Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: We winterize a cottage but we never summerize a cottage. I can summerize my cottage in one word: FUN I love playing on the seesaw. I...

Musings and Woes

We winterize a cottage but we never summerize a cottage. I can summerize my cottage in one word: FUN



I love playing on the seesaw. I love it so much, I think we should have the same ride for the other four human senses:
• the hearheard
• the tastetasted
• the touchtouched (aka the feelfelt)
• the smellsmelled

Hey Billy. Wanna play on the smellsmelled?



Deorderant: When you're at a restaurant, you order, then you cancel your order cuz your wife is on the way to the hospital having a baby, you have to de-order-ant.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Another wonderful case of Déjà Lakeview

Musings and Woes

Another wonderful case of Déjà Lakeview

Helloooo Newman: Uber Everywhere

Helloooo Newman: Uber Everywhere: Travis Bickle Uber Losers: When someone tells you you'll never get anywhere – call me. I'll take you somewhere. Uber Uber:  ...

Uber Everywhere

Travis Bickle

Uber Losers: When someone tells you you'll never get anywhere – call me. I'll take you somewhere.

Uber Uber: For Uber drivers who are too tired, drunk or hung over to drive – I'll tow you and your passenger behind my car.

Uber Real Estate: I'll drive the price of your house up.

Uber housewife: Husband not responding to your demands? His holy trinity is the sofa, sports and Sapporo? Call us. I'll drive him crazy with demands.

Uber Parking: Call me, I'll parallel park for you.

Uber Nascar: Relax. I'll pick you up in my car at the beginning of the course and take you right to the end. Oh, it's a Prius, so forget about winning.

Uber Ambulance: A comfortable, roomy ride to the hospital, unencumbered by all that bulky life-saving equipment. Quiet and relaxing, with none of that raucous yelling, like "CLEAR", "I.V., STAT" or "HE'S FLATLINED".

Go on. Get in. You can trust me.

Helloooo Newman: Fitted for the Asylum

Helloooo Newman: Fitted for the Asylum: Dear God, Here is a question, humbly asked. Why did you invent the goddamn fitted bed sheet? Sorry, I knew my anger would run awa...

Fitted for the Asylum

Dear God,

Here is a question, humbly asked.

Why did you invent the goddamn fitted bed sheet?

Sorry, I knew my anger would run away from me.

Seriously, though, why? And you expected them to be foldable? Is "foldable" even a word? See how upset I am?

And I'm a writer with a rep!

It's bad enough you invented laundry. Then you led me to my wife, who is in so many ways wonderful, but who insists that the fitted bed sheet must be folded neatly and carefully stored away in a cool, dry place.

Like it's some fucking special bottle of wine from the Renaissance or the stolen Mona Lisa.

My bed sheets look like a bad car accident, with bleach. Maybe they can cover the corpses.

Zika? Really? You thought this was a good time to insert the next deadly disease?

Then you put the Olympics in Rio?

Donald Trump?

And those sheets. Every week. Weeks and weeks of sheets and sheets. Holding and folding and cursing and scolding.

I think my fitted sheets are becoming a fitted straitjacket.

Helloooo Newman: Travel Lag

Helloooo Newman: Travel Lag: Jet lag. When you arrive at your destination looking and feeling like the masticated salisbury steak you ditched on the plane. Why d...

Travel Lag

Jet lag.

When you arrive at your destination looking and feeling like the masticated salisbury steak you ditched on the plane.

Why doesn't anyone complain about car lag?

I once drove to California and the car lag was vicious. I slept it off for 3 days. In the car. It was a Jag, and that's called Jag lag.

Think about it. Every time you move laterally even a teeny tiny amount across the earth, you are in a different time zone. Unfortunately the earth is round, which is why we need time zones.

My tetchy circadian rhythm is uber time sensitive. When I travel from my bedroom to my office, down the hall, I get leg lag. Nap time.

My wife doesn't believe me. She also doesn't believe that I get wife lag, also called nag lag. That happens when she drives me around the bend. It's a long bend and you guessed it – new time zone. I'm exhausted. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Am I the only one?

Do the astronauts get space station lag? They're crossing a time zone every ten seconds. How do they ever stop napping?

Do you get subway lag on your way to work? When you arrive, do you want to nap? That's the first sign.

My worst case of car lag happens on Fridays, on the drive to the cottage. I'd love to help my wife unpack, but the effects…zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I usually recover by Sunday night.

As bad as all that, what really does me in is the beer lag. At breakfast I start the long trek back and forth to the fridge for 24 beers and 10 minutes later, it's midnight. No, it's not the beer that makes me tired. That's a dumb theory.

I wonder what travelling back in time does to jet lag. Is it reversed? Should I visit Marie Antoinette's beheading to wake me up.

I wish the earth was flat.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: If I quit Twitter, am I a quitter?

