Helloooo Newman: Hookers

Helloooo Newman: Hookers: Hooker? Trickvago!

Hookers

Hotel and a hooker?

Trickvago!

Helloooo Newman: Apple Pie

Helloooo Newman: Apple Pie: My wife bought me a slice of apple pie without ice cream. Apple pie without ice cream is crazy. It's like having apple pie without ic...

Apple Pie

My wife bought me a slice of apple pie without ice cream.

Apple pie without ice cream is crazy. It's like having apple pie without ice cream.

Helloooo Newman: This Cud's for You

Helloooo Newman: This Cud's for You: Cudweiser…the beer of cows.

This Cud's for You

Cudweiser…the beer of cows.

Helloooo Newman: Smoking Gun

Helloooo Newman: Smoking Gun: It's remarkable that there are over 300 million guns in the United States, and yet during a scandal we almost never quite find that s...

Smoking Gun

It's remarkable that there are over 300 million guns in the United States, and yet during a scandal we almost never find that smoking gun.

Helloooo Newman: More Pieces Please

Helloooo Newman: More Pieces Please: I hope when I get to Heaven I can have more than 3 pieces of bacon with my breakfast.

More Pieces Please

I hope when I get to Heaven I can have more than 3 pieces of bacon with my breakfast.

Helloooo Newman: Cicadas

Helloooo Newman: Cicadas: I've never understood cicadas. Do they buzz all day because they love the heat or are they complaining that they don't have centr...

Cicadas

I've never understood cicadas. Do they buzz all day because they love the heat or are they complaining that they don't have central air?

Maybe they're upset that they look like tiny pugs with wings.

Helloooo Newman: No More Nails

Helloooo Newman: No More Nails: Didn't want to spend on a manicure so I put No More Nails on my nail tips. They're still too long. What gives?

No More Nails

Didn't want to spend on a manicure so I put No More Nails on my nail tips. They're still too long. What gives?

Helloooo Newman: Silver Spoon

Helloooo Newman: Silver Spoon: I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth but my mom forgot to rinse off the metal polish. That explains the brain damage.

Silver Spoon

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth but my mom forgot to ask the maid to rinse off the metal polish. That explains the brain damage.

Helloooo Newman: Book Club

Helloooo Newman: Book Club: I'm so excited. After a lot of pleading and the hiring of expert lawyers, my book club has convinced the Attorney General of the United ...

Book Club

I'm so excited. After a lot of pleading and the hiring of expert lawyers, my book club has convinced the Attorney General of the United States to let us read the Mueller Report as our next "book".

As long as we keep it a secret. Even from each other. Should be a good discussion.

"I think it contains this." "Well, I think it contains that." This. That. This. That. The other thing. Useful discussion.

No, I'm not telling what's in it. There's almost no amount of money that would convince me to do that.

Helloooo Newman: Roll Over Beethoven

Helloooo Newman: Roll Over Beethoven: I wonder if, when I'm dead, someone will say something that causes me to roll over in my grave. Just to be safe, I'm getting an ex...

Roll Over Beethoven

I wonder if, when I'm dead, someone will say something that causes me to roll over in my grave.

Just to be safe, I'm getting an extra wide casket made so I can do it comfortably.

Helloooo Newman: Puppy Love

Helloooo Newman: Puppy Love: This is Dasher, our newest friend. Believe it or not, some people walk by Dasher and don't smile, giggle, go googly eyes, become r...

Puppy Love

This is Dasher, our newest friend.

Believe it or not, some people walk by Dasher and don't smile, cry, giggle, go googly eyes, become reduced to a puddle of love and want to hug him. One woman actually scowled at Dasher as she walked by.

I believe these people are possessed by the Devil. Lucifer. The Prince of Darkness. Mephistopheles. Or simply, Satan. From now on I use Dasher as a friend screen. I put Dasher in front of a prospective friend and if they don't exhibit any of the symptoms I mention above, I run far away from them, and pray for their soul.

Notice the white spot on Dasher's nose. Ya, I thought he had a nasty coke habit too. Nope. Born with this spot. It makes him unique, and the most loveable thing this universe has to offer at the moment.

Helloooo Newman: Facebook Suggestions

Helloooo Newman: Facebook Suggestions: Hey Facebook. Here's a suggestion about friend suggestions. I know you're desperate for connections, kind of like Oregon's ...

Facebook Suggestions

Hey Facebook. Here's a suggestion about friend suggestions.

