Helloooo Newman: Extremely Bright Idea

Helloooo Newman: Extremely Bright Idea: Friday night I was discussing with a cohort those restaurants where you eat in the dark. It's called blind dining . (see O.Noir...

Extremely Bright Idea

Friday night I was discussing with a cohort those restaurants where you eat in the dark. It's called blind dining. (see O.Noir in Toronto)

That got me thinking. You know what happens when I think, don't you?

I am inventing bright dining, where the lights are so bright that you also can't see anything. Other than light.

This gives the public a clear choice between the dark side and the light side.

I included a picture of the restaurant above. Trust me, the food looks great.

Couple of kinks:

1. Each dinner costs $1,200, to pay for the electrical bill and make some profit
2. People must sign a waiver for possible retinal damage, cataracts etc.

Keep your eyes closed for the opening of the first bright dining experience.

Helloooo Newman: Nutritional Advice

Helloooo Newman: Nutritional Advice: Nutritionists have decided that people drowning can forgo the 8-glasses-of-water-a-day rule, but they still shouldn't swim on a ...

Nutritional Advice

Nutritionists have decided that people drowning can forgo the 8-glasses-of-water-a-day rule,
but they still shouldn't swim on a full stomach.

Helloooo Newman: $7.99

Helloooo Newman: $7.99: I think if 7 of 9 from Star Trek and Agent   99 from Get Smart had a daughter together  (unlikely, I realize) , they could call her $7....

$7.99

I think if 7 of 9 from Star Trek and Agent 99 from Get Smart had a daughter together (unlikely, I realize), they could call her $7.99.

Then, when she starts dating boys, the guy can ask, "Hey, does that include tax, ha, ha?"

"Women never include tax", $7.99 retorts. "But you can round it off and call me $8, ha, ha."

"Men never round prices off", the boy says.

"You can't afford me."

Good thing they both have a sense of humour.

She can change her name with inflation, too.

"Hi, $7.99."

"Oh, it's $15 and change now."

Helloooo Newman: I'm Smart, I'm Dumb

Helloooo Newman: I'm Smart, I'm Dumb: Whenever I doubt my abilities, which starts every day just after I wake up and before my first coffee, I remind myself of certain facts ...

I'm Smart, I'm Dumb

Whenever I doubt my abilities, which starts every day just after I wake up and before my first coffee, I remind myself of certain facts to puts things in perspective and help me feel…more geniusy.

Did you know Einstein failed kindergarten? And he started talking really late – in his early twenties – I think. Not only that. E=MC2 was originally D=LB1, but while his mom bathed him the ink he wrote the formula in got all soggy. Genius, my ass.

Then, just as I start to feel smarter, I recall that Paul McCartney wrote When I'm Sixty Four in his mom's womb. The "Sixty Four" refers to the 64 days in her tummy when he grabbed a guitar and composed. Amazing, and a true downer for me, since I play piano, but I didn't even start until after I was born. And I needed lots of lessons.

On the other hand, Mozart never wrote anything worth listening to until the age of 8. What a wasted toddlerhood. I, on the other hand, did amazing things with crayons.

Da Vinci invented all kinds of cool shit, like the Slapchop and Craftmatic Adjustable bed, but have you ever seen that lady painting? What's it called? The Mona Lisa? It's soooooo tiny. You can barely see it from 40 feet away. How the hell does anyone know if it's really that good when you can't get close to it?

I feel better knowing that. But then…

All my confidence is destroyed remembering Marconi, who invented macaroni, the miracle food that fueled the rise of universities everywhere. The poor man never got any credit because of a silly spelling mistake. Marconi and cheese would have brought him the fame he deserved. Instead, he is known for the annoying radios blaring out of passing sports cars.

I feel smart. I feel dumb. I feel smart. I feel dumb.

I can't decide which is right.

Helloooo Newman: Let Sleeping Beds Lie

Helloooo Newman: Let Sleeping Beds Lie: I was arguing with my wife last week and she hit me with, "You've made your bed, now you have to lie in it", meaning I have...

Let Sleeping Beds Lie

I was arguing with my wife last week and she hit me with, "You've made your bed, now you have to lie in it", meaning I have to accept the bad decisions I've made in my life.