Musings and Woes

If I quit Twitter, am I a quitter?

Helloooo Newman: Dear Don Letter

Helloooo Newman: Dear Don Letter: Dear Don, It's looking like you may actually become President of the United States. If so, this is my letter breaking up with pla...

Dear Don Letter

Dear Don,

It's looking like you may actually become President of the United States.

If so, this is my letter breaking up with planet earth. I hope for a spot on the ISS. (No, that does not mean I'm joining ISIS, that's a different thing)

Remember way back, when you criticized Obama for constantly telegraphing his military intentions to the enemy?

Syria? Iraq? ISIS?

"Keep your enemies guessing", you said.

That seemed half rational, coming from a golf course-sized egoist dufus like yourself. I found myself kind of agreeing, although I never admitted it to anyone. I might have whispered it in the shower once.

Yesterday, you told the world you will NOT support NATO and if Russia invades the Baltics, you may or may not help them, depending on if they send you a very large e-transfer.

So, Don, I refer you back to your earlier comments.

Yes, I hope for that spot on the ISS. If I make it, you and the rest of this planet will be orange with envy.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: World Headlines for 2016 Turkey arrests 9,000 military personnel after failed coup U.S. wrestles with Lucifer or God as their leader ...

Musings and Woes

World Headlines for 2016

Turkey arrests 9,000 military personnel after failed coup

U.S. wrestles with Lucifer or God as their leader

Will Britain survive as a country post-Brexit?

NATO keeps a suspicious eye on shirtless Putin

France the European centre of Islamic terrorism

meanwhile…

Canadians anxiously await their new universal child care benefit cheques

Ca-nada problem.

Helloooo Newman: The Flip Side of Flops

Helloooo Newman: The Flip Side of Flops: People who know me say, "Paul, you are soooo open-minded." And it's true. It used to be open 24/7 but as it gets older, I...

The Flip Side of Flops

People who know me say, "Paul, you are soooo open-minded." And it's true. It used to be open 24/7 but as it gets older, I now close it on Friday afternoons and while drinking.

Even so, on certain topics my mind is as tightly closed as a clam pleading the fifth.

Flip flops, and the wearing of, is one of those topics.

Flip flops are not shoes. They are not informal wear. They are uninformed wear. The flip flop is to shoes as the fig leaf is to underwear. Unless you're in a garden starting humanity, put some proper clothes on.

Let's start with the word "flop". Marketing genius, isn't it?

Employee: I have a great idea. Thongs for your feet.

Boss: Brilliant. They'll be a great success. Make sure the word "flop" is in the name.

I only wish they were a flop. They enjoy $2 billion in annual sales.

Research tells me the name comes from the sound they make. Flip flop? Is that a sound? To me they sound like I'm being stalked by a castanet player all day. Or every time my dad bought a belly of cow for the bbq, he would slap it, hungrily chanting, "nice to meat you." These sounds do not scream EXCELLENT SHOES ARE BEING WORN.

After a long day of wearing flip flops, my toes are exhausted, curling in, arthritis-ridden, struggling to keep them on. Am I wearing the shoe or is it wearing me? Isn't it the shoe's responsibility to stay on? Excuse me, I'm pretty busy walking around here. We all have our jobs to do.

Flip flop fans are people who like to "dress down" in the summer. Maybe you should skip the clothes if you're that lazy. Flip flops and sunscreen should do it. How about staying in bed. Please?

There are only three places flip flops should be worn, if ever: the beach, the beach, and the beach. I once saw a guy wearing flip flops downtown and I snickered at him. He flipped me the middle toe. How rude.

You're just as guilty, sandals, but at least there's a pricey resort named after you. Aren't we lucky they didn't do that for flip flops?

"Welcome to Flip Flops Resorts. Here's your foam mattress. You bring the rest. Oh, and can you take this brown package home? Fits snugly around the waist. When you get to the airport look for a guy named Death Wrench."

One of the great unpunished crimes of the century is wearing flip flops and socks. I don't get it. We're busy prosecuting illegal off-shore banking when hordes of people are freely roaming around committing sartorial homicide. Do you really want your foot looking like a sock puppet with a gigantic camel toe?

The only time I can image myself wearing flip flops is when I want to present an image that says, "Hi, I'm lazy, have no money and I surf all day."

I get that there will always be people who wear these things, despite my pleas, but there are some people who should never be allowed to wear flip flops. The President, for example, because no one should start a nuclear war in flip flops. Put on some Bruno Magli's, at least. (Hope you're reading this, Mr. Putin. Put a shirt on.)

Here's a fact that isn't true: Albert Einstein, relaxing in his flip-flopped feet after a busy day at the patent office, came up with the most wonderful idea - E=MC2.

Nothing great will ever be achieved in flip flops.

