Helloooo Newman: Mile a Minute

Helloooo Newman: Mile a Minute: Have you ever had a friend who talks a mile a minute? I have, but it never bothered me because I listen a mile a minute. I have a friend...

Mile a Minute

Have you ever had a friend who talks a mile a minute?

I have, but it never bothered me because I listen a mile a minute.

I have a friend who eats very quickly. He eats a mile a minute.

Another friend is a professional speed reader. He reads a mile a minute.

Weird, but none of my friends walk a mile a minute.

Helloooo Newman: This Blog is Classified

Helloooo Newman: This Blog is Classified

This Blog is Classified

Helloooo Newman: Broken Doors

Helloooo Newman: Broken Doors: I fix your broken doors. I'm your doorctor.

Broken Doors

I fix your broken doors. I'm your doorctor.

Helloooo Newman: Vegan Music

Helloooo Newman: Vegan Music: I've finally completed my vegan lifestyle by only listening to vegan music . It's a tough choice. It means I can't listen to b...

Vegan Music

I've finally completed my vegan lifestyle by only listening to vegan music.

It's a tough choice. It means I can't listen to bands like The Animals, Buffalo Springfield (yummy burgers), and my all time favourite – Meatloaf. I'll travel anywhere for Meatloaf. Especially when it's dressed with bacon strip and loads of ketchup.

Other bands include The Turtles (great soup), Hootie and the Blowfish (the meat of which is called fugu in Japan), and Blue Oyster Cult. There is some debate among vegans as to whether it's okay to eat oysters and listen to oyster music. I'm playing it safe. It's a sacrifice, though. I love (Don't Fear) The Reaper. Death, by the way, is considered vegan.

Next – I'll only drink pure water that's been trapped in a cave for 120 million years. Anything older and it kinda looses its flavour.

Helloooo Newman: Book Fun

Helloooo Newman: Book Fun: I've been shoplifting lately. From Chapters. I call it slow shoplifting. Every day I go into the store and read one chapter from a b...

Book Fun

I've been shoplifting lately. From Chapters. I call it slow shoplifting. Every day I go into the store and read one chapter from a book. Without paying. In about two weeks, depending on the length of the book, I've stolen the whole thing. In my brain. And they don't even notice anything missing. But something is missing. One reading of the book is missing, and it's in me head.


I went to the cash at Chapters one day and asked if I could buy 3 chapters from a book. They said no, I have to buy the whole book. But the name of the store is Chapters, I said. So you must sell chapters from books. When I go to the car wash, I don't have to buy a car. I buy the wash. If your store was called Books, I would buy the entire book. I actually only wanted to buy a few pages, but your store isn't called Pages. So give me my Chapters.


I like long lines at Chapters. I'll grab a book, quickly finish it in the line, and when I get to the cash I ask for my money back. They always tell me I can't have my money back because I didn't buy it. That doesn't make sense, because I've read it, so I got the book. Give me my money back. It hasn't worked so far, but I'll keep trying.

Helloooo Newman: High Calibre Teachers

Helloooo Newman: High Calibre Teachers: It's settled. American schools need more high-calibre teachers. I'm thinking a 9mm Glock pistol. That way they can do what even th...

High Calibre Teachers

It's settled. American schools need more high-calibre teachers. I'm thinking a 9mm Glock pistol. That way they can do what even the cops are afraid to do – take down a military assault rifle. In between classes, of course.

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Order

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Order: Today at Starbucks I ordered a coffee, no water.

Coffee Order

Today at Starbucks I ordered a coffee, no water.

Helloooo Newman: I'm Bulletproof, Fire Away

Helloooo Newman: I'm Bulletproof, Fire Away: I've always believed that human ingenuity would solve the school shooting nuisance. I say nuisance  because all these kids getting ...

I'm Bulletproof, Fire Away

I've always believed that human ingenuity would solve the school shooting nuisance.

I say nuisance because all these kids getting in the way of bullets forces us into this pretend-talk about limiting our God-given right to assault weapons. God is limitless, and so are the rights He grants us.

Introducing the bulletproof backpack. Lightweight, great colours, fun.

As with any helpful consumer item, you can accessorize.

The bulletproof lunch pail. Lock and load with a nutritious lunch.

