Helloooo Newman: Costume Malfunction

Helloooo Newman: Costume Malfunction: NO!!!  NO!!!  NO!!! I pleaded with Duchess. Here she is struggling to fit into her halloween costume. She wants to be a  chihuahua ...

Costume Malfunction

NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!

I pleaded with Duchess.

Here she is struggling to fit into her halloween costume.

She wants to be a chihuahua.

NONSENSE!

"Duchess. We've gone over this. I just don't think people will buy it. Remember the two words I taught you. People will not buy that you are a chihuahua because there is a huge "credibility gap".

"And then I defined credibility gap for you. It would be like me dressing as Chewbacca, who is 7.1 feet tall (as played by Peter Mayhew). It won't wash. I'm more R2-D2, and I'm okay with that."

"Now come on, I'll get the brown paint and we'll go as Scooby-Doo again, okay?"

Helloooo Newman: Colour Blind

Helloooo Newman: Colour Blind: If blind people have an animal to help them see, why don't colour blind people? A dog wouldn't work, of course. They see some co...

Colour Blind

If blind people have an animal to help them see, why don't colour blind people?

A dog wouldn't work, of course. They see some colour, but not enough to suit a human.

I was thinking of something that really knows colours. Lives and breaths them. Mixes and matches them.

An interior decorator.

Colour blind people should have a seeing-colour-eye-decorator.

It's a great way for an interior decorator to make some extra cash. It would be better, though, if both were into S&M. That would help explain the collar around the interior decorator's neck and the leash hanging down.

Helloooo Newman: A Dog's Breakfast

Helloooo Newman: A Dog's Breakfast: It's 8:00 a.m. and time for breakfast. You might remember Duchess, from a previous blog. What's in her mouth? Is it a squirre...

A Dog's Breakfast

It's 8:00 a.m. and time for breakfast.

You might remember Duchess from a previous blog.

What's in her mouth? Is it a squirrel? A dead puppy? The baby from A Cry in the Dark?

I call it a Mud McMuffin, and it's her breakfast.

Duchess has the uncanny ability to sniff out houses that have just spent thousands re-sodding their lawn and tears out the largest piece she can possibly carry. Wet sod for her is like dinner at Ruth's Chris for me.

Duchess carries this for the entire walk, or until I instruct her that she can proceed to prepare it for feasting. Preparation consists of vigorously shaking the mud/grass melange until it achieves a nice lightness to it, similar to a wonderfully flakey filo pastry. Then she dines on it in small pieces, being careful not to overload her sensitive digestive system. Her digestion seems fine to me, since she also eats acorns, chestnuts, candy wrappers, bones, deer feces, cars, and the occasional person.

Why don't I remove it from her mouth? Well, later in the day I teach piano, and I need my hands and arms for that.

Don't you get hungry just looking at this?

Helloooo Newman: Malls

Helloooo Newman: Malls: I don't get malls. Why have a piano store in a mall? "Hey honey, after I get some pants, shoes and groceries, I just want to quic...

Malls

I don't get malls.

Why have a piano store in a mall? "Hey honey, after I get some pants, shoes and groceries, I just want to quickly pop in and buy a $50,000 grand piano."

And those key cutting stores. They're always located deep in the environs of the mall, smack dab in the last place you ever want to find yourself. Usually right beside the shoemaker. And for some reason the electricity doesn't quite reach there. That's why the lights are always flickering.

When I get my keys cut, that's when I also do my drug deals, because no one is around to see.

Why do we hide these stores? Maybe because we also hide our keys.

I'm pretty sure the key grinding guy and the shoemaker are the same guy everywhere, he's always been about 72 years old, and his back has never been straight. I think he was in Lord of the Rings too.

You never see a sale on key grinding. I bet that disappoints janitors. Today only: 80 keys for the price of 60. Girls washroom keys half price.

The key cutting store should really be located elsewhere, like near the dentist. Hey, while you're grinding my teeth down, can you grind this key for me too?

Or near the real estate agent. Need a key to get into your new house, don't you?

Maybe the best place to be located is beside Starbucks. Can you grind me three keys and a pound of robusta please?

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe: My mouth needs cockcorrect. I mean carcorrect. Sorry, that's autocorrect. See?