I have a dream. A dream that some day all flip flops will be replaced with…a nice pair of bowling shoes? Anything but ff's.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Why is it that a rich person with a corporate career "resigns his position" while a joe who makes exhaust pipes  "quit...

Musings and Woes

Why is it that a rich person with a corporate career "resigns his position" while a joe who makes exhaust pipes "quits his job"?

Dear Linkedin friends: I'm resigning my post at the Vagisil factory. Happiness, for me, did not lie in the private parts industry. Time to follow my real passion: door-to-door photographer.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I hate lawyers. I don't like talking to them, using them or paying them. But push me too far and I will lawyer-up faster than Taylor...

Musings and Woes

I hate lawyers.

I don't like talking to them, using them or paying them.

But push me too far and I will lawyer-up faster than Taylor Swift goes through boyfriends.

How audacious – taking the picture of me below and pasting someone else's head on MY BODY.

The next bars you see will be vertical, with a lock on them, pal.

Helloooo Newman: Slow Down, Dream

Helloooo Newman: Slow Down, Dream: Walking through Chapters bookstore the other day, I noticed an entire section of items with inspirational quotes printed on them. Pillo...

Slow Down, Dream

Walking through Chapters bookstore the other day, I noticed an entire section of items with inspirational quotes printed on them.

Pillows, books, pottery, signs, mugs, bookends, toilet roll holders…

Inspirational quotes are great, except when they suck, which is most of the time because they don't make much sense.

Or, they inspire me for a few seconds, and then I have to get back to calling VISA and talking real nice to them.

"Always Chase Your Dreams"

That bugs me.

Chase? Doesn't that imply they are running away from me? Why? Did I offend?

"Hey dream, I've been running after you for a while. Can we talk? At least let me put on some confortable footwear."

Finally! I achieved my dreams. Well, not quite. We're getting together for coffee and might do dinner and a movie. Will we kiss? It's a start.

Do my dreams have to run so fast? Are they training for the Rio Olympics? I feel like I have smoker's lungs, trying to keep up with them.

Chase my dreams? I feel like getting in a car and running them over.

Have you ever heard of dream rage? Me neither, until my dreams pulled ahead of me without signalling.

I'm so despicable. I kinda wish my dreams were in a wheelchair so I could catch them. Push the chair over, maybe. "Try getting away now."

"It's time you did some of the work, dream."

"I have a 14-year-old mental patient called a "daughter", a boss called a "wife", and a dog called "mind if I crap on the carpet?"

"I'm busy."

If pleading doesn't work, I just might develop a second dream that makes the first dream jealous.

Maybe I'll just avoid that part of Chapters.

Helloooo Newman: Hamilton

Helloooo Newman: Hamilton: Everyone is raving about Hamilton, so I'm looking forward to seeing it this weekend. I'm not sure why people in New York are e...

Hamilton

Everyone is raving about Hamilton, so I'm looking forward to seeing it this weekend.

I'm not sure why people in New York are especially excited about Hamilton, but hey, it's always nice to have our southern neighbours visit Canada.

Someone told me to buy tickets early. Really? Can't I just drive there?

I guess I'll find out.

Helloooo Newman: Neighbourhood Watch

Helloooo Newman: Neighbourhood Watch: There is no shortage of people seeking to organize a seemingly random and impersonal universe into meaningful patterns. Consider Fred R...

Neighbourhood Watch

There is no shortage of people seeking to organize a seemingly random and impersonal universe into meaningful patterns.

Consider Fred Rogers (aka Mr. Rogers).

Fred weighed himself one day and found the magic number to be 143 pounds (sans his trademark sweater and sneakers).

He decided that the numbers 1-4-3 match the number of letters in the words "I-love-you". For the rest of his life he struggled to keep his weight at a perfect 143.

That's random, dude. Not to mention difficult, diet-wise.

My magic number is…

145

You guessed it. My IQ. I'm sure you've noticed that 1-4-5 matches the number of letters in the words "I sure smart".

A confession. I scoured the Internet for an IQ test that would give me the highest result possible, finally settling on "IQ Tests for the Fifth Child of Five Who Went Unnoticed as a Toddler, Beaten Up as a Youth and Dateless as an Adult."

So be it. My intellectual "weight" is 145 and, as with Mr. Rogers, keeping it there will be a challenge.

The problem is that I'm getting smarter ever day. When it comes to soaking up information, I'm sponge-worthy.

Why, yesterday I learned that the deadliest animal in Africa is not the hippo, but the water buffalo. And did you know that the earliest known camels grew up in North America? Finally, the flying squirrel has two thumbs, one pointing upwards, that serves as an air foil.

Yesterday my mind ingested 8000 intellectual calories and boy, I was so stuffed I took a nap.

My IQ sits at 145.000012. Yikes! Can't let it get too high. I usually watch a few episodes of Two Broke Girls to bring it down a notch.

