I had a chat with Toronto's Congestion Czar last week. I capitalize that because, well, he's a Czar.
Turns out he had a cold and was all congested. How ironic, I said to him. He didn't see the irony.
"You know, just like the traffic. Congested."
Lots of phlegm noice.
Anyway, I don't mean to be so dismissive. He has some good ideas on the best way to get around Toronto given the ever-increasing number of cars, perpetual construction, a subway that doesn't open or can only stay running for 5 days before needing a fix, or is on fire, increasing Uber prices and more and more people getting stabbed or gunned down when they walk somewhere.
Some of his ideas for getting around efficiently are:
Stay home
Try another city, like Sal Paulo, population 5 billion
Map your trip out on Google Maps, then cancel the trip
If you're heading to Home Depot, cancel, as Olivia Chow suggested. This is one of the more clever-er ideas. By boycotting Home Depot, their business will go down, they'll lay people off, those unemployed people will stay home and boom, less traffic. I think that's called trickle-down unemployment. Kinda brilliant! Also skip the parade.
Don't wait for Ford, dig your own tunnel. Too bad you have to boycott Home Depot. There's a sale on Fisher-Price pails and shovels.
The number one suggestion is this: die, have your body put in a coffin, have a funeral, put the coffin in a hearse, join a long line of cars with a police escort. You'll sail along. I guess you could sneak in a trip to Home Depot as well.
