Helloooo Newman: Covid Cure

Helloooo Newman: Covid Cure: Here's a tip: If you're fighting covid, you want to inject yourself with bleach but the store was all sold out? Try watching Fox New...

Covid Cure

Here's a tip: If you're fighting covid, you want to inject yourself with bleach but the store was all sold out? Try watching Fox News for an hour. Same effect. No needles.

Helloooo Newman: No Warning

Helloooo Newman: No Warning: If there are people who actually need to be told to refrain from injecting bleach into their body, perhaps I'm doing them a favour by no...

No Warning

If there are people who actually need to be told to refrain from injecting bleach into their body, am I really doing them a favour by warning them?

Helloooo Newman: Die and Go to New Zealand

Helloooo Newman: Die and Go to New Zealand: God has issued a statement saying that Heaven is now located in New Zealand.

Die and Go to New Zealand

God has issued a statement saying that Heaven is now located in New Zealand,
and there's limited space.

Helloooo Newman: Future Tense

Helloooo Newman: Future Tense: I wish I had a promising future to look back on.

Future Tense

I wish I had a promising future to look back on.

Helloooo Newman: Dry Quarantine

Helloooo Newman: Dry Quarantine: I read an article from this expert psychologist who suggested one shouldn't drink while in quarantine during this very stressful time. ...

Dry Quarantine

I read an article from this expert psychologist who suggested one shouldn't drink while in quarantine during this very stressful time.

It wasn't explained why he gave up his job as a standup comedian, but he's clearly very good at it. Especially these days we could all use a good laugh.

Quarantine advisor? Not so much.

Helloooo Newman: Pull Up Your Socks

Helloooo Newman: Pull Up Your Socks: New Zealand Prime Minister has almost eliminated Covid and has reduced her salary by 20%. Canadian Prime Minister has yet to pull up his nic...

Pull Up Your Socks

New Zealand Prime Minister has almost eliminated Covid and has reduced her salary by 20%. Canadian Prime Minister has yet to pull up his nice socks and lower his salary.

Helloooo Newman: If The Sock Fits

Helloooo Newman: If The Sock Fits: First item on my xmas list. Pair of dress socks for Mr. Trudeau.

If The Sock Fits

First item on my xmas list. Pair of dress socks for Mr. Trudeau.

Helloooo Newman: I Miss My Dentist

Helloooo Newman: I Miss My Dentist: I miss my dentist. The smell of burning tooth enamel. The curvy plastic chair with the headrest that bends my spine in unnatural ways. Ans...

I Miss My Dentist

I miss my dentist.

The smell of burning tooth enamel. The curvy plastic chair with the headrest that bends my spine in unnatural ways. Answering questions with mmmmmfhgmmfmmhgfdm.

I use to want to instill in her the pain she so effortlessly cast upon me. Imagine Lord Voldemort with a dental degree. Now she's a long lost love. Imagine The Notebook. (Unfortunately, I'm not Ryan Gosling)

How can it be I was so lucky to get out? Now I'm doing everything possible to qualify for emergency dental care and visit someone without getting a socializing ticket. Timbits chased with coke.

I need to feel something. I need pain. Can you drill just a bit deeper? I don't wanna go home.

I miss my mechanic, too. He rotates my tires as I rotate my credit cards to pay for it. I need a new engine? Fine. Just please take 12 hours to do it. I don't wanna go home.

Other fun things I miss: lining up to renew my licence; buying my wife lady products; walking by Victoria's Secret and feigning disinterest; running into old high school friends; using a public washroom on the TTC.

I miss the good old days.

Helloooo Newman: Overcrowded

Helloooo Newman: Overcrowded: This city is getting harder and harder to move around in. Yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk and I see someone 4 kilometres away, h...

Overcrowded

This city is getting harder and harder to move around in.

Yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk and, using my peripherals, I spot someone 4 kilometres away, heading straight for me. Good thing I had quality binoculars to confirm the sighting.

Jesus, I thought. Not another person. Shoulder to shoulder again.

Give me some space, dude.

I had 1 kilometre to figure out how I was going to navigate this near miss. Now I know how the Captain of the Titanic felt.

Why don't they stay home like everyone else?

For a second. Even less than a second, really. I thought maybe I should play Covid chicken with them. See who blinks first and crosses the street. I decided it was too soon to do something like this.

Turns out it was a mirage, associated with spending long days at home watching plants grow and videos on how they actually manufacture toilet paper. (it's a really loooong roll that they chop into smaller rolls)

Still. Gettin' damn crowded.

Helloooo Newman: Entertaining Ideas

Helloooo Newman: Entertaining Ideas: Last night I had a big party and entertained some new ideas. Some of them got really drunk, puked on my computer and fell asleep on the couc...

Entertaining Ideas

Last night I had a big party and entertained some new ideas. Some of them got really drunk, puked on my computer and fell asleep on the couch. How do I tell them they were terrible ideas?

I guess that's what I get for entertaining new ideas. Never again! I have lots of old ideas that I get along with really well. They're so predictable.

Oh sure, I might have a thought over for a short visit. Perhaps a notion, although I've rejected a lot of notions in the past. One time a concept came to visit, took some ecstasy and turned into reality. Scary.

Never have a brainstorm over for dinner. Very messy.

I once had a fling with an inkling, but it went nowhere.

