Friday, 15 February 2019

Helloooo Newman: Valentines Day

Helloooo Newman: Valentines Day: It's a shame that the mainstream media feels a need to bloviate about the scourge that is Valentine's Day. I'm not talking abo...

Valentines Day

It's a shame that the mainstream media feels a need to bloviate about the scourge that is Valentine's Day.

I'm not talking about commercials for V Day. I mean announcers, DJs, newscasters, talk show hosts, all with their pieholes agape extolling the guilt that goes along with not spending $200 on roses or chocolate on this one very special day.

Because you only get this one very special day to tell someone you love them and really mean it.

What the hell was Christmas for? Your birthday? Our anniversary? Mother's Day? Father's Day? Last night, when I dressed up as Cornelius from Planet of the Apes and you played Nova, the girl that could only moan.

By the way, I still looooooove receiving roses and chocolate.

Hello?

Anyone?

Wednesday, 13 February 2019

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: IQ

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: IQ: Helloooo Newman: IQ : I'm at the age now where reading elevator buttons is an IQ test for me. It's hard entering an elevator and q...

Helloooo Newman: IQ

Helloooo Newman: IQ: I'm at the age now where reading elevator buttons is an IQ test for me. It's hard entering an elevator and quickly assessing which...

IQ

I'm at the age now where reading elevator buttons is an IQ test for me.

It's hard entering an elevator and quickly assessing which button closes the elevator doors and which one opens them. Those little triangles can be confusing for an old guy like me. Might as well be ancient Sumerian symbols – hey look, according to these strange buttons, aliens visited this elevator and installed really gross carpeting, wall-to-wall mirrors and an odour of urinal pucks.

Yesterday I crushed three old ladies, two dogs and a Fedex package from Tiffany's marked "Fragile, Irreplaceable and Expensive".

I rode the elevator to the basement and hid.

Monday, 11 February 2019

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living: Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living : Why do cemeteries have closing hours? Why not stay open 24-Seven? Do the dead mind being viewed at 3...

Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living

Helloooo Newman: Closed to the Living: Why do cemeteries have closing hours? Why not stay open 24-Seven? Do the dead mind being viewed at 3:00 a.m.? I've seen a lot of dead ...

Closed to the Living

Why do cemeteries have closing hours? Why not stay open 24-Seven? Do the dead mind being viewed at 3:00 a.m.?

I've seen a lot of dead people working and shopping in 7-Eleven and it's open all night.

There's nothing like a Big Gulp and a nuked wiener that says you're in Heaven, am I right?

Saturday, 9 February 2019

Helloooo Newman: Waking Up Dead

Helloooo Newman: Waking Up Dead: I saw this guy being interviewed about getting stuck in an avalanche out West. At one point he says, "I woke up and thought I was dead....

Waking Up Dead

I saw this guy being interviewed about getting stuck in an avalanche out West. At one point he says, "I woke up and thought I was dead."

That happened to me once when I was staying at a Motel 6 on my way to New York City. I woke up and saw the breakfast and thought, that's it, I'm toast. I think that was toast. Didn't look or smell like toast so it probably wasn't. I ate it because the Virgin Mary's face was on one of the slices.

Is that how it really works? Death, I mean. If I can think I'm dead, how can I be dead? In that case, what's the difference between being alive and dead?

I would need more proof. Like my jeans won't stay up no matter how tight my belt is, I smell really bad and the government tells me I don't owe any more taxes.

My life insurance broker once told me of a story about his near life experience. He was never the same after that. He swore never to enjoy life again. Sold more insurance than ever.

Sunday, 3 February 2019

Helloooo Newman: Patient Disaster

Helloooo Newman: Patient Disaster: I don't get what the problem is with a disaster waiting to happen . If some horrible event that will kill hundreds of thousands of peo...

Patient Disaster

I don't get what the problem is with a disaster waiting to happen.

If some horrible event that will kill hundreds of thousands of people has the patience to wait around doing nothing, isn't that a good thing?

Tsunami: Hey, isn't this the day you were going to erupt again and hopefully kill millions of people?

