Sniping

Did they have to hire the one sniper who came last in his class? 

Was the budget not big enough?

Remember, practice makes perfect.

Is it too soon?

Nah!

Helloooo Newman: Lemonade Control Board of Ontario

Helloooo Newman: Lemonade Control Board of Ontario: I'm so glad the LCBO strike is over. And children's lemonade stands won the right to sell liquor. What a step forward. As long as 50...

Lemonade Control Board of Ontario

I'm so glad the LCBO strike is over.

And children's lemonade stands won the right to sell liquor. What a step forward. As long as 5000 lemonade stands stay open, the kids get $50/hr and no one else can sell lemonade.

Congratulations, Ontario.

I'll have a J&B on the rocks.

Jelly Beans on the rocks?

Helloooo Newman: Oxy

Helloooo Newman: Oxy: Well, with it being so hard to find liquor, I roamed the streets looking for a hit. Bought some Oxy from a guy in a parking garage downtown....

Oxy

Well, with it being so hard to find liquor, I roamed the streets looking for a hit.

Bought some Oxy from a guy in a parking garage downtown.

Turns out he ripped me off.

It wasn't OxyContin.

It was OxyMoron.

I've never felt more conflicted in my life. 

Guess I'm the moron.

Helloooo Newman: The science of liquor

Helloooo Newman: The science of liquor: Hey, how about the Science Centre sells liquor? Bet you they'd open it now!

The science of liquor

Hey, how about the Science Centre sells liquor?

Bet you they'd open it now!

Helloooo Newman: Striking out on their own

Helloooo Newman: Striking out on their own: I was speaking to one of my best friends, Jim Beam, this morning. He's bummed. Out of a job. Went on a bender. Was caught by the police ...

Striking out on their own

I was speaking to one of my best friends, Jim Beam, this morning.

He's bummed. Out of a job. Went on a bender. Was caught by the police with a 40% alcohol content in his body. The problem is he keeps his emotions all bottled up. He's angry.

But not as angry as my wild friend Jack (Daniels). He travelled all the way from Tennessee to work here. He's losing it, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He always thought it should have been called The Moonshining. He drowns himself in spirits to forget.

You should have heard what Johnnie (Walker) screamed at me. It's mighty hard for him to sit on a shelf all day, walking, albeit crookedly, being in his nature. And now his colleagues walk out on him. Left high a dry.

How would you feel if you were like my buddy Morgan, who's achieved the status of Captain? He's yelling, "who put you in charge?" in a voice matching Hudson from Aliens. "Rum in your tum tum" he kept singing. Who knows when he'll see a stomach again.

One vodka I was chilling with is pissed to the Absolut. Smirnoff is changing his name to Pissedoff. Chartreuse was so blotto he kept singing "chartreuse micro-bus" from Blinded by the Light. Poor Kahlua was going through this all by himself. Too much of him and you feel sick.

Last I saw them, they were all crammed on a shelf and planning to strike out on their own.

Sounds like an excellent idea!

Helloooo Newman: The two-step down

Helloooo Newman: The two-step down: Please wake me when it's over Please re-elect me   Two of these leaders need to step down now. Can you guess which two?

The two-step down

Please wake me when it's over

Please re-elect me

 

Two of these leaders need to step down now. Can you guess which two?

Helloooo Newman: Science uncentred

Helloooo Newman: Science uncentred: Doug Ford caves in to developers. Sorry, I mean the Science Centre roof might cave in to snow. One of those July snow storms we often get.

Science uncentred

Doug Ford caves in to developers.

Sorry, I mean the Science Centre roof might cave in to snow. One of those July snow storms we often get.

Helloooo Newman: Friends, Canadians, countrymen, I'll lend you my ears

Helloooo Newman: Friends, Canadians, countrymen, I'll lend you my ears:   Justin Trudeau is all ears now. "Sorry, what? What are you saying?"

Friends, Canadians, countrymen, I'll lend you my ears

 

Justin Trudeau is all ears now.

"Sorry, what? What are you saying?"

Helloooo Newman: Cone of silence

Helloooo Newman: Cone of silence:   Why don't we put a giant one of these over the entire city of Toronto? Wouldn't it be easier?

Cone of silence

 

Why don't we put a giant one of these over the entire city of Toronto?

Wouldn't it be easier?

Helloooo Newman: Waves and domes

Helloooo Newman: Waves and domes: Remember when it used to get hot. We called it a heat wave. Covered an entire city. Really hot. Lasted a week or two. Maybe three. Suddenly ...

