Gridding your teeth

Are you as excited about the future as I am?

A Jetson-esque future of clean electric cars, no traffic, fresh air and a clean earth to live on.

It's coming soon. You know it's coming. You can feel it like an electric current in your bones. 

No, not the kind that powers an electric chair, to punish you for unspeakable crimes.

The kind that gives you goose bumples all over and excites you to live fully.

It's coming.

Oh. Except all that it takes to bring down the electrical grid that powers your dreams is a tiny little squirrel. Like the one that took out all of downtown Toronto.

One meagre rodent, among millions. Totally spoils the party. Second time it's happened in a month.

No more cars. No air conditioning. No heat. No TTC. No future.

You know the squirrel is coming.

Grid your teeth.

Helloooo Newman: Electric Gas

Helloooo Newman: Electric Gas: Bought an electric car but I'm putting a gas engine in it.  Runs way longer and it's easier to fill.

Electric Gas

Bought an electric car but I'm putting a gas engine in it. 

Runs way longer and it's easier to fill.

Helloooo Newman: Father's Day to the T

Helloooo Newman: Father's Day to the T: Father's Day is coming up. Just if you're having trouble finding something useful.

Father's Day to the T

Father's Day is coming up. Just if you're having trouble finding something useful.

Helloooo Newman: Hip-ster

Helloooo Newman: Hip-ster: The other day a group of young girls said to me, "hey, you're the new hipster." It made me feel really good. I'm doing som...

Helloooo Newman: Mancott

Helloooo Newman: Mancott: I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna eat a month's worth of food today and then mancott Loblaws for the month of May.

Mancott

I'm gonna be a man.

I'm gonna eat a month's worth of food today and then mancott Loblaws for the month of May.

Hip-ster

The other day a group of young girls said to me, "hey, you're the new hipster."

It made me feel really good. I'm doing something right.

Later it was explained to me they actually said, "hey, you need a new hip, sir".

Helloooo Newman: Taylor Made

Helloooo Newman: Taylor Made: I almost want to cheat so Taylor Swift will write a song about me.

Taylor Made

I almost want to cheat so Taylor Swift will write a song about me.

Helloooo Newman: Yukky breastfeeding

Helloooo Newman: Yukky breastfeeding: Did you hear about the comedian (Arj Barker) who kicked a breastfeeding woman out of his show? In Australia, of all places. I thought men i...

Yukky breastfeeding

Did you hear about the comedian (Arj Barker) who kicked a breastfeeding woman out of his show?

In Australia, of all places. I thought men in Australia worshipped breasts.

I'm a bit torn. Part of me says I would have kicked the mom out but asked the baby to stay. Not his fault.

But, and I hate to do this, I feel the need to ask all breastfeeding women reading this blog to stop reading, or feeding, NOW.

It distracts the readers. Especially me.

Noisy baby. Two bouncy castles in your face. Who can put a sentence together?

If you want to breastfeed in public, put it on YouTube or TikTok, like everyone else.

Send me the link. Just don't do it during my blog.

Thank you.

Helloooo Newman: Secret Fetish

Helloooo Newman: Secret Fetish: I have a secret fetish. I like to wear men's underwear. There. I said it. Go ahead, judge me. But don't tell anyone, okay?

Secret Fetish

I have a secret fetish.

I like to wear men's underwear.

There. I said it.

Go ahead, judge me.

But don't tell anyone, okay?

Helloooo Newman: The long bucket list

Helloooo Newman: The long bucket list:   Another achievement off everyone's bucket list

The long bucket list

 

Another achievement off everyone's bucket list

Helloooo Newman: Bag Man

Helloooo Newman: Bag Man: How weird that Ford is bringing back paper bags. It's like he's reminding us he can't lead his was out of a paper bag. On the pl...

Bag Man

How weird that Ford is bringing back paper bags.

It's like he's reminding us he can't lead his was out of a paper bag.

On the plus side, all the trees cut down to produce the bags will come from his cottage.

Helloooo Newman: Stoned

Helloooo Newman: Stoned: They survived the eclipse. Now it's time to remind your kids: no staring directly at Medusa

Stoned

They survived the eclipse.

Now it's time to remind your kids: no staring directly at Medusa

Helloooo Newman: LCBO

Helloooo Newman: LCBO: The LCBO has been asked to bring back paper bags. Bags that are recyclable and made from recycled materials. This means I will no longer for...

LCBO

The LCBO has been asked to bring back paper bags. Bags that are recyclable and made from recycled materials.

This means I will no longer forget to bring one of the 4000 reusable bags I have stored up in my closet. Bags that aren't recyclable, covered in mold and will end up in a landfill site.

A cynical person might think they are making a little money on the side charging for bags. But, of course, we aren't cynical here at Helloooo Newman. As always, the liquor people have our best interests at heart.

The LCBO will no longer stand for the Liquor Control Bags of Ontario.

Helloooo Newman: Always wear protection

Helloooo Newman: Always wear protection: Damned if I can find solar eclipse contacts!

Always wear protection

Damned if I can find solar eclipse contacts!

