Helloooo Newman: No Stone Unturned

Helloooo Newman: No Stone Unturned: You know what I would hate? If I lived on Easter Island and someone lost something really important, like an expensive diamond wedding ri...

No Stone Unturned

You know what I would hate? If I lived on Easter Island and someone lost something really important, like an expensive diamond wedding ring. Then the entire island would have to look for it, and someone would say, "We are leaving no stone unturned until it's found."

What? I sure as ain't lifting those huge fucking stone faces. Cancel the wedding.

Helloooo Newman: Boots on the Ground

Helloooo Newman: Boots on the Ground: For the next war I think we should actually drop boots onto the ground of the enemy. It's worth a try. Those army boots have really hard...

Boots on the Ground

For the next war I think we should actually drop boots onto the ground of the enemy. It's worth a try. Those army boots have really hard soles, and probably steel toes. That could really hurt people if dropped in large numbers. They would probably kick the teeth out of a lot of the enemy, especially if they're looking into the sky to see what's falling.

Once the war is over, we can sell the boots to the enemy if they want to keep them.

#warsolved.

Helloooo Newman: Ant Farm

Helloooo Newman: Ant Farm: Why is it called an ant farm? Doesn't look or smell like a farm. I've never seen an ant driving some wide tractor that takes up the ...

Ant Farm

Why is it called an ant farm? Doesn't look or smell like a farm. I've never seen an ant driving some wide tractor that takes up the entire road and makes me late to the cottage.

"Damn ant farmers. Get outta my way. I get my food at the grocery store."

"I'll step on your farm if you don't move!"

That's one good thing about the ant farm. You can put them out of business with a whomp of your foot. "Is that an illegal opium crop? Not any more."

And yet they always rebuild it.

"Hey Joe, maybe we should give up and relocate?"

"Are you kidding? My ancestors have been toiling this sand for ages. This is our land."

Helloooo Newman: The Wall

Helloooo Newman: The Wall: If I were a wall, I'd hate to be a load-bearing wall. Sounds so stressful. Too much responsibility. "Hey wall, if you collapse, you...

The Wall

If I were a wall, I'd hate to be a load-bearing wall. Sounds so stressful. Too much responsibility. "Hey wall, if you collapse, you are responsible for the deaths of many people. Good luck."

I guess I'd listen to The Band's The Weight all day. "Put the load (the studs would do the backing vocals – put the load, put the load ) right on me."

I'd rather be a regular wall whose only responsibility is to divide two rooms. Or better yet, one of those half walls with a counter on it. People sit around me and rest their drinks. That sounds like fun. I'd be a social wall.

Of course, the rest of the house would call me names. "Hey, half wall. Your mother's a subfloor."

Helloooo Newman: Night Vision

Helloooo Newman: Night Vision: I wonder if you can get night vision contacts. Would make hunting terrorists at night much easier as well as comfortable and stylish. I...

Night Vision

I wonder if you can get night vision contacts. Would make hunting terrorists at night much easier as well as comfortable and stylish.

I doubt they come in disposable. That's totally dumb.

Helloooo Newman: Zombie Salad

Helloooo Newman: Zombie Salad: I'd hate to be a vegetarian who turns into a zombie. You don't see many zombies wandering the forest looking for the salad bar.

Zombie Salad

I'd hate to be a vegetarian who turns into a zombie. You don't see many zombies wandering the forest looking for the salad bar.

I'm sorry but human flesh gives me explosive diarrhea.

Helloooo Newman: Salt Lamp

Helloooo Newman: Salt Lamp: Can I season my food with a salt lamp? Will my steak electrocute me?

Salt Lamp

Can I season my food with a Himalayan salt lamp? Will my steak electrocute me?

Helloooo Newman: Alcohol Deaths

Helloooo Newman: Alcohol Deaths: The WHO (not the band but the World Health Organization)  found that 3 million people died from alcohol consumption in 2016. The rest had a ...

Alcohol Deaths

The WHO (not the band but the World Health Organization) found that 3 million people died from alcohol consumption in 2016. The rest had a great time.

Helloooo Newman: Autobiography

Helloooo Newman: Autobiography: I'm writing an autobiography of my car.

Autobiography

I'm writing an autobiography of my car.

Helloooo Newman: Immunity

Helloooo Newman: Immunity: My immune system has been down recently so I hung out with some bad guys, committed crimes as I learned how they operated, went to the prose...

Immunity

My immune system has been down recently so I hung out with some bad guys, committed crimes as I learned how they operated, went to the prosecutor with all the details and asked for immunity.

