Helloooo Newman: Puerto Sucko

Helloooo Newman: Puerto Sucko: Trump is on to them. The victims of the hurricane in Puerto Rico want everything done for them. It's true. You know who else ...

Puerto You-Owe

Trump is on to them.

The victims of the hurricane in Puerto Rico want everything done for them.

It's true.

You know who else wants everything done for them?

Cancer patients.

Patient: Excuse me, doctor? Can I have more chemotherapy?

Doctor: You again? You're becoming a real nuisance. I think you've stretched the concept of "patient" a little too far.

Even worse are unconscious people, like, say, survivors found in a plane crash. They must be removed, at great expense, by other people so they can be saved. Is it really worth it? I mean, if the unconscious person isn't willing to haul his own ass out of razor-sharp twisted metal. Should we encourage rescue, so that all unconscious people will now expect help? I-I-I-I d-o-o-o-o-n't know.

The worst offenders are dead people. When my dad died, I guess he expected us to call the funeral home and arrange things. He didn't lift a finger. In fact, we had to lift him. Embarrasing.

Stop asking for help, unless you don't want it.

Helloooo Newman: GOT

Helloooo Newman: GOT: I think my wife is a little to deep into Game of Thrones. She said I could be King of the Ironing Throne.

GOT

I think my wife is a little too deep into Game of Thrones. She said I could be King of the Ironing Throne.

Helloooo Newman: Emoji

Helloooo Newman: Emoji: I have trouble dealing with people who are over-emojtional.

Emoji

I have trouble dealing with people who are over-emojtional.

Helloooo Newman: Driving Miss Shariah

Helloooo Newman: Driving Miss Shariah: Saudi Arabia presses ahead with its bold attempts at joining the modern human race. Women still aren't 100% people, but with today&#39...

Driving Miss Shariah

Saudi Arabia presses ahead with its bold attempts at joining the modern human race.

Women still aren't 100% people, but with today's announcement, they are now 5.375% people. That's about the same status as women on Venus.

Women will be allowed to drive a car. Wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves. They need permission. From a man. Not just any man. The man that constantly screws around on her. The husband.

There are restrictions.

Women cannot drive a stick shift, as they might mistake this for a penis, and next thing you know the family unit falls apart.

Speaking of the tightly knit family, the woman must agree to first drop her husband off at his mistresses' house, and pick him up after he's finished his efforts at keeping the family together.

They are only allowed to steer in one direction, that direction being towards the kitchen. Slowly, over 1000 years, other directions will be introduced, until they can actually get somewhere.

They can only press the gas pedal and brake for 10 seconds at a time. Again, slowly over 1000 years, longer pedal pressing times will be introduced, until they can actually steer around objects or prevent the car from crashing into them. (please refer to steering rules above)

They cannot listen to My Sharona on the radio, because it sounds too much like My Shariah.

It's a slippery slope. Women will soon ask to drive men crazy with unreasonable demands, like, "Hey honey, can I be the only women you screw tonight?", or, "How about when you cheat with another woman, we cut your head off too?"

Progress.

Helloooo Newman: Ish

Helloooo Newman: Ish: I'm confused by "ish" . We ask, "What time should we be at the party?" "Oh, 8:30 ish is fine." That ...

Ish

I'm confused by "ish".

We ask, "What time should we be at the party?"

"Oh, 8:30ish is fine."

That doesn't mean 8:30, get it? You're left hanging. The "ish", three simple letters, completely erases your obligation to show up at the suggested time – 8:30. It throws all your plans into a jumbled mess of maybeish. Maybe it's 8:20, could be 9:00.

You would think "ish" could at least give you an idea of the exact time you should arrive. It doesn't.

"Hey "ish", what time should I really arrive? Is 9:10 okay?"

"Beats me", responds "ish". "My job is to let you know that the time the person suggested actually isn't the time you should come. I wasn't even invited, so beat it."

We could extend "ish".

"What should I bring to the party?"

"Wineish".

Does that mean my grandfather's wine, sitting in the basement since WWII?

"Ish" is so powerful. If the word ends in "ish", it means almost, but not quite.

But what about "accomplish"?

My dad always said, "Why don't you go out and accomplish something great, son?"

Hmmm. How do I do that? How do I almost, sort of, approximately, but not quite, do something great? How do I accomplish? Does he want me to become a famous lawyer or not? Maybe I should drop out after first year, and almost become a lawyer. Or maybe I should just be a really bad lawyer. How about a convict, who uses lawyers, but isn't one himself. I'm not sure which.

