HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Wednesday 27 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Batteries Sold Separately
Helloooo Newman: Batteries Sold Separately: I finally got a Tesla. Wanted one for so long. Got a great deal from this guy. I was a little surprised that the battery was sold separate...
Batteries Sold Separately
I finally got a Tesla. Wanted one for so long. Got a great deal from this guy.
I was a little surprised that the battery was sold separately. I'm still looking for one. But great deal on the car.
I was a little surprised that the battery was sold separately. I'm still looking for one. But great deal on the car.
Helloooo Newman: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem
Helloooo Newman: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem: Fuck Old Man Winter. Fuck him. Fuuuuuuck him slowly. Fck him fast. From him sdrawkcab. Fuck him forwards. On top. On bottom. ...
Greatest Hits: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem
Fuck Old Man Winter.
Fuck him.
Fuuuuuuck him slowly.
Fck him fst.
Fuck him sdrawkcab.
Fuck him forwards.
On top.
On bottom.
Fuck Old Man Winter.
Fuck him.
Fuuuuuuck him slowly.
Fck him fst.
Fuck him sdrawkcab.
Fuck him forwards.
On top.
On bottom.
Fuck Old Man Winter.
Tuesday 26 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Four Eyes
Helloooo Newman: Four Eyes: No one calls a person wearing glasses "four eyes" anymore. That's a shame. I miss it. Is it really an insult? I mean, you...
Four Eyes
No one calls a person wearing glasses "four eyes" anymore. That's a shame. I miss it.
Is it really an insult? I mean, you're half way to being able to see like a spider. That's pretty amazing.
Come to think of it, why doesn't Spider-man have eight eyes? I guess Stan Lee overlooked that. Due to only having two eyes.
Is it really an insult? I mean, you're half way to being able to see like a spider. That's pretty amazing.
Come to think of it, why doesn't Spider-man have eight eyes? I guess Stan Lee overlooked that. Due to only having two eyes.
Helloooo Newman: Too Human
Helloooo Newman: Too Human: Scientists have developed an AI program that is so human, they are afraid to release it. That's remarkable. Not even God can make t...
Too Human
Scientists have developed an AI program that is so human, they are afraid to release it.
That's remarkable. Not even God can make that claim. I mean, look at some of the not-quite-human people He's developed, like Stephen Miller. This guy's half a chromosome away from being the banjo player in a Deliverance remake, am I right?
Saturday 23 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Utensils
Helloooo Newman: Utensils: I've never eaten salad with a comb, but I have eaten spaghetti with a toilet brush.
Utensils
I've never eaten salad with a comb, but I once ate spaghetti with a toilet brush.
That's why I decided not to run for President. It would get out.
Helloooo Newman: Angry World
Helloooo Newman: Angry World: There's so much anger out there. Social media, driving, shopping for furniture. Everyone is fucking angry and it's pissing me off....
Angry World
There's so much anger out there.
Social media, driving, shopping for furniture. Everyone is fucking angry and it's pissing me off.
Everyone just get a grip or I'll punch you in the jaw. Don't you realize how lucky you are? How horrible life has been for humans during the 9 million years proceeding your existence? And how wonderful it is now?
You have zero reasons to be angry so smarten the fuck up.
Smile once in a while. Be nice. Be patient.
Fuck. It's annoying!
Social media, driving, shopping for furniture. Everyone is fucking angry and it's pissing me off.
Everyone just get a grip or I'll punch you in the jaw. Don't you realize how lucky you are? How horrible life has been for humans during the 9 million years proceeding your existence? And how wonderful it is now?
You have zero reasons to be angry so smarten the fuck up.
Smile once in a while. Be nice. Be patient.
Fuck. It's annoying!
Thursday 21 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Cubicles
Helloooo Newman: Cubicles: One of the worst aspects of working in a corporate environment is being relegated to the slums, also known as the cubicle. Being in a maze...
Cubicles
One of the worst aspects of working in a corporate environment is being relegated to the slums, also known as the cubicle.
Being in a maze of cubicles always made me feel like I was a letter in a giant crossword puzzle. I was "L" for loser.
Or maybe I was a pill in one of those multi-box pill containers that old people have when they take 37 types of medicine to keep their diseased heart beating. I always hoped I was cyanide, and I could end things quickly at any moment. Like when some idiot would pretend to knock on my cubicle wall, which was really a giant cushion. "Oh, just come in for fuck's sake. It's obvious I don't have a door. Or a roof over my head. I'm poor corporate folk."
Every once in a while I would poke my head up, like a scuba diver who needs to refill his tank. Oops, rose too quickly. I have the corporate bends.
