Helloooo Newman: Casket case

Helloooo Newman: Casket case: I've been to a few funerals in my time. I've always enjoyed them more than, say, weddings. You don't have to hang around and eat...

Casket case

I've been to a few funerals in my time. I've always enjoyed them more than, say, weddings. You don't have to hang around and eat a crappy meal, talk to someone you don't know and dance to Neil Diamond.

Oh, and no gifts. No expensive chinaware needed.

One thing I've never understood about funerals is the open casket.

I don't get it.

You tell the dead guy to rest in peace and then you have a 100 strangers he doesn't remember staring at him and gossiping right there while he can't defend himself. It's mean.

Leave him alone. It's hard enough being dead and he can't even join the party.

Anytime I've seen an open casket, I always think, dude, ya you look good with 9 layers of makeup on and pumped full of chemicals. But let's face it. You've looked better. Let's close the lid now.

And all the makeup can't be good for the skin. And forget about the stiff suit every dead guy is forced to wear. He's literally a stuffed suit. Why can't someone wear Bermuda shorts and a sweater vest? I they want to.

Why have a lid if you're not going to use it? Wouldn't the coffin be cheaper if you skipped the lid? It's like having a bbq and buying the cover. Do you know how much those covers cost? Who needs it? Save some money.

When you think about it, though, why do coffins have lids at all? So you won't get dirt on the corpse? Oh no, there's a nasty stain on his suit! Meanwhile 10 million worms are munching away.

Finally, when you see the price of caskets, you'll be a casket case.

Go the cool way.

Go cremation.

Helloooo Newman: Window undressing

Helloooo Newman: Window undressing: You ever been porn surfing, you go to make a sandwich, accidentally leave the window up on your screen and your spouse walks by and sees it?...

Window undressing

You ever been porn surfing, you go to make a sandwich, accidentally leave the window up on your screen and your spouse walks by and sees it?

Nah, me neither!

Helloooo Newman: OCD

Helloooo Newman: OCD: Feng shui is just a fancy excuse for having OCD. Normal people put that La-z-boy chair wherever the hell they want.

OCD

Feng shui is just a fancy excuse for having OCD.

Normal people put that La-z-boy chair wherever the hell they want.

Like facing the TV and the beer fridge.

Helloooo Newman: Baby bonus

Helloooo Newman: Baby bonus: Trump is promising $1000 for every new baby. I just don't think Elon deserves $1000.

Baby bonus

Trump is promising $1000 for every new baby.

I just don't think Elon deserves $1000.

Helloooo Newman: My new band

Helloooo Newman: My new band: If you find the time, come watch my new band. It's called OCDC. We spend 2 hours positioning the equipment just perfectly on the stage a...

My new band

If you find the time, come watch my new band.

It's called OCDC.

We spend 2 hours positioning the equipment just perfectly on the stage and then the show is over.

Good family entertainment. No bad language. No politics.

Beer's $30 a cup, though.

Spill it and you're dead.

Also wash your hands before you come.

Helloooo Newman: Frogs at work

Helloooo Newman: Frogs at work: I wonder if frogs ever tell each other to "hop to it" when they really need something done or would it confuse them because they h...

Frogs at work

I wonder if frogs ever tell each other to "hop to it" when they really need something done or would it confuse them because they hop to everything.

Helloooo Newman: The duplicative times we live in

Helloooo Newman: The duplicative times we live in: Aren't you impressed with our new unelected leader? Mark Carney. Yesterday he blew me away with his intellectual skill and prowess as a ...

The duplicative times we live in

Aren't you impressed with our new unelected leader?

Mark Carney.

Yesterday he blew me away with his intellectual skill and prowess as a leader. He used the word "duplicative" in a sentence. That's banker talk.

I had to look it up…and it's a cool word. I had my wife look it up too which, once I knew the meaning, I realized was duplicative of me.

It means to duplicate things, like spending and resources. Apparently it's important now to get rid of government duplicating things. It's a waste of resources. Unless you're at Staples and you need duplicates of your marriage licence or your immigration status. That's allowed. And duplicating people. We need a higher birth rate.

I guess it hasn't occurred to him that the CBC, which the government pays 1.2 billion for every year, might be a duplication of all the other tv channels we have. But getting rid of the CBC and Tim Hortons would be a lobotomization of the Canadian spirit.

But we do need to duplicate more family doctors and nurses. Hey, I know where you can get your hands on 1.2 billion.