I wish I understood, but there's that "ish" again. Wishes are wishy washy. Wishes are kinda wanting something, but not really trying hard to get it.

"I wish I was a lawyer, but I'm going back to bed."

So that's why I didn't do anything great, dad.

Blame it on bad English.

Helloooo Newman: Golfing

Helloooo Newman: Golfing: I was golfing today and my partner said I have a really nice heat stroke.

Golfing

I was golfing today and my partner said I have a really nice heat stroke.

Helloooo Newman: Stormborn

Helloooo Newman: Stormborn: Will the NFL bend the knee for Daenerys Targaryen, the Dragon Queen?  That's the real issue.

Stormborn

Will the NFL bend the knee for Daenerys Targaryen, the Dragon Queen? 

That's the real issue.

Helloooo Newman: Tit for Tat

Helloooo Newman: Tit for Tat: Would you trade a tit for a tat? I'm not sure I would. I would need to know what a tat is, and whether I could get it for something less...

Tit for Tat

Would you trade a tit for a tat? I'm not sure I would. I need to know what a tat is, do they come in pairs, like tits, and whether I could get it for something less valuable. Tits are quite worthwhile, in my book anyway. I would trade a tit for the new Tesla. That I would do.

We use tit for tat when someone does us wrong, and we get them back. If someone tats me, I tit them back? I don't know. I'd say they're the winner in that scenario. Maybe I'll substitute them with some man boobs.

Helloooo Newman: Business 101

Helloooo Newman: Business 101: It's remarkable when I think back. I've closed some of my most complex  business deals over a simple covfefe and dotard.

Business 101

It's remarkable when I think back. I've closed some of my most complex 

business deals over a simple covfefe and a dotard.

Helloooo Newman: Et Al

Helloooo Newman: Et Al: Yesterday I hung out with Weird Al and his brothers, et Al.

Et Al

Yesterday I hung out with Weird Al and his brothers, et Al.

Helloooo Newman: Checking Your Watch

Helloooo Newman: Checking Your Watch: You know how when you watch a pot of water, it won't boil? Maybe if we all watch the earth at the same time real hard, like, totall...

Checking Your Watch

You know how when you watch a pot of water, it won't boil?

Maybe if we all watch the earth at the same time real hard, like, totally stare it down, 

it won't get any warmer.

Helloooo Newman: If music be the food of love, play on.

Helloooo Newman: If music be the food of love, play on.: The health food craze continues unabated. And yet no one ever sings its praises. Except for Helloooo Newman. KELP!  (sung to the tun...

If music be the food of love, play on.

The health food craze continues unabated. And yet no one ever sings its praises.

Except for Helloooo Newman.

KELP! (sung to the tune HELP!, by The Beatles)

KELP! I need some salad
KELP! I'm looking awfully pallid
KELP! You know I need some veg
K-E-L-P!

When I was younger and I ate some KFC
I dry heaved bones and then I ate some Harvey's
And now my arteries are clogged and I know the cause
I have a call to Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz

Kelp me if you can I'm Krispy Kremeing
And I'm watching lots of food porn, live streaming
Kelp my colon please it needs some cleaning
Won't you please, please kelp me
Kelp me, kelp me-ee-ee, ooooh


ps: if you have trouble matching words to music, call me and I'll sing it to you.

Helloooo Newman: Foodie

Helloooo Newman: Foodie: I prefer food the way it was meant to be. Eaten.

Foodie

I prefer food the way it was meant to be.

Eaten.

Helloooo Newman: Stop Speaking Infantish

Helloooo Newman: Stop Speaking Infantish: For goodness sake, if you want to train your dog properly, stop speaking infantish to him. Your dog is  not  a human infant. The reason...

Stop Speaking Infantish

For goodness sake, if you want to train your dog properly, stop speaking infantish to him.

Your dog is not a human infant. The reason we speak googly talk to infants is that we are training them early on to speak an entire language. Your dog will only ever recognize a few words and, surprisingly, will never actually speak them. To form the basic "ma", "ba", "fa", "la" sounds, the dog needs lips at least as big as Mick Jagger's, and you have to replace his tongue, which is as useful as a flattened piece of double bubble on the road. The tongue must contact the palate in a firm way to produce these sounds. No dog has this.

