Wednesday, 11 December 2019

Helloooo Newman: Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me

Helloooo Newman: Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me: Santa wrote me. Dear Paul: You do realize the words to the song are as follows, He sees you when you're sleeping And he knows whe...

Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me

Santa wrote me.

Dear Paul:

You do realize the words to the song are as follows,

He sees you when you're sleeping
And he knows when you're awake

I've never known you to be awake. You have to wake up sometimes if you want gifts.

Quit the napping.

Santa.

Tuesday, 10 December 2019

Helloooo Newman: Favourite Christmas Carol

Helloooo Newman: Favourite Christmas Carol: Being so Christmassy, I often get the question, "Hey, Father Christmas, what's your favourite carol?" It's true. I am a ...

Favourite Christmas Carol

Being so Christmassy, I often get the question, "Hey, Father Christmas, what's your favourite carol?"

It's true. I am a father. And I love mistletoe. More than camel toe. I wear it just above my ass so people can kiss it. I make a list, throw it in the fire, and check it twice to make sure it burned.

Some people think this bah humbug act is an act. It is. It's also typecasting.

So what do I listen to while I'm throwing old Christmas tree needles at the elderly and getting hammered on Jager?

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fuck This. Trust me. It will put you in the mood. Or a mood.

Give it a listen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnRPDQCQMNU

Sunday, 8 December 2019

Helloooo Newman: Peloton of Trouble

Helloooo Newman: Peloton of Trouble: Hey, a shout out to all those people hurt by the Peloton ad. I'd like to offer some words of comfort. You need to drink more fucking...

Peloton of Trouble

Hey, a shout out to all those people hurt by the Peloton ad.

I'd like to offer some words of comfort.

You need to drink more fucking alcohol.

You need to skip the tv commercials, like everyone else does.

Use the fucking mute button.

Pull that exercise bike from out of your ass and put your ass on the bike. Try losing 2 pounds. It's fucking hard.

All those years I wasn't able to fit into my fucking two-piece bathing suit. I got over it.

My wife watch the ad, and do you know what she did after?

She went on with her fucking life.

You want to be offended? Read this fucking blog.

Oh, and Happy Holidays. Hope you get everything you wish for.

Saturday, 7 December 2019

Helloooo Newman: Transitions

Helloooo Newman: Transitions: My reading glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud we live in a world where they can stop pretending and be what they are are – contacts...

Transitions

My reading glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud we live in a world where they can stop pretending and be what they really are – contacts.

Friday, 6 December 2019

Helloooo Newman: Top Ten

Helloooo Newman: Top Ten: I can't stand top ten lists of the best this or that or some other bullshit. You get a lot of these around Christmas. Top Ten bar soaps....

Top Ten

I can't stand top ten lists of the best this or that or some other bullshit. You get a lot of these around Christmas. Top Ten bar soaps. Gee, think I'll get #11 for my wife.

Here's my top ten list of the worst top ten lists.

1. All of them
2. All of them
3. All of them
4. All of them
5. All of them
6. All of them
7. All of them
8. All of them
9. All of them
10. All of them

Friday, 29 November 2019

Helloooo Newman: Food Porn

Helloooo Newman: Food Porn: Have you ever watched the Food channel on a full stomach? Just not the same effect as when you're hungry. It's like masturbating and...

Food Porn

Have you ever watched the Food channel on a full stomach? Just not the same effect as when you're hungry. It's like masturbating and then watching porn.

Meh.

Thursday, 28 November 2019

Helloooo Newman: Ego

Helloooo Newman: Ego: It's a good thing I don't realize just how talented I am. I would have a huge ego.

Ego

It's a good thing I don't realize just how talented I am. I would have a huge ego.

Monday, 25 November 2019

Helloooo Newman: Who Hacked the Election?

Helloooo Newman: Who Hacked the Election?: U.S. Intelligence agencies have admitted they made an error and now report that the 2016 election was hacked by Buddy Hackett.

Who Hacked the Election?



Republicans are now speculating that the 2016 election was hacked by Buddy Hackett.

Saturday, 23 November 2019

Helloooo Newman: I Barely Know Him

Helloooo Newman: I Barely Know Him: More and more people are coming out and admitting that Donald Trump asked for a quid pro quo from Ukraine. Rudy Giuliani: Donald Trump ask...