Helloooo Newman: Snow White and the Five Dwarfs

Helloooo Newman: Snow White and the Five Dwarfs: For parents reading Snow White to their children, please inform your kids that there are now only 5 dwarfs and explain why. Sneezy is qua...

Snow White and the Five Dwarfs

For parents reading Snow White to their children, please inform your kids that there are now only 5 dwarfs and explain why.

Sneezy is quarantined and Doc is intubating him.

Helloooo Newman: Aretha Franklin

Helloooo Newman: Aretha Franklin: The question of the decade: Who's zoomin' who?

Aretha Franklin

The question of the decade: Who's zoomin' who?

Helloooo Newman: Group Theory

Helloooo Newman: Group Theory: Please only congregate in groups of less than one person.

Group Theory

Please only congregate in groups of less than one person. 

Helloooo Newman: Get to the Chopper

Helloooo Newman: Get to the Chopper: I know, get to the chopper: Watching Predator for the four thousandth and oneth time:

Get to the Chopper

Get to the chopper, get to the chopper, but is it clean?:
Watching Predator for the four thousandth and oneth time: 

Helloooo Newman: Social Long Distancing

Helloooo Newman: Social Long Distancing: Maybe someone can help me out with this. I thought it was 6 feet away we are suppose to keep from each other. My wife tells me it's two ...

Social Long Distancing

Maybe someone can help me out with this. I thought it was 6 feet away we are suppose to keep from each other. My wife tells me it's two floors and 3 walls away, which has put me in the garage for the last two weeks.

Is that right?

Helloooo Newman: Essential Drinking

Helloooo Newman: Essential Drinking: For years now when I get a physical, I tell my doctor that liquor is an essential service. Now that we can admit that, let's make it che...

Essential Drinking

For years now when I get a physical, I tell my doctor that liquor is an essential service. Now that we can admit that, let's make it cheaper.

Helloooo Newman: Quarantine

Helloooo Newman: Quarantine: I'v never found the L.L. Bean catalogue as interesting as I do now.

Quarantine

I'v never found the L.L. Bean catalogue as interesting as I do now.

Let's not forget the J. Crew catalogue. It has an amazing Spring catalogue. Has a few sweater vests I have my eye on for those coldish Spring mornings. Paired with a snappy turtleneck, it's a killer wardrobe.

Things are looking up.

Helloooo Newman: Human Race

Helloooo Newman: Human Race: When rats go to work, I wonder if they complain about being stuck in the human race.

Human Race

When rats go to work, I wonder if they complain about being stuck in the human race.

Helloooo Newman: Blind Date

Helloooo Newman: Blind Date: What happens when two blind people go on a date? Is that called a blind date? It can't be. Based on that criteria, we would have to...

Helloooo Newman: Emojincy

Helloooo Newman: Emojincy: Hey, has anyone seen any toilet paper emojies around? This is my last roll.

Emojincy

Hey, has anyone seen any toilet paper emojies around? This is my last roll.

Helloooo Newman: Come Together

Helloooo Newman: Come Together: I like how this crisis is bringing people together, so long as they stay away from me.

Come Together

It's encouraging how this crisis is bringing people closer together,
so long as they stay 6 feet away from me.

Helloooo Newman: Six Feet Away, Not Under

Helloooo Newman: Six Feet Away, Not Under: In light of the social distancing rules, I will not tailgate for 3 months. Justin Trudeau announced that all Canadians who play Monopoly w...

Six Feet Away, Not Under

In light of the social distancing rules, I will not tailgate for 3 months.

Justin Trudeau announced that all Canadians who play Monopoly will start with a $5000 stimulus package to get the game going. If you buy houses, shelter in place. If you buy hotels, lay everyone off and close them.

A new edition of Twister will be sold in which players stand 6 feet apart and twist each other's words.

Canada Geese flying home will be required to fly 6 feet apart. Hummingbirds, 6 centimetres apart.

The game Dominoes will no longer be sold, as the pieces must be kept 6 feet apart, and nothing interesting will occur.

Stay six feet away, not six feet under.

Helloooo Newman: End of Days

Helloooo Newman: End of Days: Is this virus the end of days? Really? Isn't the end of days already here because there's a show called The Masked Singer and Sara...

End of Days

Is this virus the end of days? Really?

Isn't the end of days already here because there's a show called The Masked Singer and Sarah Palin was one of the singers?

Hurry up and end the world.

Helloooo Newman: Washing My Hands of Everything

Helloooo Newman: Washing My Hands of Everything: I'm a little concerned that washing hands properly for many adults is a huge intellectual achievement. Actually, I'm really concerne...

Washing My Hands of Everything

I'm a little concerned that washing hands properly for many adults is a huge intellectual achievement. Actually, I'm really concerned. We just may be the only intelligent life in the universe, and we need videos to teach people how to wash their hands.

You want people to learn how to wash their hands? Take away the toilet paper. Everyone can wipe their ass with their hands. People will learn very quickly how to properly wash their hands.

Helloooo Newman: Covid-19

Helloooo Newman: Covid-19: Donald Trump refuses to be tested for Covid-19 but agrees to be tested for Covfefe-19, and hopes he has it.

Covid-19

Donald Trump refuses to be tested for Covid-19 but agrees to be tested for Covfefe-19, and hopes he has it.

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic: It's found in countries all over the world. On every continent but Antarctica. Millions are affected by it. Many don't show obvious ...