Helloooo Newman: It's Spreading

Helloooo Newman: It's Spreading: Do you live near the Eglinton LRT project? Has your bum been sore of late? Doctors have attributed this to the continual ass-raping we get f...

It's Spreading

Do you live near the Eglinton LRT project? Has your bum been sore of late?

Doctors have attributed this to the continual ass-raping we get from Metrolinx.

So far no creams are effective.

One rogue doctor has suggested a remedy of firing the Metrolinx bastards, taking their perks and benefits away and starting over with someone else.

My bum felt better just hearing that.

Helloooo Newman: Is it terminal, doctor?

Helloooo Newman: Is it terminal, doctor?: I found two Taylor Swift songs that I really like. Tomorrow I'm checking into a hospital.

Is it terminal, doctor?

I found two Taylor Swift songs that I really like.

Tomorrow I'm checking into a hospital.

Helloooo Newman: Monster Model

Helloooo Newman: Monster Model: Did you ever see that movie Monster with Charlize Theron? She plays a serial killer. I had trouble buying it. I kept thinking instead of li...

Monster Model

Did you ever see that movie Monster with Charlize Theron?

She plays a serial killer.

I had trouble buying it. I kept thinking instead of living a dismal life killing men, why didn't she just take off all that bad makeup and become a model.

Helloooo Newman: Why did he do it?

Helloooo Newman: Why did he do it?: This very moment, experts are scratching their heads trying to figure out why a piece-of-shit scumbag shot up an LGBTQ club. What was his mo...

Why did he do it?

This very moment, experts are scratching their heads trying to figure out why a piece-of-shit scumbag shot up an LGBTQ club. What was his motivation? He must have had some reason.

Meanwhile, we find out his dad is a porn star, appearing in greats like I Wanna Get Titty Fucked. Don't bother seeing it. All the penis and tits shots use a green screen. And you can tell.

The dad was quoted as saying he was just happy his son wasn't gay, and "we don't do gay."

But still, what could have been the shooter's motivation? Where did it come from?

I'm stumped.

Some day, people smarter than me will figure it out.

Helloooo Newman: Not Swiftly Enough

Helloooo Newman: Not Swiftly Enough: Damn. Didn't have a chance to run to the bank to mortgage my house so I could see Taylor Swift sing live about her ex-boyfriends.  I sur...

Not Swiftly Enough

Damn. Didn't have a chance to run to the bank to mortgage my house so I could see Taylor Swift sing live about her ex-boyfriends. 

I sure hope she shows a profit on this tour. I worry about that girl's money sense.

Helloooo Newman: Call Me Paul

Helloooo Newman: Call Me Paul: I wonder what happens when a sperm whale and a humpback whale have sex.

Call Me Paul

I wonder what happens when a sperm whale and a humpback whale have sex.

Helloooo Newman: Use your assholes

Helloooo Newman: Use your assholes: Here's an idea. If the Democrats lose next week, how about they claim fake election, complain, issue court challenges, deny and throw ar...

Use your assholes

Here's an idea. If the Democrats lose next week, how about they claim fake election, complain, issue court challenges, deny and throw around death threats. Act like assholes. Just like the Republicans do.

We all have assholes.

Come on, Democrats. It's time to start using your assholes.

Helloooo Newman: Graham is crackers

Helloooo Newman: Graham is crackers: As a last resort, since SCOTUS turned him down, Lindsey Graham will appeal to the all-powerful Ye to prevent him from testifying. "Don&...

Graham is crackers

As a last resort, since SCOTUS turned him down, Lindsey Graham will appeal to the all-powerful Ye to prevent him from testifying. "Don't wear Adidas at the ruling" was Ye's first tip.

Yippee ki-Ye, motherfuckers will be his legal approach.

Helloooo Newman: Mondegreenisms: The New Pandemic

Helloooo Newman: Mondegreenisms: The New Pandemic: We all suffer from it. We carry mondegreenisms around with us all day. Clanking around in our brains. Over and over. You suffer from a monde...

Mondegreenisms: The New Pandemic

We all suffer from it. We carry mondegreenisms around with us all day. Clanking around in our brains. Over and over.

You suffer from a mondegreen when you misunderstand words from a song and hear them as other words. Real words, but the wrong words.

Some suffer a more terrible strain than others. Like me. Take the song De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da from the Police.

Love the title. Succinct. Descriptive. Says it all. There is a particular line in this song that I have long heard as, "one named Alice Quence rapes me".

Guess what. Those aren't the right lyrics. They are, "and when their eloquence escapes me".

Turns out Alice Quence is not a real person.

Anyway. That's all I have to say to you.

Helloooo Newman: New Diet

Helloooo Newman: New Diet: 42% of Americans are considered obese. And 30% of people are eating less to save money due to inflation. I'm not sure I see the problem.

New Diet

42% of Americans are considered obese. And 30% of people are eating less to save money due to inflation. I'm not sure I see the problem.