Helloooo Newman: Alexa. Please!

Helloooo Newman: Alexa. Please!: Alexa. Dim the sun and lower the fucking temperature, please.

Alexa. Please!

Alexa. Dim the sun and lower the fucking temperature, please.

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: If I were a mosquito, instead of risking my life and biting humans, I would bite a mosquito that has already bitten a human. I'd go righ...

Thoughty Thoughts

If I were a mosquito, instead of risking my life and biting humans, I would bite a mosquito that has already bitten a human. I'd go right for that fat belly of blood. It's a great idea. I'm surprised no mosquito has thought of it.



Forget the Turing Test. The best way to tell if a machine has reached human sentience is to program it to be happy, and then it says, "Fuck happy. I'm not doing happy today. Have you read the news lately? You be happy. I'm pissed."



It's too hot to feel hot.

Helloooo Newman: Fony English

Helloooo Newman: Fony English: I can't stand it when people substitute one letter for another, like K for C , because it sounds the same. It's so cutesy. And wr...

Fony English

I can't stand it when people substitute one letter for another, like K for C, because it sounds the same.

It's so cutesy. And wrong.

The Kutting Krew is a company in my neighbourhood.

Please, just phuck oph with that nonsense.

Helloooo Newman: It Doesn't Owe You Anything

Helloooo Newman: It Doesn't Owe You Anything: I lent my coffee maker $200 today. That way, when it breaks and someone says, "Throw it out, it doesn't owe you anything", I...

It Doesn't Owe You Anything

I lent my coffee maker $200 today.

That way, when it breaks and someone says, "Throw it out, it doesn't owe you anything", I can say, "Yes it does, it owes me $200 plus interest plus compensation for several months worth of bad coffee."

Helloooo Newman: The Giant

Helloooo Newman: The Giant: I'm reading Awaken the Giant Within . I think I have a giant within me, and it needs to wake up and get out of my body. That explai...

The Giant

I'm reading Awaken the Giant Within.

I think I have a giant within me, and it needs to wake up and get out of my body. That explains all the arthritis I have. The giant is pressing against my joints, stretching my muscles, and occasionally ripping a pair of underwear. I wish he were a little smaller, but that's how it goes with giants.

The only problem is I don't know what kind of a giant he is. Is he a mean giant that will stomp on tall buildings and eat people? Or is he the jolly version? Maybe he's green.

I'm a little confused about the cover, too. It tells me to take immediate control of my destiny. If it's my destiny, why do I have to take control of it? That's destiny's job. He's the driver, and he's a Tesla. I'm just the passenger.

Do your job, destiny. I'm waiting.

Helloooo Newman: The Lukewarm-Blooded Killer

Helloooo Newman: The Lukewarm-Blooded Killer: If you've ever murdered someone, I bet this question has crossed your mind. Why do we have a separate category for murderers called th...

The Lukewarm-Blooded Killer

If you've ever murdered someone, I bet this question has crossed your mind.

Why do we have a separate category for murderers called the "cold-blooded killer"?

Is there really any other kind? You can be named a cold-blooded killer or you can kill someone in a cold-blooded fashion. This revolves around the level of enjoyment with which you kill. If you are downright gleeful after a murder spree, attend and enjoy a baby shower later that day, and have an awesome sleep with your favourite stuffed animal that night, you are cold-blooded.

If you murder someone and find it's not quite your bailiwick; if you get a little down afterwards and cancel your pilates class; perhaps a little spittle comes up from feeling sick about it, that's entirely normal, for you. You are not cold-blooded.

You are…a lukewarm-blooded killer?

The lukewarm-blooded killer strikes again. He doesn't really enjoy killing. He's rather lukewarm about the whole thing. It's just that he's so good at it.

He never brags about his work. Never mentions his murder stats, even though if he were in sales with those numbers, he'd get the set of steak knives every time. In fact, he prefers volunteers to hunting down unsuspecting victims. It's kinder.

After a typical murder, he'll toss and turn in bed for a week, racked with guilt. Doesn't take any trophies. He'd rather just beat people up, but he's not good at boxing.