Can we interest you in our bulletproof lunch? Roast beef, ham or bologna on an industrial focaccia stops a full metal jacket, and tastes great. Add Swiss cheese for that stylish bullet-ridden look, and calcium. (Editor's note: avoid the ham, the titanium flavour dominates.)

For a limited time, purchase our cold, refreshing milk (soy or cow) that turns guns into butter.

Made only in America. Sold only in America. So you can survive only in America.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose, fire away, fire away.

Helloooo Newman: Slippery Slope

Helloooo Newman: Slippery Slope: These gun-toting advocates have a real good point about the slippery slope. If you pass one law to regulate guns, the floodgates will open...

Slippery Slope

These gun-toting advocates have a real good point about the slippery slope.

If you pass one law to regulate guns, the floodgates will open and soon special forces will be reaching up from your toilet and your sink to confiscate all your guns.

Think about it. First, all Americans won the right to bear arms. Next, women won the right to bare their chest.

Soon we'll all be walking around naked.

Stop the slippery slope. Sell more guns.

Helloooo Newman: Electrician's Licence

Helloooo Newman: Electrician's Licence: I've been reading some books on how to rewire your brain. I'm anxious. Can I really trust myself to properly rewire my brain a...

Electrician's Licence

I've been reading some books on how to rewire my brain.

I'm anxious. Can I really trust myself to properly rewire my brain all on my own? Shouldn't I at least have an electrician's licence? Or at least experiment with someone else's brain first. How about my wife?

Judging from how I do with household chores, I should be really careful. Last summer I installed a ceiling fan and every time I turn it on, our neighbour's Tesla drives itself out East to attend a lobster festival.

Be very careful with the book above. It doesn't have even one picture of a fuse box.

Rewiring the brain is a minefield of problems. What if I electrocute myself? I know a guy who tried fixing his toaster while it was still plugged in. He now refers to his entire family as Anthony Weiner.

I'm not completely ignorant on things electric. I know that before you mess with electrons, you should turn the power off. I'm not sure how to do that to my brain, other than to fall asleep or watch old episodes of Manimal.

Do you know how complicated the brain is? I mean, Einstein had one. What if I cross a wire? I could end up with the IQ of a crock pot. I'd be much more useful, I guess. But would I be less anxious? – oh shit sorry, I messed up your stew.

One early adopter of brain renovation tried rewiring his amygdala but accidentally shorted his libido and could never get another erection. Or was it a permanent erection? Can't remember. It was a closed coffin, anyway.

Well, I'll give it a go. If it doesn't work, I guess you'll see me on Yonge Street selling curtain rods.

Helloooo Newman: Animals in the Olympics

Helloooo Newman: Animals in the Olympics: Are you like me? Do you call it a "triple sow cow" ? Did you wonder what a weird genetic hybrid of pig and bovine had to do w...

Animals in the Olympics

Are you like me? Do you call it a "triple sow cow"?

Did you wonder what a weird genetic hybrid of pig and bovine had to do with figure skating?

Well, I have news for you.

It's called a triple Salchow, and it's named after Ulrich Salchow.

But the pig/cow combo sounds kind of delish.

Helloooo Newman: Killer Tea

Helloooo Newman: Killer Tea: Scientists continue to rain on my food parade. The latest – Killer hot tea. Yes. KILLER   HOT TEA! It gives you cancer, but only if ...

Killer Tea

Scientists continue to rain on my food parade.

The latest – Killer hot tea. Yes. KILLER HOT TEA!

It gives you cancer, but only if you also smoke and drink.

No tea for me.

Helloooo Newman: The New Oprah

Helloooo Newman: The New Oprah: I'm surprised that Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra haven't married. Oprah Chopra The Oprah Chopra show. The Oprah Chopra sh...

The New Oprah

I'm surprised that Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra haven't married.

Oprah Chopra

The Oprah Chopra show.

The Oprah Chopra show live in Okeechobee.

Could you stand the nausea?

Helloooo Newman: Dog World

Helloooo Newman: Dog World: You know what's causing a real ruckus in the dog world? The word "tick". Dogs get confused when they here the word "t...

Dog World

You know what's causing a real ruckus in the dog world?

The word "tick".

Dogs get confused when they here the word "tick", because they don't know if it refers to the involuntary movement tick or the little bastard tick that sucks their blood.

Even to dogs, the language barrier causes real problems.

"Oh shit, dude, a tick."

"Get it off me."

"No, I mean that involuntary movement you always do, licking your non-existent balls."