"Ha. No I don't."

And I didn't, because we were in a hotel and the maid made the bed.

But then she made me sleep in the foldout bed, which I had to make myself. So she was right.

I guess I've made some really bad life decisions, because when I make the bed at home, it unmakes itself.

Helloooo Newman: The Reports of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggera...

Helloooo Newman: The Reports of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggera...: Helloooo, Helloooo Newman fans H. Newman just learned that some of you have experienced an interruption in our blogs via Facebook. We ...

The Reports of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Helloooo, Helloooo Newman fans

H. Newman just learned that some of you have experienced an interruption in our blogs via Facebook.

We apologize to our valued customers. We have retained the United Airlines PR firm to handle this growing international crisis. So far, the message they want to put out is, "shut up, motherfuckers, or we'll drag you off the Internet", but I am assured that this will be tweaked a bit.

If this happens again, masks will drop from your ceiling and feed you laughing gas.

And the cause? Putin and Trump, working together, hacked poor Newman and prevented articles from making their world-wide-web debut. Why did they targeted us? Can you think of a reason?

Apparently they feel our coverage of their antics has been unfair – that we've been mocking them.

I guess people see what they want to see. So typical of murderous dictators and dictator-wannabe's.

Normal H. Newman service has returned so get laughing!

Helloooo Newman: Semordnilaps

Helloooo Newman: Semordnilaps: It's an amazing feature of our universe that God spelled backwards is dog and devil spelled backwards is lived. Devil also has the ...

Semordnilaps

It's an amazing feature of our universe that God spelled backwards is dog and devil spelled backwards is lived.

Devil also has the word "evil" in it, which backwards spells "live".

Some day we may even figure out why all this is important.

The amazement doesn't end there. If you take the letters of my name, "Paul", and replace them with the letters g-e-n-i-u-s, it spells genius.

I know. Amazing.

Helloooo Newman: United We Fall

Helloooo Newman: United We Fall: United Airlines forcibly ejected another passenger today. This situation was a little different because the plane was at 30,000 feet. ...

United We Fall

United Airlines forcibly ejected another passenger today.

This situation was a little different because the plane was at 30,000 feet.

Asked why they repeated the same mistake, given all the bad publicity, the CEO, Oscar (the wizard of) Munoz said, "Well, the situation was a little different since the plane was at 30,000 feet so, understandably, the staff thought it was okay."

Unfortunately, it turns out cop the who ejected the passenger experienced a flashback to his thug training and heave-hoed the passenger, thinking it was all a test of his ability to be inhumane.

The United stock price fell with the passenger.

Helloooo Newman: E-Transfer Cake

Helloooo Newman: E-Transfer Cake: I was at a kid's birthday last weekend and instead of a money cake, they had an E-transfer cake. Lucky kids would find an IOU in the...

E-Transfer Cake

I was at a kid's birthday last weekend and instead of a money cake, they had an E-transfer cake. Lucky kids would find an IOU in their piece of cake, give it to the bday mom, and receive an e-transfer of 25 cents into their bank account. If the kid didn't have an account (it was a four-year-old's bday), their mom received it for the kid's trust fund.

It was so sweet watching the kiddie's eyes light up as they bit into an IOU and knew their account, or trust fund, was going to be electronically credited 25 cents.

It's so important that traditions like this are maintained, while keeping up with advancing technology.

Helloooo Newman: RRS

Helloooo Newman: RRS: I have Repetitive Repetitiveness Syndrome, which means I repeat things a lot,  but only when I write. It's called RRS for short, ...

RRS

I have Repetitive Repetitiveness Syndrome, which means I repeat things a lot, 

but only when I write.

It's called RRS for short, which stands for Repetitive Repetitiveness Syndrome, 

which means I repeat things a lot, but only when I write.

Helloooo Newman: Hair Raising Test

Helloooo Newman: Hair Raising Test: Kim Jong-un, in defiance of Trump's military thumps, conducted yet another nuclear test. The test was designed to see how KJ'...

Hair Raising Test

Kim Jong-un, in defiance of Trump's military thumps, conducted yet another nuclear test.

