Helloooo Newman: Batteries Sold Separately

Helloooo Newman: Batteries Sold Separately: I finally got a Tesla. Wanted one for so long. Got a great deal from this guy. I was a little surprised that the battery was sold separate...

Batteries Sold Separately

I finally got a Tesla. Wanted one for so long. Got a great deal from this guy.

I was a little surprised that the battery was sold separately. I'm still looking for one. But great deal on the car.

Helloooo Newman: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem

Helloooo Newman: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem: Fuck Old Man Winter. Fuck him. Fuuuuuuck him slowly. Fck him fast. From him sdrawkcab. Fuck him forwards. On top. On bottom. ...

Greatest Hits: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem

Fuck Old Man Winter.

Fuck him.

Fuuuuuuck him slowly.

Fck him fst.

Fuck him sdrawkcab.

Fuck him forwards.

On top.

On bottom.

Fuck Old Man Winter.

Helloooo Newman: Four Eyes

Helloooo Newman: Four Eyes: No one calls a person wearing glasses "four eyes" anymore. That's a shame. I miss it. Is it really an insult? I mean, you&#3...

Four Eyes

No one calls a person wearing glasses "four eyes" anymore. That's a shame. I miss it.

Is it really an insult? I mean, you're half way to being able to see like a spider. That's pretty amazing.

Come to think of it, why doesn't Spider-man have eight eyes? I guess Stan Lee overlooked that. Due to only having two eyes.

Helloooo Newman: Too Human

Helloooo Newman: Too Human: Scientists have developed an AI program that is so human, they are afraid to release it. That's remarkable. Not even God can make t...

Too Human

Scientists have developed an AI program that is so human, they are afraid to release it.

That's remarkable. Not even God can make that claim. I mean, look at some of the not-quite-human people He's developed, like Stephen Miller. This guy's half a chromosome away from being the banjo player in a Deliverance remake, am I right?

Helloooo Newman: Utensils

Helloooo Newman: Utensils: I've never eaten salad with a comb, but I have eaten spaghetti with a toilet brush.

Utensils

I've never eaten salad with a comb, but I once ate spaghetti with a toilet brush.

That's why I decided not to run for President. It would get out.

Helloooo Newman: Angry World

Helloooo Newman: Angry World: There's so much anger out there. Social media, driving, shopping for furniture. Everyone is fucking angry and it's pissing me off....

Angry World

There's so much anger out there.

Social media, driving, shopping for furniture. Everyone is fucking angry and it's pissing me off.

Everyone just get a grip or I'll punch you in the jaw. Don't you realize how lucky you are? How horrible life has been for humans during the 9 million years proceeding your existence? And how wonderful it is now?

You have zero reasons to be angry so smarten the fuck up.

Smile once in a while. Be nice. Be patient.

Fuck. It's annoying!

Helloooo Newman: Cubicles

Helloooo Newman: Cubicles: One of the worst aspects of working in a corporate environment is being relegated to the slums, also known as the cubicle. Being in a maze...

Cubicles

One of the worst aspects of working in a corporate environment is being relegated to the slums, also known as the cubicle.

Being in a maze of cubicles always made me feel like I was a letter in a giant crossword puzzle. I was "L" for loser.

Or maybe I was a pill in one of those multi-box pill containers that old people have when they take 37 types of medicine to keep their diseased heart beating. I always hoped I was cyanide, and I could end things quickly at any moment. Like when some idiot would pretend to knock on my cubicle wall, which was really a giant cushion. "Oh, just come in for fuck's sake. It's obvious I don't have a door. Or a roof over my head. I'm poor corporate folk."

Every once in a while I would poke my head up, like a scuba diver who needs to refill his tank. Oops, rose too quickly. I have the corporate bends.

Guess I'll just sit here and eavesdrop. Or get a life.

I did!

Helloooo Newman: Believing in God

Helloooo Newman: Believing in God: I'm not sure if God exists. I'll wait until I die to decide. I'm die-agnostic.

Believing in God

I'm not sure if God exists. I'll wait until I die to decide.

I'm die-agnostic.

Helloooo Newman: Texting Teens

Helloooo Newman: Texting Teens: I really wish my daughter would spend way less time on her cell except, of course, when I'm texting her to bring me a beer or heat up my...

Texting Teens

I really wish my daughter would spend way less time on her cell except, of course, when I'm texting her to bring me a beer or heat me up some leftovers.

Helloooo Newman: Improve Your Memory

Helloooo Newman: Improve Your Memory: An important new study has come out. I'm excited about this one. Currently, I employ the results of about 12,354 studies to run my dai...

Improve Your Memory

An important new study has come out.