Blurbs and Woe

My mouth needs cockcorrect.

I mean carcorrect.

Sorry, that's autocorrect.

See?

Helloooo Newman: Germane

Helloooo Newman: Germane: You never hear the word "germane" used anymore. I've been to lots of parties over the years, mostly due to my famous blog, ...

Germane

You never hear the word "germane" used anymore.

I've been to lots of parties over the years, mostly due to my famous blog, and not once has anyone used that word. I shouted it out at a party once and was immediately kicked out. Even a woman named Germaine didn't like it.

That's too bad.

It means "relevant to the issue". It's weird that a word meaning relevant isn't relevant anymore.

Words are like muscles. Stop using them and they atrophize - is that a word?

Let's start flexing "germane" again.

#germaneisrelevant.

Helloooo Newman: Gingerbread

Helloooo Newman: Gingerbread: Where are all the gingerbread women? My entire life I've only ever seen gingerbread of the male gender. We can't have gingerbr...

Gingerbread

Where are all the gingerbread women?

My entire life I've only ever seen gingerbread of the male gender.

We can't have gingerbread men without gingerbread women, right?

So, where the hell are they?

Are they trapped in some dystopian Margaret Atwoodish world where they are locked up in factories, producing gingerbread babies on command? Gingerbaby machines. I bet some of them are eaten by the gingerbread elite before they can grow up and get jobs working in a gingerbread house.

It's shocking, particularly because gingerbread men seem so kind. Always a smile on their face and arms wide open, eager to hug. Uh oh, eager to hug. An early warning sign? I just found out George Bush Senior is a serial female-bum-patter — from his wheelchair. Obviously, you never know a person, or your gingerbread.

There's something stale in the gingerbread world. This Christmas, keep your eyes open for the missing gingerbread women.

#findthegingerbreadwomen

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woes: I'm doing a standup routine at one of those restaurants with no lights. I hope my humour isn't too dark for them.

Blurbs and Woes

I'm doing a standup routine at one of those restaurants with no lights. I hope my humour isn't too dark for them.

Helloooo Newman: Happy Birthday, Duchess

Helloooo Newman: Happy Birthday, Duchess: Happy birthday to one of my favourite dogs – Duchess. Duchess is four today and only has nine more feet to grow. Her parents, a bottl...

Happy Birthday, Duchess

Happy birthday to one of my favourite dogs – Duchess.

Duchess is four today and only has nine more feet to grow.

Her parents, a bottlenose dolphin and a cement truck, are very proud.

Below you see Duchess's home, right behind her. This is registered as a condo and actually has a condo board running it.

Many more, Duchess.

Helloooo Newman: To the Moon, Alice

Helloooo Newman: To the Moon, Alice: Ever notice how people like to use the moon to measure things on earth? Here's an interesting fact I read: if you lay out all the y...

To the Moon and Back, Alice

Ever notice how people like to use the moon to measure things on earth?

Here's an interesting fact I read: if you lay out all the yoyo string on the planet in a straight line, it would reach to the moon and back seven times.

Is that helpful? Do you now have a better idea of how much yoyo string is out there? Do you give a shit?

None of us really get much opportunity to visit the moon and develop an idea for how far it is. When I see a full moon in the sky, it looks like maybe it's 5 or 10 miles away. How the hell do I know how far it is by looking at it?

Can't we can use more relatable measures? Like the distance from the dinner plate to my mouth, or from my mattress to the toilet. I know those distances quite well.

If you lay out all the yoyo string on the planet in a straight line, it would reach from my mattress to my toilet and back 400 million times.

Ah, now I get it.

That's a lot of toilet visits.

Helloooo Newman: Schrödinger's Raccoon?

Helloooo Newman: Schrödinger's Raccoon?: I wonder why Schrödinger chose a cat for his box of death. Or should I say, box of life and death existing at the same time. Cats are c...

Schrödinger's Raccoon?

I wonder why Schrödinger chose a cat for his box of death. Or should I say, box of life and death existing at the same time.

Cats are cute, cuddly, and innocent.

Things that aren't cute, cuddly and innocent are the raccoons rooting through my garbage and crapping in the garage. He could have filled the box with trillions of mosquitoes. Or put my neighbour in there, who doesn't pick up his dog poo.

