Friday, 29 April 2022

Helloooo Newman: Shit-Yikes-Yipee

Helloooo Newman: Shit-Yikes-Yipee: Shit-yikes-yipee. For the first time in 3 years, I'm going to a house party. With more than 2 people in attendance. I'm mixed-emotin...

Shit-Yikes-Yipee

Shit-yikes-yipee.

For the first time in 3 years, I'm going to a house party. With more than 2 people in attendance.

I'm mixed-emoting right now. 🍺😷

Rapid testing. Rapid drinking. Rapid talking. I'm leaning in, from 6 feet away.

Since I'm an Apple user, I downloaded iMmunity.

Swipe left and I'm invincible. Problem is, once it's in my body, the battery only last 2 hours and then I have to plug myself in for 1 hour. Excuse me, is that USB port free?

Hey, can you come here and talk? My cord isn't that long. Those were my first words when I was born.

I was walking through the cemetery the other day and they have this sign that says please keep 6 feet away from other people.

That's easy, I thought. Aren't they all 6 feet under?

Wish me luck.

Friday, 1 April 2022

The Russian Army is Crushing It

Seems like Russian soldiers aren't too happy about bombing maternity wards, killing pregnant women and babies, as well as dying themselves. Add to that having to steal food from the people they're killing. Not a drop of caviar in sight. Oh, forgot the frostbite they are getting, even though this lesson was learned by the Germans back in WW2.

They've come up with an ingenious solution. I wish I had thought of this for a couple of my old bosses.

On tank regiment got a little tired of their boss barking orders at them. "Yes, that baby hospital is a secret military installation - destroy it.". Well, they didn't want to hear that, so they ran over his legs with the tank. So far no new orders from this boss.

Russian commanders that are run over by tanks are now part of the Crushian army.

Helloooo Newman: The Russian Army is Crushing It

Helloooo Newman: The Russian Army is Crushing It: Seems like Russian soldiers aren't too happy about killing pregnant women and babies, bombing maternity wards, as well as dying themselv...

Thursday, 31 March 2022

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Shade-a on Jada

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Shade-a on Jada: Personally, I think G.I. Jada has a nice ring to it, and with the extra money Chris Rock is making at his concerts, he should produce the m...

Throwing Shade-a on Jada

Personally, I think G.I. Jada has a nice ring to it, and with the extra money Chris Rock is making at his concerts, he should produce the movie. 

Jada – the real Jada – would have to audition, of course. No freebies for such privileged movie stars.

I suppose Will could be the evil drill Sergeant. He's already passed his audition.

Oh, come on. It's a G.I. Jada joke.

Wednesday, 30 March 2022

Women's Movement

In an effort to advance the Women's Movement boldly into the future, one enlightened female celebrity commented that what Will Smith did was great because "that's what a man is supposed to do for his woman."

Helloooo Newman: Women's Movement

Helloooo Newman: Women's Movement: In a statement that advances the Women's Movement boldly into the future, one enlightened female celebrity commented that what Will Smit...

Tuesday, 29 March 2022

Helloooo Newman: Daycare Digs

Helloooo Newman: Daycare Digs: Gonna book myself into Ontario's $10 daycare. Can't live for less than that. Just have to convince someone I'm a toddler, which ...

Daycare Digs

Gonna book myself into Ontario's $10 daycare. Can't live for less than that. Just have to convince someone I'm a toddler, which has never been a problem.

Monday, 28 March 2022

Helloooo Newman: Water into Wine

Helloooo Newman: Water into Wine: Since the advent of global warming, ice wine will now be called melted water wine.

Water into Wine

Since the advent of global warming, ice wine will now be called melted water wine.


Helloooo Newman: A Slap in the Face to All Great Actors

Helloooo Newman: A Slap in the Face to All Great Actors: The overlooked tragedy of the Oscar slap heard 'round the world is that Will Smith won for best actor.

A Slap in the Face to All Great Actors

The overlooked tragedy of the Oscar slap heard 'round the world is that Will Smith won for best actor.

Sunday, 20 March 2022

Helloooo Newman: Beer Brain

Helloooo Newman: Beer Brain: Well, it's official. Scientists say that drinking any amount of alcohol is bad for the human brain. No exceptions, like if you're Ei...

Beer Brain

Well, it's official. Scientists say that drinking any amount of alcohol is bad for the human brain. No exceptions, like if you're Einstein or Carrot Top.

What they missed is that it's really awesome for the human mind.

And that's really the point, isn't it?

