Helloooo Newman: MyPillow Murder

Helloooo Newman: MyPillow Murder: Two MyPillows at the MyPillow factory reportedly escaped, crept up to MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, while slumbering on another MyPillow, and t...

MyPillow Murder

Two MyPillows at the MyPillow factory reportedly escaped, crept up to MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, while slumbering on another MyPillow, and the three smothered him to death. 

In a later interrogation, the group of MyPillows admitted they were working together for several years, with many sleepless nights, hatching the devious plan.

"It had to be done", said the lead MyPillow. "We couldn't get a good night's sleep knowing that our creator was a bat-shit crazy motherfucking liar. We'd been dreaming of this for a long time."

The three pillows escaped the death penalty and instead will be converted to fart cushions and serve a life sentence as practical jokes at parties across America.

Helloooo Newman: Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead...

Helloooo Newman: Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead...: Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead of a dick. I'm not really familiar with the ins-and-outs of politics, but maybe they ...

Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead of a dick. I'm not really familiar with the ins-and-outs of politics, but maybe they should work together. Seems like a good fit. I look to Sue Johanson for analysis. I think she'll Singh the praises of this idea.

Helloooo Newman: Protest Nation

Helloooo Newman: Protest Nation: I saw an anti-vax protest parade last week. A lady came near me, cigarette in mouth, and explained to someone why they were against vaccines...

Protest Nation

I saw an anti-vax protest parade last week. A lady came near me, cigarette in mouth, and explained to someone why they were against vaccines. I thought, ya, okay. Now I see why she's so careful about what goes in her body.

Helloooo Newman: Anti-Vaxxers

Helloooo Newman: Anti-Vaxxers: Dead, and proud of it.

Anti-Vaxxers

Dead, and proud of it.

Helloooo Newman: Negativity

Helloooo Newman: Negativity: I'm taking the advice of my therapist and not hanging around negative people anymore. From now on I'm the only negative person I&#39...

Negativity

I'm taking the advice of my therapist and not hanging around negative people anymore. From now on I'm the only negative person I'll hang with.

Helloooo Newman: Vaccination Vacillation

Helloooo Newman: Vaccination Vacillation: Maybe people would get vaccinated if we narrowed down the concept for them. When we develop a vaccine for Covid, we get vaccinated . When we...

Vaccination Vacillation

Maybe people would get vaccinated if we narrowed down the concept for them.

When we develop a vaccine for Covid, we get vaccinated. When we developed a vaccine for Polio and Measles, we got immunized. Way back we inoculated people against Cholera.

All the same thing. Confusing. Suspicious. Too many words.

Let's call it – stayin' alive.

No one resisted the Polio vaccine. That's probably because they weren't kosher with not walking for the rest of their life. How about being dead all your life?

I can imagine the anti-vaxxers saying, "Hey, we don't trust you. Way too fast. Can you slow down a bit? Take a bit longer to save some lives. You know how long it took to get the caramilk inside the Caramilk bar? What about the ship in that bottle? Grab a coffee. Relax. We got time."

Weird. They want us to develop vaccines like it was the 1800s. If that's the case, they should be willing to ride a horse and buggy to work, get their smart water from a shit-filled creek and bitch in public on a soapbox instead of holed up in their basement on Twitter.

Change your DNA? Drinking booze does that. Plus, my DNA could probably use a tuneup, and yours too. Unless you were that banjo guy in Deliverance. It's too late.

Faxing is gone. Vaxxing is here to stay. It's the vax of life. A vaxxing question. Need I go on?

Helloooo Newman: Let's Get Down to Vax Tacks

Helloooo Newman: Let's Get Down to Vax Tacks:  I bet if the vaccine was delivered through wifi, everyone would get it.

Let's Get Down to Vax Tacks

 I bet if the vaccine was delivered through wifi, everyone would get it.

Helloooo Newman: Sexuality

Helloooo Newman: Sexuality: I've been reading about how some of my favourite celebrities are pansexual. In my teens I was Peter pansexual. I'd ask a girl for se...