Guess I'll just sit here and eavesdrop. Or get a life.
I did!
Being in a maze of cubicles always made me feel like I was a letter in a giant crossword puzzle. I was "L" for loser.
Or maybe I was a pill in one of those multi-box pill containers that old people have when they take 37 types of medicine to keep their diseased heart beating. I always hoped I was cyanide, and I could end things quickly at any moment. Like when some idiot would pretend to knock on my cubicle wall, which was really a giant cushion. "Oh, just come in for fuck's sake. It's obvious I don't have a door. Or a roof over my head. I'm poor corporate folk."
Every once in a while I would poke my head up, like a scuba diver who needs to refill his tank. Oops, rose too quickly. I have the corporate bends.
Guess I'll just sit here and eavesdrop. Or get a life.
I did!
Helloooo Newman: Believing in God
Helloooo Newman: Believing in God: I'm not sure if God exists. I'll wait until I die to decide. I'm die-agnostic.
Wednesday 20 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Texting Teens
Helloooo Newman: Texting Teens: I really wish my daughter would spend way less time on her cell except, of course, when I'm texting her to bring me a beer or heat up my...
Texting Teens
I really wish my daughter would spend way less time on her cell except, of course, when I'm texting her to bring me a beer or heat me up some leftovers.
Saturday 16 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Improve Your Memory
Helloooo Newman: Improve Your Memory: An important new study has come out. I'm excited about this one. Currently, I employ the results of about 12,354 studies to run my dai...
Improve Your Memory
An important new study has come out.
I'm excited about this one. Currently, I employ the results of about 12,354 studies to run my daily life in a healthier, more life-affirming way.
This leaves me little time for the other annoyances of living - relaxing, enjoying myself, zoning out etc.
This new study found that taking a walk in nature can improve your memory by 20%. If you run, your memory improve by 35%. And if you run from a man-eating lion, it improves by a whopping 1200%. You remember things that didn't even happen. This comes in handy if you're suing someone for harassment.
The study also concluded that walking from a man-eating lion is very bad for your memory.
Here is the link. Don't forget to read it.
https://www.businessinsider.com/why-spending-more-time-outside-is-healthy-2017-7
I'm excited about this one. Currently, I employ the results of about 12,354 studies to run my daily life in a healthier, more life-affirming way.
This leaves me little time for the other annoyances of living - relaxing, enjoying myself, zoning out etc.
This new study found that taking a walk in nature can improve your memory by 20%. If you run, your memory improve by 35%. And if you run from a man-eating lion, it improves by a whopping 1200%. You remember things that didn't even happen. This comes in handy if you're suing someone for harassment.
The study also concluded that walking from a man-eating lion is very bad for your memory.
Here is the link. Don't forget to read it.
https://www.businessinsider.com/why-spending-more-time-outside-is-healthy-2017-7
Helloooo Newman: Neighbourly Advice
Helloooo Newman: Neighbourly Advice: Here's a good way to meet your neighbours. Instead of using ice-melting salt on your stairs, try Himalayan pink salt. People will come...
Neighbourly Advice
Here's a good way to meet your neighbours.
Instead of using ice-melting salt on your stairs, try Himalayan pink salt. People will come from everywhere, wondering "what's cooking?"
Instead of using ice-melting salt on your stairs, try Himalayan pink salt. People will come from everywhere, wondering "what's cooking?"
Friday 15 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Valentines Day
Helloooo Newman: Valentines Day: It's a shame that the mainstream media feels a need to bloviate about the scourge that is Valentine's Day. I'm not talking abo...
Valentines Day
It's a shame that the mainstream media feels a need to bloviate about the scourge that is Valentine's Day.
I'm not talking about commercials for V Day. I mean announcers, DJs, newscasters, talk show hosts, all with their pieholes agape extolling the guilt that goes along with not spending $200 on roses or chocolate on this one very special day.
Because you only get this one very special day to tell someone you love them and really mean it.
What the hell was Christmas for? Your birthday? Our anniversary? Mother's Day? Father's Day? Last night, when I dressed up as Cornelius from Planet of the Apes and you played Nova, the girl that could only moan.
By the way, I still looooooove receiving roses and chocolate.
Hello?
Anyone?
I'm not talking about commercials for V Day. I mean announcers, DJs, newscasters, talk show hosts, all with their pieholes agape extolling the guilt that goes along with not spending $200 on roses or chocolate on this one very special day.
Because you only get this one very special day to tell someone you love them and really mean it.
What the hell was Christmas for? Your birthday? Our anniversary? Mother's Day? Father's Day? Last night, when I dressed up as Cornelius from Planet of the Apes and you played Nova, the girl that could only moan.