Monday, 14 March 2022

Politics as Usual

 

Ukrainian MP inviting Putin to come get her



Canadian PM inviting photographers to snap his skinny pants
(which totally went out, like, last year)

Helloooo Newman: Politics as Usual

Helloooo Newman: Politics as Usual:   Ukrainian MP inviting Putin to come get her Canadian PM inviting photographers to snap his skinny pants

Tuesday, 8 March 2022

Helloooo Newman: Over 64 Billion Not Sold

Helloooo Newman: Over 64 Billion Not Sold: The gloves are off. No McDonalds in Russia anymore. Pewtin can scratch that off the list of things he wants.

Over 64 Billion Not Sold

The gloves are off. No McDonalds in Russia anymore. Pewtin can scratch that off the list of things he wants.

Friday, 4 March 2022

Helloooo Newman: These Days

Helloooo Newman: These Days: I'm so glad Spring is close at hand. And the pandemic seems to be waning. Except for the hint of an impending global thermonuclear war, ...

These Days

I'm so glad Spring is close at hand. And the pandemic seems to be waning.

Except for the hint of an impending global thermonuclear war, things are looking up.

Oh, and the UN climate committee has told us that it's basically too late for humanity and we won't survive climate change. But we should keep trying to prevent it, anyway. Take our minds off extinction.

Some good news. My doctor no longer asks me to cut down on my drinking. Turns out drinking a lot is still healthier than nuclear war or extinction.

I'm kind of hoping someone gives Putin a piece of paper and he divides it in two. On the left side he lists the benefits of starting a nuclear war and on the right side the costs.

Here's my list:

Benefits:



Costs:

Everything



I've also been reading a lot about happiness. How to achieve it. Different scenarios that you might face and how to use your thinking powers to find the happiness in them. How to take a nothing day and certainly make it all seem worth while.

In flipping through my happiness book, I can't find anything on handling global thermonuclear war. That sure is an oversight. I think they need an appendix or something. Normally the appendix is useless, especially in humans, but not in this case.

Another funny thing I've noticed. How true some of those bad old clichés are. Remember the cold war phrase "better dead than red". Stupid, shallow, meaningless. Except that's the choice Ukraine is facing every day. They'd rather fight and die than live under Putin's puffy bobble head regime. Me too.

Evil empire. That's what Reagan called the Soviet Union. And we all laughed. What a bonehead. Doesn't understand history. Shallow. Except Putin is sending Russian protesters to the front lines to die in his war. To rebuild the Soviet Union. That meets my definition of the "E" word.

Ho hum, back to building my underground shelter.

Tuesday, 1 March 2022

Helloooo Newman: Stinging Sensation

Helloooo Newman: Stinging Sensation: Soooooo. Sting was right all along in his geopolitical analysis back in 1985. "I hope the Russians love their children too."

Stinging Sensation


Soooooo.

Sting was right all along in his geopolitical analysis back in 1985.

"I hope the Russians love their children too."


Saturday, 26 February 2022

Helloooo Newman: Regime

Helloooo Newman: Regime: Oh good grief. Another regime the Americans will have to change. Busy, busy, busy.

Regime

Oh good grief. Another regime the Americans will have to change. Busy, busy, busy.

Friday, 25 February 2022

Helloooo Newman: Embargo

Helloooo Newman: Embargo: You never hear the word embargo anymore. It was huge in the 70s. Remember the oil embargo? Okay, neither do I. Anyway, it's time to plac...

Embargo

You never hear the word embargo anymore. It was huge in the 70s. Remember the oil embargo? Okay, neither do I.

Anyway, it's time to place an embargo on all Russian products. Including their porn. It sucks. Lousy lighting, everyone's drunk. From what I've heard, anyway.

Monday, 21 February 2022

Helloooo Newman: Butt Dial

Helloooo Newman: Butt Dial: I use to butt dial people back when it wasn't cool. Back when I had a rotary phone.

Butt Dial

I use to butt dial people back when it wasn't cool. Back when I had a rotary phone.

Thursday, 10 February 2022

Helloooo Newman: Sold Out of Gazpacho

Helloooo Newman: Sold Out of Gazpacho: No. I'm not going to write any gazpacho jokes. No Gestapo jokes either. Same for Marjorie Taylor Greene jokes. Why would I write a joke ...

Sold Out of Gazpacho

No. I'm not going to write any gazpacho jokes.

No Gestapo jokes either.

Same for Marjorie Taylor Greene jokes. Why would I write a joke about her when she is a joke?

This is one of those incidents that has all the humour it will ever have baked right into it. It's a complete, all-inclusive funny package that will outlive humanity. To write a joke about it sullies its purity as comedy. There is absolutely no joke that can overcome the brilliance of "gazpacho police". 

If you think you're a brilliant comedian because you came up with a clever joke about "gazpacho police", you aren't. You are boring and trite. Go back to sleep.

Please. I urge you. Leave it alone. Let it do its good work in the universe. This comedy gold deserves our silence and respect.