It's comforting to know we don't live in a meaningless universe.

Helloooo Newman: Going Through a Phrase

Helloooo Newman: Going Through a Phrase: What's with the phrase "putting toothpaste back in the tube" . People use it to refer to something that is very difficul...

Going Through a Phrase

What's with the phrase "putting toothpaste back in the tube".

People use it to refer to something that is very difficult or impossible to do.

"Reversing Brexit? That's like putting toothpaste back in the tube."

I visited the Colgate factory and, with the right machinery, it's actually pretty easy to get that toothpaste in there.

If you can do it once, you can do it again, no? Given enough time, I think the girl above will succeed.

Forget toothpaste. There are much harder things to do.

Try doing this:

No one ever says, "it's like putting a ship back in the bottle". Back in the bottle? How the hell did it get there in the first place?

You want me to tear it down, take it out, put it back in and resurrect it?

I've got a migraine.

Try putting this back in:

I've never heard, "it's like putting a super-cute baby back in the womb."

Good luck finding volunteers for that.

And the hardest of all…?

It's like unreading a Hellooo Newman blog.

We all wish we could, but it's impossible.

Helloooo Newman: The Biotic Man

Helloooo Newman: The Biotic Man: I ate some probiotics while I was on antibiotics. They've both lined up in protest: probiotics on the right, antibiotics on the lef...

The Biotic Man

I ate some probiotics while I was on antibiotics.

They've both lined up in protest: probiotics on the right, antibiotics on the left.

I'm stuck in the middle, with no time to form an opinion on biotics. What are they again?

All was peaceful until my infection, unsurprisingly, sided with the pros.

The antibiotics turned violent.

So far the probiotic death toll is 2 trillion and rising.

I'm out of Dannon Activia.

My body's first responders are swamped.

I had no choice but to side with the pros.

The medicine bottle read "don't take with alcohol" so I threatened the antibiotics with a six-pack of beer.

(shhhh…little did they know it was beer time anyway).

They marched to my colon and now I have diarrhea.

Soon I was so drunk I forgot which side I'm on.

The standoff continues, but both sides are calling for discussions in the large intestine.

Is this a metaphor for the deep divisions in my psyche?

My tummy hurts.

Please, we all just need to understand each other.

Product placement. Please send cheque to Newman.

Helloooo Newman: Broken News

Helloooo Newman: Broken News: CNN uses the  "Breaking News"  mantra way too often. When a newsy event happens, or "breaks", it only happens o...

Broken News

CNN uses the "Breaking News" mantra way too often.

When a newsy event happens, or "breaks", it only happens once.

BREAKING NEWS: Terrorists Strike in Iraq

Twenty four hours later, you can't keep calling that event "Breaking News" because you already broke it.

So, it's really "Broken News".

BROKEN NEWS: Terrorists Struck in Iraq 24 Hours Ago

Makes more sense, right?

PS: NEW look for NEWman. Okay, not the greatest design but this blog only gives me so few options. Try closing your eyes and it looks better.

Helloooo Newman: On Second Thought

Helloooo Newman: On Second Thought: Oh alright. Here's a think piece.

On Second Thought

Oh alright. Here's a think piece.

Helloooo Newman: The Almighty Deadline

Helloooo Newman: The Almighty Deadline: Sorry, only had time for a fluff piece today.

The Almighty Deadline

Sorry, only had time for a fluff piece today.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: The Canadian postal workers are going on strike. Negotiations broke down when the string between the tin cans they were communicating w...

Musings and Woes

The Canadian postal workers are going on strike.

Negotiations broke down when the string between the tin cans they were communicating with abruptly snapped.

Management suggested switching to smoke signals. Unfortunately, wind garbled the messages. The union demand of "more money" read as "chili farts are the worst."

In a poll, most Canadians were surprised that the post office still exists, and felt that communicating via smoke signals is bad for your health.

In other news, doctors are calling for an end to bloodletting as a treatment for fever.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Donald Trump is like water in your basement. It always flows to the lowest point, starts to stink, dries up and leaves a mouldy stain. ...

Musings and Woes

Donald Trump is like water in your basement.

It always flows to the lowest point, starts to stink, dries up and leaves a mouldy stain.

Please, keep your basement dry.

Helloooo Newman: It IS Too Late

Helloooo Newman: It IS Too Late: Self-help gurus tell us it's never too late. It's always too late. 300 million guns float around the U.S and we're going ...

It IS Too Late

Self-help gurus tell us it's never too late.

It's always too late.

300 million guns float around the U.S and we're going to control the 300 millionth and first?

A guy whose name should probably be pronounced Boner (John Boehner) was third in line to controlling the nuclear codes.

Donald Trump may not become President, but his bile covers everything.

Jenny McCarthy is a celebrity, and called an "actress" and "comedian" on IMDb.

We can't undo that.

It's all too late.