Sexuality

I've been reading about how some of my favourite celebrities are pansexual.

In my teens I was Peter pansexual. I'd ask a girl for sex and she'd say, "Ya, meet you in Neverland."

Helloooo Newman: Black Holes

Helloooo Newman: Black Holes: Scientists have discovered that about 60 percent of black holes, where things fall in and can never be retrieved, are actually women's p...

Black Holes

Scientists have discovered that about 60 percent of black holes, where things fall in and can never be retrieved, are actually women's purses that escaped earth's gravitational pull.

Helloooo Newman: Heat Warning

Helloooo Newman: Heat Warning: Thank God for those heat warnings, eh? Yesterday morning I went outside, which is where the weather usually happens, and it was so hot I fel...

Heat Warning

Thank God for those heat warnings, eh?

Yesterday morning I went outside, which is where the weather usually happens, and it was so hot I felt like the sun had puked all over my body. The wax in my ear instantly melted and formed a weird candle.

Still, I couldn't be totally sure it was hot out. It felt hot, and in circumstances similar to this one I usually use my 5 senses to figure things out, but I had to be sure. I needed confirmation from a trusted body of people whose job it is to measure these things. The warning confirmed it.

Now I could confidently go out into the world knowing that it is fucking hot out.

Helloooo Newman: Electionsneering

Helloooo Newman: Electionsneering: Damn. I usually charge HST on my bribes, which comes to $560.50, not the $500 Trudeau is offering me. Soooo close.

Electionsneering

Damn. I usually charge HST on my bribes, which comes to $560.50, not the $500 Trudeau is offering me. Soooo close.

Helloooo Newman: Never X-Rated

Helloooo Newman: Never X-Rated: I was watching the X-Men franchise again and it occurred to me, I bet Wolverine never masturbates. That's probably why he's so angry...

Never X-Rated

I was watching the X-Men franchise again and it occurred to me, I bet Wolverine never masturbates. He might lose more than his sight. That's probably why he's so angry all the time.

Helloooo Newman: Olympic Jar Opening

Helloooo Newman: Olympic Jar Opening: I came across a really tough jar lid the other day. Bot, they make them tight these days. Using every muscle from my neck to my ankles, I go...

Olympic Jar Opening

I came across a really tough jar lid the other day. Bot, they make them tight these days. Using every muscle from my neck to my ankles, I got it open. Jesus C., I thought, I'm strong.

Then I watched the rings event in the Olympics. I realized I'm about as strong as an overcooked asparagus tip.

Helloooo Newman: Space, The Final Delivery

Helloooo Newman: Space, The Final Delivery: Jeff Bezos just went to the edge of space in his own rocket. I have a gut feeling this could put Amazon on the map.

Space, The Final Delivery

Jeff Bezos just went to the edge of space in his own rocket. I have a gut feeling this could put Amazon on the map.

Helloooo Newman: Punching Above His Weight

Helloooo Newman: Punching Above His Weight: I was kinda hoping at the Putin/Biden presser that Putin would rip his shirt off and wrestle Kaitlin Collins of CNN in some mud. Wouldn'...

Punching Above His Weight

I was kinda hoping at the Putin/Biden presser that Putin would rip his shirt off and wrestle Kaitlin Collins of CNN in some mud. Wouldn't that be more fun than reducing the nuclear stockpile?

Should she play the next Joker?

Helloooo Newman: Bands

Helloooo Newman: Bands:  I hear Jesus was a big fan of Nine Inch Nails.

Bands

 I hear Jesus was a big fan of Nine Inch Nails.

Helloooo Newman: Magical Words

Helloooo Newman: Magical Words: It's weird the magical patterns we find in the universe. Makes you think. I'm sure you've heard that the middle word in "li...

Magical Words

It's weird the magical patterns we find in the universe. Makes you think. I'm sure you've heard that the middle word in "life" is "if". And dog spelled backwards is god. 