The test was designed to see how KJ's carefully structured hair would withstand a nuclear blast of one megaton. This produces a far greater wind and heat than you and I are exposed to, say, walking in downtown Chicago in July. Your normal conditioner and stabilizer would be useless in these conditions.

This rare satellite photo proves the test was a success, because KJ's hair still looks awesome and he is with a big smile.

Scientists are studying the possible technological leaps behind this remarkable advancement, and which hairdressers might be complicit.

Experts have concluded that with this new ability, KJ is more ready than ever to not only fight and win a nuclear war, but to enjoy it and look good afterwards.

Helloooo Newman: Junk Prayers

Helloooo Newman: Junk Prayers: I wonder if religious preachers who talk to God ever receive junk messages, like us normal people who get junk email and texts. How do ...

Junk Prayers

I wonder if religious preachers who talk to God ever receive junk messages, like us normal people who get junk email and texts.

How do they know it's a genuine message from God? What if it's Lucifer pretending to be God, and he sends a message saying "Click Here" and you'll go to Heaven.

So you click there (in your head) and a virus is released in your brain that gathers and releases all your evil and dirty thoughts to the world on Wikileaks.

What if someone hacks my prayers? Say the guy down the street sends a prayer under my name, asking "Dear God, please make beer cheaper."

For sure, I want beer to be cheaper. But I have enough class to know not to ask God for that. Besides, He's still working on my prayer to be a rock star.

Hmmm. I'm gonna be more careful praying.

Helloooo Newman: Near Death

Helloooo Newman: Near Death: Are near-death experiences proof of an afterlife? The giveaway word is "near" . Near-death means you are very much alive but...

Near Death

Are near-death experiences proof of an afterlife?

The giveaway word is "near". Near-death means you are very much alive but somewhere in the vicinity of death. Maybe you live in the same neighbourhood as death, perhaps just down the street. You might take the same bus to work as death, but you definitely don't get off at the same stop. Death orders the same latte as you, but it's not so nearly as sweet.

Okay, maybe you even knock on death's door to borrow some lemons, but there's no answer. By the way, if death gives you lemons, forget about lemonade. You rub that lemon on the tiniest paper cut.

The point is you are nearly dead, and mostly still alive.

To actually be dead, you've moved in with death. You have a cot in the basement with no windows, a leaky toilet and a very large and noisy furnace. The front door is locked and you can't order Chinese food so the doorbell rings and you open the door to escape. You eat dinner with death, and it's burnt meatloaf every day. You are not leaving.

A near-death experience is really a before-death experience, so whatever happens doesn't really count as afterlife.

Let me interview someone who's been dead for a year, and then maybe I'll believe in an afterlife.

Near-death experiences must be scary, but far scarier are near-life experiences. To live a near-life experience is to live life as if you were dead. No passion, excitement or challenges. You just haven't been buried yet.

I think I'd prefer near-death.

Helloooo Newman: The Dao of Flying

Helloooo Newman: The Dao of Flying: David Dao (pronounced Dow) United Airlines is teaching their customers to live according to the ancient wisdom on the  Dao . The Da...

The Dao of Flying

David Dao (pronounced Dow)

United Airlines is teaching their customers to live according to the ancient Chinese wisdom of the Dao. It's called the Dao of Flying.

The Dao means "The Way", in particular, the way out of your airplane seat, off the plane, and to the hospital with a concussion and loose teeth.

The Dao philosophy has many valuable lessons on living life wisely and harmoniously.

One must free oneself from an attachment to desires and things. 

A good example is your airline ticket. You paid $500-1,000 for it, showed up 3 hours before the flight, you were groped by a large sweaty man with blue gloves on, put in a Borg scanner, promised a tiny seat, and actually given a seat.

You must let go of all that. It's not important to a peaceful life, especially when an airline can use violence to separate you from the desire for your seat. The Dao instructs you to not let yourself be beaten up, you moron.

Let's pretend you are a doctor. You are attached to your patients. No, no. Let it go, doc. They will die sometime anyway.

(Time to breathe deeply and eat some tiny pretzels)

The Dao teaches us there is a limit to what rationality and reasoning can teach us. What a coincidence. This is also found in the United Airlines training manual.

