Tuesday, 21 May 2019

Helloooo Newman: Vital Organs or Good TV

Helloooo Newman: Vital Organs or Good TV: I put my name on a list for a new kidney. Then I realized I already have my name on the petition to redo GOT season 8. Can my name be on t...

Vital Organs or Good TV

I put my name on a list for a new kidney. Then I realized I already have my name on the petition to redo GOT season 8.

Can my name be on two lists? If not, do I really need a new kidney to enjoy life?

Saturday, 18 May 2019

Helloooo Newman: Beyoncé

Helloooo Newman: Beyoncé: I would propose to Beyoncé just so I could say Beyoncé is my fiancé.

Beyoncé

I would propose to Beyoncé just so I could say Beyoncé is my fiancé.
And for the prenup, of course.

Helloooo Newman: Fetch Your Shtick

Helloooo Newman: Fetch Your Shtick: Newman wants to be a standup comedian so instead of saying "fetch your stick" I say "fetch your shtick."

Fetch Your Shtick

Newman wants to be a standup comedian so instead of saying "fetch your stick" I say "fetch your shtick."

Wednesday, 15 May 2019

Helloooo Newman: Enjoy your Funeral

Helloooo Newman: Enjoy your Funeral: A new study found that two cups of coffee a day helps you live longer. The downside is even when you do die, you'll still be awake for y...

Enjoy your Funeral

A new study found that two cups of coffee a day helps you live longer. The downside is even when you do die, you'll still be awake for your funeral.

Tuesday, 7 May 2019

Helloooo Newman: Impossible Whopper

Helloooo Newman: Impossible Whopper: I tried Burger King's Impossible meatless Whopper. It was delicious. Here's some advice on enjoying it properly. When you add the ...

Impossible Whopper

I tried Burger King's Impossible meatless Whopper. It was delicious. Here's some advice on enjoying it properly.

When you add the bacon, pulled pork and beef drippings to it, wait a bit. You'll want the disgusting patty to have time to absorb the wonderful meat flavour.

Enjoy!

Monday, 6 May 2019

Helloooo Newman: Royal Baby Vomit

Helloooo Newman: Royal Baby Vomit: Seeing all the coverage of the new Royal Baby makes me want to vomit like a little baby. Too bad my vomit isn't Royal Baby vomit. ...

Puking for the Prince


Seeing all the coverage of the new Royal Baby makes me want to vomit like a little baby. Maybe even poop my diapers.

Too bad my vomit/poop isn't Royal Baby vomit/poop.

Of course, he's only 7th in line to the crown. I was once 3rd in line to coach my daughters soccer team when she was 6. Little buggers couldn't play worth shit, so I took my name out of the running. Best decision I've ever made.

Oops. Some spittle coming.

Sunday, 5 May 2019

Helloooo Newman: New Species

Helloooo Newman: New Species: Scientists have discovered a new species they call Homo Anus . Homo Anus was a very bright species that created their own spoken language,...

New Species

Scientists have discovered a new species they call Homo Anus.

Homo Anus was a very bright species that created their own spoken language, emitted entirely out of their assholes. A widespread epidemic of hemorrhoids killed Homo Anus off around 10 million years ago, long before the invention of Preparation H.

Fragments of Homo Anus DNA can be found in any Homo Sapien that runs for political office and wins.

Friday, 3 May 2019

Helloooo Newman: You're Getting Younger

Helloooo Newman: You're Getting Younger: Cosmologists have discovered that the universe is a billion years younger than previously thought. So why do I look so old? It's also...

You're Getting Younger

Cosmologists have discovered that the universe is a billion years younger than previously thought. So why do I look so old?

It's also expanding faster than previously thought. That explains my stomach. But why the jowls?

Monday, 29 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: Climate Change – The Political View

Helloooo Newman: Climate Change – The Political View: I guess it's only politicians that get to run around screaming about the dangers of climate change and we need to change the way we live...

Climate Change – The Political View

I guess it's only politicians that get to run around screaming about the dangers of climate change and we need to change the way we live and then run to some other place and cut a ribbon to celebrate the opening of new car factories that create the environment that requires them to run around screaming about the dangers of climate change and we need to change the way we live.

Saturday, 27 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: Small Business Owner

Helloooo Newman: Small Business Owner: People call me a small business owner. First of all, I'm 5 feet 8 inches, which is in the 70th percentile for heights. And that's ...

Small Business Owner

People call me a small business owner.

First of all, I'm 5 feet 8 inches, which is in the 70th percentile for heights. And that's when I'm not puffing myself up to look bigger, I haven't washed my hair so it's really flat, and I have no clothes on.

Plus, my ideas are really big.

Just call me a business owner and stop discriminating.

Saturday, 20 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: Redacted Marriage

Helloooo Newman: Redacted Marriage: With the Mueller Report fresh in everyone's minds, I am reviewing that Prenup my wife made me sign. Especially the redacted parts. Very ...

Redacted Marriage

With the Mueller Report fresh in everyone's minds, I am reviewing that Prenup my wife made me sign. Especially the redacted parts. Very suspicious, indeed.

Friday, 19 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: New Bacon

Helloooo Newman: New Bacon: In a miraculous achievement, scientists have revived the dead brains of pigs. The pigs are doing well and will soon be available in your s...

New Bacon

In a miraculous achievement, scientists have revived the dead brains of pigs.

The pigs are doing well and will soon be available in your supermarket as "born again bacon".

https://www.bbc.com/news/health-47960874

Wednesday, 17 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: Wagging or Biting

Helloooo Newman: Wagging or Biting: We all know that for humans, smiling uses less muscles than frowning. Scientists have discovered a similar thing in dogs. It takes less mu...

Wagging or Biting

We all know that for humans, smiling uses fewer muscles than frowning.