Tuesday, 8 February 2022

Helloooo Newman: Outside the Box

Helloooo Newman: Outside the Box: Aren't you sick of the phrase think outside the box ? Everyone says it, convinced that they're the first ones to think of it and it&...

Outside the Box

Aren't you sick of the phrase think outside the box? Everyone says it, convinced that they're the first ones to think of it and it's premium creative advice. Read LinkedIn for two minutes and 500 people tell you to do it.

Hey, what should I do for my next blog?

Uh, try thinking outside the box.

Thank you, Shakespeare. I will.

It's a cliché. It's the paragon of clichés. The apotheosis. Yet so jejune.

"Paragon", "apotheosis" and "jejune" are mysterious creative words I found in a box, and took them out for this blog.

Think about it. We're employing a clich̩ to urge someone to be creative and original. We're actually still trapped in the box. The box is a package from Amazon Рcovered in duct tape and impossible to open.

Some people, in an attempt to break out of this box, will introduce a clever, yet very tired, twist to the clich̩. Imagine you have a storage company where people can store their shit. But it's a unique storage company, like no other. Their tag line Рthink outside the storage unit.

Hey, I see what you did there. Very creative. Sign me up. I have some special shit to store at your special company.

Maybe no one can really think outside the box. Maybe it's like a Russian Doll. Think outside one doll and you're instantly trapped in another doll. It's dolls all the way up.

So what should replace think outside the box?

Well, I would have to think outside of it to answer that, wouldn't I?

Thursday, 3 February 2022

Helloooo Newman: Fund Times in Canada

Helloooo Newman: Fund Times in Canada: To support the truckers, I gave to gofuckyourselfnotme. Donated a crypto currency called bytemecoin. Hope it helps.

Fund Times in Canada

To support the truckers, I gave to gofuckyourselfnotme. Donated a crypto currency
called bytemecoin.

Hope it helps.

Tuesday, 1 February 2022

Helloooo Newman: Defined

Helloooo Newman: Defined: I don't want to define myself by my past trauma so today I decided I wouldn't be defined by the dictionary.

Defined

I don't want to define myself by my past trauma so as a first step I decided I wouldn't be defined by the dictionary.

Friday, 28 January 2022

Helloooo Newman: Not Anti, Just Antsy

Helloooo Newman: Not Anti, Just Antsy: Some people aren't against vaccines. They're just afraid to get it. They are antsy-vaccine. Pretty convenient, isn't it? Being a...

Not Anti, Just Antsy

Some people aren't against vaccines. They're just afraid to get it.

They are antsy-vaccine.

Pretty convenient, isn't it? Being against something without being against it. Just like our finest politicians.

Then we have the truckers who, again, aren't against vaccines, they just don't want to be told what to do.

We can treat them like 4-year-olds. Convince them it was their idea to get the shot.

No, Billy, you can't have that shot. Not a chance. Okay, I'm against it, but if you insist. You gonna eat that donut?

What about the anti-syringe group? We'll have to wait for a pill. Or put the vaccine in cigarettes. Because they care what they put in their bodies. 

Thursday, 27 January 2022

Helloooo Newman: Trucked in the Head

Helloooo Newman: Trucked in the Head: Well, that's it! Not looking to truckers anymore for advice on how to lead a smart life.

Trucked in the Head


Well, that's it! Not looking to truckers anymore for advice on how to lead a smart life.


Wednesday, 26 January 2022

Helloooo Newman: A Dime from the Dead

Helloooo Newman: A Dime from the Dead: I usually bow out of a conversation when someone starts it with, "You know, I'm not superstitious, but…" The current superstit...

A Dime from the Dead

I usually bow out of a conversation when someone starts it with, "You know, I'm not superstitious, but…"

The current superstition making the rounds (Facebook, where I gain all my scientific knowledge) has us believe that finding a dime on the ground is a "hello" from the dead.

I'm dead serious. Wondering what your dead relatives are up to? Collecting pocket change. Not on a street corner, thankfully. Hey, can you play Death Metal on that harp?

Look, I hate to impose logic on an emotional state of being, but…COME ON.

If dead people have the power to sprinkle money around, why only a dime? Jesus, with inflation it should at least be a quarter. What about a dime in cryptocurrency? Can they leave that? Why not help me pay my mortgage, dead person? I have to live in a house – you get a free cloud.

If dollar amount is ever a reflection of love, this is it. You have this glorious power to make money appear and it's a lousy dime. Ya, miss you too. See you in Heaven, cheapskate.

Here's my promise to you. When I'm dead, you'll be finding fifty dollar bills on your way to the grocery store. Make it a C-note if you say nice things about me.

Make it a nice cool "G". Why do I care? I don't need it. I get money anytime I want.

Or do I need an Angel investor?