You may want to refer to two ancient Chinese books of wisdom - The I Ching and the I Paid. The I Paid teaches you that paying for something means dick for actually getting it. You might actually be paying for urgent medical care instead.

(Feel the energy flow from a cop's fist to your face)

We leave you with an important Dao mantra – "those who know do not speak…they punch.

PS: For more United Dao wisdom, please refer to the card in front of you.

Helloooo Newman: Thinking on your Feet

Helloooo Newman: Thinking on your Feet: What's with "thinking on your feet" ? Why is that valued in our modern society? If I know my archeology, even Neanderthal...

Thinking on your Feet

What's with "thinking on your feet"?

Why is that valued in our modern society? If I know my archeology, even Neanderthal Man could walk and think about stuff, like taking down the local Mastodon or going cave-to-cave selling his paintings.

Is it really that hard to do? I think on my feet all the time. Recently I was walking around San Francisco at night and thought about the guy behind me with the "busted knuckles" tattoos on his eyeballs wanting my wallet.

Using my brain, I was able to regulate my feet and change walking into a swift run to the police station.

It was easy. Explaining to the police why I urinated in my jeans wasn't as easy.

The only time thinking on your feet becomes an achievement is while you're wearing high heels, but I haven't done that in a long time.

Your feet are the furthest body part from your brain, so I don't think they have anything to do with thinking.

I prefer thinking on my ass, which is closer to my brain, and might even contain my brain. Or even better, on my back. Lying on an individually-pocketed-and-coiled mattress. Followed by a nap.

Thinking on your head makes the most sense to me. We think with our head, so why not stand on it?

I've never tried standing on my head and working out some complex problem, but I'm sure going to.

If it works well, I hope this erases the nonsense phrase "thinking on your feet".

Helloooo Newman: Unleashed

Helloooo Newman: Unleashed: It's amazing to think that, had humans never domesticated animals, the leash would not exist. There isn't a single other use for...

Unleashed

It's amazing to think that, had humans never domesticated animals, the leash would not exist.

There isn't a single other use for the leash.

Except…people get married.

So. Right. Never mind.

Helloooo Newman: Oscar the Grouch

Helloooo Newman: Oscar the Grouch: This is a picture of United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz, aka the Seat Nazi, aka Say Hello To My Little Seat Policemen, aka Your Airline Tic...

Oscar the Grouch

This is United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz, aka the Seat Nazi, aka Say Hello To My Little Seat Policemen, aka Your Airline Ticket is Shit to Me and finally, Oscar the Grouch.

Oscar looks grouchy because he was just forcibly removed from his La-Z-Boy seat by his wife and children, even though he booked his seat two months ago to relax and watch the chainsaw shower scene from Scarface. "The guy in the shower deserved it", says Oscar.

Unfortunately, the La-Z-Boy was overbooked, with Oscar's wife offering it to her lover for the night, CEO of Air Canada, who is a much nicer guy and has great health care.

It's not like Oscar's family didn't try to negotiate. They offered him an intensive week-long seminar in Chechnya viewing all the Saw movies in the most comfortable chair that country has to offer.

He refused.

Oscar is left to wonder if he will be forcibly removed from his big boy CEO chair.

Helloooo Newman: Turbulent Times

Helloooo Newman: Turbulent Times: A United Airlines passenger was badly hurt from what looks like rocky turbulence on a flight yesterday. What makes this turbulence uni...

Turbulent Times

A United Airlines passenger was badly hurt from what looks like rocky turbulence on a flight yesterday.

What makes this turbulence unique was that the plane was stationary. In civilian lingo, that means on the ground and not flying. United declared this to be the first incident of non-motion turbulence, except for the passenger that was tossed around.

In the United flight manual, it's called We're-Still-On-The-Ground-And-Want-To-Get-Going-You-Fucking-Customers Turbulence. It usually affects only those customers who insist on getting the seat they paid for, and who seem to have difficulty cooperating with staff.

"It's a very targeted turbulence", said United. "That's why, in an emergency like being refused a seat that you deserve, you should listen carefully to all crew instructions." Good advice, indeed!

