Helloooo Newman: Yukky breastfeeding

Helloooo Newman: Yukky breastfeeding: Did you hear about the comedian (Arj Barker) who kicked a breastfeeding woman out of his show? In Australia, of all places. I thought men i...

Yukky breastfeeding

Did you hear about the comedian (Arj Barker) who kicked a breastfeeding woman out of his show?

In Australia, of all places. I thought men in Australia worshipped breasts.

I'm a bit torn. Part of me says I would have kicked the mom out but asked the baby to stay. Not his fault.

But, and I hate to do this, I feel the need to ask all breastfeeding women reading this blog to stop reading NOW.

It distracts the readers. Especially me.

Noisy baby. Two bouncy castles in your face. Who can put a sentence together?

If you want to breastfeed in public, put it on YouTube or TikTok, like everyone else.

Send me the link. Just don't do it during my blog.

Thank you.

Helloooo Newman: Secret Fetish

Helloooo Newman: Secret Fetish: I have a secret fetish. I like to wear men's underwear. There. I said it. Go ahead, judge me. But don't tell anyone, okay?

Secret Fetish

I have a secret fetish.

I like to wear men's underwear.

There. I said it.

Go ahead, judge me.

But don't tell anyone, okay?

Helloooo Newman: The long bucket list

Helloooo Newman: The long bucket list:   Another achievement off everyone's bucket list

The long bucket list

 

Another achievement off everyone's bucket list

Helloooo Newman: Bag Man

Helloooo Newman: Bag Man: How weird that Ford is bringing back paper bags. It's like he's reminding us he can't lead his was out of a paper bag. On the pl...

Bag Man

How weird that Ford is bringing back paper bags.

It's like he's reminding us he can't lead his was out of a paper bag.

On the plus side, all the trees cut down to produce the bags will come from his cottage.

Helloooo Newman: Stoned

Helloooo Newman: Stoned: They survived the eclipse. Now it's time to remind your kids: no staring directly at Medusa

Stoned

They survived the eclipse.

Now it's time to remind your kids: no staring directly at Medusa

Helloooo Newman: LCBO

Helloooo Newman: LCBO: The LCBO has been asked to bring back paper bags. Bags that are recyclable and made from recycled materials. This means I will no longer for...

LCBO

The LCBO has been asked to bring back paper bags. Bags that are recyclable and made from recycled materials.

This means I will no longer forget to bring one of the 4000 reusable bags I have stored up in my closet. Bags that aren't recyclable, covered in mold and will end up in a landfill site.

A cynical person might think they are making a little money on the side charging for bags. But, of course, we aren't cynical here at Helloooo Newman. As always, the liquor people have our best interests at heart.

The LCBO will no longer stand for the Liquor Control Bags of Ontario.

Helloooo Newman: Always wear protection

Helloooo Newman: Always wear protection: Damned if I can find solar eclipse contacts!

Always wear protection

Damned if I can find solar eclipse contacts!

Helloooo Newman: Suing Reality

Helloooo Newman: Suing Reality: In a bold move, Ontario school boards have expanded their lawsuit from media giants to include reality itself. We're tired of reality. I...

Suing Reality

In a bold move, Ontario school boards have expanded their lawsuit from media giants to include reality itself.

We're tired of reality. It's time things are the way they should be. We hope to win a lot of money, and make things the way we want them to be.

Next on the list. The English language, for having cuss words.

Helloooo Newman: Total eclipse of the brain

Helloooo Newman: Total eclipse of the brain: Has everyone gone mad? Cancel school because of the eclipse? Wear special glasses? Watch it at nighttime, like me. Dummies

Total eclipse of the brain

Has everyone gone mad?

Cancel school because of the eclipse?

Wear special glasses?

Watch it at nighttime, like me.

Dummies

Helloooo Newman: KIA

Helloooo Newman: KIA: I've been car shopping recently. Was considering a KIA, but I think it's really inappropriate to name a car Killed In Action. Rude a...

KIA

I've been car shopping recently.

Was considering a KIA, but I think it's really inappropriate to name a car Killed In Action.