I Barely Know Him

More and more people are coming out and admitting that Donald Trump asked for a quid pro quo from Ukraine.

Rudy Giuliani: Donald Trump asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: I barely know the man. I hear he's a reputable lawyer, but don't know him.

Mike Pompeo: Yes, Donald Trump definitely asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: Listen, I barely know the guy. I hear he's a nice guy, but don't know him.

Mike Pence: I was there and Donald Trump definitely asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: I run into him in the halls, but I barely know him. I hear he's a nice guy, but don't know him.

Melania Trump: Last night in bed Donny-poops said that he asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: We're married, but I barely know her. I barely know my other wives too. Or the women I assaulted and raped. I hear they're all sweet. Barely know them.

Barron Trump: I think daddy did something bad to squids and crows.

Donald Trump: I barely know the kid. I've seen his tiny suits hanging in the closet. Maybe we met once, maybe twice. Nice kid. Don't know him.

God. In his prayers, Donald Trump definitely asked for a quid pro quo with Ukraine.

Donald Trump: God who? I don't know the man. In fact, I've never met him. Can you find a picture of me with him? No.

I barely know them.

Friday, 22 November 2019

Helloooo Newman: Time Travel

Helloooo Newman: Time Travel: It makes complete sense. Greta Thunberg, bored with her life in 1898, time-travelled to a period in human history when humans are about t...

Time Travel


It makes complete sense. Greta Thunberg, bored with her life in 1898 (gathering and hewing wood), time-travelled to a period in human history when humans are about to go extinct from climate change. Exciting times.

Saturday, 16 November 2019

Helloooo Newman: Tumour

Helloooo Newman: Tumour: I think the reason I don't eat grapefruit anymore is that they're always compared to the size of a tumour. Oh, that tumour is the ...

Tumour

I think the reason I don't eat grapefruit anymore is that they're always compared to the size of a tumour.

Oh, that tumour is the size of a grapefruit. Same with pears. Never eggs for some reason.

Can we pick something other than food to measure tumour size? I don't want to eat a tumour. It causes tumours. How about just using a tape measure.

Golf ball is a better choice. Golf is an annoying and stupid game and shouldn't exist, just like tumours are annoying and stupid.

These days I only eat the fruits that can't be compared to tumours – banana, pineapple (you'd be dead if the tumour were that big), screw pine (because no one's heard of it).

Helloooo Newman: Vision Quest

Helloooo Newman: Vision Quest: My vision is so bad these days I wear glasses while I sleep so I can see my dreams better.

Vision Quest

My vision is so bad these days I wear glasses while I sleep so I can see my dreams better.

Monday, 11 November 2019

Helloooo Newman: Greatest Hits: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem

Helloooo Newman: Greatest Hits: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem: Fuck Old Man Winter. Fuck him. Fuuuuuuck him slowly. Fck him fast. Fuck him sdrawkcab. Fuck him forwards. On top. On bottom. ...

Helloooo Newman: The First Snow

Helloooo Newman: The First Snow: Today is the first day of snow in Toronto, otherwise known as the first day Torontonians have ever seen snow in their lives. So let's dr...

The First Snow

Today is the first day of snow in Toronto, otherwise known as the first day Torontonians have ever seen snow in their lives. So let's drive like it's the first time we've ever driven in snow. Let's walk like it's the first day we've ever walked in snow. Let's shut the subway down because it's the first time it's ever snowed. Let's send out the firetrucks because it's the first time it's ever snowed. Let's watch the power go out because it's the first time it's ever snowed.

And let's pretend like it's the last time it will ever snow.

Friday, 8 November 2019

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers: Instead of a "No Soliciting" sign on the front door of my house, I have a "No Hookers" sign. But it's fake. Of cours...

No Hookers

Instead of a "No Soliciting" sign on the front door of my house, I have a "No Hookers" sign. But it's fake. Of course I want hookers to stop by.

Tuesday, 5 November 2019

Helloooo Newman: Single, Emma Watson Style

Helloooo Newman: Single, Emma Watson Style: Emma Watson says she isn't single but "self-partnered". Ya, I masturbate a lot too, Emma.

Single, Emma Watson Style

Emma Watson says she isn't single but "self-partnered".

Ya, I masturbate a lot too, Emma.

