HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Monday, 30 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Plant-Based Burger Plant
Helloooo Newman: Plant-Based Burger Plant: Scientists, gardeners, arborists and geneticists have worked together to create the first ever burger plant. That's right. Instead of ...
Plant-Based Burger Plant
Scientists, gardeners, arborists and geneticists have worked together to create the first ever burger plant.
That's right. Instead of the cumbersome process of growing plants, killing them, killing them and turning them into burgers, this new plant actually flowers burgers. Plant-based burgers, of course.
It was all an accident, really. Some guy tried a plant-based burger for the first time, found it disgusting, spat it into a field of flowers, and somehow the burgers and flowers got it on.
Keep the plant in a hot greenhouse and the burgers can cook while they're growing. Grab a bun and pluck the burger off without getting your hands messy. Pretty damn easy, eh?
Next to come is a cheeseburger plant, a taco cactus and a Chich-fil-A dandelion.
That's right. Instead of the cumbersome process of growing plants, killing them, killing them and turning them into burgers, this new plant actually flowers burgers. Plant-based burgers, of course.
It was all an accident, really. Some guy tried a plant-based burger for the first time, found it disgusting, spat it into a field of flowers, and somehow the burgers and flowers got it on.
Keep the plant in a hot greenhouse and the burgers can cook while they're growing. Grab a bun and pluck the burger off without getting your hands messy. Pretty damn easy, eh?
Next to come is a cheeseburger plant, a taco cactus and a Chich-fil-A dandelion.
Thursday, 26 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Canada's Better
Helloooo Newman: Canada's Better: Crazy America. Can you believe it? They have a leader that paints his face orange. Good thing we don't have a leader that paints his f...
Canada's Better
Crazy America. Can you believe it?
They have a leader that paints his face orange. Good thing we don't have a leader that paints his face.
They have a leader that applies undue, possibly illegal, influence on people to benefit himself. Good thing we don't have a leader that applies undue influence.
They have a leader that got a great start in life by a rich and powerful daddy. Good thing we don't have a leader that got a start that way.
Canada…we're better than you.
They have a leader that paints his face orange. Good thing we don't have a leader that paints his face.
They have a leader that applies undue, possibly illegal, influence on people to benefit himself. Good thing we don't have a leader that applies undue influence.
They have a leader that got a great start in life by a rich and powerful daddy. Good thing we don't have a leader that got a start that way.
Canada…we're better than you.
Helloooo Newman: Election Day
Helloooo Newman: Election Day: I say we have election day on Halloween so the candidates can dress up.
Election Day
I say we have election day on Halloween so the candidates can dress up
when they go to vote for themselves.
when they go to vote for themselves.
Tuesday, 24 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Thin
Helloooo Newman: Thin: There's so much pressure to loose weight in our culture of thin. My TV is getting thinner every two years. Same with my laptop. I won&...
Thin
There's so much pressure to lose weight in our culture of thin.
My TV is getting thinner every two years. Same with my laptop. I won't stand beside either of them.
Don't even talk to me about thin crust pizza. Soon it will just be a flaccid pile of toppings. I always ask for extra thick crust. About 36 inches, matching my waist.
When I'm on thin ice with my wife? That ice is getting thinner every day. It's gonna crack soon.
I hear even the Catholic church is cutting back on the Host. Thin crust Host. Even God worries about His appearance.
My neighbour threatened me last week, and it was a thinly-veiled threat. What next?
The pressure.
My TV is getting thinner every two years. Same with my laptop. I won't stand beside either of them.
Don't even talk to me about thin crust pizza. Soon it will just be a flaccid pile of toppings. I always ask for extra thick crust. About 36 inches, matching my waist.
When I'm on thin ice with my wife? That ice is getting thinner every day. It's gonna crack soon.
I hear even the Catholic church is cutting back on the Host. Thin crust Host. Even God worries about His appearance.
My neighbour threatened me last week, and it was a thinly-veiled threat. What next?
The pressure.
Monday, 23 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: My Life
Helloooo Newman: My Life: I wish I were living the Director's Cut of my life.
Helloooo Newman: Election Boredom
Helloooo Newman: Election Boredom: This election is a toughie. I'm just not getting a hard on for a specific candidate like I usually do. Unless I have electile dysfunctio...
Election Boredom
This election is a toughie. I'm just not getting a hard on for a specific candidate like I usually do. Unless I have electile dysfunction. How embarrassing when I go to vote.
Sunday, 22 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Scrunchie
Helloooo Newman: Scrunchie: If I suck up another scrunchie in my fuckin' vacuum I'm a gonna scream.
Helloooo Newman: Mother Nature
Helloooo Newman: Mother Nature: I'm sick of hearing that humans abuse Mother Nature. What are mothers for? Frankly, can't you help us out here, Mother Nature? D...
Mother Nature
I'm sick of hearing that humans abuse Mother Nature.
What are mothers for?