I'm excited about this one. Currently, I employ the results of about 12,354 studies to run my daily life in a healthier, more life-affirming way.

This leaves me little time for the other annoyances of living - relaxing, enjoying myself, zoning out etc.

This new study found that taking a walk in nature can improve your memory by 20%. If you run, your memory improve by 35%. And if you run from a man-eating lion, it improves by a whopping 1200%. You remember things that didn't even happen. This comes in handy if you're suing someone for harassment.

The study also concluded that walking from a man-eating lion is very bad for your memory.

Here is the link. Don't forget to read it.

https://www.businessinsider.com/why-spending-more-time-outside-is-healthy-2017-7

Helloooo Newman: Neighbourly Advice

Helloooo Newman: Neighbourly Advice: Here's a good way to meet your neighbours. Instead of using ice-melting salt on your stairs, try Himalayan pink salt. People will come...

Neighbourly Advice

Here's a good way to meet your neighbours.

Instead of using ice-melting salt on your stairs, try Himalayan pink salt. People will come from everywhere, wondering "what's cooking?"

Helloooo Newman: Valentines Day

Helloooo Newman: Valentines Day: It's a shame that the mainstream media feels a need to bloviate about the scourge that is Valentine's Day. I'm not talking abo...

Valentines Day

It's a shame that the mainstream media feels a need to bloviate about the scourge that is Valentine's Day.

I'm not talking about commercials for V Day. I mean announcers, DJs, newscasters, talk show hosts, all with their pieholes agape extolling the guilt that goes along with not spending $200 on roses or chocolate on this one very special day.

Because you only get this one very special day to tell someone you love them and really mean it.

What the hell was Christmas for? Your birthday? Our anniversary? Mother's Day? Father's Day? Last night, when I dressed up as Cornelius from Planet of the Apes and you played Nova, the girl that could only moan.

By the way, I still looooooove receiving roses and chocolate.

Hello?

Anyone?

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: IQ

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: IQ: Helloooo Newman: IQ : I'm at the age now where reading elevator buttons is an IQ test for me. It's hard entering an elevator and q...

Helloooo Newman: IQ

Helloooo Newman: IQ: I'm at the age now where reading elevator buttons is an IQ test for me. It's hard entering an elevator and quickly assessing which...

IQ

I'm at the age now where reading elevator buttons is an IQ test for me.

It's hard entering an elevator and quickly assessing which button closes the elevator doors and which one opens them. Those little triangles can be confusing for an old guy like me. Might as well be ancient Sumerian symbols – hey look, according to these strange buttons, aliens visited this elevator and installed really gross carpeting, wall-to-wall mirrors and an odour of urinal pucks.

Yesterday I crushed three old ladies, two dogs and a Fedex package from Tiffany's marked "Fragile, Irreplaceable and Expensive".

I rode the elevator to the basement and hid.

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living: Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living : Why do cemeteries have closing hours? Why not stay open 24-Seven? Do the dead mind being viewed at 3...

Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living

Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living: Why do cemeteries have closing hours? Why not stay open 24-Seven? Do the dead mind being viewed at 3:00 a.m.? I've seen a lot of dead ...

Closed to the Living

Why do cemeteries have closing hours? Why not stay open 24-Seven? Do the dead mind being viewed at 3:00 a.m.?

I've seen a lot of dead people working and shopping in 7-Eleven and it's open all night.

There's nothing like a Big Gulp and a nuked wiener that says you're in Heaven, am I right?

Helloooo Newman: Waking Up Dead

Helloooo Newman: Waking Up Dead: I saw this guy being interviewed about getting stuck in an avalanche out West. At one point he says, "I woke up and thought I was dead....

Waking Up Dead

I saw this guy being interviewed about getting stuck in an avalanche out West. At one point he says, "I woke up and thought I was dead."

That happened to me once when I was staying at a Motel 6 on my way to New York City. I woke up and saw the breakfast and thought, that's it, I'm toast. I think that was toast. Didn't look or smell like toast so it probably wasn't. I ate it because the Virgin Mary's face was on one of the slices.

Is that how it really works? Death, I mean. If I can think I'm dead, how can I be dead? In that case, what's the difference between being alive and dead?

I would need more proof. Like my jeans won't stay up no matter how tight my belt is, I smell really bad and the government tells me I don't owe any more taxes.

My life insurance broker once told me of a story about his near life experience. He was never the same after that. He swore never to enjoy life again. Sold more insurance than ever.

Helloooo Newman: Patient Disaster

Helloooo Newman: Patient Disaster: I don't get what the problem is with a disaster waiting to happen . If some horrible event that will kill hundreds of thousands of peo...

Patient Disaster

I don't get what the problem is with a disaster waiting to happen.