Rude and insensitive.

Helloooo Newman: Master Rebater

Helloooo Newman: Master Rebater: Why hasn't Trudeau sent me another grocery rebate? I need to buy more food (beer). The price of food  (beer)  just keeps going up and up...

Master Rebater

Why hasn't Trudeau sent me another grocery rebate?

I need to buy more food (beer).

The price of food (beer) just keeps going up and up.

A guy's gotta eat (beer).

Helloooo Newman: Advil

Helloooo Newman: Advil: From the makers of Advil comes Subtractvil. If you just don't feel like sex tonight and you need a believable excuse, Subtractvil gives ...

Advil

From the makers of Advil comes Subtractvil.

If you just don't feel like sex tonight and you need a believable excuse, Subtractvil gives you that headache you so desperately need.

Great for all occasions. Take a day off work. Skip that golf game you suck at anyway. Uncertain about your upcoming wedding?

Skip it! And everyone will believe you. Because it's a real headache.

With Subtractvil.

Subtract the annoying things out of life.

Helloooo Newman: In-between the lines

Helloooo Newman: In-between the lines: I read somewhere that all the best writers challenge you to read in-between the lines. So I wrote a blog with just the important stuff in-be...

In-between the lines

I read somewhere that all the best writers challenge you to read in-between the lines.

So I wrote a blog with just the important stuff in-between the lines.

Let me know what you think.

Enjoy…

Helloooo Newman: Chicken counting

Helloooo Newman: Chicken counting: I heard someone say that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch. Really? How about if you own a Swiss Chalet franchise. It&...

Chicken counting

I heard someone say that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch.

Really?

How about if you own a Swiss Chalet franchise.

It's Christmas time. Festive specials are flying out the door.

Hey Frank, how many chickens do we have left? Are we running out?

Dunno. You told me not to count them.

Boom. You're out of business.

Helloooo Newman: ASSCII

Helloooo Newman: ASSCII: I swear, sometimes I feel like I get texts messages in my ass. Let me tell you, checking them is not enjoyable.

ASSCII

I swear, sometimes I feel like I get text messages in my ass.

Let me tell you, checking them is not enjoyable.

Helloooo Newman: Biden his time

Helloooo Newman: Biden his time: I'll be honest, I hope Biden wins. I'll be honest, Biden reminds me of my grandfather while dropping Bengay and Metamucil in a sauna...

Biden his time

I'll be honest, I hope Biden wins.

I'll be honest, Biden reminds me of my grandfather while dropping Bengay and Metamucil in a sauna.

Bengay and Metamucil are proud sponsors of this blog.

Helloooo Newman: Tell it like it is

Helloooo Newman: Tell it like it is: If someone files your toenails, shouldn't that be called a pedifile?

Tell it like it is

If someone files your toenails, shouldn't that be called a pedifile?

Helloooo Newman: Out to lunch?

Helloooo Newman: Out to lunch?: Why are people always out to lunch? I wake up stupid in the morning sometimes and that's out to breakfast.

Out to lunch?

Why are people always out to lunch?

I wake up stupid in the morning sometimes and that's out to breakfast.

Helloooo Newman: Climate Fun Killer

Helloooo Newman: Climate Fun Killer: Under new Liberal legislation, it will be against the law to enjoy nice weather during winter. Statements like "what a nice February da...

Climate Fun Killer

Under new Liberal legislation, it will be against the law to enjoy nice weather during winter.

Statements like "what a nice February day" and "wow, this is patio weather, let's get a beer" will be strictly monitored and punishable by 2 weeks locked in an abandoned meat freezer. 

Think it's warm enough to wear shorts? Think again.

February short-wearing people will spend July in a full-body ski suit. Gotta learn, people!

Remember.

IT'S WINTER.

Stop enjoying the nice weather.

Helloooo Newman: The Partly Fake News

Helloooo Newman: The Partly Fake News: Justin Trudeau visits Ukraine Calls Putin a weakling War ends!

The Partly Fake News

Justin Trudeau visits Ukraine

Calls Putin a weakling

War ends!