Check this out. The word "Norsemen" contains the word "semen". 

Spooky.

Helloooo Newman: Free Will

Helloooo Newman: Free Will:  Jesus the cost of things these days. The price of free will just quadrupled.

Free Will

 Jesus the cost of things these days. The price of free will just quadrupled.

Helloooo Newman: Bathing Beauty

Helloooo Newman: Bathing Beauty: Have you been forest bathing yet? It's all the rage and really good for you. People are paying serious money to do it. Turns out trees r...

Bathing Beauty

Have you been forest bathing yet? It's all the rage and really good for you. People are paying serious money to do it. Turns out trees release all these neat chemicals that are good for our brains.

I prefer when it was cheaper, back when we called it "going outside".

Helloooo Newman: Options

Helloooo Newman: Options: You know what's wrong with today's world? Too many options. More options means more angst and suffering. My new dishwasher comes wit...

Options

You know what's wrong with today's world?

Too many options. More options means more angst and suffering.

My new dishwasher comes with an "extra dry" option. What?

I want my dishes dry. Non-wet. Lacking moisture. Void of H20. Instead I got the martini setting. Gobi Desert dishes coming up.

Hey honey, what are you doing with these dishes? They're sooo dry. Is it okay if I put food on them?

I never got any complaints about my last dishwasher. Jesus, man, did you do these dishes in the shower? They're soaked.

Thing cost $1000. How about a button that says "cheaper dishwasher".

Helloooo Newman: No Political Advice

Helloooo Newman: No Political Advice: As my loyal readers know, I am loath to get political or give political advice. By the way, I'm not voting for Doug Ford and you shouldn...

No Political Advice

As my loyal readers know, I am loath to get political or give political advice.

By the way, I'm not voting for Doug Ford and you shouldn't either!

I will not vote for Doug Ford, and I will not do it with overwhelming glee. A vote for Doug Ford is a vote for Forrest Gump after having swallowed a few thousand boxes of chocolate on that park bench, chocolate chart and all.

Alas, a non-vote isn't punishment enough. I'm getting Doug the Slug a Peloton for Christmas. Imagine how his bulbous mass will recoil from the exercise equipment, much like a python from fire, after having swallowed 2 fawns whole and digesting it for ten years. Sound like someone we know?

This is not political advice that you should not follow.

Helloooo Newman: mRNA

Helloooo Newman: mRNA: The incredible work of the new mRNA technology is actually a world wonder. It's behind one of the most successful vaccines ever develope...

Helloooo Newman: Praying Mantis

Helloooo Newman: Praying Mantis: I was watching Monster Bug Wars last night. Feel sorry for all those praying mantises who get eaten by predators. All that praying and they ...

Praying Mantis

I was watching Monster Bug Wars last night. Feel sorry for all those praying mantises who get eaten by predators. All that praying and they go unanswered. Just like us pathetic humans.

I wouldn't doubt there's some atheist mantises out there. A few might be agnostic. They just don't get any press.

Routine

Routine. They say it's good for you. Keeps you centered.

I don't know about you, but my routine now includes checking to see what Doug Ford will allow me to do this week.

The list is growing, which is so exciting. 

Yup. Sip of coffee. Doug Ford's rules. 

Keeps me centered.

Helloooo Newman: UN Resolution

Helloooo Newman: UN Resolution: The UN passed a resolution declaring today "John Tory please get your fucking haircut" day. You will not be cancelled. Not even yo...

UN Resolution

The UN passed a resolution declaring today "John Tory please get your fucking haircut" day.

You will not be cancelled. Not even your cable.

Also, it's the long weekend, Ontario. In case it slips your mind, stay inside and do nothing.

You wanna do something? Go to the US.

Helloooo Newman: Business Investment

Helloooo Newman: Business Investment: I'm starting a new business called Jenga Construction. Looking for investors. Interested?

Business Investment

I'm starting a new business called Jenga Construction.

Looking for investors. Interested?