"Shut up, man. You do it too."

"I'm a girl, you fool."

"Well, you lick your…where is that thing, anyway? I can never find it."

"Lucy told me you were sure looking for it last weekend. #metoo, you filthy dog."

"Lucy is a bitch."

"Of course she is. You failed biology, right?"

Helloooo Newman: Backup Killer

Helloooo Newman: Backup Killer: I filmed an entire movie using my car's backup camera. A few cast members were run over, but I was very pleased with the results. Very...

Backup Killer

I filmed an entire movie using my car's backup camera.

A few cast members were run over, but I was very pleased with the results. Very life-like acting.

It's about a serial killer that murders people by backing over them with his car.

It's called Backup Killer.

Coming to a video store near you, especially the ones that are closing.

Helloooo Newman: Wintery Winter

Helloooo Newman: Wintery Winter: There's only one way to handle this wintery winter. Get the bottom blaster at the car wash.

Wintery Winter

There's only one way to feel good during this wintery winter. Get the bottom blaster at the car wash.

Helloooo Newman: Binge Watching Your Life

Helloooo Newman: Binge Watching Your Life: When you experience a traumatic event and your life flashes before your eyes, what you're really doing is binge-watching your life, like...

Binge Watching Your Life

When you experience a traumatic event and your life flashes before your eyes, what you're really doing is binge-watching your life, like it was on Netflix or something.

Helloooo Newman: When Are You Gonna Vacuum?

Helloooo Newman: When Are You Gonna Vacuum?: My next dog's name will be when are you gonna vacuum? so that every time my wife asks me this, the dog will come running and bug her. ...

When Are You Gonna Vacuum?

My next dog's name will be when are you gonna vacuum? so that every time my wife asks me this, the dog will come running and bug her.

Helloooo Newman: Quit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Quit Bit: I've invented the Quit Bit . It tracks all those times you are ready to work out, but you decide to quit and go for some beer and onio...

Quit Bit

I've invented the Quit Bit.

It tracks all those times you are ready to work out, but you decide to quit and go for some beer and onion rings, or a smoke.

How can you tell if you're a success without tracking your failures?

The Quit Bit.

Helloooo Newman: The Really Long Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Helloooo Newman: The Really Long Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: I'm rushing to buy tickets for Elton John's farewell concert tour, which only runs for 3 years. He wanted to make it 20 years, ...

Helloooo Newman: The Really Long Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Helloooo Newman: The Really Long Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: I'm rushing to buy tickets for Elton John's farewell concert tour, which only runs for 3 years. He wanted to make it 20 years, ...

The Really Long Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

I'm rushing to buy tickets for Elton John's farewell concert tour, which only runs for 3 years.

He wanted to make it 20 years, but has committed to starring in Mars Attacks Two!

Helloooo Newman: Groundhog Day

Helloooo Newman: Groundhog Day: If the human race ever reaches the stars and visits other planets with intelligent life, how will we explain that, despite our glowing techn...

Groundhog Day

If the human race ever reaches the stars and visits other planets with intelligent life, how will we explain that, despite our glowing technology and human ingenuity, we look to a dirt-digging rodent to predict our weather?

I think this may be why aliens don't visit us. They probably have some dirt-digging rodent they use to figure out the world, and are totally embarrassed by it.

And just when we finish explaining why we use a dirt-digging rodent to understand our world, we have to justify why we pray to an invisible man in the sky.

Perhaps we should just stay home.

Helloooo Newman: Fan Hits the Shit

Helloooo Newman: Fan Hits the Shit: Today, instead of sitting around and waiting for the shit to hit the fan, I'm gonna throw the fan directly at the unsuspecting shit. ...

Fan Hits the Shit

Today, instead of sitting around and waiting for the shit to hit the fan, I'm gonna throw the fan directly at the unsuspecting shit. Take it by surprise. Catch it off guard. Can't wait to see its reaction.

Helloooo Newman: A Dog's Poem

Helloooo Newman: A Dog's Poem: A wrote a poem for Newman. "Come here, boy." "Come on, boy. Come here." "Here boy." "Newman, come...

A Dog's Poem

A wrote a poem for Newman.

It's called Come Here, Boy

"Come here, boy."

"Come on, boy. Come here."

"Here boy."

"Newman, come here."

"NEWMAN."

"GET OVER HERE."

"NOW!"

"Bad Newman."