Scientists have discovered a similar thing in dogs. It takes fewer muscles to wag their tail than to viciously attacked someone, latch onto their neck and then violently shake and kill them.

One unlucky scientists is currently testing this finding on lions, tigers, pumas, cheetahs, leopards, wildebeest, and Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Monday, 15 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: Investigative Journalism

Helloooo Newman: Investigative Journalism: People say that investigative journalism is dead. Not so. It's getting better and better. My favourite kind of journalism is the kind ...

Investigative Journalism

People say that investigative journalism is dead.

Not so. It's getting better and better. My favourite kind of journalism is the kind where "reporters" sit at home jacking off to Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen in the first episode of the LAST SEASON of Game of Thrones and then jack off some more as they write articles spoiling it for people who didn't have time to jack off last night to the premiere. Of the LAST SEASON.

I'm sending the Knight King after them.

Saturday, 13 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: Magnetic Field

Helloooo Newman: Magnetic Field: Here's an article saying that the earth's magnetic field is weakening 10 times faster than previously thought. I'm not sure bu...

Magnetic Field

Here's an article saying that the earth's magnetic field is weakening 10 times faster than previously thought.

I'm not sure but I think that's why all my fridge magnets fell off last night. I thought maybe it was a burglar who went to make a sandwich, was pissed there's was nothing good to eat and slammed the door.

If the magnetic field weakens enough, everyone will get cancer and the human race will die.

Wow. That's a lot to handle. Let's take care of the fridge magnet thing first.

https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2019-04-12/weakening-earths-magnetic-field-has-greatly-accelerated

Helloooo Newman: My Wife's Purse

Helloooo Newman: My Wife's Purse: The first-ever picture of the black hole is actually a picture of the inside of my wife's purse. You can't find anything in it. Just...

My Wife's Purse

The first-ever picture of the black hole is actually a picture of the inside of my wife's purse. You can't find anything in it. Just complete blackness. Nothing escapes it, not even light. Well, occasionally her Visa escapes. Like, maybe every day. It was last seen at Harrods so if you see it can you call me?

But mostly, nothing.

Wednesday, 10 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: Black Hole is a Fake

Helloooo Newman: Black Hole is a Fake: A group of scientists gone rogue have revealed that the black hole picture is a fake. It's actually a picture of Stephen Miller's so...

Black Hole is a Fake

A group of scientists gone rogue have revealed that the black hole picture is a fake. It's actually a picture of Stephen Miller's soul, taken during an especially painful colonoscopy.

Sunday, 7 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: Vacuum Deaths

Helloooo Newman: Vacuum Deaths: Newman refuses to read the stats. There has never been a dog who has died a vacuum-related death. None. Vacuuming is safer than flying, ...

Vacuum Deaths

Newman refuses to read the stats. There has never been a dog who has died a vacuum-related death.

None.

Vacuuming is safer than flying, for dogs. More dogs slip and hurt themselves while being given a bath by their owner than from vacuuming.

You cannot get a perforated colon from vacuuming. But you can from eating chicken bones, which Newman does every time I take him to KFC.

And yet, when time I turn on the vacuum, he runs in terror. As if, finally, I've decided to carry out my plans of canine murder.

It's simple ignorance on his part. I wish he would read up on it.

Ignorance will get him in the end, not vacuuming.

Saturday, 6 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: Baby Toenail

Helloooo Newman: Baby Toenail: Why does the baby toe have a nail? Look at the thing. It's useless. Ugly as all hell. I'm sure you could rip it off and your foot...

Baby Toenail


Why does the baby toe have a nail? Look at the thing. What's it doing there? Not protecting much, that's for sure. Ugly as all hell. I'm sure you could rip it off and your foot wouldn't even mind.

It's like the Pluto of toenails. Way out on the edge. Not even a planet. Just a big hunk of mess floating around for no good reason.

It's time scientists took away the status of the baby toenail as a nail. It's a toe tumour. Remove it at birth. Pedicurists should refuse to even touch it.

Friday, 5 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: Trillions of Pesos from the Bezos

Helloooo Newman: Trillions of Pesos from the Bezos: Shit, I would have married the guy if I new we would get divorced. I mean, I think. Ya…um…well…okay, maybe not. Yes. For sure, yes. M...

Trillions of Pesos from the Bezos


Shit, I would have married the guy if I new we would get divorced. I mean, I think. Ya…um…well…okay, maybe not.

Yes. For sure, yes.

Maybe.

Helloooo Newman: iHeaven

Helloooo Newman: iHeaven: After buying all the clouds and calling it the iCloud, Apple has now purchased Heaven. It will be called iHeaven, obviously. When you di...

iHeaven

After buying all the clouds and calling it the iCloud, Apple is moving up and has purchased Heaven.

It will be called iHeaven, obviously.

When you die, there will be a monthly charge to store yourself in iHeaven. You receive a certain amount of iHeaven storage free. Probably enough to store the appendages of your average male or female. Anything above that (the torso, head, genitalia) will be subject to a hefty fee. If you are overweight or thick-boned, it will cost even more, so be sure to lose weight just before you go.

There are plans available for people who die with no money. This will be negotiated in iLimbo, on your journey to iHeaven.

Good luck.

Thursday, 4 April 2019

Helloooo Newman: Olds

Helloooo Newman: Olds: Why do we call it old news? Isn't it just olds?

Olds

Why do we call it old news? Isn't it just olds?

Helloooo Newman: Google Search

Helloooo Newman: Google Search: Do you ever Google-search old classmates to see if they've aged worse than you, and then do a mini-celebration in your head when they lo...

Google Search

Do you ever Google-search old classmates to see if they've aged worse than you, and then do a mini-celebration in your head when they look like crap? "Shit, I look so much better than them."

Nah, me neither.