By the way, I still looooooove receiving roses and chocolate.
Hello?
Anyone?
Wednesday 13 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: IQ
Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: IQ: Helloooo Newman: IQ : I'm at the age now where reading elevator buttons is an IQ test for me. It's hard entering an elevator and q...
Helloooo Newman: IQ
Helloooo Newman: IQ: I'm at the age now where reading elevator buttons is an IQ test for me. It's hard entering an elevator and quickly assessing which...
IQ
I'm at the age now where reading elevator buttons is an IQ test for me.
It's hard entering an elevator and quickly assessing which button closes the elevator doors and which one opens them. Those little triangles can be confusing for an old guy like me. Might as well be ancient Sumerian symbols – hey look, according to these strange buttons, aliens visited this elevator and installed really gross carpeting, wall-to-wall mirrors and an odour of urinal pucks.
Yesterday I crushed three old ladies, two dogs and a Fedex package from Tiffany's marked "Fragile, Irreplaceable and Expensive".
I rode the elevator to the basement and hid.
It's hard entering an elevator and quickly assessing which button closes the elevator doors and which one opens them. Those little triangles can be confusing for an old guy like me. Might as well be ancient Sumerian symbols – hey look, according to these strange buttons, aliens visited this elevator and installed really gross carpeting, wall-to-wall mirrors and an odour of urinal pucks.
Yesterday I crushed three old ladies, two dogs and a Fedex package from Tiffany's marked "Fragile, Irreplaceable and Expensive".
I rode the elevator to the basement and hid.
Monday 11 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living
Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living: Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living : Why do cemeteries have closing hours? Why not stay open 24-Seven? Do the dead mind being viewed at 3...
Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living
Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living: Why do cemeteries have closing hours? Why not stay open 24-Seven? Do the dead mind being viewed at 3:00 a.m.? I've seen a lot of dead ...
Closed to the Living
Why do cemeteries have closing hours? Why not stay open 24-Seven? Do the dead mind being viewed at 3:00 a.m.?
I've seen a lot of dead people working and shopping in 7-Eleven and it's open all night.
There's nothing like a Big Gulp and a nuked wiener that says you're in Heaven, am I right?
I've seen a lot of dead people working and shopping in 7-Eleven and it's open all night.
There's nothing like a Big Gulp and a nuked wiener that says you're in Heaven, am I right?
Saturday 9 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Waking Up Dead
Helloooo Newman: Waking Up Dead: I saw this guy being interviewed about getting stuck in an avalanche out West. At one point he says, "I woke up and thought I was dead....
Waking Up Dead
I saw this guy being interviewed about getting stuck in an avalanche out West. At one point he says, "I woke up and thought I was dead."
That happened to me once when I was staying at a Motel 6 on my way to New York City. I woke up and saw the breakfast and thought, that's it, I'm toast. I think that was toast. Didn't look or smell like toast so it probably wasn't. I ate it because the Virgin Mary's face was on one of the slices.
Is that how it really works? Death, I mean. If I can think I'm dead, how can I be dead? In that case, what's the difference between being alive and dead?
I would need more proof. Like my jeans won't stay up no matter how tight my belt is, I smell really bad and the government tells me I don't owe any more taxes.
My life insurance broker once told me of a story about his near life experience. He was never the same after that. He swore never to enjoy life again. Sold more insurance than ever.
That happened to me once when I was staying at a Motel 6 on my way to New York City. I woke up and saw the breakfast and thought, that's it, I'm toast. I think that was toast. Didn't look or smell like toast so it probably wasn't. I ate it because the Virgin Mary's face was on one of the slices.
Is that how it really works? Death, I mean. If I can think I'm dead, how can I be dead? In that case, what's the difference between being alive and dead?
I would need more proof. Like my jeans won't stay up no matter how tight my belt is, I smell really bad and the government tells me I don't owe any more taxes.
My life insurance broker once told me of a story about his near life experience. He was never the same after that. He swore never to enjoy life again. Sold more insurance than ever.
Sunday 3 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Patient Disaster
Helloooo Newman: Patient Disaster: I don't get what the problem is with a disaster waiting to happen . If some horrible event that will kill hundreds of thousands of peo...
Patient Disaster
I don't get what the problem is with a disaster waiting to happen.
If some horrible event that will kill hundreds of thousands of people has the patience to wait around doing nothing, isn't that a good thing?
Tsunami: Hey, isn't this the day you were going to erupt again and hopefully kill millions of people?