Mount Vesuvius: Nah, I decided to wait. I'm gettin' old, you know. Erupting isn't as easy as it use to be. Maybe next year.

Let's hope more disasters can learn this kind of patience.

Friday, 1 February 2019

Helloooo Newman: Emoji Consultant

Helloooo Newman: Emoji Consultant: I got some disappointing news from a friend last week. He had a tough breakup with his girlfriend. The really sad part is he's 56, di...

Emoji Consultant

I got some disappointing news from a friend last week.

He had a tough breakup with his girlfriend. The really sad part is he's 56, divorced, and his ex is 26.

On top of that, his new puppy died of a rare infection of the hock.

Tough day all around.

I really struggled with how to respond to this. What do I say and, more importantly, what emoji do I use to express my concern?

It seemed like any emoji I picked was simply mocking him. The sad face emoji was belittling. Do I go with the one-tear emoji or two-tear? Maybe the pained expression? If I express too much sorrow, I might be encouraging him to go find another girlfriend that only has her G1, but I also want him to know how sad the puppy thing is and he should give it another shot.

This is when I realized I need an emoji consultant. We all do.

Emoji consultants are a rare breed, and the demand for them is increasing exponentially.

"There's a real shortage of qualified emoji consultant's", reflects Dan, one of the first truly gifted and educated emoji consultants.

He continued.

"Matching the right emoji to the right life situation is a very personal decision. It's like picking the right piece of music for grandma's funeral or a proctologist (gynecologist too) that makes you feel comfortable."

"Society can't make the proper emojis fast enough. People are left on their own to come up with the proper words for some very tough situations. It's a real burden on them."

"You know, we always focus on emotional health, physical health, but no one pays attention to a person's emojinal health. It's a real emojincy."

Dan is working on a few of his own customized emojis for his clients. The Hung Out to Dry emoji is for people who are fired after years of service to their almighty corporation. Dan will emojify your boss's face and add either a rope around the neck or a knife to the chest. You can add a blood spatter if you really got burned, like not getting a severance. Apparently employees of Sears love this option.

I'm considering hiring Dan for my friend's situation, although it's a bit pricey. I was thinking of some kind of soother image, which symbolizes his girlfriend and denotes a happy, baby-like state.

Dan looks forward to the day when emoji consultants are covered under medical benefits.


PS: I couldn't find the perfect emoji to go with this blog. See what I mean?

Thursday, 31 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Follow the Leader

Helloooo Newman: Follow the Leader: It's so weird, this thing in Venezuela. The same situation's been going on in my house for years. Two leaders who both think the...

Follow the Leader

It's so weird, this thing in Venezuela.

The same situation's been going on in my house for years.

Two leaders who both think they're in charge.

Me…

and my daughter.

I control the monetary system.

She controls a cadre of authorateenians.

I'm trying to build a coalition of neighbours who will recognize my legitimacy.

Save democracy.

One man, one vote.

I'm the man.

I get the vote.

I'm in charge.

Tuesday, 29 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: The Ghost of Gustav Holst

Helloooo Newman: The Ghost of Gustav Holst: Helloooo Newman is interviewing the ghost of Gustav Holst. The Goost, as he likes to be called, composed The Planets in 1916. The Planets...

The Ghost of Gustav Holst

Helloooo Newman is interviewing the ghost of Gustav Holst.

The Goost, as he likes to be called, composed The Planets in 1916. The Planets is one the most famous and recognizable musical pieces every written.

HN: Mr. Goost, thank for taking the time out of your busy cathedral-haunting schedule to speak with HN.

Goost: I'd like to say it's my pleasure but, you know, I'm dead.

HN: What was your inspiration for writing The Planets.

Goost: Um, the planets were. That's why it's called The Planets. Seven planets, seven pieces.

HN: Very interesting.

Goost: Are we done here?

HN: You must be so glad you wrote The Planets in 1916 and not today.

Goost: Wada you mean?

HN: Well, as of 2019 astronomers have discovered 3,706 planets with our modern observatories and satellites. That's 3,706 pieces you would have to write. That's a lot of notes, eh?