Helloooo Newman: Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto

Helloooo Newman: Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto: The Law & Order franchise is finally coming to Toronto. Congratulations, Toronto. You're finally on par with the average American ci...

Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto

The Law & Order franchise is finally coming to Toronto.

Congratulations, Toronto. You're finally on par with the average American city for gun crime and random subway stabbings. Think of all the actors this will employ.

Hear that noise? That's the Canadian content police partying away. They're the ones who insisted that Law & Order: Toronto be filmed in Toronto. Rules, rules, rules.

In the first episode, a mass casualty event. 

24 people die waiting in traffic on the QEW. 

There's a football game, a baseball game, a Raptors game, a Leaf game, a Bruce Cockburn concert, a bike race in all the bike lanes and a gaggle of Metrolinx employees building an LRT under Lake Ontario because they got lost.

The police, busy counting the extra money they just got from Toronto, take extra time to respond. 

The lawyers, busy prosecuting comedians for telling inappropriate jokes, don't even hear the Dum Dum at the beginning of the show.

Future episodes: 

ArriveCan: Dead on arrival

Metrolinx: The 11 year crime

I predict 200 seasons.

The road less traveled, because it's not built

Look, mom. No roads

The Liberal party of Canada has a new "plan" for Canada.

We gathered a random group of Canadian toddlers, future voters, to ask what they think of the Liberal's new "plan".

The plan: Lots of money for electric cars and batteries. Force people to buy electric cars. Grow the country by millions of people. No more money for roads. More money to $80,000 app, developed for $60 million.

Here's what the toddlers said:

Jimmie: I like flying cars. Are they flying cars?

Carla: This sounds like the mess I just made in my diapers.

Nigel: My daddy likes to swear and drive in the bike lane. Will this mean less swearing?

Timmy: My baby carriage. Will it be electric?

Miranda: I once threw up 60 million peas.

Nuban: Socioeconomically speaking, the transfer of populations across the earth makes sense and is, in some ways, a natural occurrence. Just like when the first hominids ventured out of Africa so long ago. And ontologically speaking, humans are, in the core of their being, curious and adventurous animals. But the need for critical infrastructure to support these migrations are of supreme importance. Hopefully the right decisions will be made.

Nuban is in the gifted program.

There you have it, folks. The first reactions to the Liberal plan for the great nation of Canada. 

How will these toddlers vote when they are of age? Will they move? We can only guess.

With such common sense analysis, I'm ready to vote them in now.

Helloooo Newman: Super Bowlderdash

Helloooo Newman: Super Bowlderdash: I'm rootin' for the 69ers tomorrow.  Really counting on this Taylor Swift guy to touch some downs.

Super Bowlderdash

I'm rootin' for the 69ers tomorrow. 

Really counting on this Taylor Swift guy to touch some downs.

Helloooo Newman: brother of a greater known

Helloooo Newman: brother of a greater known: We all know Rene Descartes famously wrote, I think, therefore I am . In the Latin, that's cogito, ergo sum . Rene had a little-known bro...

brother of a greater known

We all know Rene Descartes famously wrote, I think, therefore I am. In the Latin, that's cogito, ergo sum.

Rene had a little-known brother.

Al a Cartes.

He wrote in the bathroom of a diner, I think I'll have the soup, burger and Boston creme pie, therefore I am hungry.

In the Latin, that's muchiesito, ergo fullum.

Helloooo Newman: Pornflation

Helloooo Newman: Pornflation: Economists have confirmed it. Shrinkflation has hit the porn industry. Instead of increasing prices, they're shrinking the size of penis...

Pornflation

Economists have confirmed it.

Shrinkflation has hit the porn industry.

Instead of increasing prices, they're shrinking the size of penises and boobies.

Have you noticed?

* still searching for a picture for this one

Helloooo Newman: Blinded by the Science Centre

Helloooo Newman: Blinded by the Science Centre: The chorus of babies crying for the Science Centre to stay where it is grows every larger. Who gives a crap. Where you want it. Just because...