Asked how it is possibly that a passenger can be tossed about while the plane is motionless, United answered, "Don't worry. After we beat you up, the oxygen mask should drop from the ceiling."

Helloooo Newman interviewed the passenger:

Bloodied passenger: I was really shocked when they told me this was a rare form of turbulence. Nothing special ever happens to me. I hadn't even picked my movie yet. At first I thought the flight attendant had spilled a ton of peanut bags on me. Or maybe sauce from my knuckle sandwich had spilled on me. I'm just glad those nice gentlemen dragged me to safety.

The United crew were honoured by its CEO for staying calm during an emergency customer beating.

Helloooo Newman: Intellectsity

Helloooo Newman: Intellectsity: Obesity, the act of being overfed , is no longer the number one societal scourge. In the Trumpited States of Amarica, a new and danger...

Intellectsity

Obesity, the act of being overfed, is no longer the number one societal scourge.

In the Trumpited States of Amarica, a new and dangerous phenomenon has taken hold.

More and more people are…overread.

Being overread means that you have been reading way too much stuff. Junky stuff like novels, articles, political analysis, science, history etc – information that can help you live a more useful life, or discover something real about the world.

Similar to shoving cinnabon after cinnabon down your piehole leading to obesity, pouring information down your brainhole leads to Intellectsity. You are grossly overknowledgable.

With this disease, and it is a disease, your head expands and becomes so heavy, you drag it across the ground.

Your hat size becomes XXXXXX large. You look gross in glasses. People will stare at you on the beach as you wantonly stuff your brain with more knowledge. On an airplane, your head oozes over into your neighbours seat.

You have to buy a new house because you are just too smart for the rooms.

In its worst form, this disease leads to infobetes, and your body can no longer process factual knowledge properly. You go into shock every time someone discusses a serious issue, and you need to listen to talk radio to normalize your IQ level.

If you are overread, please stop. It's killing you.

Stop reading this blog!

Helloooo Newman: Follow Me

Helloooo Newman: Follow Me: Someday I hope to follow in my own footsteps.

Follow Me

Someday I hope to follow in my own footsteps.

Helloooo Newman: The Cola Wars

Helloooo Newman: The Cola Wars: Oops. Today I didn't have time to sell more Pepsi…by protesting…about a tv commercial…for Pepsi…showing a protest…selling more Pe...

The Cola Wars

Oops. Today I didn't have time to sell more Pepsi…by protesting…about a tv commercial…for Pepsi…showing a protest…selling more Pepsi.

Helloooo Newman: Name That Brain

Helloooo Newman: Name That Brain: As a kid, I was told my brain was a sponge. "Sure, math is hard, but your sponge will soak it up." Except living sponges hav...

Name That Brain

As a kid, I was told my brain was a sponge. "Sure, math is hard, but your sponge will soak it up."

Except living sponges have no brain whatsoever. Not a neuron in sight.

As I got older, my brain somehow became a noodle. "I guess we weren't using our noodle today, eh Mr. Hardie?", remarked my teacher.

Well, no. It's been boiling in water for 7 minutes.

At work I was told to put my thinking cap on. Is this cap made of wool? I keep scratching my head.

Now my brain is a piece of plastic. The plastic brain can be changed. Doesn't plastic melt near high heat? I think my plastic is recycled.

Why the cutesy names for the most important organ in the universe? It reminds me of the names my mom gave the vegetables she was trying to get me to swallow.

"Open the tunnel, the broccoli train is coming." Oops, derailment on my face.

Most of the time I don't believe my brain even exists. You can't tell from my behaviour. But, if I had to give it a name, I would go with:

Nerf Ball: When it's under pressure, it gets very small and stressed out. When it relaxes, it expands greatly. It's a fun toy and not much else.

Tootsie Pop: The more I lick it (use it), the smaller it gets, until all that's left is a gross misshapen brown sticky blob.

Humans examining the brain is really the brain examining the brain, since we are our brains. If you don't believe this, then why do small changes in the brain lead to huge changes in what it means to be human – personality, memory, perception, character, moral judgement etc.

