Helloooo Newman: Phone Lines are Open

Helloooo Newman: Phone Lines are Open: Bad news, folks. Helloooo Newman's popularity is sinking. Fast. And we're wondering why. Think of our blog like it's a McDona...

Phone Lines are Open

Bad news, folks. Helloooo Newman's popularity is sinking. Fast. And we're wondering why.

Think of our blog like it's a McDonald's hamburger. Each article is made with 99.9% Canada grade A funny. Sure, there are some additives (lots of salt, sugar, fat, gluten, terrible for heart health), but essentially, it's a funny burger. A Happy Meal. Without the lineups and puke-stained washrooms.

But, there are other hamburgers out there, trying to go down better than us.

In light of this sad news, we at HN want your feedback.

We have two phone lines set up to hear what you have to say.

For positive feedback, call 1-800-NEWMANLOVESYOU

For negative feedback, call 1-800-IHOPENEWMANPOOSONYOURMATTRESS

Operators are standing by…

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO: Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg. My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, C...

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO: Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg. My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, C...

EIEIO

Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg.

My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, CRO.

In these positions, her blood type has been changed to OOO negative.

I am the EIEIO, heading up the animal department.

Watch for our quarterly reports, issued once a year.

Helloooo Newman: Dying is Easy

Helloooo Newman: Dying is Easy: Writing quality comedy is hard. People tell me that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, and then they say I should only write what make...

Dying is Easy

Writing quality comedy is hard.

People tell me that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, and then they say I should only write what makes me laugh.

See my problem?

Helloooo Newman: Days Are Numbered

Helloooo Newman: Days Are Numbered: I looked at a calendar today and thought, shit, my days are numbered.

Days Are Numbered

I looked at a calendar today and thought, shit, my days are numbered.

Helloooo Newman: Me Neither

Helloooo Newman: Me Neither: You ever been at a friend's party and everyone gets drunk and then your friend starts showing everybody clips from his online porn colle...

Me Neither

You ever been at a friend's party and everyone gets drunk and then your friend starts showing everybody clips from his online porn collection and you inadvertently yell out, "Oh ya, I've seen that one. It's sooooo good."?

Me neither.

Helloooo Newman: No Answer

Helloooo Newman: No Answer: French President Macron decries nationalism. His calls to Quebec go unanswered.

No Answer

French President Macron decries nationalism. His calls to Quebec politicians go unanswered.

"Hey Ernie, gimme two macrons with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles."

Helloooo Newman: Still Downloading

Helloooo Newman: Still Downloading: Downloading: The universe Reputable scientists suggest the universe might be a vast computer app. Maybe the reason the world is so me...

Still Downloading

Downloading: The universe

Reputable scientists suggest the universe might be a vast computer app.

Maybe the reason the world is so messed up and confusing is that it hasn't finished downloading.

Has anybody checked the status bar lately?

I imagine the software engineer like this: An ADHD-riddled teen in nothing but dirty gym socks (online Avatar is Facial Fasciitis) playing basketball with his sperm into empty cups of Yop and popping fentanyl out of his Pez dispenser.

The Universe: Yer Fucked version Zero.

Still downloading…

Helloooo Newman: Pursue Your Dreams

Helloooo Newman: Pursue Your Dreams: People tell me that if I have a dream, I should do everything I can to pursue it. If I have a dream, that means I'm asleep. There will b...

Pursue Your Dreams

People tell me that if I have a dream, I should do everything I can to pursue it. If I have a dream, that means I'm asleep. There will be no pursuing, except of more sleep.

Helloooo Newman: Masterbates

Helloooo Newman: Masterbates: Mastercard is offering a new rebate program called masterbates.

Save Your Masterbates

Mastercard is offering a new rebate program called masterbates.

Helloooo Newman: Santa Clause

Helloooo Newman: Santa Clause: I wonder if the elves who work for Santa Clause had to sign a non-compete clause.

Santa Clause

I wonder if the elves who work for Santa Clause had to sign a non-compete clause.

Helloooo Newman: Daylight Savings

Helloooo Newman: Daylight Savings: You know what bugs me most about daylight savings? Changing my sundial. Damn thing is made of stone.

Daylight Savings

You know what bugs me most about daylight savings? Changing my sundial. Damn thing is made of stone.

Helloooo Newman: Pain in the Back

Helloooo Newman: Pain in the Back: Boy, my back has been hurting these last few weeks. Putting my socks on reminds me of a Cirque du Soleil show. Finally, I found treatment....

Pain in the Back

Boy, my back has been hurting these last few weeks. Putting my socks on reminds me of a Cirque du Soleil show.

Finally, I found treatment. It's called acuPUNCHer. My wife repeatedly punches me in the head until the pain drowns out my back.

Helloooo Newman: Tapping into God

Helloooo Newman: Tapping into God: I'm recording all my conversations with God. Just in case there's trouble for me getting into Heaven. Might have to litigate. Don&#3...

Tapping into God

I'm recording all my conversations with God. Just in case there's trouble for me getting into Heaven. Might have to litigate. Don't tell Him.