If some horrible event that will kill hundreds of thousands of people has the patience to wait around doing nothing, isn't that a good thing?

Tsunami: Hey, isn't this the day you were going to erupt again and hopefully kill millions of people?

Mount Vesuvius: Nah, I decided to wait. I'm gettin' old, you know. Erupting isn't as easy as it use to be. Maybe next year.

Let's hope more disasters can learn this kind of patience.

Helloooo Newman: Emoji Consultant

Helloooo Newman: Emoji Consultant: I got some disappointing news from a friend last week. He had a tough breakup with his girlfriend. The really sad part is he's 56, di...

Emoji Consultant

I got some disappointing news from a friend last week.

He had a tough breakup with his girlfriend. The really sad part is he's 56, divorced, and his ex is 26.

On top of that, his new puppy died of a rare infection of the hock.

Tough day all around.

I really struggled with how to respond to this. What do I say and, more importantly, what emoji do I use to express my concern?

It seemed like any emoji I picked was simply mocking him. The sad face emoji was belittling. Do I go with the one-tear emoji or two-tear? Maybe the pained expression? If I express too much sorrow, I might be encouraging him to go find another girlfriend that only has her G1, but I also want him to know how sad the puppy thing is and he should give it another shot.

This is when I realized I need an emoji consultant. We all do.

Emoji consultants are a rare breed, and the demand for them is increasing exponentially.

"There's a real shortage of qualified emoji consultant's", reflects Dan, one of the first truly gifted and educated emoji consultants.

He continued.

"Matching the right emoji to the right life situation is a very personal decision. It's like picking the right piece of music for grandma's funeral or a proctologist (gynecologist too) that makes you feel comfortable."

"Society can't make the proper emojis fast enough. People are left on their own to come up with the proper words for some very tough situations. It's a real burden on them."

"You know, we always focus on emotional health, physical health, but no one pays attention to a person's emojinal health. It's a real emojincy."

Dan is working on a few of his own customized emojis for his clients. The Hung Out to Dry emoji is for people who are fired after years of service to their almighty corporation. Dan will emojify your boss's face and add either a rope around the neck or a knife to the chest. You can add a blood spatter if you really got burned, like not getting a severance. Apparently employees of Sears love this option.

I'm considering hiring Dan for my friend's situation, although it's a bit pricey. I was thinking of some kind of soother image, which symbolizes his girlfriend and denotes a happy, baby-like state.

Dan looks forward to the day when emoji consultants are covered under medical benefits.


PS: I couldn't find the perfect emoji to go with this blog. See what I mean?

Helloooo Newman: Follow the Leader

Helloooo Newman: Follow the Leader: It's so weird, this thing in Venezuela. The same situation's been going on in my house for years. Two leaders who both think the...

Follow the Leader

It's so weird, this thing in Venezuela.

The same situation's been going on in my house for years.

Two leaders who both think they're in charge.

Me…

and my daughter.

I control the monetary system.

She controls a cadre of authorateenians.

I'm trying to build a coalition of neighbours who will recognize my legitimacy.

Save democracy.

One man, one vote.

I'm the man.

I get the vote.

I'm in charge.

Helloooo Newman: The Ghost of Gustav Holst

Helloooo Newman: The Ghost of Gustav Holst: Helloooo Newman is interviewing the ghost of Gustav Holst. The Goost, as he likes to be called, composed The Planets in 1916. The Planets...

The Ghost of Gustav Holst

Helloooo Newman is interviewing the ghost of Gustav Holst.

The Goost, as he likes to be called, composed The Planets in 1916. The Planets is one the most famous and recognizable musical pieces every written.

HN: Mr. Goost, thank for taking the time out of your busy cathedral-haunting schedule to speak with HN.

Goost: I'd like to say it's my pleasure but, you know, I'm dead.

HN: What was your inspiration for writing The Planets.

Goost: Um, the planets were. That's why it's called The Planets. Seven planets, seven pieces.

HN: Very interesting.

Goost: Are we done here?

HN: You must be so glad you wrote The Planets in 1916 and not today.

Goost: Wada you mean?

HN: Well, as of 2019 astronomers have discovered 3,706 planets with our modern observatories and satellites. That's 3,706 pieces you would have to write. That's a lot of notes, eh?

Goost: Are you vaping mustard gas? No fucking way I'm writing 3,706 pieces. When's my downtime? I'll need way more money. A man's gotta eat. Does my agent know about this?

HN: Hey, did you see Amadeus? Awesome movie, eh? "Too many notes" – so funny.

Goost: I see why no one reads your blog.

