Helloooo Newman: You've Got to Know When to Hold 'Em

Helloooo Newman: You've Got to Know When to Hold 'Em: You've got to admit, Kenny Rogers is a wise man. Maybe he's a wise guy too? Being in all those casinos. Well, he sure knows gambling...

You've Got to Know When to Hold 'Em

You've got to admit, Kenny Rogers is a wise man. Maybe he's a wise guy too? Being in all those casinos. Well, he sure knows gambling.

Idea for a movie: The Three Wise Guys. Based on the life of the three wise men, they were Jesus' bagmen. Collect money for Jesus, take delinquent payers and prayers into the stable and break their hands with a hammer.

One person who clearly doesn't know gambling is René Angélil.

Who's that? His more well known name is Celine Dion's husband. Or "That creepy old guy married to that famous Canadian singer".

Last time I was livin' la vida loca in Las Vegas, I found out that Mr. Dion built up a gambling debt of some $100 million dollars.

Okay, so he never spent time in Mr. Rogers' neighbourhood listened to his music. I totally understand that. He didn't know about holdin' 'em and foldin' 'em.

But still…you gotta question…

I think when I got to $10 million in loses, I might have said to myself, "Ya, you know what? I think I have a slight problem. I know I'm just a beginner so I'll give it another try, but I'm gonna keep in the back of my mind the Gambler's Anonymous tel # and maybe consider some other hobbies."

When I hit $30 million, I might have said, "Okay, I get it. Gambling doesn't come naturally to me. I have a lot of strengths, but bluffing isn't one of them. I'm gonna put Gambler's Anonymous on speed dial."

At $50 million? "Time for some serious thought. Maybe I should take a break. Take in a Cirque du Soleil show. Maybe I shouldn't live in a city that is completely devoted to gambling and praying on the hopes and dreams of desperate people. My wife makes a ton of cash. I could live anywhere. Des Moines, Iowa, maybe. Get my focus back."

At $99,999,999? "Fuck, man. It appears I'm really losing here. I'm not so sure I can turn this around anymore. One more dollar. I'll try just one more dollar. Then I'll ask my wife for more money."

Helloooo Newman: It's Your Fault I Won

Helloooo Newman: It's Your Fault I Won: The Canadian election reminds me of that famous Groucho Marx line, later co-opted by Woody Allen in Annie Hall . Paraphrasing, the line is...

Helloooo Newman: It's Your Fault I Won

Helloooo Newman: It's Your Fault I Won: The Canadian election reminds me of that famous Groucho Marx line, later co-opted by Woody Allen in Annie Hall . Paraphrasing, the line is...

It's Your Fault I Won

The Canadian election reminds me of that famous Groucho Marx line, later co-opted by Woody Allen in Annie Hall.

Paraphrasing, the line is, "I would not join a club that would have me as a member."

If I were running as leader of a particular party, I would not vote for myself. I would also not kiss any baby who was going to vote for me, and the same goes for their parents.

In fact, I would choose not to represent the people who voted for me. It's entirely their problem they voted for me. They shouldn't have. After all, I didn't vote for myself.

I would not join the party that wanted me as their leader. I would probably move to another country if I won, and rule from that other country.

I would still enjoy actually running for office, only to be able to not vote for myself.

You see, I already know the truth about myself, and I know that I am not up for the job of PM.

The electorate? Well, they'll just have to find that out in good time. I've done my part by not voting for myself.

Anything I do in office after that is okay, because I didn't vote for myself. All my mistakes would be the fault of the people who didn't know me, and decided to vote for me.

If I actually won and became PM, I would continue refusing to accept the position, but would still rule over my subjects.

They would insist I rule or they would have to admit they wasted their vote, which is really stupid of them, but that's their choice.

So, I hope I don't have your vote.

Candidate, E: Paul Hardie – SPOILED

Helloooo Newman: Из России с любовью

Helloooo Newman: Из России с любовью: Здравствуйте The title of this article is From Russia with Love . The Russian word above is "hello". In Russian, of course. ...

Из России с любовью

Здравствуйте

The title of this article is From Russia with Love.

The Russian word above is "hello". In Russian, of course.

I would like to thank all my Russian friends for their support. You see, in the last few weeks the most readers I have had are from…(drum roll) Russia.

I'm as shocked as you are.

It's such a coincidence, because I have more in common with Vlad Poutine (Canadian spelling of Putin) than you would think.

First of all, I write all my articles with my shirt off. As I type on the keys, my sinewy muscles reverberate shock waves throughout my neighbourhood, much like Vlad's does when he is fishing. What's he fishing for? Must be Sturgeon, for the caviar. Or maybe for another piece of land he feels belongs to him.

I'll admit, I don't wrestle tigers and sharks, like Vlad does, but I do wrestle with my morals, my daughter, and with the English language, so that I can write with just the right, um, words.

Another coincidence – one of my great influences in writing is none other than the legendary Russian author Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

If you look closely, there are hints of Dostoyevsky's The Idiot in my work.

I know this because my fans say, "Paul, I read your last blog and it reminded me of an idiot."

I'm so flattered to be compared to, like, only the best Russian writer in history.

