Helloooo Newman: An American Education

Helloooo Newman: An American Education: So…there's this doctor on CNN. He was there to advise on how they should respond to the covid crisis. Seems like a smart guy. Smarter th...

An American Education

So…there's this doctor on CNN. He was there to advise on how they should respond to the covid crisis.

Seems like a smart guy. Smarter than me, obviously. Perhaps I could get a Doctorate in Zythology (the study of beer), but even that's iffy. There'd be a lot of beer pressure to drink…beer.

This doctor is in his 70s, I would guess. When asked what he thought of the government's response to covid, he said, "Well, it reminds me of the three Ds. Distressing, depressing, and as we like to say in my family, D-U-M, DUM."

Now, I'm no Road's Scholar, as I've said. Not even a beaten-up-path Scholar or a back-alleyway-where-hookers-hang-out scholar.

But I'm smart enough to see dumb. 

Maybe he was thinking of "dum" or "dumdum" bullets. Those are bullets that explode on impact.

Now that's something every American can spell.

Helloooo Newman: Comrade Covid

Helloooo Newman: Comrade Covid: Vlad Putin just announced that Russia will have a covid vaccine for the world by August 10th. Coincidentally, Russia will run out of vodka a...

Comrade Covid

Vlad Putin just announced that Russia will have a covid vaccine for the world by August 10th. Coincidentally, Russia will run out of vodka at midnight on August 9th.

Helloooo Newman: Democratic Virus

Helloooo Newman: Democratic Virus: In a surprise announcement, the trillions of corona virus in the US will vote as a group for the democrats. Shocking, since all their suppor...

Democratic Virus

In a surprise announcement, the trillions of corona virus in the US will vote as a group for the democrats. Shocking, since all their support comes from Republican politicians.

Said 5 million virus, who represent the group: "Even we know how dangerous we are. You won't hear this on the news but we wear masks around each other. It's a no-brainer".

Republicans refuse to allow the virus to mail in their votes.

Helloooo Newman: Fitting In

Helloooo Newman: Fitting In: I've recently starting taking CBD oil just to fit in.

Fitting In

I've recently starting taking CBD oil just to fit in.

Helloooo Newman: cognidiot

Helloooo Newman: cognidiot: It's certainly not for certain, but it seems more and more Americans would rather live than vote Republican. Scientists are studying thi...

cognidiot

It's certainly not for certain, but it seems more and more Americans would rather live than vote Republican. Scientists are studying this strange phenomenon.

At the same time he's calling for less covid testing, Donald Trump wants to ramp up cognitive testing. "We're the best cognitive testers in the world. There's nothing else like it anywhere." When asked how he did on his cognitive test, he answered, "I tested negative", presumably confusing it with a covid test. Trump suggests the cognitive test should demand the individual say "yo, stop or I'll shoot" backwards, forwards and holding an AR-15.

President Trump fully supports contact tracing. "Last week I traced a picture of an aircraft carrier. Very detailed. All those little planes and radars. Took 5 days. You could attack a country with this tracing. More people should do it."

The FBI has discovered that Mitch McConnell is hoarding potential covid vaccine in his neck. Mr. McConnell also has the distinction of being declared the whitest person in history.

Helloooo Newman: The Masked Blogger

Helloooo Newman: The Masked Blogger: Finally, masks are mandatory. About time.  Pretty smart of me to keep my mask from SARS days. Some laughed. No more.

The Masked Blogger

Finally, masks are mandatory. About time. 

Pretty smart of me to keep my mask from SARS days.

Some laughed. No more.

One Small Step for Man

It's one small step for Man, one giant leap for Ontarians.

Yes, the province that once required you to fill out a form (name and phone number) to buy beer now allows you to drink on a patio WITHOUT a child-proof fence surrounding you – protecting you from certain death.

That means people are drinking on…the streets.

Maybe some day the LCBO can be called what it really is…a LIQUOUR store.

Shhhhhhh.

Helloooo Newman: One Small Step for Man

Helloooo Newman: One Small Step for Man: It's one small step for Man, one giant leap for Ontarians. Yes, the province that once required you to fill out a form (name and phone...

Helloooo Newman: Free Energy

Helloooo Newman: Free Energy: I don't get why I have to conserve energy. The first law of thermodynamics tells us energy is already conserved. The second law of the...

Free Energy

I don't get why I have to conserve energy. The first law of thermodynamics tells us energy is already conserved.

The second law of thermodynamics tells us that entropy, or disorder, always increases. This explains the hair constantly growing in my ears and not on my head.

The third law is too confusing and I'm tired from thinking.

Helloooo Newman: Bean Counter

Helloooo Newman: Bean Counter: I've never been a fan of predictions. They're like assholes. Everyone's got one, and the vast majority stink. People suck at m...

Bean Counter

I've never been a fan of predictions. They're like assholes. Everyone's got one, and the vast majority stink.

People suck at making accurate predictions. And you know who's the worst at predicting? Experts, believe it or not. Yup. Research shows that experts over-analyze and tend to discount the importance of random, out-of-the-blue events.

Having said all this, I'm kind of proud that I predicted a president of the United States would some day, from the Oval Office, peddle a can of beans with a huge smile on his leader-of-the-free-world face. 

It wasn't a perfect prediction. I wasn't sure which president, or which brand of beans. If I'm honest, I didn't even know the type of bean. No one can predict with that kind of accuracy. But somehow I just knew it was gonna happen.

Wait until you see what's coming next.

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Defunding

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Defunding: I wish people would gather in large groups and call for defunding my wife's VISA card.

The Importance of Defunding

I wish people would gather in large groups and call for defunding my wife's VISA card.

Helloooo Newman: Weight of the World

Helloooo Newman: Weight of the World: Haven't slept very well for a while. Feel like I have the weight of the world on me. Last night I realized it was my weighted blanket....

Weight of the World

Haven't slept very well for a while. Feel like I have the weight of the world on me.

Last night I realized it was my weighted blanket. I'm not carrying that burden anymore.

Sheets from now on.

Helloooo Newman: Degrees of Freedom

Helloooo Newman: Degrees of Freedom: Fuck it's hot out, ain't it? Way too hot to cook bacon in a 400 degree oven. That would be crazy. So I turned it down to 350. To...

Degrees of Freedom

Fuck it's hot out, ain't it?

Way too hot to cook bacon in a 400 degree oven. That would be crazy.

So I turned it down to 350. Took a bit longer but I'm willing to sacrifice.

Ah, freedom.

Helloooo Newman: White House

Helloooo Newman: White House: I'm painting my outhouse at the cottage white and calling it the White House, just like they've done in the US.

White House

I'm painting my outhouse at the cottage white and calling it the White House,
just like they've done in the US.

Helloooo Newman: Woke up, got out of bed

Helloooo Newman: Woke up, got out of bed: Is it possible to be a woke person and still nap all day?

Woke up, got out of bed

Is it possible to be a woke person and still nap all day?