Helloooo Newman: Worth Killing For

Helloooo Newman: Worth Killing For: There aren't many things worth killing for in this world, but the new Popeye's chicken sandwich is certainly one of them.

Worth Killing For

There aren't many things worth killing for in this world, but the new Popeye's chicken sandwich is certainly one of them.

Sunday, 3 November 2019

Helloooo Newman: Black Christmas

Helloooo Newman: Black Christmas: It's November 3rd. Where are the Christmas carols?  I need Christmas carols crashing through my eardrums.

Black Christmas

It's November 3rd. Where are the Christmas carols? 
You expect me to get through 2 solid months without Christmas music?


Saturday, 2 November 2019

Helloooo Newman: The Mind of a Vegetable

Helloooo Newman: The Mind of a Vegetable: Why do so many vegetarians always talk about the wonderful food they eat, and try to convince me to eat the same food? That would be like ...

The Mind of a Vegetable

Why do so many vegetarians always talk about the wonderful food they eat, and try to convince me to eat the same food?

That would be like me talking about KFC all day, and telling everyone they really need more fried chicken in their diet.

Fried chicken is one of the few signs of evidence I accept that God exists. I went to Florida not too long ago and the supermarket there had the most wonderful, juicy, crispy, golden brown, delicious, just-perfectly-cooked, hot, crispy, golden brown and juicy (and most wonderful) fried chicken. Made right there in front of you. The chicken starts out white and kind of yucky looking, but after not too long it develops this beautiful glittering gold tan colour that your mouth is just dying to crunch into. Like a beautiful woman tanning on a tropical beach. That beautiful blanket of greasy goodness swaddles the meat, so you end up with juicy, sweet and tender chicken. The dichotomy of the crispy skin and the melting chicken meat startles you at first, but then sends a signal to your brain that your body is undergoing something wonderful. Every bite is an emotional journey into my childhood, when I first took a bite of KFC and found God. You really should try it if you haven't. Until then, you haven't lived. You are missing out on a religious experience like no other.

But, you know, I don't go on about it like vegetarians do.



Thursday, 31 October 2019

Helloooo Newman: Halloween In Quebec

Helloooo Newman: Halloween In Quebec: I went to Montreal one time for Halloween and instead of saying "trick or treat" I said "trick or steak frites".

Halloween In Quebec

I went to Montreal one time for Halloween and instead of saying "trick or treat" I said "trick or steak frites".

Monday, 28 October 2019

Helloooo Newman: Dr. Dog

Helloooo Newman: Dr. Dog: I'm writing a new tv show about a puppy dog that can smell when people have cancer. It's called Doggie Howser, MD.

Dr. Dog

I'm writing a new tv show about a puppy dog that can smell when people have cancer. It's called Doggie Howser, MD.

Friday, 25 October 2019

Helloooo Newman: Sex Dolls

Helloooo Newman: Sex Dolls: I'm starting a new courier company that only delivers sex dolls. It's called Impurolator .

Sex Dolls

I'm starting a new courier company that only delivers sex dolls. It's called Impurolator.

Wednesday, 23 October 2019

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis: Okay, okay, I know you've all been waiting for my analysis of the Sleep Country Canadian election. Justin Trudeau lost the popular vot...

Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis

Okay, okay, I know you've all been waiting for my analysis of the Sleep Country Canadian election.

Justin Trudeau lost the popular vote. This means not that many people want free camping. They are either completely rational people who hate sleeping on a rock, getting rain-soaked, visiting a disgusting outhouse, listening to other families fight, and, gosh darn, don't get their coffee at Tim Hortons, or they love it so much they are willing to go bankrupt to do it.

But…he won the most seats. This means they like camping, but not in a national park. They'd rather camp at a place like the King Edward Hotel for rich people, or maybe just in a house they can barely afford.

Andrew Scheer won the popular vote. This means people do want free admission into museums and art galleries, one of his benchmark promises.

But…he won fewer seats than Justin. This means people don't want to go to museums to see old fossils and scary spiders. They want to see stuff like politicians that have substance, maybe a live sex show, and groceries, home renovation equipment, clothes, medications, tv's and liquor. Basically everything but old fossils and scary spiders.

Boom!

Monday, 21 October 2019

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Exercising your Franchise

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Exercising your Franchise: I love election day because instead of actually exercising, getting sweaty, out of breath and all that shit, I just exercise my franchise. ...