Helloooo Newman: Laugh Track

Helloooo Newman: Laugh Track: Soon all Helloooo Newman blogs will be accompanied by a laugh track. This way you will know which parts to laugh at, if any, and how hard an...

Laugh Track

Soon all Helloooo Newman blogs will be accompanied by a laugh track. This way you will know which parts to laugh at, if any, and how hard and long to laugh.

Should you spit your milk out at a particular funny bit? Pee your pants? Slap your knee? Or are you reading one of the more profound articles exploring the human condition in a rigor mortis way. Or is that rigorous? I'll check that.

Please pay attention to the kind of laugh as well. This will guide you on the proper type of sound to emit. Among the available laughs will be a chortle, guffaw, smirk accompanied by a phlegmy clearing-your-throat sound, cackle, giggle, the silent laugh, har-har and my favourite, tee-hee.

Please, no laughing your ass off at Newman blogs.

Thank you.

Helloooo Newman: Death Wish

Helloooo Newman: Death Wish: I'm donating my ashes to the Fireplace Channel. I'm donating my body to pseudoscience.

Death Wish

I'm donating my ashes to the Fireplace Channel.

I'm donating my body to pseudoscience.

Helloooo Newman: Batteries

Helloooo Newman: Batteries: I bought some batteries and the electricity was sold separately.

Batteries

I bought some batteries and the electricity was sold separately.

Helloooo Newman: Fight or Flight

Helloooo Newman: Fight or Flight: Yesterday my fight or flight instinct kicked in but then I realized I was on a plane so I went with flight.

Fight or Flight

Yesterday my fight or flight instinct kicked in but then I realized I was on a plane so I went with flight.

Helloooo Newman: Shark Tank

Helloooo Newman: Shark Tank: I went on the show Shark Tank wearing shark repellant.  They didn't buy my idea. It works.

Shark Tank

I went on the show Shark Tank wearing shark repellant. 

They wouldn't bite. It works.
As soon as I told them that, they wanted to buy it.
I said you can't, because then it doesn't work.
All around, a great success.

Helloooo Newman: Almost Never

Helloooo Newman: Almost Never: Don't you hate it when people say "almost never"? "Mmmm, this creme brûlée is divine. And I almost never have dessert.&...

Almost Never

Don't you hate it when people say "almost never"?

"Mmmm, this creme brûlée is divine. And I almost never have dessert."

Well, which the fuck is it? If it's even one time, it can't be never, by definition. You've either crammed a dessert down your gullet or you haven't. You can't have a little bit of never. Once your cherry is popped, it's popped, especially if it's on top of a chocolate sundae. Chances are someone who uses this expression has dessert before, during and after every meal and while they sleep.

Please, stop speaking "almost English" and never say "almost never".

Helloooo Newman: Weathered

Helloooo Newman: Weathered: I'm tired of weather being in the news 24/7.  Yesterday my shrink downgraded me to a tropical depression.

Weathered

I'm tired of weather being in the news 24/7. 

Yesterday my shrink downgraded me to a tropical depression.

Helloooo Newman: M&Ms

Helloooo Newman: M&Ms: I had to return a bag of M&Ms because it was filled with Ws.

M&Ms

I had to return a bag of M&Ms because it was filled with Ws.

Helloooo Newman: Dial M for Murder

Helloooo Newman: Dial M for Murder: I'm doing a remake of the Hitchcock classic Dial M for Murder . It's a real small budget so it's called Dial M for Misdemeanor ....

Dial M for Murder

I'm doing a remake of the Hitchcock classic Dial M for Murder. It's a real small budget so it's called Dial M for Misdemeanor. Can't afford actors to play murderers and cops and judges or writers to write some intricate plot and all that crap. We can barely afford the cell phone plan to dial. Coming soon to an Apple Watch near your wrist.

Alternate Title: Text M for Misdemeanor

Helloooo Newman: Op-Ed

Helloooo Newman: Op-Ed: I think Ed Asner wrote the famous Op-Ed.

Op-Ed

I think Ed Asner wrote the famous Op-Ed.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: I hate those awkward moments in-between feeling outraged about something.

Wit Bits

I hate those awkward moments in-between feeling outraged about something.

Helloooo Newman: The Secret of My Success

Helloooo Newman: The Secret of My Success: Marry much smarter than I am.

The Secret of My Success

Marry much smarter than I am.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: If I become homeless, I'm gonna go up to people and say, "Bond. Vaga Bond." I think global warming is an evil plot to get ...

