Helloooo Newman: Backrooms

Helloooo Newman: Backrooms: We here at Helloooo Newman never endorse movies. Until now. Backrooms. Creepiest movie we've seen in years. Well done on every level. Th...

Backrooms

We here at Helloooo Newman never endorse movies.

Until now.

Backrooms.

Creepiest movie we've seen in years. Well done on every level. The last shot of the movie is chilling.

We won't spoil it for you. One of the themes is childhood memories and how they can morph, change, become inaccurate.

Just like my memory.

Like the memory I have of dating Carrie Fisher in her Princess Leia outfit.

Turns out that didn't happen. 

I also clearly remember inventing the integrated circuit.

Again, not so.

What about being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?

You can probably guess.

Anyway, see the movie.

And no, you probably weren't the first person to walk on the moon, despite your memories.

Helloooo Newman: Whoreween

Helloooo Newman: Whoreween: The good thing about Halloween is that women who normally go to the gym to look like a whore can actually dress and behave like one. Maybe e...

Whoreween

The good thing about Halloween is that women who normally go to the gym to look like a whore can actually dress and behave like one.

Maybe even charge like one.

Helloooo Newman: You're fired!

Helloooo Newman: You're fired!: I've decided that anyone who calls me boss will be immediately fired by me. No severance, benefits or going away party. I enjoy firing p...

You're fired!

I've decided that anyone who calls me boss will be immediately fired by me.

No severance, benefits or going away party.

I enjoy firing people I never hired in the first place.

Helloooo Newman: Parallel elections

Helloooo Newman: Parallel elections: The GOP accused 5 parallel universes, populated by immigrants, of interfering in the election. Physicists will be posted at each polling boo...

Parallel elections

The GOP accused 5 parallel universes, populated by immigrants, of interfering in the election.

Physicists will be posted at each polling booth for security.

Helloooo Newman: Breaking up is easy to do

Helloooo Newman: Breaking up is easy to do: Alberta just voted to relocate the province to Mar-a-Lago with Donald Trump as their leader. They also voted to buy all their diesel from Ru...

Breaking up is easy to do

Alberta just voted to relocate the province to Mar-a-Lago with Donald Trump as their leader. They also voted to buy all their diesel from Russia, stream all executions, enlist dumb blondes as their spokesperson and prevent as many black people from voting as possible.

Okay, no they didn't.

Helloooo Newman: PimpLife Fitness

Helloooo Newman: PimpLife Fitness: Since Shane Gillis has established that all women at fitness centres look like whores, I've decided to join GoodLife dressed as a pimp. ...

PimpLife Fitness

Since Shane Gillis has established that all women at fitness centres look like whores, I've decided to join GoodLife dressed as a pimp.

Maybe I can get all those tight-shorted women to work for me. They're sweaty and ready!

Still working on my costume. It's tricky dressing like a pimp while being able to work a rowing machine.

And where will I park my Cadillac?

Helloooo Newman: Hegseth the mouse

Helloooo Newman: Hegseth the mouse: I'm sick and goddamn tired of mice at the cottage.  From now on when I crush them in traps I'm live streaming it to the entire mouse...

Hegseth the mouse

I'm sick and goddamn tired of mice at the cottage. 

From now on when I crush them in traps I'm live streaming it to the entire mouse community.

That'll teach 'em.

Helloooo Newman: Feeling ashaned

Helloooo Newman: Feeling ashaned: Shane Gillis has retracted what he said on SNL, now stating that only whores who work out at fitness centres look like whores.

Feeling ashaned

Shane Gillis has retracted what he said on SNL, now stating that only whores who work out at fitness centres look like whores.

Helloooo Newman: Bike court

Helloooo Newman: Bike court: Ontario bike nuts (sorry, enthusiasts) want to take their case for bike lanes to the Supremes in Canada. Fighting not just for the right to ...

Bike court

Ontario bike nuts (sorry, enthusiasts) want to take their case for bike lanes to the Supremes in Canada.

Fighting not just for the right to bike lanes but for the right to have them on streets they find convenient. It's so much easier to bike down Yonge St. I'm not gonna bike all the way over to some side street. I want exercise… but not too much exercise. What would I do if my doctor declared me too healthy?

So in between minor issues like gun control, a myriad of indigenous issues like how to get fresh water they can drink and whether depressed people can ask the state to kill them…the court would decide if Dick and Jane can have a pleasant ride down one of the busiest streets in the world.

My guess is that in a world of diminishing rights across the globe, bike lanes won't pass the "but I have a right to that" test.

Their big ask also includes the right to run red lights when convenient, swear at anyone that slows them down, go from sidewalk to street to grass to stairs when convenient for them, blame all collisions on pedestrians or cars, ignore police, ignore speed limits and have a hand to hold when they don't get their way.

In other words, they're just like every other vehicular machine in motion – I want the shortest route possible, get out of my way, you're the problem, I have rights, fuck you!

Helloooo Newman: John and Jane

Helloooo Newman: John and Jane: You know how they protect a person's identity by using the name John Doe or Jane Doe? What if your name actually is John or Jane Doe? Th...

John and Jane

You know how they protect a person's identity by using the name John Doe or Jane Doe?

What if your name actually is John or Jane Doe?

Then what?

That's a problem.