I mean, was this guy really that much of a genius?

Helloooo Newman: Boys and Girls

Helloooo Newman: Boys and Girls: It's interesting that we always refer to dogs as "girl" and "boy" , never "man" and "woman"...

Boys and Girls

It's interesting that we always refer to dogs as "girl" and "boy", never "man" and "woman".

"Is he a boy?"

"Ya. In human years he's 130, but we still call him a boy, even though he drags his hind legs around from hip dysplasia, is blind in one and a half eyes, collects a pension, and barks at the laundry all day."

Don't you think older pets deserve the dignity of being adults?

"Who's a good man?" "You're such a good man."

Some dogs should probably even be knighted. Sir Newman. Known for his philanthropy, he shares his food with less fortunate dogs.

The weird thing is that when we switch to wild animals, like lions and tigers, we suddenly call them "male" or "female".

"Is he the male of the species?"

"Yes. He will not come when you call 'here boy'. He will eat your torso".

Then I saw this guy who took care of elephants. He called his elephant "girl".

So that's it. "Girl" and "boy" suggests an emotional closeness to animals. "Male" and "female" separates us from the animal. It's more clinical. I don't mind being separated from a wild animal that wants to hunt me.

"Man" and "woman" is reserved for the pinnacle of life – humans. You know, the ones fucking up the world.

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe: Someone was following me last night. Normally I'm not disturbed by these kinds of things. I've been a city boy all my life, and th...

Blurbs and Woe

Someone was following me last night.

Normally I'm not disturbed by these kinds of things. I've been a city boy all my life, and then some.

But it was dark out, and you never know these days.

Could I take him? Gouge his eyes out with the car keys maybe. I'd have to warn him first.

Stand my ground. Look him in the eye. Flinch not.

Why are you following me? Stop following me!!

OH SHIT.

Then I realized I was on Twitter.

I put the car keys away.

Helloooo Newman: Genius

Helloooo Newman: Genius: When I'm writing, I cover my body in a medley of talcum powder, baby powder, sawdust, antiperspirant, cotton balls, sponges, tampons, Hu...

Genius

When I'm writing, I cover my body in a medley of talcum powder, baby powder, sawdust, antiperspirant, cotton balls, sponges, tampons, Huggies and Bounty (the thicker, quicker picker-upper).

That way my genius no longer takes 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration. Now it's more like half a percent perspiration, even less inspiration and 99.3215% scratching myself.

Helloooo Newman: My Brain Not On Google Maps

Helloooo Newman: My Brain Not On Google Maps: I hate when people stop me on the street with no warning and ask for directions. Especially when it's for something that should be ea...

My Brain Not On Google Maps

I hate when people stop me on the street with no warning and ask for directions. Especially when it's for something that should be easy to find. Like my own house.

My I.Q. drops like the Nasdaq and I'm a flibbering idiot.

"Excuse me, can you give me directions to your house?"

"Duh, okay. You turn straight, duh, and then you doopey doo down there, and then…"

After the person drives away you realize you gave the wrong directions. So you try to exit the neighbourhood before you run into the person again.

"Hey, shit head. Thanks for the detour (throws beer bottle).

"You've lived in Toronto how long?"

"All my life but, you know, a third of that time was spent sleeping."

Helloooo Newman: I'm A Star Bucks

Helloooo Newman: I'm A Star Bucks: For those elegant, refined and pretentious folks, Starbucks offers the new La-Di-Datte.

I'm A Star Bucks

For those elegant, refined, pretentious, hoity-toity folk, Starbucks offers the new La-Di-Datte.

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe: I never became a Mormon because it's too easily confused with the word moron .

Blurbs and Woe

I never became a Mormon because it's too easily confused with the word moron.

Helloooo Newman: Vibrating Off the Table

Helloooo Newman: Vibrating Off the Table: I miss the phrase, "My phone has been ringing off the hook." Made me feel busy and important. Much more so than I really am. ...

Vibrating Off the Table

I miss the phrase, "My phone has been ringing off the hook."

Made me feel busy and important. Much more so than I really am.

It's been replaced with, "My phone has been vibrating off the table, smashing on the floor and costing me another $800."