I know you're desperate for connections, kind of like Oregon's Honey Mushroom, which started out as one spore and is now the largest living organism, living below ground, covering an area of 2,200 acres and eating trees in its path, but…you can assume that I don't want to be friends with my 17-year-old daughter's friends, okay?

What am I? Some kind of creepy uncle who dresses up as Santa every year?

Helloooo Newman: Helicopter Mom

Helloooo Newman: Helicopter Mom: My mom was sort of a helicopter mom, but more of the Black Hawk Down kind.

Helicopter Mom

My mom was sort of a helicopter mom, but more of the Black Hawk Down kind.

Helloooo Newman: Amber Alerts

Helloooo Newman: Amber Alerts: When are Amber Alerts gonna cover abduction by aliens?

Amber Alerts

When are Amber Alerts gonna cover abduction by aliens?

Helloooo Newman: Writing's On The Wall

Helloooo Newman: Writing's On The Wall: I wish my friend would get a Facebook account. Instead of writing on my virtual "wall", he broke into my house and wrote on my act...

Writing's On The Wall

I wish my friend would get a Facebook account. Instead of writing on my virtual "wall", he broke into my house and wrote on my actual wall. In sharpie. Won't come off.

He could have just called to say happy birthday.

Helloooo Newman: Dog Head Collection

Helloooo Newman: Dog Head Collection: Here is my dog head collection.

Dog Head Collection

Here is my dog head collection.

Helloooo Newman: Death is Far

Helloooo Newman: Death is Far: There is no denying I'm getting old. On all my mirrors I've written "death is further away than it appears."

Death is Far

There is no denying I'm getting old. On all my mirrors I've written "death is further away than it appears."

Helloooo Newman: Peace for the Baby

Helloooo Newman: Peace for the Baby: There will be no war with North Korea. Kim is carrying Trump's baby.

Peace for the Baby

There will be no war with North Korea. Kim is carrying Trump's baby.

Helloooo Newman: Me Day

Helloooo Newman: Me Day: Silly me. Totally forgot about International Men's Day Yesterday.  About time I got some recognition.

Me Day

Silly me. Totally forgot about International Men's Day Yesterday. 

About time I got some recognition.

Helloooo Newman: Acne Scholars

Helloooo Newman: Acne Scholars: Another new and startling study has arrived. This one concludes that having acne can lead to better grades. Here it is, if you're bo...

Acne Scholars

Another new and startling study has arrived.

This one concludes that having acne can lead to better grades.

Here it is, if you're bored.

https://nationalpost.com/news/canada/cheer-up-kid-it-turns-out-all-that-acne-could-be-good-for-your-grades

Also found: Students who develop leprosy go on to become Rhodes Scholars.

Helloooo Newman: Sanders for President

Helloooo Newman: Sanders for President: I think if we're going to have an old man for President, I prefer Colonel Sanders to Bernie Sanders. At least we get chicken-for-ever...

Sanders for President

I think if we're going to have an old man for President, I prefer Colonel Sanders to Bernie Sanders. At least we get chicken-for-everyone out of the deal. It's not the Green-New-Deal but it fills tummies. And look, he even smiles. Here's the Colonel explaining that KFC is really made from racehorse meat.

Below is Bernie Sanders vowing that if elected President, he won't reveal the eleven secret herbs and spices. Finally, he's shutting up.

Helloooo Newman: Leaving Neverland

Helloooo Newman: Leaving Neverland: Michael Jackson seemed so normal to me.

Leaving Neverland

Michael Jackson seemed so normal to me.

Helloooo Newman: Hospital Food

Helloooo Newman: Hospital Food: I wonder if the food sucks in doggie hospitals like it does in human hospitals. I bet the dogs complain just like we do. Dog: Hey, is this...

Hospital Food

I wonder if the food sucks in doggie hospitals like it does in human hospitals. I bet the dogs complain just like we do.

Dog: Hey, is this a new shoe? I specifically asked for a worn shoe, Italian leather. And if I'm not mistaken this tastes like fresh water. What about the toilet water I asked for?

Vet: Oh dear, were you sick here? I'll clean that up.

Dog: Leave that. I'm taking it home. Can you bring me the bed pan?

Helloooo Newman: Jet Set

Helloooo Newman: Jet Set: Can I use my air miles to hang out with the jet set?

Jet Set

Can I use my air miles to hang out with the jet set?