Goost: Are you vaping mustard gas? No fucking way I'm writing 3,706 pieces. When's my downtime? I'll need way more money. A man's gotta eat. Does my agent know about this?

HN: Hey, did you see Amadeus? Awesome movie, eh? "Too many notes" – so funny.

Goost: I see why no one reads your blog.


Monday, 28 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Climate Change and the Cher Solution

Helloooo Newman: Climate Change and the Cher Solution: Cher at 310 years old Scientists looking for solutions to the perils of climate change have stumbled upon a remarkable strategy to save...

Climate Change and the Cher Solution

Cher at 310 years old

Scientists looking for solutions to the perils of climate change have stumbled upon a remarkable strategy to save Mother Earth.

Since the climate is changing so quickly, scientists reason, we need a way to stop, or slow down, this change.

One night, while eating an emissions-free dinner of lentil soup, lentil salad, lentil steak, lentil wine and lentil ice cream, leading scientist E. Missions loaded his favourite Cher song on iTunes. That's when it struck him.

What hasn't changed in centuries? Cher's face!

What's on her skin? How do her cheeks, her smile, stay frozen in time?

Mr. Missions plans to study what combination of oils, soaps, masks, facials, peels, scrapes, extracts, muds, creams, lotions, fruits and vegetables Cher uses, and cover the Earth with these magnificent ingredients.

Mr. Missions has no delusions. He knows it will be tough to cover the entire Earth with this planet-saving recipe, especially when people could slip on a cream or peel and injure their tailbone.

"If a face can stop changing, so can a climate."

Sunday, 27 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Toupee Touché

Helloooo Newman: Toupee Touché: There's no desperation quite like the desperation of a man wearing a toupee. Essentially he's saying, "Ha, the entire human r...

Toupee Touché

There's no desperation quite like the desperation of a man wearing a toupee.

Essentially he's saying, "Ha, the entire human race ages, but me."

Wait a minute, it's worse than that. "My entire body is aging. I have double D breasts, jowls that look like two hammocks on my cheeks, an entire set of luggage under my eyes, chicken legs, crocodile skin. But my hair is as thick and black as the oil wells of Saudi Arabia. Must be a miracle."

What kind of mental Cirque de Soleil gymnastics takes place in this man's mind that he is convinced no one notices.

Come on. You might as well have a penis sewn onto your forehead.

"Hey Bob, do you notice this penis on my forehead?"

"Hmmm a penis, you say? Not at all."

"When I die at 89, I'd like a black coffin, to match my thick black hair."

Just grow old, will ya?

Friday, 25 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Helloooo Newman: Between a Rock and a Hard Place: I've never understood the phrase "between a rock and a hard place" . How hard is this hard place? Is it harder than the rock...

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I've never understood the phrase "between a rock and a hard place".

How hard is this hard place? Is it harder than the rock? Rocks are pretty hard, and it would be enough of a drag just to be stuck between two huge rocks.

But no. The hard place must be harder than the rock, or why mention it?

"Hey, I'd like to help you but I'm between a rock and and this huge diamond, which is much harder than the rock. Way bigger than the diamond I bought my wife, which is fake, by the way. That's why I'm calling it a hard place. Much harder compared to the rock. To be clear, I'm not stuck between two rocks, which are pretty hard, but between a rock and something much, much harder."

You never hear about how people extricate themselves from this difficult spot, which they are stuck in. I imagine some people have had to saw a limb off to get free. I think these "survivors" deserve a saying of their own.

"Hey, I'm not just going out on a limb for you, I've cut a limb off for you. You're welcome."

Wednesday, 23 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Great Balls of Fire

Helloooo Newman: Great Balls of Fire: Listen to them clang. On fire! Isn't it rather great that the only person who has the balls to take on Trump doesn't have any ...

Great Balls of Fire



Listen to them clang. On fire!

Isn't it rather great that the only person who has the balls to take on Trump doesn't have any balls?

It's obvs that Nancy deserves some honorary balls.

