Helloooo Newman: Waist not want not

Helloooo Newman: Waist not want not: Physicists have declared the universe is infinite, which means my waist isn't really that big, in comparison anyway. Mind you, it's ...

Waist not want not

Physicists have declared the universe is infinite, which means my waist isn't really that big, in comparison anyway.

Mind you, it's not easy comparing my waist to the universe. Holding them side-by-side is difficult, especially with my bad back. But you'll hardly notice it in comparison to, say, the Milky Way.

Anyway, I feel better there's lots of extra room in case my waist grows bigger.

Helloooo Newman: Wedding of the century

Helloooo Newman: Wedding of the century: Did you hear Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry are having a spectacular and expensive wedding at Madison Square Garden in New York? Oh, wait a m...

Wedding of the century

Did you hear Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry are having a spectacular and expensive wedding at Madison Square Garden in New York?

Oh, wait a minute. That's Taylor Swift. Wrong rock star.

Justin and Katy will marry in the back seat of an emissions-free electric car partially supported by Canadian taxpayers. Each guest will be reminded that they are on stolen land while attending the festivities. No one knows yet which Tim Hortons parking lot the ceremony will take place in but guests are encouraged to arrive early due to the crowded drive-thru. All guests should be aware that wedding gifts are not tax deductible in Canada, unless you have an awesome accountant.

The wedding song will be Crime of the Century.

Helloooo Newman: Help yourself book

Helloooo Newman: Help yourself book: I'm writing a book for people who need help. It's a help yourself book, which means it's free. Help yourself to it.  My publishe...

Help yourself book

I'm writing a book for people who need help.

It's a help yourself book, which means it's free. Help yourself to it. 

My publisher isn't exactly happy about that part but tough shit.

It's called Fuck this shit about being happy. The subtitle is The universe doesn't promise you happiness so shut up about it.

Contact me to get your advance copy.

If I send it and you don't get it, tough shit.

No one promised you'd be happy.

Helloooo Newman: Tragedy of war

Helloooo Newman: Tragedy of war: Iran just closed the reflecting pool. The price of algae is skyrocketing.

Tragedy of war

Iran just closed the reflecting pool.

The price of algae is skyrocketing.

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Stories

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Stories:   I am totally not kidding. They let me run the country for almost 10 years and me and this other dude, can't remember his name, drove t...

Canadian Stories

 

I am totally not kidding. They let me run the country for almost 10 years and me and this other dude, can't remember his name, drove the country into huge debt. Get this – I spent $35 million funding a company that produced crickets for human consumption. They're out of business now, but – not my money.

Then they give me this huge pension. Oh stop laughing! It's true.

Anyway, looks like our Wagyu ribeyes are ready.

Hey are those croutons or crickets? Heeheehee.

Helloooo Newman: It's all in The Last Detail

Helloooo Newman: It's all in The Last Detail: I sent the Crocs company a message suggesting a new slogan. Drop your socks and grab your crocs, we're going to a party. No word back ye...

It's all in The Last Detail

I sent the Crocs company a message suggesting a new slogan.

Drop your socks and grab your crocs, we're going to a party.

No word back yet.

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. There is no food or water allowed at FIFA...

Wisdom

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

There is no food or water allowed at FIFA.

Helloooo Newman: FIFA-fo-fum

Helloooo Newman: FIFA-fo-fum: The TTC announced they will close huge swaths of the service to install upgrades for the impending FIFA fandango.  But don't worry Toron...

FIFA-fo-fum

The TTC announced they will close huge swaths of the service to install upgrades for the impending FIFA fandango. 

But don't worry Toronto. Once FIFA is done, your favourite transportation service will close again to restore things to their normal crappy shituation.

Don't let the improved service get you down.