Mount Vesuvius: Nah, I decided to wait. I'm gettin' old, you know. Erupting isn't as easy as it use to be. Maybe next year.
Let's hope more disasters can learn this kind of patience.
If some horrible event that will kill hundreds of thousands of people has the patience to wait around doing nothing, isn't that a good thing?
Tsunami: Hey, isn't this the day you were going to erupt again and hopefully kill millions of people?
Mount Vesuvius: Nah, I decided to wait. I'm gettin' old, you know. Erupting isn't as easy as it use to be. Maybe next year.
Let's hope more disasters can learn this kind of patience.
Friday 1 February 2019
Helloooo Newman: Emoji Consultant
Helloooo Newman: Emoji Consultant: I got some disappointing news from a friend last week. He had a tough breakup with his girlfriend. The really sad part is he's 56, di...
Emoji Consultant
I got some disappointing news from a friend last week.
He had a tough breakup with his girlfriend. The really sad part is he's 56, divorced, and his ex is 26.
On top of that, his new puppy died of a rare infection of the hock.
Tough day all around.
I really struggled with how to respond to this. What do I say and, more importantly, what emoji do I use to express my concern?
It seemed like any emoji I picked was simply mocking him. The sad face emoji was belittling. Do I go with the one-tear emoji or two-tear? Maybe the pained expression? If I express too much sorrow, I might be encouraging him to go find another girlfriend that only has her G1, but I also want him to know how sad the puppy thing is and he should give it another shot.
This is when I realized I need an emoji consultant. We all do.
Emoji consultants are a rare breed, and the demand for them is increasing exponentially.
"There's a real shortage of qualified emoji consultant's", reflects Dan, one of the first truly gifted and educated emoji consultants.
He continued.
"Matching the right emoji to the right life situation is a very personal decision. It's like picking the right piece of music for grandma's funeral or a proctologist (gynecologist too) that makes you feel comfortable."
"Society can't make the proper emojis fast enough. People are left on their own to come up with the proper words for some very tough situations. It's a real burden on them."
"You know, we always focus on emotional health, physical health, but no one pays attention to a person's emojinal health. It's a real emojincy."
Dan is working on a few of his own customized emojis for his clients. The Hung Out to Dry emoji is for people who are fired after years of service to their almighty corporation. Dan will emojify your boss's face and add either a rope around the neck or a knife to the chest. You can add a blood spatter if you really got burned, like not getting a severance. Apparently employees of Sears love this option.
I'm considering hiring Dan for my friend's situation, although it's a bit pricey. I was thinking of some kind of soother image, which symbolizes his girlfriend and denotes a happy, baby-like state.
Dan looks forward to the day when emoji consultants are covered under medical benefits.
PS: I couldn't find the perfect emoji to go with this blog. See what I mean?
He had a tough breakup with his girlfriend. The really sad part is he's 56, divorced, and his ex is 26.
On top of that, his new puppy died of a rare infection of the hock.
Tough day all around.
I really struggled with how to respond to this. What do I say and, more importantly, what emoji do I use to express my concern?
It seemed like any emoji I picked was simply mocking him. The sad face emoji was belittling. Do I go with the one-tear emoji or two-tear? Maybe the pained expression? If I express too much sorrow, I might be encouraging him to go find another girlfriend that only has her G1, but I also want him to know how sad the puppy thing is and he should give it another shot.
This is when I realized I need an emoji consultant. We all do.
Emoji consultants are a rare breed, and the demand for them is increasing exponentially.
"There's a real shortage of qualified emoji consultant's", reflects Dan, one of the first truly gifted and educated emoji consultants.
He continued.
"Matching the right emoji to the right life situation is a very personal decision. It's like picking the right piece of music for grandma's funeral or a proctologist (gynecologist too) that makes you feel comfortable."
"Society can't make the proper emojis fast enough. People are left on their own to come up with the proper words for some very tough situations. It's a real burden on them."
"You know, we always focus on emotional health, physical health, but no one pays attention to a person's emojinal health. It's a real emojincy."
Dan is working on a few of his own customized emojis for his clients. The Hung Out to Dry emoji is for people who are fired after years of service to their almighty corporation. Dan will emojify your boss's face and add either a rope around the neck or a knife to the chest. You can add a blood spatter if you really got burned, like not getting a severance. Apparently employees of Sears love this option.
I'm considering hiring Dan for my friend's situation, although it's a bit pricey. I was thinking of some kind of soother image, which symbolizes his girlfriend and denotes a happy, baby-like state.
Dan looks forward to the day when emoji consultants are covered under medical benefits.
PS: I couldn't find the perfect emoji to go with this blog. See what I mean?
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