Helloooo Newman: The Speed Bumps of Life

Helloooo Newman: The Speed Bumps of Life: Anyone who drives a 4x4 SUV and swerves to the side of the road so that only two tires go over the speed bump should be locked in a hot car...

The Speed Bumps of Life

Anyone who drives a 4x4 SUV and swerves to the side of the road so that only two tires go over the speed bump should be locked in a hot car with James Corden and forced to sing the entire KISS catalogue with elastic bands around their throat for two weeks (two tires, two weeks).

Helloooo Newman: Apples and Oranges

Helloooo Newman: Apples and Oranges: Why the hell can't I compare apples to oranges? Remember that Sesame Street game? Which one of these things doesn't belong to th...

Apples and Oranges

Why the hell can't I compare apples to oranges?

Remember that Sesame Street game? Which one of these things doesn't belong to the other? You have to compare shit to play that game, correct? Once kids learn that, we tell them to stop comparing apples to oranges. "Stop that, Billy. Put the apple down and eat your orange." No wonder millennials are mixed up. Far more so than my generation.

It's not a huge leap, people. Apples and oranges belong to a group called "fruit". So why can't we compare items in the category called fruit? Last week my wife compared me to a koala bear. Lazy and always high on eucalyptus. Not true. I occasionally suck on a eucalyptus lozenge when I have a sore throat. That can't be enough to make me lazy. I blame my laziness on the fact that I don't want to do anything. And on my parents.

What you should never do is compare Apples to PCs. PCs suck shit. Throw them out. They are rotten.

Otherwise, compare away.

Helloooo Newman: Lathe

Helloooo Newman: Lathe: I carry a lathe around with me so that, whenever necessary, I can quickly fit a square peg into a round hole.

Lathe

I carry a lathe around with me so that, whenever necessary, I can quickly fit a square peg into a round hole.

Helloooo Newman: Karma Named in First Ever Lawsuit

Helloooo Newman: Karma Named in First Ever Lawsuit: In a first-of-its-kind lawsuit, an 11-year-old boy is suing Karma for negligence. Little Johnny G. Shufflebottom, speaking in court th...

Karma Named in First Ever Lawsuit

In a first-of-its-kind lawsuit, an 11-year-old boy is suing Karma for negligence.

Little Johnny G. Shufflebottom, speaking in court through his lawyer, Ken Garoo, claims that Karma, the universal justice-of-last-resort, bankrupted his lemonade stand empire as pay-back for high financial crimes.

Karma claims that Johnny G. swindled millions of dollars from his customers and funnelled it to Pumpkin Island, because he loves Halloween. In an infinity-0 ruling, Karma decided the little boy's reputation and business needed to be destroyed, as per its mission of "what comes around, goes around".

Ken Garoo, Johnny Gs high-priced lawyer, argues that Karma mistook the little boy for Johnny D. Shufflebottom, who stole millions by selling fake Lululemon clothes to seniors. It was hypothesized that Karma confused lemonade with the "lemon" in Lululemon. Ken G. points out that Johnny G. sold lemonade for 25 cents a glass and would have to sell 4.5 million glasses to attain the monies in question. "Johnny Gs bedtime was 8:00 pm. He didn't have time to sell that much product. Besides, he was only saving up for the latest Call of Duty game, which retails for $49.99."

Jess D. Zerts, Karma's lawyer, says that Karma can't make mistakes, and cited Jimmy Hoffa as an example of his excellent work distributing justice. During Karma's testimony, Zerts played Que Sera Sera quietly in the background.

Fate and Irony have been named as co-conspirators.

Karma cannot work during the trial, and it was decided that humans will just have to sort out for themselves who is good and who is bad.

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Pillows

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Pillows: What the hell is a throw pillow? Is it a pillow you throw out? Or do you throw it at someone. I would call that a pillow fight. Maybe ...

Helloooo Newman: Animal Husbandry

Helloooo Newman: Animal Husbandry: What is animal husbandry? Is that like when you marry Dog the Bounty Hunter?

Animal Husbandry

What is animal husbandry? Is that, like, when you marry Dog the Bounty Hunter?