The brain is not an unbiased observer. It thinks the world of itself. "The human brain is a wonderful organ", said Robert Frost, or rather, his brain said it. Self-flattery gets the brain everywhere.

I think people like to disassociate "themselves" (we sometimes call it the soul), from their "brain" for two reasons:

– It removes us from responsibility. My brain ate the entire bag of Skittles, not me.

– Humans, as self-important as we are, can't accept that our entire essence comes down to a lump of flesh.

There's a test for this. Hit yourself hard on the head over and over again with a hammer. Study the results.

Helloooo Newman: No Time for Minute Rice

Helloooo Newman: No Time for Minute Rice: When are they gonna come out with second rice, for busy people like me?

No Time for Minute Rice

When are they gonna come out with second rice, for busy people like me?

Helloooo Newman: Medium Talk

Helloooo Newman: Medium Talk: I've always been insanely jealous of people who excel at small talk. The times I've tried it, I've put even very strong coff...

Medium Talk

I've always been insanely jealous of people who excel at small talk. The times I've tried it, I've put even very strong coffee to sleep.

And I've never been smart or mature enough to handle "large talk". That's heady talk – intellectual, cerebral, informed, serious.

Large talk includes language like, "Do you think Bell's Theorem of indeterminate quantum states supports a holographic view of the universe?" I hope to God the person gets distracted because I have no idea what any of that means. I memorized it.

So I'm developing a new kind of talk – Medium Talk.

Medium talk is the perfect blend of small and large talk. Like a nicely blended scotch, or producing the perfectly balanced child with a blend of tough genes (Betty White) and the more delicate variety (Vin Diesel).

Medium talk is just right for every occasion: weddings or funerals; birthdays or autopsies; every kind of party you will ever attend. Medium talk sits on the tip of your tongue, ready to impress at any time.

Small talk scene: On vacation, in an elevator with one other person
You: "Stubbed my baby toe on the bed. Now it looks like one of those gross black licorices you get in your halloween bag."

This talk is too small. You're talking about yourself, and no one cares about your toe.

Medium talk scene: On vacation, in an elevator with one other person
You: "Do you ever get travellers' diarrhea?"

Much better. You're showing curiosity about the other person, it's topical for vacations, and it can really impact a person's day.

See what I mean? Medium talk is perfect. That's because a medium life is perfect.

How do you like you steak? Medium-rare. What sized shirt do you wear? Medium. How are you built? Medium build.

Make medium talk your talk.

Helloooo Newman: Competitive Napping

Helloooo Newman: Competitive Napping: I've never been a hugely competitive guy, although I can hold my own in a cutthroat game of Jenga or Twister. Twister, by the way,...

Competitive Napping

I've never been a hugely competitive guy, although I can hold my own in a cutthroat game of Jenga or Twister.

Twister, by the way, is the human version of Jenga but in reverse. You add human beings together until he whole thing collapses.

Another term for adding people together until everything collapses? Civilization.

Competitive napping is where I really excel. My true talents shine, but not bright enough to wake me up. Or so I've been told. I'm always asleep while I'm napping competitively so I'm never really sure. I take the word of my napping coach.

I have a secret edge in napping, you see, and today I'm prepared to reveal it.

While I am napping, I dream. I dream that I am napping. So I'm double napping. Or Sleeming – sleeping and dreaming that I'm sleeping.

It's very difficult to wake me up in this state. In fact, you would have to wake me up in my dream before my actual real body would wake up. Only I can do that.

At one napping contest a judge tried to wake me and, unbeknownst to me, I ripped his cheek muscles right off his face. The judge dropped all charges because I was double asleep and could not form any intent.

I wake myself up by setting an alarm in my dream nap. I'm a little groggy at first, but soon I'm chipper and I can get around to waking my actual self up.

Sometimes the alarm in my dream nap fails to go off and I miss important appointments.

If you want to challenge me to a nap, I'll take you on any day – anywhere.

Helloooo Newman: Cowabunga, Dude!

Helloooo Newman: Cowabunga, Dude!: Physicists say that the universe is not made of particles, it's made of waves. Party on!

Cowabunga, Dude!

Physicists say that the universe is not made of particles, it's made of waves.

Party on!