Helloooo Newman: Suing Reality

Helloooo Newman: Suing Reality: In a bold move, Ontario school boards have expanded their lawsuit from media giants to include reality itself. We're tired of reality. I...

Suing Reality

In a bold move, Ontario school boards have expanded their lawsuit from media giants to include reality itself.

We're tired of reality. It's time things are the way they should be. We hope to win a lot of money, and make things the way we want them to be.

Next on the list. The English language, for having cuss words.

Helloooo Newman: Total eclipse of the brain

Helloooo Newman: Total eclipse of the brain: Has everyone gone mad? Cancel school because of the eclipse? Wear special glasses? Watch it at nighttime, like me. Dummies

Total eclipse of the brain

Has everyone gone mad?

Cancel school because of the eclipse?

Wear special glasses?

Watch it at nighttime, like me.

Dummies

Helloooo Newman: KIA

Helloooo Newman: KIA: I've been car shopping recently. Was considering a KIA, but I think it's really inappropriate to name a car Killed In Action. Rude a...

KIA

I've been car shopping recently.

Was considering a KIA, but I think it's really inappropriate to name a car Killed In Action.

Rude and insensitive.

Helloooo Newman: Master Rebater

Helloooo Newman: Master Rebater: Why hasn't Trudeau sent me another grocery rebate? I need to buy more food (beer). The price of food  (beer)  just keeps going up and up...

Master Rebater

Why hasn't Trudeau sent me another grocery rebate?

I need to buy more food (beer).

The price of food (beer) just keeps going up and up.

A guy's gotta eat (beer).

Helloooo Newman: Advil

Helloooo Newman: Advil: From the makers of Advil comes Subtractvil. If you just don't feel like sex tonight and you need a believable excuse, Subtractvil gives ...

Advil

From the makers of Advil comes Subtractvil.

If you just don't feel like sex tonight and you need a believable excuse, Subtractvil gives you that headache you so desperately need.

Great for all occasions. Take a day off work. Skip that golf game you suck at anyway. Uncertain about your upcoming wedding?

Skip it! And everyone will believe you. Because it's a real headache.

With Subtractvil.

Subtract the annoying things out of life.

Helloooo Newman: In-between the lines

Helloooo Newman: In-between the lines: I read somewhere that all the best writers challenge you to read in-between the lines. So I wrote a blog with just the important stuff in-be...

In-between the lines

I read somewhere that all the best writers challenge you to read in-between the lines.

So I wrote a blog with just the important stuff in-between the lines.

Let me know what you think.

Enjoy…

Helloooo Newman: Chicken counting

Helloooo Newman: Chicken counting: I heard someone say that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch. Really? How about if you own a Swiss Chalet franchise. It&...

Chicken counting

I heard someone say that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch.

Really?

How about if you own a Swiss Chalet franchise.

It's Christmas time. Festive specials are flying out the door.

Hey Frank, how many chickens do we have left? Are we running out?

Dunno. You told me not to count them.

Boom. You're out of business.

Helloooo Newman: ASSCII

Helloooo Newman: ASSCII: I swear, sometimes I feel like I get texts messages in my ass. Let me tell you, checking them is not enjoyable.

ASSCII

I swear, sometimes I feel like I get text messages in my ass.

Let me tell you, checking them is not enjoyable.

Helloooo Newman: Biden his time

Helloooo Newman: Biden his time: I'll be honest, I hope Biden wins. I'll be honest, Biden reminds me of my grandfather while dropping Bengay and Metamucil in a sauna...

Biden his time

I'll be honest, I hope Biden wins.

I'll be honest, Biden reminds me of my grandfather while dropping Bengay and Metamucil in a sauna.

Bengay and Metamucil are proud sponsors of this blog.

Helloooo Newman: Tell it like it is

Helloooo Newman: Tell it like it is: If someone files your toenails, shouldn't that be called a pedifile?

Tell it like it is

If someone files your toenails, shouldn't that be called a pedifile?

Helloooo Newman: Out to lunch?

Helloooo Newman: Out to lunch?: Why are people always out to lunch? I wake up stupid in the morning sometimes and that's out to breakfast.

Out to lunch?

Why are people always out to lunch?

I wake up stupid in the morning sometimes and that's out to breakfast.

Helloooo Newman: Climate Fun Killer

Helloooo Newman: Climate Fun Killer: Under new Liberal legislation, it will be against the law to enjoy nice weather during winter. Statements like "what a nice February da...

Climate Fun Killer

Under new Liberal legislation, it will be against the law to enjoy nice weather during winter.

Statements like "what a nice February day" and "wow, this is patio weather, let's get a beer" will be strictly monitored and punishable by 2 weeks locked in an abandoned meat freezer. 

Think it's warm enough to wear shorts? Think again.

February short-wearing people will spend July in a full-body ski suit. Gotta learn, people!

Remember.

IT'S WINTER.

Stop enjoying the nice weather.

Helloooo Newman: The Partly Fake News

Helloooo Newman: The Partly Fake News: Justin Trudeau visits Ukraine Calls Putin a weakling War ends!