Helloooo Newman: Car Names

Helloooo Newman: Car Names: I can't believe some of the pussy car names they come up with these days. The Nissan Qashqai? What the fuck? The name's from a mou...

Car Names

I can't believe some of the pussy car names they come up with these days.

The Nissan Qashqai? What the fuck? The name's from a mountainous region in Iran where 4 people and 10,000 goats live. Awesome. If you can't afford it, buy the Nissan Death Valley. Or the Dead Sea, uses water bags instead of air bags.

The Maxima? Was MaxiPad taken?

I really want to buy a Nissan Cube. Comes with a free Rubik's Cube. Drives like one, too.

The Kia Cadenza? Is that named after a musical cadenza, which means an improvised musical passage. Did they improvise the making of this car?

Chevrolet has two called the Bold and the Volt. The Dolt is still in the works.

 The Subaru Impreza was suppose to be the Impregnate, but it didn't rate well in focus groups.

Here's two I would build.

The Ram Syphilis. Goes from zero to your doctor's office in one alcohol-fueled night.

The Nissan Husbandfinder. Drives up the elevator shaft and right into the hotel room where your hubby is banging the secretary.

Helloooo Newman: Rape and Pillage

Helloooo Newman: Rape and Pillage: Yesterday, as I was drying my Neti Pot, I leafed through a book on the Middle Ages. Raping and pillaging – that's it. That's the ...

Rape and Pillage

Yesterday, as I was drying my Neti Pot, I leafed through a book on the Middle Ages. Raping and pillaging – that's it. That's the entire Middle Ages, in between eating and sleeping. And they always went hand-in-hand. Rape, pillage, repeat.

Genghis Kahn and his band of Mongol marauders raped and pillaged as they swept through Europe.

But what about that lone Mongol who didn't quite fit in? For him, raping and pillaging didn't always go hand-on-hand.

Altan: Hey, Chuluun, me and the guys have been talking and, well, you're not pillaging enough.

Chuluun: Excuse me? I turn my back to pee and you're already gossiping?

Altan: Chill, man. It's just a little marauding feedback. Your raping is excellent. Very strong on the rape. There's a lot of talk about your pussy grab in Europe. But where's the pillaging? You can't let the pillaging go.

Chuluun: Why not? Who cares?

Altan: Raping and Pillaging – it's on all our swag. You know what that cost? You gotta make time for some pillaging. It makes us look weak if you don't.

Chuluun: I have enough shit, man. I can barely move around my goddamn grass hut. My wife says "NO MORE". Thinks I have a problem with hoarding.

Altan: Listen, I know it's a drag having to go hut-to-hut and take stuff. Some of the shit people keep is amazing. I have 4,000 letter openers. I don't get that much mail, man. Just take the crap and have a hut sale later. You can mark the stuff way up.

Chuluun: Oh, alright. So I'm not a hoarder?

Altan: Of course not. You're just doing your job.

Chuluun: No more ashtrays, though. I have ashtrays coming out my gutuls.

Helloooo Newman: Non Event

Helloooo Newman: Non Event: The Weather Channel has issued a warning that today's rain event will be followed tomorrow by a non event . Non events occur w...

Non Event

The Weather Channel has issued a warning that today's rain event will be followed tomorrow by a non event.

Non events occur when the all the atmospheric forces sit on their assess and do nothing. The best way to deal with a non event is to pretend it doesn't exist. During this period, many, many things will not happen. Try not to discuss the non event, but if you feel the need to, do it in a way that doesn't refer directly to the non event, such as saying, "Jesus, this street meat is tasty."

Non events are caused by climate change, obviously. Thankfully they are rare, as they lead to the human race having nothing to talk or worry about, leading to species suicide.

Above is a picture of a non event.

Stay safe.

Helloooo Newman: Book Club

Helloooo Newman: Book Club: Looking forward to my books on tape club.

Book Club

Looking forward to my books on tape club.

Helloooo Newman: Thinking Out Loud

Helloooo Newman: Thinking Out Loud: Oh boy, what a silly phrase. "Ya know, I'm just thinking out loud here. Maybe I should have the linguine instead of the pot pie.&...