Frankly, can't you help us out here, Mother Nature? Do you really have to cook us alive to prove a point? Okay, so we've gone a little overboard on the lifestyle. I started driving when I was 16, and I've eaten about 4000 steaks. That's a lot of emissions. I was feeding myself, and trying to get laid. Can you blame me?
You know what? I wash all my recyclables. Peanut butter jars? Spotless. No black plastic. I get it.
Tone down the temps and do your job. Mothers aren't allowed to complain.
On the other hand, Toronto in September feels like LA. I can't really complain about that. Call it LAronto.
Look at me. Like a little kid. Changing my mind.
Sorry, mom.
What are mothers for?
Frankly, can't you help us out here, Mother Nature? Do you really have to cook us alive to prove a point? Okay, so we've gone a little overboard on the lifestyle. I started driving when I was 16, and I've eaten about 4000 steaks. That's a lot of emissions. I was feeding myself, and trying to get laid. Can you blame me?
You know what? I wash all my recyclables. Peanut butter jars? Spotless. No black plastic. I get it.
Tone down the temps and do your job. Mothers aren't allowed to complain.
On the other hand, Toronto in September feels like LA. I can't really complain about that. Call it LAronto.
Look at me. Like a little kid. Changing my mind.
Sorry, mom.
Friday, 20 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Real Elections and Fake Elections
Helloooo Newman: Real Elections and Fake Elections: American Election Issues: • Election Stolen by Russia: moles, caviar, hookers and lawyers • International bribery, promises made and broke...
Real Elections and Fake Elections
American Election Issues:
• Election Stolen by Russia: moles, caviar, hookers and lawyers
• International bribery, promises made and broken
• Mass immigration and a billion dollar border wall
• War in the Middle East and the Korean Peninsula
• Climate change
• Mass violence
• Corruption at a new scale
• The direction of the free world
Canadian Election Issues:
• A halloween party
My Liberal candidate is Rob Oliphant. It's hard to discuss the election without acknowledging the oliphant in the room.
"Hey Rob, get out of my room."
"But you have to acknowledge me."
"Okay, I acknowledge you. Now git."
• Election Stolen by Russia: moles, caviar, hookers and lawyers
• International bribery, promises made and broken
• Mass immigration and a billion dollar border wall
• War in the Middle East and the Korean Peninsula
• Climate change
• Mass violence
• Corruption at a new scale
• The direction of the free world
Canadian Election Issues:
• A halloween party
My Liberal candidate is Rob Oliphant. It's hard to discuss the election without acknowledging the oliphant in the room.
"Hey Rob, get out of my room."
"But you have to acknowledge me."
"Okay, I acknowledge you. Now git."
Thursday, 19 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Paint It Black
Helloooo Newman: Paint It Black: Well, I guess we know what Justin Trudeau's favourite Stones song is.
Wednesday, 18 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Election Fever, Canadian Style
Helloooo Newman: Election Fever, Canadian Style: Going through a Canadian election is like taking 30 of your favourite barbiturates, grinding them to a powder, mixing it in some warm Ov...
Election Fever, Canadian Style
Going through a Canadian election is like taking 30 of your favourite barbiturates, grinding them to a powder, mixing it in some warm Ovaltine and drinking slowly (don't forget to add milk and support the dairy industry), then you watch old Love Boat episodes where everyone is smiling, your internal organs begin to shut down, then your brain stem stops functioning and soon you lose the interest to get up in the morning.
It's also like stuffing yourself with those plain timbits that have zero icing and flavour, kind of like gobbling down bundled up drier sheets - unscented, because you don't want to add any flavour. Drier sheet donuts. What's the fucking point?
Fever doesn't enter into a Canadian election. It's more like election hypothermia. Close to death.
Too bad. You can't take advantage of all those tax cuts. $5 back on your gym membership. $10 if you have sex in the shower and start a family. You owe money if you masturbate, wasting the opportunity to start a family.
Because it's all about families. As opposed to those people that don't come from families. Ya, those people. Born out of a vagina-like creature and not deserving of government lucre.
James T. Kirk: Bones, can you save him? Can you save the Canadian voter?
Bones: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, you've got to try. One. Last. Time. Mister.
Bones: I'm a doctor, not a concerned citizen.
* The opinions above do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Helloooo Newman.
** My name is Newman and I approved this message.
Tuesday, 17 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Proof of Satan
Helloooo Newman: Proof of Satan: Scientists have found scant evidence that God exists but recently unearthed clear proof that Satan is alive and operating in our world. ...
Proof of Satan
Scientists have found scant evidence that God exists but recently unearthed clear proof that Satan is alive and operating in our world.
Saturday, 14 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Don't Forget to Vote
Helloooo Newman: Don't Forget to Vote: Don't forget to vote for… Scheer Boredom OR Justin Case
Thursday, 12 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Pilattes
Helloooo Newman: Pilattes: Pilattes is a new form of exercise that's catching on. It combines your two favourite things: having a perfect body and filling it with ...
Pilattes
Pilattes is a new form of exercise that's catching on. It combines your two favourite things: having a perfect body and filling it with sugar.