I thought it was duplicitous times we lived in but I guess it's really duplicative. You can see how easy it is to confuse that. You can see how easy it is to confuse that. You can see how easy it is to confuse that. 

Meanwhile, there's poor Pollyeve. Pollyviril? Pollyvirus? With his arch nemesis gone, he thought he was running against Art Carney and has been watching The Honeymooners non-stop with Doug the Slug to get dirt on his opponent. Now that the carbon tax is gone, I guess we'll be carbon dating PPs usefulness.

And the NDP?

Who?

Happy voting.

Helloooo Newman: Pop quiz

Helloooo Newman: Pop quiz: Good girl, Coco. Now for a treat, what's Pi to the fourth digit? Whipped cream? I love pie! I can't count. Tell me!

Pop quiz

Good girl, Coco. Now for a treat, what's Pi to the fourth digit?

Whipped cream?

I love pie!

I can't count. Tell me!

Helloooo Newman: Wrong Planet

Helloooo Newman: Wrong Planet: The rescued astronauts shocked everyone today by expressing outrage at coming home. Did we say earth? Did we? Did we say we wanted to come b...

Wrong Planet

The rescued astronauts shocked everyone today by expressing outrage at coming home.

Did we say earth? Did we? Did we say we wanted to come back here?

They were hoping for a nice sane planet in the constellation Caelum, even though it takes 2 billion years to get there and house prices are even worse.

Helloooo Newman: Hockey name in Canada

Helloooo Newman: Hockey name in Canada: In order to get everyone on board with the fight against climate change, the Edmonton Oilers will now be called the Edmonton Car Batteries. ...

Hockey name in Canada

In order to get everyone on board with the fight against climate change, the Edmonton Oilers will now be called the Edmonton Car Batteries.

Don't forget.

Helloooo Newman: Mad Max: Battery Done Died

Helloooo Newman: Mad Max: Battery Done Died: Normally I can't stand movie sequels.  Save for a few –  The Godfather   2 obviously, some of the Alien movies. But generally, if I wer...

Mad Max: Battery Done Died

Normally I can't stand movie sequels. 

Save for a few – The Godfather 2 obviously, some of the Alien movies.

But generally, if I were a movie maker I'd stay far away from sequels, especially when they're based on an already great movie.

The only exception I'll make is when a great idea for a script comes along, like the one I've written.

It's called Mad Max: Battery Done Died.

Get this.

Takes place in the future, after an apocalypse, like Trump's second term in office. Or maybe his third.

It's all evil gangs and electric cars.

The electric cars are trying to chase each other down and terrorize each other and it's complete mayhem.

But no one can find a charging station out in the middle of nowhere. So the cars and evil gangs sit around waiting. Until society changes from its addiction to oil and there's more charging stations.

I'm optioning it to several studios as I write. Haven't heard back yet. Weird!

Stay tuned at a movie theatre near you!

Helloooo Newman: The Artful DOGER

Helloooo Newman: The Artful DOGER: Coming to America. Okay, it's already here. The Artful DOGER, starring Elon Musk. He's the leader of Trump's gang. Picks your po...

The Artful DOGER

Coming to America.

Okay, it's already here.

The Artful DOGER, starring Elon Musk.

He's the leader of Trump's gang. Picks your pocket on your way out the door from being fired.

Can sing a tune, too.

Runs for 4 years. Maybe 8!

Helloooo Newman: Let's get pissed

Helloooo Newman: Let's get pissed: It is said that Trump is really Putin's dog. If that's true, and he wants to own Canada, Greenland, the Panama Canal, the Gaza strip...

Let's get pissed

It is said that Trump is really Putin's dog.

If that's true, and he wants to own Canada, Greenland, the Panama Canal, the Gaza strip and perhaps the entire globe, why doesn't he just pee on them?

That's what my dog does to secure ownership. The whole neighbourhood knows he owns it.

And hey, isn't there a theory that some Russian hookers peed on him?

That must be Putin's way of owning him.

For more political commentary, stay tuned.

Helloooo Newman: Substance

Helloooo Newman: Substance: Too bad Demi Moore didn't have the votes to win best actress, but I voted for her for Ontario Premier. She's the only one with Subst...

Substance

Too bad Demi Moore didn't have the votes to win best actress, but I voted for her for Ontario Premier.

She's the only one with Substance.

Helloooo Newman: The planets

Helloooo Newman: The planets: Tonight the planets are all in a row for the last time until 2040. Coincidentally, all my ducks are in a row too. If you stand out in your b...