What I'm saying is your dog is stupid, albeit in a very cute way. I think on the I.Q. scale, a dog comes in way below a pig, so that bacon you're eating is quite intelligent, but your dog is a dolt. Julie Andrews can visit your house and sing Do-Re-Mi to your dog all day and at the end he will lick his balls and her vocal chords.

So, make the words your dog learns important words, like "sit", "stay", and "if I find my Italian loafers in your mouth, I will wrap you in foil and put you in the microwave."

Yes, that means cut the googly talk from your vocab. "Who's a good boyyyy", "Who wants to play with the ball", "Who pees like a big boy" (all in a grating baby voice). None of that. Notice I didn't put question marks after those "questions". Your dog doesn't know what a questions is, and doesn't care.

The whole concept of asking your dog a question is absurd. Who the hell is in charge here? Asking him a question implies that he gets to decide shit, and that he has weighed the alternatives. Cut it out.

Given the chance, your dog will eat turkey dinner until his stomach does a half gainer out his anus. Dogs don't decide to stop eating. Newman once ate some turkey, threw it up and re-ate it. Then he shat it out and ate it again. Then he got another dog to puke it out and he ate that. Then he got a different dog to shit it out and ate that. Then he convinced some strangers, who thought he was cute, to eat it and puke it out and he ate that. This went on until Christmas, when we cooked another turkey.

YOU make the decisions, despite what your spouse tells you.

Your dog does get tone of voice. So, when you say, "Get in the fucking car or I'll break your legs", sure, it's a lot of unnecessary words. You probably just have to point. But it's fun to say, right? Go ahead and say it. Practice on your spouse. Just don't phrase it as a question. You're embarrassing yourself in front of other dogs.

When you speak infantish to your dog, your dog thinks, "What a fucking patsy. This jerk's gonna give me all the prime rib I want", only not in those words exactly.

There is no such thing as empowering your dog. Your dog doesn't give a shit who Oprah is, or what his constitutional rights are. You are training the fucker, a la Pavlov. Stop messing around with infantish.

Helloooo Newman: Law of the Hand

Helloooo Newman: Law of the Hand: In a landmark Supreme Court decision, the Justices ruled that the law disallowing the use of hand-held devices while driving also includes g...

Law of the Hand

In a landmark Supreme Court decision, the Justices ruled that the law disallowing the use of hand-held devices while driving also includes giving or receiving a hand job.

Helloooo Newman: The Hate Boat

Helloooo Newman: The Hate Boat: Kim Jong-Un (the Kimmer) threatened to sink Japan today. Japanese authorities acted quickly, issuing lifejackets to all, um, passengers of...

The Hate Boat

Kim Jong-Un (the Kimmer) threatened to sink Japan today. Japanese authorities acted quickly, issuing lifejackets to all, um, passengers of the island.

In the event of a real emergency, the Japan buffet will be closed and the matinee show will be rescheduled.

For more information, speak to anyone you can find named Julie.

Helloooo Newman: Bad Trip

Helloooo Newman: Bad Trip: I was at a pot luck party last night and dropped some omega-3 fatty acid. Dude, what a bad trip. I cooked all the recipes from The Ma...

Bad Trip

I was at a pot luck party last night and dropped some omega-3 fatty acid.

Dude, what a bad trip.

I cooked all the recipes from The Martha Stewart Living Cookbook, replacing the beef, chicken and pork with jailbird meat.

She uses a lot of fennel seed, which I misread as fentanyl. Three people fell into a deep coma and died, just like my soufflé.

Two others went on to successful careers smuggling fidget spinners into North Korean concentration camps.

They were the lucky ones.

Helloooo Newman: Dog Eat Poo World

Helloooo Newman: Dog Eat Poo World: I can only assume the reason a dog stoops when he poos is that he doesn't want to get any on his behind and legs. That's comple...

Dog Eat Poo World

I can only assume the reason a dog stoops when he poos is that he doesn't want to get any on his behind and legs.

That's completely reasonable. I fully support that as a "doing-your-business" strategy. Going on a toilet would be much more reasonable, but still, it gets them through the day.

That same dog will then go a eat some other dog's poo.

Dogs don't think things through sometimes. Dogs would get a lot further in this world if they just thought things through a bit.

Newman understands a lot of words: sit, stay, tummies, cottage, walk, treat, shake a paw, which is, like, almost an entire sentence.

Why can't he understand, "Ewww, poo tastes like shit."?