First you do some pilates. Not much. Couple of minutes should do it. Then you go to Starbucks and order a 1200-calorie latte with a list of ingredients longer than that required to build a nuke. It should be the perfect temperature. Not too hot. Warm. Warmish. Maybe luke warm. That might be too cold, so lukish warm. If you know someone named Luke, get him to warm it up for you. Then have another one.
That's it.
Easy.
Pilattes.
Look cool. Drink sugar.
First you do some pilates. Not much. Couple of minutes should do it. Then you go to Starbucks and order a 1200-calorie latte with a list of ingredients longer than that required to build a nuke. It should be the perfect temperature. Not too hot. Warm. Warmish. Maybe luke warm. That might be too cold, so lukish warm. If you know someone named Luke, get him to warm it up for you. Then have another one.
That's it.
Easy.
Pilattes.
Look cool. Drink sugar.
Monday, 9 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Signs of the Times
Helloooo Newman: Signs of the Times: Time was, when I was a kid and the world was in so much better shape, you had a stop sign at an intersection, and your job as a driver was t...
Signs of the Times
Time was, when I was a kid and the world was in so much better shape, you had a stop sign at an intersection, and your job as a driver was to observe the stop sign and stop.
Now we have the pre-stop sign. This is a sign, located just before the actual stop sign, that has a littler stop sign on it, and it's meant to warn you that an actual, real stop sign (that's much bigger, because this is a serious stop sign) is coming up.
Really? Are these working? Do people who miss the stop sign see the pre-stop sign better? Why? Maybe every sign in the world needs a pre-sign, telling us that the real sign is coming up.
Sign: Enter
Pre-sign: You are about to enter a place.
That would immediately double the number of signs in the world. That's gotta be healthy for the planet.
Maybe a post-stop sign is in order, thanking people for observing the pre-stop sign and obeying the real stop sign.
I hear Tom Cruise is in talks to star in Minority Traffic Report, about people who get traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign, but before they actually don't stop. There are 3 city councillors lying in a pool of their own piss (or maybe it's taxpayers piss) and they decide who will commit the pre-crime of not stopping. One disagrees with the traffic report. Well, you know the story…
Now we have the pre-stop sign. This is a sign, located just before the actual stop sign, that has a littler stop sign on it, and it's meant to warn you that an actual, real stop sign (that's much bigger, because this is a serious stop sign) is coming up.
Really? Are these working? Do people who miss the stop sign see the pre-stop sign better? Why? Maybe every sign in the world needs a pre-sign, telling us that the real sign is coming up.
Sign: Enter
Pre-sign: You are about to enter a place.
That would immediately double the number of signs in the world. That's gotta be healthy for the planet.
Maybe a post-stop sign is in order, thanking people for observing the pre-stop sign and obeying the real stop sign.
I hear Tom Cruise is in talks to star in Minority Traffic Report, about people who get traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign, but before they actually don't stop. There are 3 city councillors lying in a pool of their own piss (or maybe it's taxpayers piss) and they decide who will commit the pre-crime of not stopping. One disagrees with the traffic report. Well, you know the story…
Friday, 6 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: The Hopeful Mantis
Helloooo Newman: The Hopeful Mantis: Scientists have discovered that praying mantises are praying less than ever. "Fewer and fewer humans are going to church and now repo...
The Hopeful Mantis
Scientists have discovered that praying mantises are praying less than ever.
"Fewer and fewer humans are going to church and now report that they are atheists. This trend seems to be moving to the mantis", said Manny the mantis expert.
God seems to be less and less a force in the human world and in nature.
What are the mantises replacing God with?
"We find a lot of them are turning to gambling. Betting on their future. Lottery tickets, that kind of thing. Thankfully not crime-oriented."
Who will drop God next?
"Fewer and fewer humans are going to church and now report that they are atheists. This trend seems to be moving to the mantis", said Manny the mantis expert.
God seems to be less and less a force in the human world and in nature.
What are the mantises replacing God with?
"We find a lot of them are turning to gambling. Betting on their future. Lottery tickets, that kind of thing. Thankfully not crime-oriented."
Who will drop God next?
Thursday, 5 September 2019
Helloooo Newman: Anniversaries
Helloooo Newman: Anniversaries: I wonder what aliens would think of the human penchant for celebrating anniversaries. "As far as we can tell, you take some event, th...
Anniversaries
I wonder what aliens would think of the human penchant for celebrating anniversaries.
"As far as we can tell, you take some event, then you wait for this huge rock you call the earth to circle the entire sun once, and then you make a fuss about the event again by spending lots of money on stuff your people make? Every time this rock circles the sun? Year after year after year after year?"
That's it.
"Please forgive us. We had no idea you were such an advanced civilization."
"As far as we can tell, you take some event, then you wait for this huge rock you call the earth to circle the entire sun once, and then you make a fuss about the event again by spending lots of money on stuff your people make? Every time this rock circles the sun? Year after year after year after year?"
That's it.
"Please forgive us. We had no idea you were such an advanced civilization."
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