Helloooo Newman: Not Anti, Just Antsy

Helloooo Newman: Not Anti, Just Antsy: Some people aren't against vaccines. They're just afraid to get it. They are antsy-vaccine. Pretty convenient, isn't it? Being a...

Not Anti, Just Antsy

Some people aren't against vaccines. They're just afraid to get it.

They are antsy-vaccine.

Pretty convenient, isn't it? Being against something without being against it. Just like our finest politicians.

Then we have the truckers who, again, aren't against vaccines, they just don't want to be told what to do.

We can treat them like 4-year-olds. Convince them it was their idea to get the shot.

No, Billy, you can't have that shot. Not a chance. Okay, I'm against it, but if you insist. You gonna eat that donut?

What about the anti-syringe group? We'll have to wait for a pill. Or put the vaccine in cigarettes. Because they care what they put in their bodies. 

Helloooo Newman: Trucked in the Head

Helloooo Newman: Trucked in the Head: Well, that's it! Not looking to truckers anymore for advice on how to lead a smart life.

Trucked in the Head

Well, that's it! Not looking to truckers anymore for advice on how to lead a smart life.

Helloooo Newman: A Dime from the Dead

Helloooo Newman: A Dime from the Dead: I usually bow out of a conversation when someone starts it with, "You know, I'm not superstitious, but…" The current superstit...

A Dime from the Dead

I usually bow out of a conversation when someone starts it with, "You know, I'm not superstitious, but…"

The current superstition making the rounds (Facebook, where I gain all my scientific knowledge) has us believe that finding a dime on the ground is a "hello" from the dead.

I'm dead serious. Wondering what your dead relatives are up to? Collecting pocket change. Not on a street corner, thankfully. Hey, can you play Death Metal on that harp?

Look, I hate to impose logic on an emotional state of being, but…COME ON.

If dead people have the power to sprinkle money around, why only a dime? Jesus, with inflation it should at least be a quarter. What about a dime in cryptocurrency? Can they leave that? Why not help me pay my mortgage, dead person? I have to live in a house – you get a free cloud.

If dollar amount is ever a reflection of love, this is it. You have this glorious power to make money appear and it's a lousy dime. Ya, miss you too. See you in Heaven, cheapskate.

Here's my promise to you. When I'm dead, you'll be finding fifty dollar bills on your way to the grocery store. Make it a C-note if you say nice things about me.

Make it a nice cool "G". Why do I care? I don't need it. I get money anytime I want.

Or do I need an Angel investor?

Helloooo Newman: Meatloaf for Dinner

Helloooo Newman: Meatloaf for Dinner: Another "win" for the anti-vaxxers.

Meatloaf for Dinner

Another "win" for the anti-vaxxers.

Helloooo Newman: Risk-Averse

Helloooo Newman: Risk-Averse: The BC government admits that it can't eliminate all risk in the world. A startling admission, since I sit in my house waiting for the g...

Risk-Averse

The BC government admits that it can't eliminate all risk in the world. A startling admission, since I sit in my house waiting for the government to make the world completely safe to be in.

Ontarians are still waiting for that zero risk.

Also, if you see me on the street with puke on my shirt, it means I just listened to Justin Trudeau speak.

Helloooo Newman: Beer Pressure

Helloooo Newman: Beer Pressure: A group of doctors has concluded that we should all stop drinking alcohol completely because even one drop is bad for the heart. All other d...

Beer Pressure

A group of doctors has concluded that we should all stop drinking alcohol completely because even one drop is bad for the heart.

All other doctors are trying to figure out if this group is serious or if they're practicing some kind of weird standup routine.

Helloooo Newman: People

Helloooo Newman: People: Scientists have discovered that similar to Ontario restaurants, Doug Ford's IQ operates at 50% capacity. Djokovic is suing the Australia...

People

Scientists have discovered that similar to Ontario restaurants, Doug Ford's IQ operates at 50% capacity.

Djokovic is suing the Australian government for 3.5 million pounds. For that kind of money, they might as well have kept him locked up for 20 years.

Helloooo Newman: Counting

Helloooo Newman: Counting: I have a step counter. Where's my shovel counter?

Counting

I have a step counter. Where's my shovel counter?

Helloooo Newman: The Kellogg Cartel

Helloooo Newman: The Kellogg Cartel: Yesterday I was just hanging out, not doing much at all and I began to wonder. What's new in Mexico? Well, I read up on it. A few weeks ...

The Kellogg Cartel

Yesterday I was just hanging out, not doing much at all and I began to wonder. What's new in Mexico?

Well, I read up on it.

A few weeks ago an elite team of highly trained Mexican soldiers (Seal Team Dos Equis?) actually raided a slew of corner stores across their great nation, in search of…Kellogg's cereal.

Banana clips a'blazin', the supermen in black seized thousands of offending Kellogg's Corn Flakes cereal boxes. The crime? Illegal cartoon images that encourage kids to eat more sugar.

Being rational and level-headed, I assumed Mexico had tamed its famed drug cartels and is moving on to the cereal cartels. 

I can imagine the new shows. El Cap'n Crunch. Narcos: Frosted Mini Wheats. Traffic – Jam and Toast. Breaking Bran.

