Helloooo Newman: Mission: Impossible

Helloooo Newman: Mission: Impossible: Have you tried the new veggie burger called the Impossible burger? Selling like…hot burgers. Be sure to try the new Mission: Impossible...

Mission: Impossible

Have you tried the new veggie burger called the Impossible burger? Selling like…hot burgers.

Be sure to try the new Mission: Impossible burger.

As you cook the burger, a tiny voice instructs you on your mission to save the planet. If you choose to take on this mission, take a bite, but quickly. In 5 seconds it explodes onto your clothes.

Helloooo Newman: Outta Left Field

Helloooo Newman: Outta Left Field: How come unexpected things always come outta left field? You'd think by now we'd hire someone to watch left field for those nasty su...

Outta Left Field

How come unexpected things always come outta left field? You'd think by now we'd hire someone to watch left field for those nasty surprises. How about a baseball player? He has experience.

"Watch out, something coming outta left field." ZZZZiiippp. There it goes.

Of course, if I were the universe, I would just switch to right field, to fuck up people even more. Then I'd switch from left to right to left etc. I'd try centre field a few times too. Maybe from the players box too.

Shit, now we need to hire an entire baseball team to keep watch.

Well, baseball players don't really do much else to do so makes sense.

Helloooo Newman: Jiffy

Helloooo Newman: Jiffy: "I'll be back in a jiffy." How do we know how long a jiffy is? How long should I wait for this person to return? More impo...

Jiffy

"I'll be back in a jiffy."

How do we know how long a jiffy is? How long should I wait for this person to return?

More importantly, is Jiffy Pop really ready in a jiffy? How do I know unless someone tells me how long a jiffy is. All this time, Jiffy Pop could have been lying to us, with their popcorn that takes 6 or 7 jiffies to make.

Can I get a watch that measures jiffies?

How many jiffies will I live?

Helloooo Newman: Erectile Embarrassment

Helloooo Newman: Erectile Embarrassment: Yesterday I got a piloerection on the subway. I couldn't hide it. So embarrassing.

Erectile Embarrassment

Yesterday I got a piloerection on the subway. I couldn't hide it.

So embarrassing.

But good to know I can still get them.

Helloooo Newman: Flush the Toilet Doggie Style

Helloooo Newman: Flush the Toilet Doggie Style: You know how a dog goes poo and then scratches the area around it with his back legs as if he's covering it up? You've seen that, ...

Flush the Toilet Doggie Style

You know how a dog goes poo and then scratches the area around it with his back legs as if he's covering it up?

You've seen that, right?

Well, that's the doggie equivalent of a person flushing the toilet. So if your dog forgets to do that, be sure to yell at him. "Flush the damn toilet, dude."

If you have a male dog and he leaves the lid up, scream bloody murder at him. That's what my wife does to me.

Helloooo Newman: Let's All Say Tit for Tat

Helloooo Newman: Let's All Say Tit for Tat: In this era where entire careers are destroyed for saying one wrong word in public, it's refreshing to know we can still use phrases lik...

Let's All Say Tit for Tat

In this era where entire careers are destroyed for saying one wrong word in public, it's refreshing to know we can still use phrases like tit for tat and live to see another day.

A very scholarly looking gentleman on CNN used the phrase in the context of the tension with Iran. Here's part of what he said: Once you start getting into tit for tats, and the tits and the tats are often asymmetric…

Looking at this guy's face, I doubt he had in his mind a nice set of boobies. Breasts. Sweater meat. Whatever you choose to call them. But in Twitterland you can never be sure.

I think he's going to get away with it. What a nice surprise.

I'm going to use this phrase more often. In the right context, of course.

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause: I applied for a job at the National Security Agency. I told them I'm really good at keeping secrets. For experience, I put down that I w...

Guffaws Pause

I applied for a job at the National Security Agency. I told them I'm really good at keeping secrets. For experience, I put down that I worked at Victoria's Secret. I kept their secret for ten long years. Oh, I was pumped for info. Nope. Not a word revealed. No interview yet.


I'm excited about this new jean therapy. Mine are all falling apart.


Cosmologists have discovered that the universe was actually made in China, and did not arise out of the Big Bang, as originally thought. Our universe is based on hacked plans from a far better universe that is great to live in and makes perfect sense. As punishment, the other universe has erected tariffs.


My wife and I are getting semi-detached. We want a divorce, but we're still friends.


My bank account needs more commas and less brackets.