Waves and domes

Remember when it used to get hot. We called it a heat wave.

Covered an entire city. Really hot. Lasted a week or two. Maybe three.

Suddenly it's called a dome. Is that because of the SkyDome?

If there's a heat dome over Toronto, shouldn't it open and close? Shouldn't beer be $30 and boiled hot dogs $50?

I hope they open the heat dome this week.

Helloooo Newman: Track maintenance diet

Helloooo Newman: Track maintenance diet: I've been struggling to lose a few pounds. It's not easy when you're my advanced age. So I've hit upon a great plan. You sho...

Track maintenance diet

I've been struggling to lose a few pounds. It's not easy when you're my advanced age.

So I've hit upon a great plan. You should try it.

I stop eating every time the TTC closes the subway for track maintenance.

That's every weekend for the last 100 years. No food for me.

Apparently there's thousands of kilometres of track that need fixing. No one knows where this track is, but they're fixing it.

I think maybe they get lost and end up in London, England fixing the Tube. But the Tube is doing just fine.

The Tube - 161 years old, 250 miles of track

TTC - 70 year old, 43 miles of track

Helloooo Newman: Rice-A-Money

Helloooo Newman: Rice-A-Money: I've decided the day you only get a single piece of rice in a package I will seriously consider switching to something else. Or, maybe b...

Rice-A-Money

I've decided the day you only get a single piece of rice in a package I will seriously consider switching to something else.

Or, maybe buy 2000 packages.

Helloooo Newman: Love game

Helloooo Newman: Love game: Be still me beating heart.  Leo is a tennis fan. In celebration, maybe I'll let him keep his balls. Leo caught the tennis ball twice and...

Love game

Be still me beating heart. 

Leo is a tennis fan. In celebration, maybe I'll let him keep his balls.

Leo caught the tennis ball twice and they had to delay play.

How embarrassing.

How cute.

Also scratched the player's leg. Not good.

But cute.

Helloooo Newman: Hello my rag time cat

Helloooo Newman: Hello my rag time cat:   Turns out Leo is a very talented mimic. Here he's doing the dancing frog from Bugs Bunny. And he's never seen it. As far as talent...

Hello my rag time cat

 

Turns out Leo is a very talented mimic. Here he's doing the dancing frog from Bugs Bunny. And he's never seen it.

As far as talent goes, he's clearly in a cat-egory unto himself.

Obviously I'm rushing out to get a top hat and cane.

I'm gonna be rich!

Ribbit....

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Leo

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Leo: Say hi to Leo, the new addition to our blog family. Here he is taking a paws from playing. Just got him, and he's already playful, frien...

Helloooo Leo

Say hi to Leo, the new addition to our blog family. Here he is taking a paws from playing.

Just got him, and he's already playful, friendly, silly and damn handsome. Has a kinda Leo DiCaprio thing going on. I'm sure he'll be dating kittens in his 40s.

Stay tuned for humour from a cat's perspective.

Helloooo Newman: Cher lift

Helloooo Newman: Cher lift: I'm a hug fan of Cher. Someday I hope to be on a first name basis with her.

Cher lift

I'm a hug fan of Cher. Someday I hope to be on a first name basis with her.

Helloooo Newman: My Recommendation

Helloooo Newman: My Recommendation: Don't those Facebook posts of people asking for recommendations on a service bug you? Thought so! Can someone recommend a dryer vent cle...

My Recommendation

Don't those Facebook posts of people asking for recommendations on a service bug you?

Thought so!

Can someone recommend a dryer vent cleaner? Hey, who's good at folding laundry? Especially underwear. Any good heart surgeons in the area? What are their Google reviews like?

I recommend you, ya lazy bum. Get off Facebook and show your spouse you're good for something.

Might start a show - DIY or DIE. If that already exists, they stole it from me.

Always pisses them off. I guess it makes sense my Facebook friends list is dropping off a bit.

Helloooo Newman: Live deliberately

Helloooo Newman: Live deliberately: Henry David Thoreau said we should "suck out all the marrow of life." But what if I'm a vegetarian? Should I suck out all the ...

Live deliberately

Henry David Thoreau said we should "suck out all the marrow of life."

But what if I'm a vegetarian?

Should I suck out all the beet juice of life?"

Yuck!

Helloooo Newman: Near Beer

Helloooo Newman: Near Beer: Now you can wash those skittles down with a beer, son. Finally, Ontario is getting beer in corner stores. Until now, it was only Ontario, No...