Thinking Out Loud

Oh boy, what a silly phrase.

"Ya know, I'm just thinking out loud here. Maybe I should have the linguine instead of the pot pie."

You're not thinking out loud. You're talking. It requires a very simple description. Your mouth is moving and words are coming out. Doesn't need a new and fancy label.

If that kind of talking is called "thinking out loud", then that suggests the other times you're talking, you aren't thinking. It's just babble, which often happens too.

Keep it simple. You're either talking or you aren't. Hopefully it's accompanied by some thinking.

I mean, I'm just writing out loud here.

Helloooo Newman: Poop Reads

Helloooo Newman: Poop Reads: There's lots of reasons I'd love to be a dog, the biggest one being they don't have to work. Most of them don't, anyway. I&#...

Poop Reads

There's lots of reasons I'd love to be a dog, the biggest one being they don't have to work. Most of them don't, anyway. I'm not sure I could be a drug sniffing dog, with my penchant for getting sinus infections. "Ah, I'm not sure if there's drugs in that bag, boss, but there's definitely some Claritin."

The thing I would miss the most about being human, if I were a dog, is that I couldn't read a magazine while pooping. I learn so much during this valuable reading time. Clearly the position that dogs must assume to do their business doesn't allow for holding a magazine, or turning pages.

Oh, and I couldn't read. That's a stumbling block too.

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: Can I use my air miles to get into Heaven?

Thoughty Thoughts

Can I use my air miles to get into Heaven?

Helloooo Newman: Synchronized Swimming

Helloooo Newman: Synchronized Swimming: I joined a synchronized swimming team, but I only participate on the third Tuesday of each month, only when it's partly cloudy out and o...

Synchronized Swimming

I joined a synchronized swimming team, but I only participate on the third Tuesday of each month, only when it's partly cloudy out and only if Tom hanks is booked for a colonoscopy that day. I call it idiosynchronized swimming.

Helloooo Newman: Job or Career

Helloooo Newman: Job or Career: When you get a blowjob from a professional hooker, isn't it more than a job? Isn't it really a blowcareer?

Job or Career

When you get a blowjob from a professional hooker, isn't it more than a job?

Isn't it really a blowcareer?

Helloooo Newman: Which Came First?

Helloooo Newman: Which Came First?: Which came first… The divorce or the lawyer The car or fuzzy dice Canada or Tim Hortons Sex or the cigarette (for women) Sex or the na...

Which Came First?

Which came first…

The divorce or the lawyer
The car or fuzzy dice
Canada or Tim Hortons
Sex or the cigarette (for women)
Sex or the nap (for men)
Children or the chicken finger
The second floor or the set of stairs
The floor or the ceiling
The donut or the cop
The name Maria or the cleaning lady
Barf bags or Vin Diesel's acting
The alarm clock or the job
The boss or the wife
The wife or the performance review
Extra-marital affairs or the mailman
?

Helloooo Newman: The Terminator: Canine

Helloooo Newman: The Terminator: Canine: I'll be bahking

The Terminator: Canine

I'll be bahking

Helloooo Newman: Dogspeare

Helloooo Newman: Dogspeare: What a piece of work is dog. How noble in stature. How infinite in its appetite. In form. In chewing the remote. How infuriating and should ...

Dogspeare

What a piece of work is dog. How noble in stature. How infinite in its appetite. In form. In chewing the remote. How infuriating and should I muzzle him? In chasing the raccoon, how like an angel. In actually catching the raccoon, how like a suck. The paragon of pets. And yet to me, what is this quintessence of feces?

Helloooo Newman: Square Roots

Helloooo Newman: Square Roots: I'm starting a new trendy clothing store. It's called Square Roots.  The quality is the square root of what you paid.

Square Roots

I'm starting a new trendy clothing store. It's called Square Roots. 

The quality is the square root of what you paid.

Helloooo Newman: Weddings

Helloooo Newman: Weddings: My wife and I aren't into big weddings.  At one point, neither of us was invited to our own wedding.

Weddings

My wife and I aren't into big weddings. 

At one point, neither of us was invited to our own wedding.