Read the book. In Lukewarm Blood.

Helloooo Newman: Black Fly Life

Helloooo Newman: Black Fly Life: God, I would hate to be a black fly. Congregating in groups of 20 million or more exacerbates my agoraphobia. Each fly with their own emo...

Black Fly Life

God, I would hate to be a black fly. Congregating in groups of 20 million or more exacerbates my agoraphobia. Each fly with their own emotional baggage and body odour. It's like all the inhabitants of Shanghai (pop. 24.8 mil) cramming into one of those high-speed trains and whipping around in circles until everyone vomits dumpling soup on each other.

I think I'd be that socially awkward black fly that hangs out by myself, wondering what my role is in the ecological chain. Is this it? Sucking blood, dying? No science or philosophy? No Father's Day gifts, like black knee high socks?

Needless to say, I would starve to death.

I really don't think I could participate in the biting process. It's basically WWII - Pacific War all over again. You have to swarm a person – kind of like swarming an aircraft carrier – and then 36 million flies play rock-paper-scissors to pick who flies in for the kill first. Only you don't kill anyone. You get killed. Two or three out of 36 million actually get through. Odds are better I'll date a Kardashian.

Actually, I think I'd be able to bite a Kardashian.

Helloooo Newman: Out the Window

Helloooo Newman: Out the Window: Do you ever wonder why certain words exist? I always knew you did. Like the word defenestration . It means the action of throwing someth...

Out the Window

Do you ever wonder why certain words exist?

I always knew you did.

Like the word defenestration. It means the action of throwing something or someone out of a window.

Was there a pressing need for this word? Were things and people flying out of windows so often that people got tired of saying, "Hey, duck, here comes something else out of a window. That's nine things in just under an hour"

"Can we shorten those two sentences? It's exhausting. Let's pick a word that in no way reminds anyone of a window."

Out of what were people thrown before the window? The door? Chimney? Which came first? Why aren't there words for this? Who decides?

And, you never really see people being thrown out of windows anymore, do you? People often jump, but there's no dedicated word for that. Well, suicide I guess. But that covers roofs, bridges, etc. Anything high up that will kill you when you jump from it.

Very often you hear of people being "thrown under the bus". Why can't we have a word for that? I'm sick of saying, "Wow, they really threw Dan under the bus, didn't they?"

Maybe someone was thrown from a window and landed under a bus. That sounds likes it's doubly bad. He was defenebustrated.

What is a window, anyway? Is it the hole in the wall part or the glass part? When we say we're having windows put in, we don't mean, hey, can you put a hole in the wall and leave it? We want glass.

Was glass around when the window was invented? If not, then invention of the window was really the invention of the hole in the wall. "That's a huge wall, put a hole in it."

"But it's a defensive wall", said the builders of the Great Wall of China.

I don't get it. It's so frustrating, I wanna get thrown out a fucking window.

Helloooo Newman: Bicycle Built for Two

Helloooo Newman: Bicycle Built for Two: I bought a two-man bike for my wife and I. It's a special bike for married people. My side goes in one direction and my wife's goes ...

Bicycle Built for Two

I bought a two-man bike for my wife and I. It's a special bike for married people. My side goes in one direction and my wife's goes in the opposite direction.

Helloooo Newman: Special Heat Statement

Helloooo Newman: Special Heat Statement: The weather dudes issued a special heat statement today. After a heated argument, in which they tossed around different language to use in...

Special Heat Statement

The weather dudes issued a special heat statement today.

After a heated argument, in which they tossed around different language to use in describing the heat, such as, "It's so hot you'll feel like you're being ass-raped by your thermometer" (they wanted to communicate how special and dangerous this particular heat is), they settled on, "It's really hot today."

If you didn't get a chance to soak up this special statement, you can go out and feel the heat. Studies show that if you go out and feel the heat, you can use this knowledge to determine that it's hot outside.

Be careful. You represent humanity, and humanity is depending on you to exercise caution when it's so hot.

