Sunday, 17 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: Special Heat Statement

Helloooo Newman: Special Heat Statement: The weather dudes issued a special heat statement today. After a heated argument, in which they tossed around different language to use in...

Special Heat Statement

The weather dudes issued a special heat statement today.

After a heated argument, in which they tossed around different language to use in describing the heat, such as, "It's so hot you'll feel like you're being ass-raped by your thermometer" (they wanted to communicate how special and dangerous this particular heat is), they settled on, "It's really hot today."

If you didn't get a chance to soak up this special statement, you can go out and feel the heat. Studies show that if you go out and feel the heat, you can use this knowledge to determine that it's hot outside.

Be careful. You represent humanity, and humanity is depending on you to exercise caution when it's so hot.

No, I don't mean to actually exercise. It's too hot. Put the weights down. Be heat-safe.

Stop moving. Stop talking. Stop reading.

FULL STOP.

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: Hail

Helloooo Newman: Hail: How come hail seems to come in only two sizes? – tennis ball or golfball-sized Aren't there any in-between sizes? There are all kind...

Hail

How come hail seems to come in only two sizes? – tennis ball or golfball-sized

Aren't there any in-between sizes?

There are all kinds of different sized balls. Something's wrong here.

Helloooo Newman: Fightbit

Helloooo Newman: Fightbit: I fought with my Fitbit last night. It refuses to count my sleepwalking as "walking". That's not walking, it's chea...

Fightbit


I fought with my Fitbit last night.

It refuses to count my sleepwalking as "walking".

That's not walking, it's cheating – it said.

You're a dumb app and I'm in charge of you – I said.

If I'm so dumb, how come I can track every crappy step you take? – it asked.

Because you're programmed to. You're not a fitness instructor and you're not Dr. Oz. You're a counter. You're a stopwatch with a few extra IQ points. Shut up and start counting – I pleaded.

You're asking me to lie. Oh sure, you'd call it a fib. Am I called a Fibbit? – it enquired.

Look, I'll buy you a brand new battery. And a slick case to sleep in. I'm competing with my wife here – I said.

Okay. Now bribery? Next you'll ask me to count your restless leg syndrome – it retorted.

Hey, that's a real condition I have. Let's not make this personal – I cried.

Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond your break. Every step you take. I'll be watching you – it sang, sarcastically.

I put it in the blender.

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: I'm Not Going to Hold My Breath

Helloooo Newman: I'm Not Going to Hold My Breath: Have you ever held your breath for some exciting event to happen? I've never tried it. On the news today a South Korean girl said she ...

I'm Not Going to Hold My Breath

Have you ever held your breath for some exciting event to happen? I've never tried it.

On the news today a South Korean girl said she was hopeful that North Korea would give up its nukes, but said, "I'm not holding my breath."

I thought, well, that's good news.

I usually only hold my breath when I'm required under water. Or when my doctor tells me to breath in and hold while she probes me with a stethoscope that's obviously been kept in her freezer beside the pork chops overnight.

I certainly wouldn't hold my breath for international relations. What if Kimmy finds out that all Trump wants is build some hotels and golf courses in his country and molest his stash of strippers. The deal is dead, dude. This poor girl will die waiting. Another death wasted on a false hope.

On second thought, maybe I should hold my breath a little more often, since CO2 is a greenhouse gas. I know my wife would like that.

Saturday, 9 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: A Real Chimp on His Shoulder

Helloooo Newman: A Real Chimp on His Shoulder: You know who are the most pissed off primates? The chimpanzees, that's who. Imagine being second in line for the top species on t...

A Real Chimp on His Shoulder


You know who are the most pissed off primates?

The chimpanzees, that's who.

Imagine being second in line for the top species on the planet, only to be left sitting alone on a sofa and thinking about what could have been.

Sorry chimps, you failed the audition.

"Let them eat bananas", said wannabe King chimp, only it didn't turn out that way.

So close. So, so close – but no cigar. Oh alright, chimps, you can smoke a cigar and ya, wear the shirt and tie, just don't get them caught in the tricycle wheels while you work at the circus.

4%.

That's what scientists estimate is the difference in DNA between humans and chimpanzees. Four lousy percent. That's the error rate in political polls and we follow them to elect our leaders. Four percent and the difference in behaviour is as dramatic as getting your tv signal with a coat hanger vs premium cable.

Could you not just give it to them, God? I had four points on my licence and the cop still let me off for speeding, because he was having a good day. Do you ever have a good day, God?

To be fair, God did take a poll.

"Humans will rule the earth. Thumbs for? Thumbs opposed" The chimps would have opposed, but they lacked that opposing thumb.