The Academy of Scrotum Awards: Come to the Ball.

And the scrotum goes to…Nancy Pelosi, for acting as if she has balls.

"Nancy, how did you prepare for this role?"

"Well, I knew the part required some balls. At first, I was going to borrow some from my male colleagues in Washington. Unfortunately, all their balls were suspended in vice grips at home. I guess they're saving them for some point in the future, but they're sure not willing to use them when they're really needed. You know, I always thought Democratic balls were stronger than GOP balls. Nope. They're just a little warmer to the touch."

"So I grew a pair and decided to stand up like a…um…man?"

"Oh, I ate a lot of pasta too, but didn't gain any weight."

"I'd like to thank…"

Tuesday, 22 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Walking Along Weed Street

Helloooo Newman: Walking Along Weed Street: How much weed must you be smoking if I'm walking by your house, on the other side of the street, and by the end of the street I'm re...

Walking Along Weed Street

How much weed must you be smoking if I'm walking by your house, on the other side of the street, and by the end of the street I'm ready to audition for a Cheech and Chong movie?

What, did they role a mattress joint with a bud in every individually pocketed coil?

Monday, 21 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Too Much Plastic

Helloooo Newman: Too Much Plastic: Image is faker than it appears In an effort to reduce my plastic use, I am no longer eating the egg sandwiches at Starbucks.

Too Much Plastic

Image is faker than it appears

In an effort to reduce my plastic use, I am no longer eating the egg sandwiches at Starbucks.

Helloooo Newman: Minus Ambition

Helloooo Newman: Minus Ambition: Today my car wouldn't start and my ambition froze.

Minus Ambition

Today my car wouldn't start. As I waited for a boost, my ambition froze.

Saturday, 19 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: All the Fat

Helloooo Newman: All the Fat: I like foods that say "half the fat". It's honest. Up front. "Hey, you're getting less of what you really enjoy ...

All the Fat


I like foods that say "half the fat". It's honest. Up front.

"Hey, you're getting less of what you really enjoy for the same money, dummy. Maybe you'll only have half that heart attack. Probably not. In fact, you'll probably just eat twice as much. Enjoy!"

Why can't regular products be honest like that?

This product is:
"full-fatted"
"twice the fat for fat lovers"
"fat-laden"
"do these ingredients make me look fat?"

"100% of the fat. 100% of the fun. 100% of the heart attack. In that order, hopefully."


Friday, 18 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Half Foods

Helloooo Newman: Half Foods: Why is it called Whole Foods when you get half of what you're expecting?

Half Foods

Why is it called Whole Foods when you get half of what you're expecting?

Thursday, 17 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Bidet

Helloooo Newman: Bidet: I've never met or heard of anyone that actually uses a bidet. Maybe no one admits it. "Hey, when was the last time you shot wa...

Bidet


I've never met or heard of anyone that actually uses a bidet. Maybe no one admits it.

"Hey, when was the last time you shot water up your butt?"

"Ah, never?"

Bidet is French for Butthole Fountain, but as a kid I thought it was a drinking fountain. And why can't it be? No one uses them for their actual purpose.

Come to think of it, wouldn't a drinking fountain technically be a bidet for your mouth? Why not a bidet for other body parts? Like my dirty mind.

How come I only ever see bidets in hotels? Is there something about travelling? Maybe travellers diarrhea. But why don't we have a term for diarrhea when we're home. Ugh, I had a terrible case of hometown diarrhea yesterday.

Sometimes when I'm travelling I leave the bidet running all day and throw change in it, so it's a real fountain, like the Trevi Fountain in Rome. Very romantic on a honeymoon, especially when the honeymoon is in Duluth.

I guess I can see why you don't find bidets in people's homes.

"Um, that brisket ran right through me, and it would be really weird to take a shower here. Do you have something I can wash my asshole with, but I won't get completely wet?"

Tuesday, 15 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Chinese Travel Warning

Helloooo Newman: Chinese Travel Warning: A travel warning for all Chinese travellers to Canada has been issued by the Xi Jinping government. It advises Chinese citizens that comin...