Or, maybe my blogs are a tale told by an idiot. Still, that's another great writer – Shakespeare.

Don't get me wrong, my Russian fans. I only make fun of your leader, not your country, the citizens or the magnificent history. I make fun of all political leaders, because they are all liars and cheaters (save for one or two, I guess), and no offence, but they should all keep their shirts on. Aren't you glad Boris Yeltsin kept his shirt on?

I can poke fun at the leaders in my country, Canada, just as easily. We have Justin Trudeau, still in diapers. I think he will win and Canada will collectively suck their thumbs.

Tom Mulcair, who thinks writing letters on paper and having them delivered door-to-door via the post office is the future of communication.

And Stephen Harper, whose face is being used to model the new doll in the latest Chucky horror film, Chucky Hides in the Closet to Save his Own Ass from the Gunman.

In fact, I've been to Russia twice, to adopt my wonderful daughter. I don't remember a whole lot, on account of the vodka I.V. I was on. But I do remember getting my daughter, because at this moment she is screaming her head off about some boy at school.

The people we met were wonderful and generous. I do hope our political leaders learn to get along, like you and I do.

Любовь , от Канады

Moscow Metro station. A tad more glorious than Bloor station.

Helloooo Newman: Uber Everywhere

Helloooo Newman: Uber Everywhere: Uber is a brilliant business model. It's the wave of the future. Here are a few businesses that would do well using the Uber model. ...

Uber Everywhere

Uber is a brilliant business model. It's the wave of the future.

Here are a few businesses that would do well using the Uber model.

Uber Fertility Clinic:
It's called Uberm. Women having trouble getting pregnant call us up on their cell, we go to their location and give them the ride of their life.

Yes it takes business away from some poor husband, but he's obviously not doing a good job.

Uberm is all about enhancing the passenger experience. We'll get them to where they want to be much quicker. In about 5 seconds, actually.


Uber Suicide Hotline:
Feeling down in the dumps? Want to end it all?

Call us from atop that bridge for a quick pick-me-up.


Uber Soul Searching:
Feeling guilty? At a crossroads in your life?

Call us. We know the shortest route to your soul. We can help you find what you're looking for in there, too. We never get lost.


Uber Loner:
Are you a loner? Or just need some alone time?

Call us and we'll leave you alone.

That's right. We won't show up. We'll make sure no one else shows up too.


And in honour of the Blue Jays…

Uber Baseball:
Traffic during the World Series can be horrendous. Bases can get very loaded. Who needs the stress?

We'll take you on a safe round trip from home plate to home plate, as often as you like.

Bring some friends. Score more points and chat while you win.

Helloooo Newman: Team Ice Cream

Helloooo Newman: Team Ice Cream: Hello folks. We are here with Presidential candidate Dez Parrot. Today we are discussing a topic on many people's minds, those many be...

Team Ice Cream

Hello folks. We are here with Presidential candidate Dez Parrot.

Today we are discussing a topic on many people's minds, those many being the silent majority. The ones who never seem to say anything about anything.

The cold button issue is ice cream.

Interviewer: What is your stance on ice cream?

Dez P: I like it. A lot.

Interviewer: Why is it important to support ice cream?

Dez P: Who doesn't like ice cream? It's cold, refreshing, tastes great. We are Team Ice Cream.

Interviewer: What is your favourite ice cream?

Dez P: Vanilla.

Interviewer: There has been some controversy swirling around the fact that you like vanilla ice cream. Are you a racist?

Dez P: Nope. I like chocolate ice cream too. And chocolate sauce on vanilla ice cream.

Interviewer: What about vanilla sauce on chocolate ice cream?

Dez P: Do they have that?

Interviewer: Nope. But would you support it?

Dez P: Yes.

Interviewer: What about other colours and flavours of ice cream? Are you the inclusive candidate?

Dez P: I've come out in favour of neapolitan ice cream too. One day I hope we can learn to stop enjoying the different colours and flavours and just think of it all as ice cream.

Interviewer: Post-racial ice cream?

Dez P: Exactly.

Interviewer: Does vanilla ice cream matter?

Dez P: Yes.

Interviewer: Does chocolate ice cream matter?

Dez P: Yes.

Interviewer: Do they equally matter?

Dez P: Only on Tuesday.

Interviewer: Do you think people should be able to strap a trombone to their body while they eat ice cream?

Dez P: Yes, if it's part of their culture. People come to this country to eat their ice cream any way they want.

Interviewer: What if their culture forces them to eat their ice cream wearing a trombone?

Dez P: I would advise them to try and substitute for a smaller instrument. Harmonica or something from the woodwind family. Dividing the ice cream population does us no good.

Interviewer: What about people who rob convenience stores with a gun, stealing the ice cream?

Dez P: Background check when you buy ice cream is the answer.

Interviewer: Do you think ice cream tastes as good as it use to?

Dez P: No. I'm going to make ice cream taste great again. I'm going to make a big wall out of ice cream, along with some bridges, alleys and highways. Cars will run on ice cream. There will be so much ice cream, the planet will cool down. I'll be great for ice cream.