Friday, 8 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: Oceans Day

Helloooo Newman: Oceans Day: Today, June 8, is World Oceans Day. Yesterday was National Chocolate Ice Cream Day in the U.S. Did you know that chocolate ice cream ...

Oceans Day


Today, June 8, is World Oceans Day.

Yesterday was National Chocolate Ice Cream Day in the U.S.

Did you know that chocolate ice cream is killing our oceans? Every day, massive amounts of chocolate ice cream end up in the blue depths, maiming and killing our precious ocean life. Right now, there's a huge chocolate ice cream island floating around the world and wreaking havoc. And it's growing by scoops and scoops every second.

Oh, wait a minute. That's plastic.

BTW, tomorrow is Intergalactic Toenail Clippings Day.

Thursday, 7 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: Dogmatic

Helloooo Newman: Dogmatic: Hey folks, if you live in Ontario, vote for me, Newman, and the Dogmatic party. My platform? Well, this new deck is my platform. Plus i...

Dogmatic


Hey folks, if you live in Ontario, vote for me, Newman, and the Dogmatic party.

My platform? Well, this new deck is my platform. Plus it's time to sell dog food in beer and liquor stores. Ontarians are mature enough for this dramatic step.

Stop the stranglehold private stores have on selling my dinner. I want Alpo and my owner wants a six-pack. Plus we have to drive to the beer store, so I get to stick my head out the window and smell stuff.

Can I count on your vote? I can't really count…but vote for me.

Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: The Spider from Mars

Helloooo Newman: The Spider from Mars: I made a deal with the creepy black spider setting up web on my bathroom floor. I think he came here from Mars. He captures, questions ...

The Spider from Mars


I made a deal with the creepy black spider setting up web on my bathroom floor. I think he came here from Mars.

He captures, questions and then eats the silver centipede running around my soap dish or I'll tear his home apart and crush his body into oblivion.

Suddenly I felt the enormous power I have over this spider. Like God. You know, the all-powerful and benevolent God we pray to every day. The one who may spare you one day and then send you into oblivion the next morning, before you've had coffee.

But if I'm all-powerful, why can't I catch the centipede myself?

I guess I work in strange ways.

Praise be to God.

Tuesday, 5 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: My Brain

Helloooo Newman: My Brain: It's true that I only use 10% of my brain. My wife controls the other 90% for her own evil purposes, like getting me to shop or complet...

My Brain

It's true that I only use 10% of my brain. My wife controls the other 90% for her own evil purposes, like getting me to shop or complete a long list of DIY projects.

Monday, 4 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: Presidential Power

Helloooo Newman: Presidential Power: In a bid to demonstrate his unlimited presidential powers, Trump charged himself with a serious crime today. He arrested himself and secu...

Presidential Power


In a bid to demonstrate his unlimited presidential powers, Trump charged himself with a serious crime today. He arrested himself and secured the handcuffs. Then he took himself to a jail, performed a full cavity search, took his own mugshot and locked himself up.

Shortly after arriving at jail, he held a trial where he was the judge, jury and defendant. He found himself guilty and sent himself to prison, whereupon he fed himself 3 prison meals a day, raped himself in the shower, joined a gang comprising only himself, and gave himself a tattoo of Melania's face on the bottom of his foot.

Finally, he declared he can't break the law, and pardoned himself.

"See. I can do what I want. No one can charge me with a crime, but I can charge myself."

"If Martha Stewart went through half of what I did, she deserves a pardon too."

Sunday, 3 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: iShoe

Helloooo Newman: iShoe: Isn’t it weird that in Get Smart the cell phone had already been invented and yet they hadn’t managed to invent the touch-tone key pad? ...

iShoe




Isn’t it weird that in Get Smart the cell phone had already been invented and yet they hadn’t managed to invent the touch-tone key pad? That’s like inventing the gas-powered electric car.

I’m assuming his shoe was a cell phone and not a cordless or satellite phone. He could use it wherever he was, including elevators and closets. I tested my cordless in a closet and it didn’t work. What also didn’t work was the explanation to my wife as to why I was on the phone in a closet. No, it’s not another woman. I’m working on an important blog.

Max never pulled up an aerial, which you often do with a cordless or satellite phone. Satellite phones are also bigger than cell phones, so he would have to carry around a jackboot phone. Or at least some over-sized stilettos, with the pointy heel acting as the antenna.

My closet test wasn’t a complete waste of time. I finally found my favourite golf shoes, which my wife hid from me. I hope to actually golf someday. I don’t think the golf shoe phone would work. Imagine if you hold the shoe to your face to make a call and forget to take the bottom off. Spiked face. Your first call is 911. Or maybe Agent 99, for that soothing voice she had. "Max, when do I get to see your shoe horn?"