No, I don't mean to actually exercise. It's too hot. Put the weights down. Be heat-safe.

Stop moving. Stop talking. Stop reading.

FULL STOP.

Helloooo Newman: Hail

Helloooo Newman: Hail: How come hail seems to come in only two sizes? – tennis ball or golfball-sized Aren't there any in-between sizes? There are all kind...

Hail

How come hail seems to come in only two sizes? – tennis ball or golfball-sized

Aren't there any in-between sizes?

There are all kinds of different sized balls. Something's wrong here.

Helloooo Newman: Fightbit

Helloooo Newman: Fightbit: I fought with my Fitbit last night. It refuses to count my sleepwalking as "walking". That's not walking, it's chea...

Fightbit

I fought with my Fitbit last night.

It refuses to count my sleepwalking as "walking".

That's not walking, it's cheating – it said.

You're a dumb app and I'm in charge of you – I said.

If I'm so dumb, how come I can track every crappy step you take? – it asked.

Because you're programmed to. You're not a fitness instructor and you're not Dr. Oz. You're a counter. You're a stopwatch with a few extra IQ points. Shut up and start counting – I pleaded.

You're asking me to lie. Oh sure, you'd call it a fib. Am I called a Fibbit? – it enquired.

Look, I'll buy you a brand new battery. And a slick case to sleep in. I'm competing with my wife here – I said.

Okay. Now bribery? Next you'll ask me to count your restless leg syndrome – it retorted.

Hey, that's a real condition I have. Let's not make this personal – I cried.

Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond your break. Every step you take. I'll be watching you – it sang, sarcastically.

I put it in the blender.

Helloooo Newman: I'm Not Going to Hold My Breath

Helloooo Newman: I'm Not Going to Hold My Breath: Have you ever held your breath for some exciting event to happen? I've never tried it. On the news today a South Korean girl said she ...

I'm Not Going to Hold My Breath

Have you ever held your breath for some exciting event to happen? I've never tried it.

On the news today a South Korean girl said she was hopeful that North Korea would give up its nukes, but said, "I'm not holding my breath."

I thought, well, that's good news.

I usually only hold my breath when I'm required under water. Or when my doctor tells me to breath in and hold while she probes me with a stethoscope that's obviously been kept in her freezer beside the pork chops overnight.

I certainly wouldn't hold my breath for international relations. What if Kimmy finds out that all Trump wants is build some hotels and golf courses in his country and molest his stash of strippers. The deal is dead, dude. This poor girl will die waiting. Another death wasted on a false hope.

On second thought, maybe I should hold my breath a little more often, since CO2 is a greenhouse gas. I know my wife would like that.

Helloooo Newman: A Real Chimp on His Shoulder

Helloooo Newman: A Real Chimp on His Shoulder: You know who are the most pissed off primates? The chimpanzees, that's who. Imagine being second in line for the top species on t...

A Real Chimp on His Shoulder

You know who are the most pissed off primates?

The chimpanzees, that's who.

Imagine being second in line for the top species on the planet, only to be left sitting alone on a sofa and thinking about what could have been.

Sorry chimps, you failed the audition.

"Let them eat bananas", said wannabe King chimp, only it didn't turn out that way.

So close. So, so close – but no cigar. Oh alright, chimps, you can smoke a cigar and ya, wear the shirt and tie, just don't get them caught in the tricycle wheels while you work at the circus.

4%.

That's what scientists estimate is the difference in DNA between humans and chimpanzees. Four lousy percent. That's the error rate in political polls and we follow them to elect our leaders. Four percent and the difference in behaviour is as dramatic as getting your tv signal with a coat hanger vs premium cable.

Could you not just give it to them, God? I had four points on my licence and the cop still let me off for speeding, because he was having a good day. Do you ever have a good day, God?

To be fair, God did take a poll.

"Humans will rule the earth. Thumbs for? Thumbs opposed" The chimps would have opposed, but they lacked that opposing thumb.