The planets

Tonight the planets are all in a row for the last time until 2040.

Coincidentally, all my ducks are in a row too. If you stand out in your backyard you might be able to see them. Won't happen again until I'm dead.

It's so astrocalogical.

Helloooo Newman: Investment advice

Helloooo Newman: Investment advice: I'm moving all my money to the Toronto Snow Bank. I figure it'll be around a lot longer than ScotiaBank. Hope I don't freeze my ...

Investment advice

I'm moving all my money to the Toronto Snow Bank.

I figure it'll be around a lot longer than ScotiaBank.

Hope I don't freeze my assets off.

For more investment advice, call your mom.

Helloooo Newman: I'm melting

Helloooo Newman: I'm melting: The Toronto Mayor expressed dissatisfaction with the snow removal services, vowing to review the contract. In a miraculous event scientists ...

I'm melting

The Toronto Mayor expressed dissatisfaction with the snow removal services, vowing to review the contract.

In a miraculous event scientists can't explain, all the snow suddenly melted.

People reported seeing terrified expressions in huge piles of snow, especially the piles 20 feet and higher.

Helloooo Newman: Mayor of Toronto gives me a snow job

Helloooo Newman: Mayor of Toronto gives me a snow job: I'm so excited. My neighbourhood is slated for snow removal in July. Finally I'll get my car out. Gonna go for a drive down Yonge St...

Mayor of Toronto gives me a snow job

I'm so excited.

My neighbourhood is slated for snow removal in July.

Finally I'll get my car out.

Gonna go for a drive down Yonge Street.

Helloooo Newman: Superman's surcharge

Helloooo Newman: Superman's surcharge: Superman wanna be Donald Trump just announced that the tariffs on steel will, indeed, apply to the man of steel. Superman is not happy! He w...

Superman's surcharge

Superman wanna be

Donald Trump just announced that the tariffs on steel will, indeed, apply to the man of steel.

Superman is not happy!

He will now have to apply a surcharge for all his mighty deeds.

Caught on a runaway train driven by an evildoer? Be prepared to pay up. And before he saves you.

If the entire earth needs saving? You can't afford it, buddy.

In a flyby protest, Superman zipped over the White House and dropped turkeys. Of course he knows they can't fly.

"Let's slap tariffs on kryptonite", Superman pleaded.

As of last night, Superman was seen beating up Elon Musk with a Mercedes hood ornament and it was going very well.

Helloooo Newman: My car is a loner

Helloooo Newman: My car is a loner: Finally got my dream Tesla. Weird, though. Last night it took itself for a drive. All alone. I woke up at 2:30 am. Where are you going? For ...

My car is a loner

Finally got my dream Tesla.

Weird, though. Last night it took itself for a drive. All alone.

I woke up at 2:30 am.

Where are you going?

For a drive, you moron.

Without me?

Who needs you?

But I paid for you!

Take it up wth Musk. I'm outta here.

It took the "Baby on Board" sign off the car and put on "No one on Board".

Helloooo Newman: Parallels

Helloooo Newman: Parallels: Today I had to parallel park. It's never easy but this time I ended up on a person's front lawn, parallel to their bushes. That got ...

Parallels

Today I had to parallel park. It's never easy but this time I ended up on a person's front lawn, parallel to their bushes.

That got me thinking.

I wonder if people who live in a parallel universe are good at parallel parking.

Kinda makes sense they are.

Instead of Instagram they probably have Parallelogram.

Neat!

Helloooo Newman: You're fired!

Helloooo Newman: You're fired!: Been wondering why there are some many fires on the TTC? And always at rush hour. An in-depth, uncompromising and unbiased docmentary by the...

You're fired!

Been wondering why there are some many fires on the TTC? And always at rush hour.

An in-depth, uncompromising and unbiased docmentary by the CBC has uncovered the truth.

Drew Barrymore is the actual CEO of the TTC.

Funding for the CBC will immediately be doubled so that unanswered questions can be answered: why burn the TTC when the London Underground is far more prestigious?; why wasn't she in Firestarter 2?; is she really addicted to Reese's Pieces? 

That's the spirit, Toronto! Get fired up about the truth.

Helloooo Newman: The new TTC

Helloooo Newman: The new TTC: The TTC will be changing its name. It used to be the Toronto Transit Commission. It's now called the Toronto Transitory Commission. Tran...

The new TTC

The TTC will be changing its name.

It used to be the Toronto Transit Commission.