Interviewer: Wow. I actually believe you. Are you here to apologize for your comments as well?

Dez P: Yes.

Interviewer: Do you know what you're apologizing for?

Dez P: No. But it's important I apologize.

Interviewer: Thank you. Next week we'll discuss bread.

Helloooo Newman: Afterbirth Suit

Helloooo Newman: Afterbirth Suit: Today is my birthday. I like birthdays. Just not my birthday. It reminds me of the day I was born. The day I was born was the worst day ...

Afterbirth Suit

Today is my birthday. I like birthdays. Just not my birthday.

It reminds me of the day I was born.

The day I was born was the worst day in two people's live – me and my mom's.

Well, also for JFK, because that was around the time he had to decide if he was going to nuke Russia over storing some missiles at various all-inclusive Cuban resorts.

I'm sure JFK wished for something far less dangerous to handle, like getting Marilyn Monroe pregnant.

Nope. He got my mom pregnant. Obviously that's not true. If I were JFK's son, I wouldn't be able to count the number of women I parlayed into my lair on one finger.

My birth resulted in all kinds of emotional and mental damage. I call it the afterbirth. As I was exiting the canal – sounds so romantic, canal, like you're riding a gondola through the watery streets of Venice, sipping olive oil and play-acting the romantic scenes from The Godfather –

As I was exiting the slippery tube-like structure, my mom exhorted, "send him back."

I am in complete agreement. I had a good thing going in the womb. Being on complete life support is a good deal. I can't wait to be on it again.

I blew it. While I was in the womb, I should have drawn up a "do not suscitate" order and pinned it on my mom's vagina, just like the "do not resuscitate" order I'm working on now.

I never actually heard my mom say "send him back", but in later years she told me she said that. I'm glad she was so honest because I felt badly it was just me who was a little let down by the bright lights, screaming, scissors, having to chew my food, losing the automatic climate control, cigarette smoke in the delivery room, getting places and raising myself.

Nevertheless, here I am. I sustain myself with wisdom that I've gained over the years.

Forget about the past, because you can't change it.

Forget about the future, because it's not here yet.

Focus on the present, and bitch and complain all to Hell, because maybe it will change something.

Just maybe.

Helloooo Newman: Team Evolution

Helloooo Newman: Team Evolution: I view the whole evolution/anti-evolution debate as a bowling match between two teams. This is an apt comparison. The modern day bowling b...

Team Evolution

I view the whole evolution/anti-evolution debate as a bowling match between two teams.

This is an apt comparison. The modern day bowling ball, carefully crafted out of stone, jives with the activities of the common early man, who shaped stone into weapons. Early man was way too hungry to bowl, of course, and probably would have turned down an offer of a meal from your average Bowlerama.

Knocking down pins. And then setting them up again. Over and over. This kind of futile activity fits nicely with the silly thinking creationists, et al, engage in.

Well, team evolution just scored a point.

A cave, with thousands of human-like bones, was recently discovered in South Africa. These bones add up to a brand new subset of Homo, never before seen.

They call him, and her, and the children they found, Homo Neliba. This discovery is so recent, you can't even search it on Google. I guess I'll give up the idea that if you can't Google it, it doesn't exist.

Homo Neliba will satisfy those anti-evolutionites who constantly insist that they would love to accept the evidence, but they need the missing link? These people have studied evolution in such fine detail, read all the books, viewed all the bones, and have concluded that the only thing missing is that link.

You might as well be looking for cuff links. The idea of a "missing link" in evolution that must be "found" is a simplistic fantasy. Evolution, nature, the entire universe, and my bedroom, are messy and do not fit into human-centred categories.

This is the central dichotomy between humans and the world. Our brains desperately need to organize and categorize, and nature does not oblige us.

Homo Neliba combines features of both pre-Homo and Homo. He had the arms of an ape and the hands of a human. The anthropologist who found Neliba thinks the sub-species would have made great hand models, probably even better than George Costanza. His brain was smaller than ours, but it appears he buried his dead. This makes him dumber than the average human, but vastly smarter than the average neo-con.

I feel sorry for people like Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. Nice guy but, despite any evidence, he clings to his world view like a newborn baby. A newborn he saved from an abortion, of course. Pre-life is invaluable. Once you're born, well, stop asking the government for stuff, you…baby.

Imagine if women gave birth to guns. The neo-con would do everything to make sure that gun found a good home, had plenty of bullets to eat, and was able to freely express itself in society.

In Britain somewhere there is a place where two continents meet. The gap between these two continents increases about one inch a year.

What does this tell us? That stuff in nature happens very, very slowly for the most part.

What does it tell Mike Huckabee? More people need to hurry up to church.

Poor Mr. Huckabee. Scientists keep chiseling away (get it? chiseling? that's great writing, people) at his belief system.

Soon enough, the anti-evolutonites will be forced into one explanation for what we observe in nature – God is tricking us. To test our faith. And our I.Q.

I thought it was only the Devil who tricks Man. Someone said the best trick the Devil ever carried out was convincing Man that he doesn't exist.

Do God and the Devil play on the same bowling team? I think they're throwing more and more gutter balls.