Wit Bits

If I become homeless, I'm gonna go up to people and say, "Bond. Vaga Bond", and then pull out an empty wine bottle that's also a poison dart gun.



I think global warming is an evil plot to get us to enjoy winter.



I never thought it would happen, but I'm starting to enjoy traditional country music. My fave song right now is "Fucked Her in a Dive Bar, Got'er Pregnant, Payin' Support." Really captures the nuanced emotions around that kind of life, especially as felt by the man, when he's not piss drunk and puking on his own mattress.

Helloooo Newman: Something's Fishy

Helloooo Newman: Something's Fishy: A recent study of the consumer fish market revealed two disturbing facts: up to 50% of fish you buy is mislabeled and 100% of the fish you b...

Something's Fishy

A recent study of the consumer fish market revealed two disturbing facts: up to 50% of the fish you buy is mislabeled and 100% of the fish you buy tastes like…fish.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: Cosmologists tell us that the universe is made of dust and gas. Is it a surprise some of it makes its way onto the furniture? Can you explai...

Wit Bits

Cosmologists tell us that the universe is made mostly of dust. Is it a surprise some of it makes its way onto the furniture? Can you explain that to my wife?


These days attention deficit disorder should be considered a strength.


We always talk about rain delays, but no one ever considers the annoyance of sun delays. It took two weeks to film Gene Kelly singing in the rain, due to a bunch of sunny days.


I enjoy tennis because it has the word "love" in it, although I would prefer the word "sex".


I never play chess because after 3 moves there are now 121 million possible combinations of moves. I can never decide which one to choose.


I always make sure my hair is nice when I'm driving, just in case I get snapped by photo radar. I wonder if you're not suppose to smile, like in your passport photo.

Helloooo Newman: Turning Signal

Helloooo Newman: Turning Signal: Can you ever remember the meaning of those crazy arm signals cyclists use when they turn? Especially when you're driving, texting, drink...

Turning Signal

Can you ever remember the meaning of those crazy arm signals cyclists use when they turn? Especially when you're driving, texting, drinking a hot coffee, and trying NOT to make the cyclist a hood ornament.

What's with the bent arm shit? "His right arm is bent. What the fuck does that mean again? Is he waving at someone? His shoulder is sore? Maybe he's a synchronized swimmer. Damn coffee's too hot. I better…screech…splat."

Just give me the goddamn direction you're going by POINTING. "See my right arm? It's pointing to the right. The rest of me is going that way too."

That's what I do when I give people directions. I point in the direction they want. I don't play robot man with my arms bent 90 degrees.

Must have been some dumbass cyclist all "roided-up" who developed this nonsense. "Ya, ahhhh, I saw these cool signals used at Stonehenge 10,000 years ago. That'd be so cool to use."

KISS: Keep It Simple Syclists.

Helloooo Newman: New Friends

Helloooo Newman: New Friends: It's so hard making new friends as I get older. Stuck in my ways, that kind of thing. I met a guy at a party who asked me if I knew th...

New Friends

It's so hard making new friends as I get older. Stuck in my ways, that kind of thing.

I met a guy at a party who asked me if I knew the turning radius of my car.

It'll never work, I thought.

Helloooo Newman: Nothing At All

Helloooo Newman: Nothing At All: A new longitudinal study that examined nothingness , conducted over a 100-year period, has concluded nothing at all . Said the scientists:...

Nothing At All

A new longitudinal study that examined nothingness, conducted over a 100-year period, has concluded nothing at all.

Said the scientists:

"This is a great success for the scientific community. Nay, for humanity itself. At first, we were afraid we would find something. How on earth would we fit something into our theories of nothing? However, tenacity and brilliant examination, combined with complicated math, elegant formulas, and other people's money, led us to find nothing at all. We hope this will be shared 3 trillion times on Facebook, Twitter and Tinder. We expect that even people looking for sex in a bar will say, "Before you take your pants off, did you hear about that nothing study?"

The more work we did, the more it led us to…nothing at all as our finding. We speculate there's even more nothing at all that we haven't found yet."

A breakaway group of rogue scientists published a separate paper that expressed the findings differently. Instead of nothing at all, this group characterized the findings as "zippo" and "zilch". It's unclear if "zilch" actually means nothing or just the absence of something. One scientist, who went with "nada", was excommunicated and will never work again.

They all celebrated by playing Billy Preston's Nothing from Nothing. Two scientists who were dating sang in unison the line "you gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me." They left the study and had no children.

The next study will delve into how nothing at all impacts our daily lives.