Helloooo Newman: Occam's Razor

Helloooo Newman: Occam's Razor: I shave with Occam's Razor. It makes the fewest cuts.

Occam's Razor

I shave with Occam's Razor. It makes the fewest cuts.

Helloooo Newman: Brain Down the Drain

Helloooo Newman: Brain Down the Drain: Scientists are furiously trying to figure out why a human brain, trapped in the above face (and wrapped only in a bathrobe, no less) , co...

Brain Down the Drain

Scientists are furiously trying to figure out why a human brain, trapped in the above face (and wrapped only in a bathrobe, no less), could ever imagine it is attractive to women.

Initial findings suggest the above "person" is the genetic result of sex between a pit bull and a gourd, and that it created a new brain part that isn't just completely divorced from reality, but was never married to it in the first place.

LOCK HIM UP!

Helloooo Newman: The Knob

Helloooo Newman: The Knob: If members of The Doors decided to tour separately, would each one of them be called The Door? "Ladies and gentlemen, opening tonig...

The Knob

If members of The Doors decided to tour separately, would each one of them be called The Door?

"Ladies and gentlemen, opening tonight only for The Door, The Knob"

Helloooo Newman: A Dear Newman Letter

Helloooo Newman: A Dear Newman Letter: Dear faithful Helloooo Newman readers; I have terrible news. After a short hiatus, I am back to writing my blogs. Put down the New York ...

A Dear Newman Letter

Dear faithful Helloooo Newman readers;

I have terrible news.

After a short hiatus, I am back to writing my blogs. Put down the New York Times and turn off Two Broke Girls, you will again be subjected to vile, empty and often stolen humour.

Unforeseen circumstances made me too exhausted to churn out my lowbrow (and sometimes unibrow) comedy.

I've been wrestling with some pretty big challenges. Scientists just discovered where half of the missing matter in the universe resides, which explains my four chins and drooping jowls.

I opened a can of beans this morning. You know when you are making the very last tiny cut on the metal lid of a can and the lid, which is ever-so-fucking-slightly smaller than the can, falls into the beans? Goddamn, try removing that. It's easier just to eat it.

Like a category 1000 hurricane hitting some far off island, that's part of a rich country, the blogs will be stormin' at you.

Hold on tight…



PS: Did you know doctors have discovered that not reading Helloooo Newman daily causes IBS? Or maybe it was reading it daily that causes IBS. I'll have to reread that and let you know.

Helloooo Newman: Dography: Duchess

Helloooo Newman: Dography: Duchess: Dography is a Helloooo Newman mini-series. It features biographies of the dogs I walk. Duchess Say hi to Duchess the Great Dane, my ...

Dography: Duchess

Dography is a Helloooo Newman mini-series. It features biographies of the dogs I walk.

Duchess

Say hi to Duchess the Great Dane, my favourite dog, save for Newman.

This is her head. Think of it as the tip of a fantastically large iceberg. Much larger than the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. She is also much larger than the Titanic, harder to sink, and her mouth can save more passengers than all the Titanic lifeboats.

Don't be fooled by the scale in this picture. Those two trees in the background are 400 foot redwood Sequoias, reduced to Bonsai status beside Duchess.

Duchess likes to eat stale grass in a wet mud couscous, as well as some of the cuter infants that stroll around the neighbourhood in carriages. Strangely enough, upon finishing a baby, she spits out the diaper. I would have pegged that as the best part, thinking dog-like.

The awesome thing about walking Duchess is that I get a 5-kilometre area to myself due to the public-wide fear she instills. Imagine a 50s Japanese Godzilla movie, stomping through a village as the panicked residents flee, screaming in mismatched vocals. That's why her nickname is Dogzilla.

The truth is that Duchess is a huge sweetheart and a gigantic suck. She loves belly rubs and discussing the finer points of Hemingway's work. Notice the furrowed brow, denoting a well-read dog. I have trouble keeping up because it requires me to read.

She also speaks Great Danish fluently.

No, that's not a muzzle on her face. It's a harmless halti, which allows me to control her movements because she's Ronda Rousey and I'm Pee-wee Herman. She could still eat me if she so desired.

I do nothing to dispel the "Duchess as monster" myth. Who doesn't want a neighbourhood to themselves.