Helloooo Newman: Climate Change and the Cher Solution

Helloooo Newman: Climate Change and the Cher Solution: Cher at 310 years old Scientists looking for solutions to the perils of climate change have stumbled upon a remarkable strategy to save...

Climate Change and the Cher Solution

Cher at 310 years old

Scientists looking for solutions to the perils of climate change have stumbled upon a remarkable strategy to save Mother Earth.

Since the climate is changing so quickly, scientists reason, we need a way to stop, or slow down, this change.

One night, while eating an emissions-free dinner of lentil soup, lentil salad, lentil steak, lentil wine and lentil ice cream, leading scientist E. Missions loaded his favourite Cher song on iTunes. That's when it struck him.

What hasn't changed in centuries? Cher's face!

What's on her skin? How do her cheeks, her smile, stay frozen in time?

Mr. Missions plans to study what combination of oils, soaps, masks, facials, peels, scrapes, extracts, muds, creams, lotions, fruits and vegetables Cher uses, and cover the Earth with these magnificent ingredients.

Mr. Missions has no delusions. He knows it will be tough to cover the entire Earth with this planet-saving recipe, especially when people could slip on a cream or peel and injure their tailbone.

"If a face can stop changing, so can a climate."

Helloooo Newman: Toupee Touché

Helloooo Newman: Toupee Touché: There's no desperation quite like the desperation of a man wearing a toupee. Essentially he's saying, "Ha, the entire human r...

Toupee Touché

There's no desperation quite like the desperation of a man wearing a toupee.

Essentially he's saying, "Ha, the entire human race ages, but me."

Wait a minute, it's worse than that. "My entire body is aging. I have double D breasts, jowls that look like two hammocks on my cheeks, an entire set of luggage under my eyes, chicken legs, crocodile skin. But my hair is as thick and black as the oil wells of Saudi Arabia. Must be a miracle."

What kind of mental Cirque de Soleil gymnastics takes place in this man's mind that he is convinced no one notices.

Come on. You might as well have a penis sewn onto your forehead.

"Hey Bob, do you notice this penis on my forehead?"

"Hmmm a penis, you say? Not at all."

"When I die at 89, I'd like a black coffin, to match my thick black hair."

Just grow old, will ya?

Helloooo Newman: Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Helloooo Newman: Between a Rock and a Hard Place: I've never understood the phrase "between a rock and a hard place" . How hard is this hard place? Is it harder than the rock...

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I've never understood the phrase "between a rock and a hard place".

How hard is this hard place? Is it harder than the rock? Rocks are pretty hard, and it would be enough of a drag just to be stuck between two huge rocks.

But no. The hard place must be harder than the rock, or why mention it?

"Hey, I'd like to help you but I'm between a rock and and this huge diamond, which is much harder than the rock. Way bigger than the diamond I bought my wife, which is fake, by the way. That's why I'm calling it a hard place. Much harder compared to the rock. To be clear, I'm not stuck between two rocks, which are pretty hard, but between a rock and something much, much harder."

You never hear about how people extricate themselves from this difficult spot, which they are stuck in. I imagine some people have had to saw a limb off to get free. I think these "survivors" deserve a saying of their own.

"Hey, I'm not just going out on a limb for you, I've cut a limb off for you. You're welcome."

Helloooo Newman: Great Balls of Fire

Helloooo Newman: Great Balls of Fire: Listen to them clang. On fire! Isn't it rather great that the only person who has the balls to take on Trump doesn't have any ...

Great Balls of Fire

Listen to them clang. On fire!

Isn't it rather great that the only person who has the balls to take on Trump doesn't have any balls?

It's obvs that Nancy deserves some honorary balls.

The Academy of Scrotum Awards: Come to the Ball.

And the scrotum goes to…Nancy Pelosi, for acting as if she has balls.

"Nancy, how did you prepare for this role?"

"Well, I knew the part required some balls. At first, I was going to borrow some from my male colleagues in Washington. Unfortunately, all their balls were suspended in vice grips at home. I guess they're saving them for some point in the future, but they're sure not willing to use them when they're really needed. You know, I always thought Democratic balls were stronger than GOP balls. Nope. They're just a little warmer to the touch."

"So I grew a pair and decided to stand up like a…um…man?"

"Oh, I ate a lot of pasta too, but didn't gain any weight."

"I'd like to thank…"

Helloooo Newman: Walking Along Weed Street

Helloooo Newman: Walking Along Weed Street: How much weed must you be smoking if I'm walking by your house, on the other side of the street, and by the end of the street I'm re...

Walking Along Weed Street

How much weed must you be smoking if I'm walking by your house, on the other side of the street, and by the end of the street I'm ready to audition for a Cheech and Chong movie?

What, did they role a mattress joint with a bud in every individually pocketed coil?