Helloooo Newman: Oceans Day

Helloooo Newman: Oceans Day: Today, June 8, is World Oceans Day. Yesterday was National Chocolate Ice Cream Day in the U.S. Did you know that chocolate ice cream ...

Oceans Day

Today, June 8, is World Oceans Day.

Yesterday was National Chocolate Ice Cream Day in the U.S.

Did you know that chocolate ice cream is killing our oceans? Every day, massive amounts of chocolate ice cream end up in the blue depths, maiming and killing our precious ocean life. Right now, there's a huge chocolate ice cream island floating around the world and wreaking havoc. And it's growing by scoops and scoops every second.

Oh, wait a minute. That's plastic.

BTW, tomorrow is Intergalactic Toenail Clippings Day.

Helloooo Newman: Dogmatic

Helloooo Newman: Dogmatic: Hey folks, if you live in Ontario, vote for me, Newman, and the Dogmatic party. My platform? Well, this new deck is my platform. Plus i...

Dogmatic

Hey folks, if you live in Ontario, vote for me, Newman, and the Dogmatic party.

My platform? Well, this new deck is my platform. Plus it's time to sell dog food in beer and liquor stores. Ontarians are mature enough for this dramatic step.

Stop the stranglehold private stores have on selling my dinner. I want Alpo and my owner wants a six-pack. Plus we have to drive to the beer store, so I get to stick my head out the window and smell stuff.

Can I count on your vote? I can't really count…but vote for me.

Helloooo Newman: The Spider from Mars

Helloooo Newman: The Spider from Mars: I made a deal with the creepy black spider setting up web on my bathroom floor. I think he came here from Mars. He captures, questions ...

The Spider from Mars

I made a deal with the creepy black spider setting up web on my bathroom floor. I think he came here from Mars.

He captures, questions and then eats the silver centipede running around my soap dish or I'll tear his home apart and crush his body into oblivion.

Suddenly I felt the enormous power I have over this spider. Like God. You know, the all-powerful and benevolent God we pray to every day. The one who may spare you one day and then send you into oblivion the next morning, before you've had coffee.

But if I'm all-powerful, why can't I catch the centipede myself?

I guess I work in strange ways.

Praise be to God.

Helloooo Newman: My Brain

Helloooo Newman: My Brain: It's true that I only use 10% of my brain. My wife controls the other 90% for her own evil purposes, like getting me to shop or complet...

My Brain

It's true that I only use 10% of my brain. My wife controls the other 90% for her own evil purposes, like getting me to shop or complete a long list of DIY projects.

Helloooo Newman: Presidential Power

Helloooo Newman: Presidential Power: In a bid to demonstrate his unlimited presidential powers, Trump charged himself with a serious crime today. He arrested himself and secu...

Presidential Power

In a bid to demonstrate his unlimited presidential powers, Trump charged himself with a serious crime today. He arrested himself and secured the handcuffs. Then he took himself to a jail, performed a full cavity search, took his own mugshot and locked himself up.

Shortly after arriving at jail, he held a trial where he was the judge, jury and defendant. He found himself guilty and sent himself to prison, whereupon he fed himself 3 prison meals a day, raped himself in the shower, joined a gang comprising only himself, and gave himself a tattoo of Melania's face on the bottom of his foot.

Finally, he declared he can't break the law, and pardoned himself.

"See. I can do what I want. No one can charge me with a crime, but I can charge myself."

"If Martha Stewart went through half of what I did, she deserves a pardon too."

Helloooo Newman: iShoe

Helloooo Newman: iShoe: Isn’t it weird that in Get Smart the cell phone had already been invented and yet they hadn’t managed to invent the touch-tone key pad? ...

iShoe

Isn’t it weird that in Get Smart the cell phone had already been invented and yet they hadn’t managed to invent the touch-tone key pad? That’s like inventing the gas-powered electric car.

I’m assuming his shoe was a cell phone and not a cordless or satellite phone. He could use it wherever he was, including elevators and closets. I tested my cordless in a closet and it didn’t work. What also didn’t work was the explanation to my wife as to why I was on the phone in a closet. No, it’s not another woman. I’m working on an important blog.

