Helloooo Newman: Black Holes

Helloooo Newman: Black Holes: Scientists have discovered that about 60 percent of black holes, where things fall in and can never be retrieved, are actually women's p...

Black Holes

Scientists have discovered that about 60 percent of black holes, where things fall in and can never be retrieved, are actually women's purses that escaped earth's gravitational pull.

Helloooo Newman: Heat Warning

Helloooo Newman: Heat Warning: Thank God for those heat warnings, eh? Yesterday morning I went outside, which is where the weather usually happens, and it was so hot I fel...

Heat Warning

Thank God for those heat warnings, eh?

Yesterday morning I went outside, which is where the weather usually happens, and it was so hot I felt like the sun had puked all over my body. The wax in my ear instantly melted and formed a weird candle.

Still, I couldn't be totally sure it was hot out. It felt hot, and in circumstances similar to this one I usually use my 5 senses to figure things out, but I had to be sure. I needed confirmation from a trusted body of people whose job it is to measure these things. The warning confirmed it.

Now I could confidently go out into the world knowing that it is fucking hot out.

Helloooo Newman: Electionsneering

Helloooo Newman: Electionsneering: Damn. I usually charge HST on my bribes, which comes to $560.50, not the $500 Trudeau is offering me. Soooo close.

Electionsneering

Damn. I usually charge HST on my bribes, which comes to $560.50, not the $500 Trudeau is offering me. Soooo close.

Helloooo Newman: Never X-Rated

Helloooo Newman: Never X-Rated: I was watching the X-Men franchise again and it occurred to me, I bet Wolverine never masturbates. That's probably why he's so angry...

Never X-Rated

I was watching the X-Men franchise again and it occurred to me, I bet Wolverine never masturbates. He might lose more than his sight. That's probably why he's so angry all the time.