Helloooo Newman: Bygone

Helloooo Newman: Bygone: I sat down with a bygone the other day and said, "Listen, bygone, you don't have to be just a bygone. You're better than that....

Bygone

I sat down with a bygone the other day and said, "Listen, bygone, you don't have to be just a bygone. You're better than that. You can be more. So much more."

He insisted that I should let a bygone be a bygone. "Give me space, man. I'm just a bygone."

I feel sorry for him with that kind of limited thinking. It's holding him back.

Remember, you don't have to be just you. You can be more than you. If you want to be.

Helloooo Newman: 12-Step Program

Helloooo Newman: 12-Step Program: I joined a 12-step program and then realized, shit, I'm getting old. Can't we change the steps to a wheelchair ramp?

12-Step Program

I joined a 12-step program and then realized, shit, I'm getting old. Can't we change the steps to a wheelchair ramp?

Helloooo Newman: Billionaire

Helloooo Newman: Billionaire: There's no  "fucking creep" written all over this guy I've often wondered what it would be like to be rich. Really r...

Billionaire

There's no "fucking creep" written all over this guy

I've often wondered what it would be like to be rich. Really rich. Like, a billionaire.

Hmmmm. I'd give to charity for sure. Buy a nice concert grand piano. Travel a lot. Eat at nice restaurants at least once a week.

I don't need a really big house, but I would like to live in a nice area with lots of trees and water nearby.

But what's left after that?

Hmmmm.

Sex trafficking. That's the answer. It's so obvious I almost missed it.

Now, how do I get to be a billionaire?

Helloooo Newman: Sleep

Helloooo Newman: Sleep: People say I'm sleeping away my life. Ya, well they're living away their sleep. I think the world would be a much better place if...

Sleep

People say I'm sleeping away my life. Ya, well they're living away their sleep.


I think the world would be a much better place if we all just slept in.


I've slept with a lot of women in my days. A lot. After we wake up, I would ask, is it sex time now?


To sleep, perchance to wake up. Ay, there's the rub.


I eat, breath and sleep sleep.


I only sleep 10 hours a day because I'm a slow sleeper.


People warn me, you'll never get any exercise if you sleep all the time. Haven't you heard of the sleep cycle? I ride it 10 hours a day.

Helloooo Newman: Difficult Age

Helloooo Newman: Difficult Age: I'm at that awkward age where I can't be pushed around in a stroller but I also can't justify using a motorized scooters.

Difficult Age

I'm at that awkward age where I can't be pushed around in a stroller but I also can't convince my insurance company to pay for a motorized scooter.

Helloooo Newman: Job Search

Helloooo Newman: Job Search: Because I would not look for work He kindly looked for me —almost Emily Dickinson

Job Search

Because I would not look for work

He kindly looked for me

—almost Emily Dickinson

Helloooo Newman: Motivational Moment

Helloooo Newman: Motivational Moment: The kind of person I can't stand is the kind that describes themselves as "results-driven". "Results-driven" means...

Motivational Moment

The kind of person I can't stand is the kind that describes themselves as "results-driven".

"Results-driven" means "I'm a fucking drag to hang around. You better be as motivated as I am. You could have done that much better. Excellence. Strive for excellence in everything."

Deep down, people who describe themselves this way are saying, "I'm a fucking drag and I wish someone would punch me in my genes so I can start living like a real human being."

Fuck results. The only final result of your life is your death. Every other result is part of a long journey. Enjoy the journey. Sometimes you'll do well, sometimes you'll suck. Who gives a fuck. No one's keeping score. Except maybe everyone around you. Fuck 'em. Punch them in the genes.

"Hey, I'm results-driven. Watch me drink this beer in 30 seconds and then drive this spike up your ass."

Please, take this little motivational moment and use it to your advantage.

Helloooo Newman: The Older Ben

Helloooo Newman: The Older Ben: It's a sad fact that as I get older, I'm moving from Ben-adryl to Ben-Gay.

The Older Ben

It's a sad fact that as I get older, I'm moving from Ben-adryl to Ben-Gay.

Helloooo Newman: Eye Doctor

Helloooo Newman: Eye Doctor: I told my eye doctor I can only see distances when they're close up.

Helloooo Newman: Eye Doctor

Helloooo Newman: Eye Doctor: I told my eye doctor I can only see distances when they're close up.

Eye Doctor

I told my eye doctor I can only see distances when they're close up.