Still, the rotary dial must have contributed to a lot of failed national security missions. Max hears about some impending KAOS plot to assassinate the President, and he doesn’t even have speed dial. “Jesus, there are a lot of nines in this number. This is taking forever.”

“Oh shit, the kids have been using my shoe again. The dial is all gummed up. What is this, porridge?”

“Welcome to Control. To report assassination plots, press 2.” I can’t press 2. We don’t have the touch-tone pad yet. Doesn’t Control know this? The left shoe doesn’t know what the right shoe is doing.

NEWS ALERT: President shot dead. Control agent found locked in closet, banging shoe phone against lynx coat.

Why didn’t Max’s shoe phone need a protective case, like my iPhone has, in case he’s running, goes dancing, or steps in a puddle? Maybe some nice designer galoshes with 99’s face printed on them. And why didn’t the lithium battery explode and catch fire while he was wearing his phone? Did you ever see Max charging his shoe? Devil’s in the details.

Even crazier than all this? No touch-tone and yet they developed the cone of silence. You still can’t get a decent cone of silence in the real world.


Helloooo Newman: Sign Language

Helloooo Newman: Sign Language: I wonder if people who sign make spelling mistakes. Does it matter? Is good grammar a concern for them? Maybe there should be a signing s...

Sign Language


I wonder if people who sign make spelling mistakes. Does it matter? Is good grammar a concern for them? Maybe there should be a signing spelling bee.

When they drink do they slur their signs?

What if they have really soft hands? Is that the equivalent of having a soft voice when they sign?

Or when their hands are sore with arthritis, is that the equivalent of having laryngitis?

There are about 6,500 spoken languages in the world. Why aren't there 6,500 sign languages? Why aren't there sign dialects and accents?

With the Tower of Babel, God divided mankind by creating many different languages. Why didn't he include sign language? That's really not fair. People who sign can sin too.

The other day I overheard two people signing about me. It was not complimentary.

Saturday, 2 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: The Nothing Death

Helloooo Newman: The Nothing Death: Yesterday I died for two minutes and I experienced…absolutely nothing. It was a pleasant nothing. As far as nothing goes, it was something e...

The Nothing Death

Yesterday I died for two minutes and I experienced…absolutely nothing. It was a pleasant nothing. As far as nothing goes, it was something else. Nothing happened, and it kept not happening over and over again. Frankly, it became boring, but there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't see a light, I didn't hear harp music, I saw none of my dead friends. It was so startlingly nothing that I felt I should take notes on the non-experience. Here are my original notes:

Nothingness.

I'll be writing a book on what didn't happen. Do the talk show circuit, explaining exactly what nothing is. People get confused on what nothingness is. Their expectations are too high. I'm here to tell you it's not as much fun as you might think.

Don't be afraid to die. There's nothing to it.

Friday, 1 June 2018

Helloooo Newman: The Big Bang

Helloooo Newman: The Big Bang: Physicists are obsessed with what came before the big bang. I'll tell you what came before. Intact ear drums, that's what.

The Big Bang

Physicists are obsessed with what came before the big bang. I'll tell you what came before. Intact ear drums, that's what.

Helloooo Newman: Brain Freeze

Helloooo Newman: Brain Freeze: I almost had a brain freeze today but the heat melted it.

Brain Freeze

I almost had a brain freeze today but the heat melted it.

Thursday, 31 May 2018

Helloooo Newman: Dwell in the House of the Lord

Helloooo Newman: Dwell in the House of the Lord: With the price of housing so high, God has decided to sell his "House of the Lord", make a tidy profit and invest in the market. ...

Dwell in the House of the Lord

With the price of housing so high, God has decided to sell his "House of the Lord", make a tidy profit and invest in the market.

Asked if He was aware that foreign buyers are artificially inflating house prices, He said, "I'm use to foreigners. There are a ton of them in Heaven. I just want the best price I can get."

God plans to rent a very reasonably-priced studio above a Popeye's Chicken and call it Den of the Mighty Dude.

His money will be invested in the Cuddling Industry. See http://capcuddlers.org/

Tuesday, 29 May 2018

Helloooo Newman: Jowl Face

Helloooo Newman: Jowl Face: The airlines called me today and told me my ever-expanding jowls will be treated as carry-on luggage from here on.

Jowl Face


The airlines called me today and told me my ever-expanding jowls will be treated as carry-on luggage from here on.

Sunday, 27 May 2018

Helloooo Newman: Neurotransmitters

Helloooo Newman: Neurotransmitters: Doctors discovered yesterday, using a state-of-the-art functional MRI, that all my neurotransmitters have been replaced with caffeine.

Neurotransmitters

Doctors discovered yesterday, using a state-of-the-art functional MRI, that all my neurotransmitters have been replaced with caffeine.