Near Beer

Now you can wash those skittles down with a beer, son.

Finally, Ontario is getting beer in corner stores. Until now, it was only Ontario, North Korea and the 7 other planets in the solar system that didn't offer this convenience.

And people are complaining already. It only took a $225 million ransom payment to the Beer Store.

That's a deal, as far as I can tell. Ontario sells 1.2 billion beers a year. Divided by $225 million, that's $4.44 a beer. Oh, so close to buck-a-beer.

Remember the pasta jobs? $170,000 per job, paid for by the government.

Remember $13 billion for 3000 jobs at a car battery plant? $4.3 million per job. Of course we'd take the money instead. We're not stupid. The politicians are.

Here's wise money spent. The Federal government gave someone (friends?) $9 million to study the effects of climate change on democracy. Sounds like a high school homework assignment. It's due Friday. If you're late, we'll give you more money.

So, what's the problem? A fat politician signing a fat cheque.

Oh, of course that money could be used for, say, more family doctors. But the family doctor will just tell you to stop drinking. Is that what you want to hear? When the beer is so near? Nonsense.

It's estimated in 1 million years Ontario will introduce liquor to corner stores. It will cost $10 trillion.

Welcome to modernity, Ontario. 

Helloooo Newman: Yin and yang

Helloooo Newman: Yin and yang: I washed down 50 sleeping pills with 50 Red Bulls. Felt incredibly perfect.

Yin and yang

I washed down 50 sleeping pills with 50 Red Bulls.

Felt incredibly perfect.

Helloooo Newman: Black hole paradox

Helloooo Newman: Black hole paradox: The other day I was sitting quietly when my wife asked me what I was thinking. I said, "the black hole paradox." "Oh, you mea...

Black hole paradox

The other day I was sitting quietly when my wife asked me what I was thinking.

I said, "the black hole paradox."

"Oh, you mean the paradox that black holes evaporate and all the information they contain seems to be lost but quantum physics tells us that information in the universe can't be lost in any way? That all information must be conserved?"

"I was thinking more about your credit card, but that's interesting too."

Helloooo Newman: Pyramid power

Helloooo Newman: Pyramid power: Historians have discovered that Metrolinx actually submitted a quote to build the ancient pyramids but lost out to 100,000 slaves. Good thin...

Pyramid power

Historians have discovered that Metrolinx actually submitted a quote to build the ancient pyramids but lost out to 100,000 slaves.

Good thing.

It only took 20 years to build them.

Helloooo Newman: Politics is all cosmetic

Helloooo Newman: Politics is all cosmetic: I wonder if Chrystia Freeland sees the irony in saying that Pierre Poilievre wears more makeup than her. Isn't it her boss that wore the...

Politics is all cosmetic

I wonder if Chrystia Freeland sees the irony in saying that Pierre Poilievre wears more makeup than her.

Isn't it her boss that wore the dreaded black makeup at a halloween party?

She said this in Parliament, and so had to take it back, like a big girl. Man, women can be bullies.

Having said that,  I think Pierre really could benefit from some makeup. It would distract from the bobblehead look he was born with. And those suits? I didn't know you could still buy Seersuckers for $10.

If Pierre wins, I suggest a dress to match the makeup. It's time for a female leader.

Helloooo Newman: Pasta dough

Helloooo Newman: Pasta dough: Are you hungry? Do you love pasta? Trudough spent $1.7 million to create 10 pasta jobs. I guess to ensure there's no shortage of pasta i...

Pasta dough

Are you hungry?

Do you love pasta?

Trudough spent $1.7 million to create 10 pasta jobs.

I guess to ensure there's no shortage of pasta in Canada.

We do this with dairy, too. In case there's a shortage, we all get to pay the 7th highest price for  milk out of 97 countries.

I wonder if they asked those 10 people, hey, do you want to make pasta or we just give you $170,000 up front?

I'd say pasta dough to me!

Helloooo Newman: Toronto Transit Omission

Helloooo Newman: Toronto Transit Omission: The TTC workers might go on strike. I wonder if we'll notice a difference in the service.

Toronto Transit Omission

The TTC workers might go on strike. I wonder if we'll notice a difference in the service.

Helloooo Newman: Gridding your teeth

Helloooo Newman: Gridding your teeth: Are you as excited about the future as I am? A Jetson-esque future of clean electric cars, no traffic, fresh air and a clean earth to live o...