Sunday 28 November 2021

Book Club

I'd start a book club but the first rule of book club is don't talk about book club.

Helloooo Newman: Book Club

Helloooo Newman: Book Club: I'd start a book club but the number one rule of book club is don't talk about book club.

Saturday 27 November 2021

Helloooo Newman: Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Helloooo Newman: Laughing All the Way to the Bank: Yesterday I decided to try laughing all the way to my bank, because I've never actually seen anyone do that. Have you? Okay, it wasn&#39...

Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Yesterday I decided to try laughing all the way to my bank, because I've never actually seen anyone do that. Have you?

Okay, it wasn't all the way. I didn't laugh from the second I left my house to the moment I entered the bank. It was really just before I entered the bank. A short guffaw. Laughing the entire trip would have looked pretty damn weird. Especially since no one else would come with me.

Anyway, it didn't really do much for me, so I wouldn't particularly recommend it. I know, laughing is suppose to put you in a good mood. The problem was the destination. My bank. As soon as I got in there, I was depressed because…I'm broke.

The only one laughing was the bank manager.

Thursday 25 November 2021

Helloooo Newman: Bad Will Hunting

Helloooo Newman: Bad Will Hunting: Okay. So, in America you can't hunt down a person who you suspect of committing a crime, trap them and then execute them. I get it. Wasn...

Bad Will Hunting

Okay. So, in America you can't hunt down a person who you suspect of committing a crime, trap them and then execute them.

I get it. Wasn't clear on that, but I will factor this into my future travel plans.

Thursday 18 November 2021

Helloooo Newman: Eight Weddings and a Funeral

Helloooo Newman: Eight Weddings and a Funeral: I've been to 8 weddings in my life. I've been to probably as many funerals, but I use the singular "funeral". That's b...

Eight Weddings and a Funeral



I've been to 8 weddings in my life.

I've been to probably as many funerals, but I use the singular "funeral". That's because all funerals are like going to the same funeral over and over again. All dead people are the same. No personality. Not much fun to be around.

But the alive people at the funeral are quite enjoyable. Ever notice there's just as much laughter at a funeral as there is at a wedding? Here's a typical conversation at a funeral: nice weather we're having eh? Ha ha ha ha ha, that's so funny, oh man, ha ha ha, I hope I don't die. Please don't take me. Not know.

I probably won't attend my own funeral, unless I can have a good standup act to officiate. 

If you look carefully, weddings and funerals are not what they seem to be. With a 50% divorce rate, at a wedding you're probably saying goodbye to a wonderful friendship that will die in a few years.

If you believe in Heaven, then no one at a funeral has really died, you're actually celebrating the start of a new afterlife and you're there mostly for the wings.

People ask me if I believe in an afterlife. God, I hope not. I'm looking forward to absolute nothingness. That's where I came from before I was born and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I was watching the Long Island Medium the other day as she used her bushy blonde hair to tune into dead people. Why doesn't she every contact people in Hell? She should do a Hell special and contact Jeffrey Epstein. She can have his friends Prince Andrew and Bill Clinton on too. They could use a sneak peak at where they're headed. 

We don't really know much about Hell, do we? Other than it's fucking hot. How hot, exactly? Is it a dry heat? Is it getting hotter with climate change? Are their cooling centres for people on good behaviour?

I'm off to a funeral today. Actually, they call it a visitation. By the way, Death, I'm just visiting, okay?

Sunday 14 November 2021

Helloooo Newman: Coming to a Swift End

Helloooo Newman: Coming to a Swift End: I think Taylor Swift dates guys just so she can break up with them and bitch about them in her music. I'm definitely not returning her c...

Coming to a Swift End

I think Taylor Swift dates guys just so she can break up with them and bitch about them in her music. I'm definitely not returning her calls.

Friday 12 November 2021

Helloooo Newman: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your ...

Helloooo Newman: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your ...: Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your favourite IMAX theatre. Keep an eye out for your local CL-IMAX theatre.


Finally, your favourite porn movie comes to your favourite IMAX theatre. Keep an eye out for your local CL-IMAX theatre.


Tuesday 2 November 2021

Helloooo Newman: False Flag

Helloooo Newman: False Flag:  How about we raise the flags in Canada when Trudeau leaves office.

False Flag

 How about we raise the flags in Canada when Trudeau leaves office.