It's now called the Toronto Transitory Commission.

Transitory means brief or short lasting.

And that's what your subway ride will be. Because they're on their 70th year of repairing it.

Terms like "track work", "electrical issues", "fire", "raccoon", "police activity", "oil spill", "shuttle buses", "paint drying", "lunch break" and "we're tired of fixing it" are regular terms every TTC employee practices saying every day on the job.

Instead of saying TTC, please say the entire name out loud so we all know the truth.

If you really need to get to work, work in London, England. The London Underground, established in 1863, continues to hum along and is 2 billion times larger than the Toronto Transitory Commission.

Helloooo Newman: Freeland ride

Helloooo Newman: Freeland ride: If you look closely, and I have, you'll notice something strange about the "new" Chrystia Freeland running for the Liberal lea...

Freeland ride

If you look closely, and I have, you'll notice something strange about the "new" Chrystia Freeland running for the Liberal leadership.

That's right. It's Justin Trudeau in drag. Trying to sneak back into office.

This is all backed up on TikTok.

Clever guy. Girl. Bit too much lipstick if you ask me.

But at least he opted out of the blackface.

Helloooo Newman: I want my Panama

Helloooo Newman: I want my Panama: Panamanians will now call themselves pandemoniums.

I want my Panama

Panamanians will now call themselves pandemoniums.

Helloooo Newman: Presto chango

Helloooo Newman: Presto chango: Remarkable. On Trump's first day in office he has 100 executive orders lined up to be…executed. He also wants to execute more people. I ...

Presto chango

Remarkable. On Trump's first day in office he has 100 executive orders lined up to be…executed.

He also wants to execute more people. I wonder if they'll get the two confused.

I really don't think he can do it. 100 is wayyyy too many.

It's just like when I first moved in with my wife.

She had 100 chores ready for me to…execute.

I managed to get the vacuum plugged in and then required a nap. Suddenly it was the next day. Good thing executing your spouse is not allowed.

So even though you're excited about the positive change In Washington, don't plan on things happening so fast. 

Helloooo Newman: The good life

Helloooo Newman: The good life: When life gives me lemons, I wear my lululemons.

The good life

When life gives me lemons, I wear my lululemons.

Helloooo Newman: No more Factbook

Helloooo Newman: No more Factbook: Since Facebook is ending its fact checking services, I would like to finally announce that I'm Jesus Christ. Pray to me…harder!

No more Factbook

Since Facebook is ending its fact checking services, I would like to finally announce that I'm Jesus Christ.

Pray to me…harder!

Helloooo Newman: Another hero dies

Helloooo Newman: Another hero dies: I just found out the one and only Betty White had a nasty side to her behind the camera. She fat-shamed people. How to destroy any hope I ha...

Another hero dies

I just found out the one and only Betty White had a nasty side to her behind the camera.

She fat-shamed people.

How to destroy any hope I have in humanity.

Betty Fucking White…nasty!

And Michelle Obama isn't attending Trump's inaugural. 

Michelle Fucking Obama (oops, sorry).

First of all, if I was a celebrity, I'd reverse it. Be a total sweetheart behind the camera and the nastiest asshole in front of it. For transparency.

And I'm definitely selling my ticket to the trump party.

Helloooo Newman: NDE

Helloooo Newman: NDE: What's with this near death experience? People say, with this angelic look glued on their visage, that they died and joined the afterlif...

NDE

What's with this near death experience?

People say, with this angelic look glued on their visage, that they died and joined the afterlife, which is always the same. Saw my relatives, I was at total peace, no traffic, no taxes, I didn't want to come back.

Yet when they're alive they don't even want to have Thanksgiving dinner with their relatives. There are no food fights in Heaven.

Besides, if you're dead, you're not near dead. You're dead. You're not mostly dead. You're dead. So where did this "near" come from?

I'm near death. So are you. It could happen in a New York nanosecond. A Fedex truck hits you. You're dead and in Heaven, Fedup with life.

It's doesn't get any nearer.

Imagine coming back to life and your entire attitude is "I don't want to be here. This sucks. You should check out this other place" God has some 'splanin' to do. Why live if being dead is so wonderful? It's like when I was stuck in the New Jersey airport on my way to New York. This sucks, where's Legoland?

Then God saunters along, Jesus chained to His leg. Welcome to the party, pal (being in charge of the afterlife, obviously he's a Die Hard fan). Party's over. Yer going back. Enjoy. Taxes due next week.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!