I don't get it.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: What would a world without metaphors or similes be like? We can't say.

Musings and Woes

What would a world without metaphors or similes be like?

We couldn't say.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Why is childish a word, but we can't say infantish , adultish or seniorish ? At this stage in my life, I ping pong between  infan...

Musings and Woes

Why is childish a word, but we can't say infantish, adultish or seniorish?

At this stage in my life, I ping pong between infantish and seniorish. Often at the same time, too, like when I forget the nipple on my beer bottle and I soak my orthopedic shoes. How about a beer cup holder for my walker? Like, obvi.

It would be nice to have some words to describe these precious moments.

Bile is not a word that pops its head up at parties too often. It describes a dark green to yellowish-brown fluid produced by the liver of most vertebrates. My mom raised me to think that this substance was called Thanksgiving gravy.

And yet we are entirely comfortable saying mobile, even though the word is mostly made of bile. We buy our brand new babies a mobile. And you thought the diaper was disgusting.

What about nubile – a woman of marriageable age.

I'm not sure why women put up with this description. There is no comparable word for a man of marriageable age, other than night in shining armour.

That's a load of bile if I've ever seen any.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Ajengda: A carefully planned agenda that falls completely apart when one piece is changed.

Musings and Woes

Ajengda: A carefully planned agenda that falls completely apart when one piece is changed.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Did you know that the 5-second rule doesn't apply to picking up dog shit and getting it on your fingers? It doesn't.

Musings and Woes

Did you know that the 5-second rule doesn't apply to picking up dog shit and getting it on your fingers?

It doesn't.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: My stock broker wanted me to sign a contract, giving him millions to invest. I was nervous. He said, "Relax, nothing's written ...

Musings and Woes

My stock broker wanted me to sign a contract, giving him millions to invest.

I was nervous.

He said, "Relax, nothing's written in stone."

Fortunately, we were in a cemetery. I looked around.

I didn't sign.

Helloooo Newman: Game Changer

Helloooo Newman: Game Changer: I'm not calling for the death penalty, exactly, but I think jail time is warranted for people who keep saying "game changer&quot...

Game Changer

I'm not calling for the death penalty, exactly, but I think jail time is warranted for people who keep saying "game changer", like it means anything.

It's a favourite among news anchors. I think CNN said it 200,000 times this week.

"North Korea tested their sixth nuclear warhead. Is this a game changer?"

It's all the same game, and the rules haven't changed. Touch us and we will kill millions of people.

It is an underwear changer. If Kimmy sends a nuke our way, I know I will be changing my underwear many times before it hits.

Helloooo Newman: If I Only Had a Plastic Brain

Helloooo Newman: If I Only Had a Plastic Brain: Who sang, "If I only had a brain" ? Was it the tin man? Or was it the plastic man? Medical science goes on and on about the...

If I Only Had a Plastic Brain

Who sang, "If I only had a brain"?

Was it the tin man?

Or was it the plastic man? Medical science goes on and on about the "Plastic Brain". The human brain is plastic. It is not, as previously thought, a lump of granite, like your kitchen counter. As plastic, it can be changed, molded, and deposited in the recycle bin when you're through with it.

I wish I had a plastic brain. I have a sheet metal brain. Not very malleable, yet not particularly strong. Shows all the dents. Tarnishes.

Oh right, it was the scarecrow.

See!

Helloooo Newman: Piddly Diddly

Helloooo Newman: Piddly Diddly: I ordered a glass of milk at Starbucks and they asked me if I need room for coffee. I have fond memories of the Air Show at the CNE, but i...

Piddly Diddly

I ordered a glass of milk at Starbucks and they asked me if I need room for coffee.

I have fond memories of the Air Show at the CNE, but it gets so crowded these days, and it's really loud. I'm gonna watch it on radar. Best seat in the house.

If you grow up on a one way street, should your parents teach you to look both ways when crossing that street? What if you grow up near an airport? Should you learn to look left, right, and up? I guess near a submarine base you should learn to look left, right, and down.

Now that I'm a dog walker, I feel like I should develop my own dogma. Thank God I don't have to transport any dogs in my car. Then I'd be dealing with carma, and carma's a biatch.

My friend was complaining that he suffered from athlete's feet. I was aghast. I wish I had athlete's feet. I'd be a way better tennis player, where footwork is so crucial. I also wish I had athlete's arm for my swing.