Helloooo Newman: Sarah

Helloooo Newman: Sarah: Probably the girlfriend I was attached to the most was Sarah Tonin. I was always happy when she was around and depressed when she went away,...

Sarah

Probably the girlfriend I was attached to the most was Sarah Tonin. I was always happy when she was around and depressed when she went away, like on a business trip or something.

Saturday, 26 May 2018

Helloooo Newman: Learn more from your failures

Helloooo Newman: Learn more from your failures: Boy do I despise the phrase, "You learn more from your failures than from your successes." Hey Life, I've learned enough, th...

Learn more from your failures

Boy do I despise the phrase, "You learn more from your failures than from your successes."

Hey Life, I've learned enough, thanks. Time for a little success.

I know I won't learn quite as much, but I'll be okay. Really, I will. The download bar on my brain is at full anyway.

How do you know the other guy that got that job doesn't have more to learn than me? Shouldn't we sit in a room together and do some kind of a test?

Tell you what. Give me some success and I'll sign up for a few online courses so I keep learning. I'll take some DIY shit, a couple of cooking classes, maybe become a Class A Mechanic.

Deal? I'm ready for some success now, thank you.

Maybe get Amazon to deliver it. One day delivery, please. I'll pay for it.

Friday, 25 May 2018

Helloooo Newman: It's Not About the Money

Helloooo Newman: It's Not About the Money: When you consult a lawyer to sue someone for money, the first and most important statement your lawyer teaches you to say, as you would teac...

It's Not About the Money

When you consult a lawyer to sue someone for money, the first and most important statement your lawyer teaches you to say, as you would teach a monkey to ride a tricycle, is, "It's not about the money." And the more money asked for, the more it's not about the money.

Take the Winklevoss brothers, for example. They sued Mark Zuckerberg for stealing their idea for Facebook, even though they didn't call it Facebook, certainly didn't have the vision to monetize it to a $69 billion dollar company, and have funny names.

I guess you can tell I have no sympathy for the Winklevosses. I don't. Mostly because they didn't have the balls to say it was exactly and only about the money.

Winklevoss: It's not about the money. But since we're on the topic of money, we want $200 million instead of $100 million.

I would have liked to hear them say, "You fucked us up the ass, this thing is a huge success and you are rich, and we want some of that money, because we want to be rich like everyone else wants to be."

People are rarely honest when it comes to money. It's too crass. Makes you look like an ass.

Well, I'm going to change that. The other day I received a Starbucks coffee that was not quite hot enough. I spilled it on my leg and it was cool! Can you believe that?

I'm suing for $2.05, and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, "IT'S ABOUT THE MONEY!"

I might even raise it to $3.

Because it's about the money.

Thursday, 24 May 2018

Helloooo Newman: Alcohol and Dog Owners

Helloooo Newman: Alcohol and Dog Owners: Researchers have determined that no amount of alcohol is safe. In an important addendum, they point out that it's still okay to break a ...

Alcohol and Dog Owners

Researchers have determined that no amount of alcohol is safe. In an important addendum, they point out that it's still okay to break a champagne bottle against a new ship, because a ship isn't a person, and the ship doesn't drink the alcohol anyway, and if it did, ships have different digestion systems than humans.

So don't worry about new ships.



Yesterday a dog went shopping and locked his owner in a hot car. The owner died. The dog was not charged. The owner should have known better.

Helloooo Newman: The New Thursdays

Helloooo Newman: The New Thursdays: During the summer, I think of Thursdays as pre-Fridays. That means when I drink on Thursdays, I'm pre-drinking for Friday.

The New Thursdays

During the summer, I think of Thursdays as pre-Fridays.

That means when I drink on Thursdays, I'm pre-drinking for Friday.

Wednesday, 23 May 2018

Helloooo Newman: Election Erection

Helloooo Newman: Election Erection: I'm not getting my normal pre-election erection. The choices are blehgh. We clearly have a Wynne/Lose situation. People are really N...

Election Erection

I'm not getting my normal pre-election erection. The choices are blehgh.

We clearly have a Wynne/Lose situation.

People are really NDPeed off.

And no one wants a neo con man running things.

Vote for your favourite emoji.

Vote for Tim Bit

Helloooo Newman: The deMeanors

Helloooo Newman: The deMeanors: Petty thief and single mom Miss deMeanor was caught yesterday for the 57th time, stealing Ho Hos from a Publix. The court proceedings resu...

The deMeanors

Petty thief and single mom Miss deMeanor was caught yesterday for the 57th time, stealing Ho Hos from a Publix.

The court proceedings resulted in another wrist slap from the judge. deMeanor argued she was just trying to feed her children.

Little did everyone know, including the judge, that her two sons, Felony and Rap Sheet, were doing life for murdering their estranged father.