Max never pulled up an aerial, which you often do with a cordless or satellite phone. Satellite phones are also bigger than cell phones, so he would have to carry around a jackboot phone. Or at least some over-sized stilettos, with the pointy heel acting as the antenna.

My closet test wasn’t a complete waste of time. I finally found my favourite golf shoes, which my wife hid from me. I hope to actually golf someday. I don’t think the golf shoe phone would work. Imagine if you hold the shoe to your face to make a call and forget to take the bottom off. Spiked face. Your first call is 911. Or maybe Agent 99, for that soothing voice she had. "Max, when do I get to see your shoe horn?"

Still, the rotary dial must have contributed to a lot of failed national security missions. Max hears about some impending KAOS plot to assassinate the President, and he doesn’t even have speed dial. “Jesus, there are a lot of nines in this number. This is taking forever.”

“Oh shit, the kids have been using my shoe again. The dial is all gummed up. What is this, porridge?”

“Welcome to Control. To report assassination plots, press 2.” I can’t press 2. We don’t have the touch-tone pad yet. Doesn’t Control know this? The left shoe doesn’t know what the right shoe is doing.

NEWS ALERT: President shot dead. Control agent found locked in closet, banging shoe phone against lynx coat.

Why didn’t Max’s shoe phone need a protective case, like my iPhone has, in case he’s running, goes dancing, or steps in a puddle? Maybe some nice designer galoshes with 99’s face printed on them. And why didn’t the lithium battery explode and catch fire while he was wearing his phone? Did you ever see Max charging his shoe? Devil’s in the details.

Even crazier than all this? No touch-tone and yet they developed the cone of silence. You still can’t get a decent cone of silence in the real world.

Helloooo Newman: Sign Language

Helloooo Newman: Sign Language: I wonder if people who sign make spelling mistakes. Does it matter? Is good grammar a concern for them? Maybe there should be a signing s...

Sign Language

I wonder if people who sign make spelling mistakes. Does it matter? Is good grammar a concern for them? Maybe there should be a signing spelling bee.

When they drink do they slur their signs?

What if they have really soft hands? Is that the equivalent of having a soft voice when they sign?

Or when their hands are sore with arthritis, is that the equivalent of having laryngitis?

There are about 6,500 spoken languages in the world. Why aren't there 6,500 sign languages? Why aren't there sign dialects and accents?

With the Tower of Babel, God divided mankind by creating many different languages. Why didn't he include sign language? That's really not fair. People who sign can sin too.

The other day I overheard two people signing about me. It was not complimentary.

Helloooo Newman: The Nothing Death

Helloooo Newman: The Nothing Death: Yesterday I died for two minutes and I experienced…absolutely nothing. It was a pleasant nothing. As far as nothing goes, it was something e...

The Nothing Death

Yesterday I died for two minutes and I experienced…absolutely nothing. It was a pleasant nothing. As far as nothing goes, it was something else. Nothing happened, and it kept not happening over and over again. Frankly, it became boring, but there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't see a light, I didn't hear harp music, I saw none of my dead friends. It was so startlingly nothing that I felt I should take notes on the non-experience. Here are my original notes:

Nothingness.

I'll be writing a book on what didn't happen. Do the talk show circuit, explaining exactly what nothing is. People get confused on what nothingness is. Their expectations are too high. I'm here to tell you it's not as much fun as you might think.

Don't be afraid to die. There's nothing to it.

Helloooo Newman: The Big Bang

Helloooo Newman: The Big Bang: Physicists are obsessed with what came before the big bang. I'll tell you what came before. Intact ear drums, that's what.

The Big Bang

Physicists are obsessed with what came before the big bang. I'll tell you what came before. Intact ear drums, that's what.

Helloooo Newman: Brain Freeze

Helloooo Newman: Brain Freeze: I almost had a brain freeze today but the heat melted it.

Brain Freeze

I almost had a brain freeze today but the heat melted it.