Chinese Travel Warning

A travel warning for all Chinese travellers to Canada has been issued by the Xi Jinping government.

It advises Chinese citizens that coming to Canada might expose them to dangers such as the rule of law, freedom of speech, Internet with more than 5 available sites, ladies footwear that doesn't require one's toes to be crushed together, death penalty trials that last longer than 20 minutes and don't result in a death penalty, and over-priced Uber Eats Chinese food delivery.

The Canadian tourist industry shudders.

Monday, 14 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: Today I was really confused. A firetruck pulled in front of me and I followed 150 feet back, like everyone does. Suddenly another firetruc...

Wit Bit

Today I was really confused. A firetruck pulled in front of me and I followed 150 feet back, like everyone does.

Suddenly another firetruck pulled in front of the first firetruck. I did some quick math. Shit. Should I be 300 feet back? Should I add the two firetrucks together? There was nothing in the driver's manual about this.

Then an ambulance arrived. That's another 150 feet. That's nearly a city block. People were really pissed at me.

I got even more confused when I could barely read a sign on the ambulance: How's My Driving - call some number, which I couldn't read.

Should I pull up close enough to read the number, and then call to report his driving? Does that negate the 150 feet back rule?

Confusing.

Friday, 11 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Humangenuity

Helloooo Newman: Humangenuity: I want you to think back. Back to a time – oh, the 60s and 70s, maybe the 80s and 90s too – when people owned thermometers. People just li...

Humangenuity

I want you to think back. Back to a time – oh, the 60s and 70s, maybe the 80s and 90s too – when people owned thermometers.

People just like you and me would put these thermometers outside, by a window so they could read them. They could read the air temperature all by themselves.

If it was a cold day, these people could read the thermometer and say to themselves, "It's a cold day." Then they could decide to adjust their clothing routine, based on this useful information.

Today, the government handles this complicated task for us. When it's particularly cold out, Environment Canada (a gov't institution) issues a special letter, telling everyone that it's cold outside. They tell us to expect it to be cold. They alert the media. Then they tell us that we should dress differently because it's cold. And they do this every winter.

Ingenious. This is what separates us from the apes.

Silly apes.

They wouldn't even think of getting a group of apes together and paying them money to tell the other apes that it's cold outside. Dress differently, apes.

Silly apes.

Wednesday, 9 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: Maybe

Helloooo Newman: Maybe: Why do we only have head movements for yes and no ? Why isn't there a head movement for maybe? My answer to a lot of questions is may...

Maybe

Why do we only have head movements for yes and no? Why isn't there a head movement for maybe?

My answer to a lot of questions is maybe.

"Hey, would you save me if I was drowning?"

"Maybe." But instead of taking the time to say maybe, my head could move from the top right to the bottom left.

Maybe not could be from the top left to the bottom right.

"Are you saying you wouldn't save me?"

To that question I would move my head around in a frantic circle, meaning I need more clarification.

"Well, how cold is the water?"

"You want to know how cold the water is when I'm drowning?"

"No sense in both of us drowning."

This actually happened to me once, but when I asked my friend if he wanted me to save him, I couldn't tell if his head was saying yes, no, or maybe.

Monday, 7 January 2019

Helloooo Newman: School Friends

Helloooo Newman: School Friends: Have you ever used Classmates.com to track down old school friends? I knew so many interesting characters in school. I wonder what they&#3...

School Friends

Have you ever used Classmates.com to track down old school friends?

I knew so many interesting characters in school. I wonder what they're doing now.

Al Gorithm - smartest guy I knew

Stan Dalone - hard to get to know

Sam Onella - always offered me some of his green sandwiches, um, no thanks

Dick Tation - took the best notes

Millie Metre - size didn't matter to her (hence, my girlfriend)

Ken Garoo - awesome at the long jump

Lee Otard - nice legs

Sam Wich - snatched some of his lunch all the time

Dan Delion - just when I thought I'd gotten rid of him, he'd pop up again

Sam Sonite - always stuffing way too much in his body

Daryl Ict - have a feeling he didn't go too far