Helloooo Newman: and the Oscar goes to…

Helloooo Newman: and the Oscar goes to…: Hopefully the supreme court will rule soon on who exactly should have been nominated from Barbie .

and the Oscar goes to…

Hopefully the supreme court will rule soon on who exactly should have been nominated from Barbie.

Helloooo Newman: Back to basics

Helloooo Newman: Back to basics: It's back to basics for kindergarten in Ontario. From climate change, gender politics and rewriting history to poopy pants, telling on y...

Back to basics

It's back to basics for kindergarten in Ontario.

From climate change, gender politics and rewriting history to poopy pants, telling on your friends and running in the yard. It will be a hard adjustment for our children.

Also, no tobogganing in class.

Helloooo Newman: Twisted leader

Helloooo Newman: Twisted leader:   In case you didn't recognize her, this is Sophie Trudeau. Probably on that Jamaican beach that cost Justin $100,000 to stay for the we...

Twisted leader

 

In case you didn't recognize her, this is Sophie Trudeau. Probably on that Jamaican beach that cost Justin $100,000 to stay for the week over Christmas.

Sorry, he didn't actually pay for it. After first saying he did pay for it. Did you know some of his assistants had to stay at nice resorts near him? At taxpayer's expense! In case he needed his swimming trunks pressed. I applied for that job, but decided my efforts where better spent here helping Metrolinx build their subway. I figured I know as much about subway-building as they do.

Turns out Sophie is starting a new career as a yoga instructor. Her first client will be Justin. Apart from the health benefits, the best part of yoga is Justin learning to twist himself into all kinds of different shapes justifying to Canadians why he needs a week-long $100,000 vacation.

Joe Biden, who is currently risking his political ass using military might to keep all our Amazon orders freely flowing through the Red Sea, has not managed the time for a $100,000 week-long vacation. Oh, and the small feat of beating the world's number one terrorist. Trump.

It was Jane Austin who wrote, "it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife, and a $100,000 week-long vacation."

Okay. I added that last part. A quote from Pride and Prejudice, both of which Justin has. Remember the black face?

Justin is up on his resorts but down in the poles. Sorry, I meant polls. He's quite popular in the North and South poles polls, where no one has heard of him.

Anyway, I'm sure with a little effort and a very large can of Silvo, Justin will improve his tarnished reputation.

The future of $100,000 beach yoga is riding on it.

Helloooo Newman: Not funny ha ha

Helloooo Newman: Not funny ha ha: Any material you find on this site that's not funny was written by Jo Koy. If you book an appointment, Mr. Koy will come to your house a...

Not funny ha ha

Any material you find on this site that's not funny was written by Jo Koy.

If you book an appointment, Mr. Koy will come to your house and personally apologize for not making you laugh. 

You don't even have to say anything to him. Just purse your lips, a la Taylor Swift.

Mr. Koy will not be coy. He will blame me for the bad material.

But it's all his fault!

Helloooo Newman: The year of living expensively

Helloooo Newman: The year of living expensively: This is the Toronto homeowner answering the call of City Hall

The year of living expensively

This is the Toronto homeowner answering the call of City Hall

Helloooo Newman: In Freeland you get arrested

Helloooo Newman: In Freeland you get arrested: Keep smiling. Bigggggger.  See my teeth? Do that.   I was gonna ask Chrystia Freeland a question yesterday but was afraid I'd get arrest...

In Freeland you get arrested

Keep smiling. Bigggggger. 
See my teeth? Do that.

 

I was gonna ask Chrystia Freeland a question yesterday but was afraid I'd get arrested.

Just wanted to know why she doesn't own a car.

Then it hit me. She uses a taxpayer-funded chauffeur.

Oh shit. RCMP at the door.

Helloooo Newman: Forgetting Facebook

Helloooo Newman: Forgetting Facebook: You know that feature on Facebook that says you have a memory to look back on? That's so annoying. They should have a version for old pe...

Forgetting Facebook

You know that feature on Facebook that says you have a memory to look back on?

That's so annoying.

They should have a version for old people like me: you have no new memories to look back on because you're stinkin' old and can't form any new memories.

Go back to bed.

Helloooo Newman: How was your Christmas?

Helloooo Newman: How was your Christmas?: I hope ya'll had a good Christmas. I sure hope Justin Trudeau did. He definitely put in a good effort. He stayed at a $9500/night resort...

How was your Christmas?

I hope ya'll had a good Christmas.

I sure hope Justin Trudeau did. He definitely put in a good effort.

He stayed at a $9500/night resort in Jamaica. For 10 nights. For free.

Family friend.

It's a former slave plantation. 

Anyway, listen. We can all relax and enjoy 2024 more knowing that "Dundas" will be gone, due to its association with…um…slavery.

PS: It's an ugly rumour that Justin was in black face at this resort. Seems like people confused that with the black eye Sophie gave him.

Helloooo Newman: Booze-free January

Helloooo Newman: Booze-free January: Are you doing a booze-free January like all the other smart people? I am. That's why I'm visiting friends. For free booze. You'r...

Booze-free January

Are you doing a booze-free January like all the other smart people?

I am.

That's why I'm visiting friends. For free booze.

You're next!