Helloooo Newman: X Æ A-12

Helloooo Newman: X Æ A-12: Oh, you're wondering about the title, right? That's the name of Elon Musk's new baby. You didn't know that? It's pronoun...

Oh, you're wondering about the title, right?

That's the name of Elon Musk's new baby. You didn't know that?

It's pronounced…

X Æ A-12

They were going to call him Dave but were afraid other kids would make fun of him.

He's doing very well. He can go up to ten steps on every charge (5 steps on stairs) and poops lithium, which keeps the diaper count down.

They were hoping for a Model X baby but a defect in the manufacturing process gave them a S Model.

He will also raise himself, unless something goes wrong and his entire life crashes and burns.

Good luck, Elon and baby.

Helloooo Newman: Borderline

Helloooo Newman: Borderline: Trudeau is considering imposing tough border restrictions from India due to a variant spreading like wildfire. Rest assured, once the varian...

Borderline

Trudeau is considering imposing tough border restrictions from India due to a variant spreading like wildfire. Rest assured, once the variant arrives here, he'll make a decision.

To quote the great Madonna – you just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.

Meanwhile, we all feel better after Ford's tearful apology. Finally, he's brining in paid sick leave. Please feel free to use this yourself, Doug.

Are you mortified? No, You're Fordified.

Helloooo Newman: Elephant Man

Helloooo Newman: Elephant Man:  New research shows that 99% of the time, the elephant in the room is Doug Ford.

Elephant Man

 New research shows that 99% of the time, the elephant in the room is Doug Ford.

Helloooo Newman: Signs of Spring

Helloooo Newman: Signs of Spring: Springtime in Ontario. Good to see the parks empty and the warehouses full of workers. Costco is only allowed 25% capacity, which puts the n...

Signs of Spring

Springtime in Ontario. Good to see the parks empty and the warehouses full of workers.

Costco is only allowed 25% capacity, which puts the number of customers at about 1,500. 

25 is an important number in Canada.

Canada is 25th in vaccine delivery to people's arms. 

25% of Trudeau's beard is grey hair so we can pretend he's mature enough to take care of us.

25 is the number in centimetres of Doug the Slug's biceps so he can be the tough guy that sics cops on people driving their car. Keep in mind the government gives billions to car companies when we don't buy enough cars and then pleads with us to buy more cars and when we buy the cars the cops stop us and ask us what the hell we think we're doing driving a car oh officer I'm getting food can't you tell I'm hungry well then why don't you walk to the store because then we'll stop buying cars and the government will get mad at us.

Was that a run on sentence I think it was because it seems kinda long and maybe a little meandering.

25 is the number of reasons Canadians have to move to New Zealand.

Helloooo Newman: Travel Log

Helloooo Newman: Travel Log: I miss travelling so much that I'm forced to watch Border Security just for the thrill of being at an airport. I'd even be okay with...

Travel Log

I miss travelling so much that I'm forced to watch Border Security just for the thrill of being at an airport. I'd even be okay with being searched and they find cocaine balls up my butt and force me to crap them out. At least I'm travelling.

Helloooo Newman: You Can't Lock Jesus Down

Helloooo Newman: You Can't Lock Jesus Down: In case you haven't noticed, I ain't getting any younger. Yup – wheelchair ramps, gum disease and a body shaped like ginger root are...

You Can't Lock Jesus Down

In case you haven't noticed, I ain't getting any younger. Yup – wheelchair ramps, gum disease and a body shaped like ginger root are in my near future.

Who, you might ask, will inherit this comedy empire I've single-handedly built from the sewer up.

My brilliant daughter, obviously.

Case in point –

On day one of a new stay-at-home order we see a man wandering the hood holding up a sign saying "Jesus is the one, the way blah blah blah" and other complete mumbo jumbo.

I was aghast. "Well, you can't lock Jesus down", I said.

My daughter responded, "Nope. You can nail him down, though."

I laughed so hard I threw up my Hawkins Cheezies. They're expensive.

I can rest easy knowing the empire is in good hands.

Hey Jesus, if you don't have any vaccine, stay home.

Helloooo Newman: Captain Kirk to the Rescue

Helloooo Newman: Captain Kirk to the Rescue: Doug the Slug is trying to find a respirator large enough to keep Ontario alive. From his cottage, of course. Meanwhile, Trudeau is wonderin...

Captain Kirk to the Rescue

Doug the Slug is trying to find a respirator large enough to keep Ontario alive. From his cottage, of course.

Meanwhile, Trudeau is wondering if we can bypass needles and set our Pfizers to kill to defeat the Covid monster. From his cottage, of course.

Meanwhile, Sunnybrook is almost finished setting up a few tent hospitals to handle extra sick people, a full year and a half after we heard about the virus. Now that's a good dose of Preparation H(ospital).

SNAFU

Helloooo Newman: April Fools Canada Style

Helloooo Newman: April Fools Canada Style: April 19 - Every American over 18 can book a vaccine April 19 - Hey Ontario, stay home and read a book

April Fools Canada Style

April 19 - Every American over 18 can book a vaccine

April 19 - Hey Ontario, stay home and read a book

Open and Closed Case

When Doug Ford was elected, I thought the only thing we have to worry about was his mouth opening and closing. I had no idea it would be the entire province.

Helloooo Newman: Open and Closed Case

Helloooo Newman: Open and Closed Case: When Doug Ford was elected, I thought the only thing we have to sorry about was his mouth opening and closing. I had no idea it would be the...

Helloooo Newman: Typecasting

Helloooo Newman: Typecasting:  Well, since I can't get my haircut, I guess I'll play Jesus in the Easter play. I was hoping to play against type.

Typecasting

 Well, since I can't get my haircut, I guess I'll play Jesus in the Easter play.

I was hoping to play against type.