Could sugar be a gateway drug? From tooth cavities to nasal cavities makes a lot of sense.

I don't know. Which is better for little Johnny? Eating a little sugar and hanging from the monkey bars, or growing up and hanging off a bridge from his ankles, minus his head? It's a subtle distinction, I know.

Also, who the hell came up with Nutter Butter? Is that a real thing? Do people put that in their…mouths?

Linkedin Fun

I had some fun on Linkedin last week.

I set up a profile and called myself the Pope. Even added his photo, although it might be the Pope from anytime in the last 50 years. They all looks the same.

Then I viewed a ton of other profiles and right now they're thinking, hey, the Pope viewed my profile. Am I in trouble?

Fun, right?

Helloooo Newman: Linkedin Fun

Helloooo Newman: Linkedin Fun: I had some fun on Linkedin last week. I set up a profile and called myself the Pope.  Then I viewed a ton of other profiles and right now th...

Helloooo Newman: WD-40 Years Old

Helloooo Newman: WD-40 Years Old: It's a weird coincidence that when I turned 40, my joints started to get stiff and hurt. And WD-40 actually helped. Is that what the 40 ...

WD-40 Years Old

It's a weird coincidence that when I turned 40, my joints started to get stiff and hurt. And WD-40 actually helped. Is that what the 40 means?

Helloooo Newman: Money from Old People

Helloooo Newman: Money from Old People: Yesterday my mom gave me some money. Keep these truths in mind when old people give you money. You have to thank them twice. First when you ...

Money from Old People

Yesterday my mom gave me some money.

Keep these truths in mind when old people give you money.

You have to thank them twice. First when you receive the money, and again in about 1-2 weeks.

The second thank you must be much bigger than the first thank you. Think sending a balloongram or skywriting THANK YOU FOR THE MONEY with a small plane above where they live so they can see it out their window. Something they will remember.

Definitely thank them twice. Second time BIG thank you.

They've forgotten, so it doesn't hurt to maybe thank them a third time about 3 days after the second thank you.

Come to think of it, a fourth thank you, as a follow-up to the third and second thank you, which followed-up the first thank you, works well about 1.5 days after the third thank you.

Since you're in thank you mode, you might as well go for a fifth thank you 8 hours after the fourth thank you.………………

The sixth thank you should arrive an hour after the fifth thank you.

All subsequent thank you's are in person because you are going to move in with them and thank them every few minutes.

Personally I wouldn't thank them less than a second apart. That's a bit much.

Thank you for reading.

Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?

Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?: In a surprise move, the Australian Tennis Open has decided to make the tennis court the size of Novak Djokovic's ego, thus making the ga...

Tennis, Anyone?

In a surprise move, the Australian Tennis Open has decided to make the tennis court the size of Novak Djokovic's ego, rendering the game much easier to play. Children of all ages, including Novak, are invited to participate.

Whoever can knock the ball out of the continent-sized court, wins.

Helloooo Newman: Positively Negative

Helloooo Newman: Positively Negative: Someone told me today it's negative 20 outside and I told them to stop being so negative

Positively Negative

Someone told me today it's negative 20 outside and I told them to stop being so negative

Helloooo Newman: Statistics

Helloooo Newman: Statistics:  I don't believe in statistics because 9 out of 10 times they're wrong.

Statistics

 I don't believe in statistics because 9 out of 10 times they're wrong.

Helloooo Newman: Rapid Testes

Helloooo Newman: Rapid Testes: Of course after being told all through Christmas not to trust rapid tests and as an alternative, stop living, naturally the Canadian governm...

Rapid Testes

Of course after being told all through Christmas not to trust rapid tests and as an alternative, stop living, naturally the Canadian government distributes 140 million of them. And the best time to distribute them? After everyone gets Omicron.

Go ahead, grab your government by the rapid testes

Helloooo Newman: Fuck You Up 35

Helloooo Newman: Fuck You Up 35: I was so relieved to hear that Canada might buy the super-advanced, highly intelligent and very American F35 fighter plane (the F stands for...

Fuck You Up 35

I was so relieved to hear that Canada might buy the super-advanced, highly intelligent and very American F35 fighter plane (the F stands for Fuck you up). It's invisible to radar so they're having trouble finding it. The $100 million per plane is not invisible and when you look in your wallet, you'll see some money missing.

It will come in handy when Ontario calls in the army to fight the virus. Since the virus is everywhere, the precision guided missiles will have no trouble finding the enemy.

Was that Doug Ford's house?

Oops.

Helloooo Newman: Courting Disaster

Helloooo Newman: Courting Disaster: I'm on repeats of Court Cam. It's not good.

Courting Disaster

I'm on repeats of Court Cam. It's not good.

Helloooo Newman: Universal Apology

Helloooo Newman: Universal Apology: The universe officially apologizes for taking Betty White so early. In light of this mistake, the rules for reincarnation will be changed an...

Universal Apology

The universe officially apologizes for taking Betty White so early. In light of this mistake, the rules for reincarnation will be changed and Betty White will be reincarnated as Betty White…the baby.