Helloooo Newman: Drink up

Helloooo Newman: Drink up: Asked why he's drinking formaldehyde in Congress, Mitch McConnell explained, "the undertaker instructed me to."

Drink up

Asked why he's drinking formaldehyde in Congress, Mitch McConnell explained, "the undertaker instructed me to."

Helloooo Newman: AI AI OH

Helloooo Newman: AI AI OH: Wiping out humanity isn't the worst idea AI can come up with.* * This was written with AI

AI AI OH

Wiping out humanity isn't the worst idea AI can come up with.*

* This was written with AI

Helloooo Newman: Let's Make a Deal

Helloooo Newman: Let's Make a Deal: Donald Trump has revealed that Iran, Canada and Monty Hall all want to make a deal.

Let's Make a Deal

Donald Trump has revealed that Iran, Canada and Monty Hall all want to make a deal.

Helloooo Newman: Five grand ol' time

Helloooo Newman: Five grand ol' time: Elon Musk issued a statement saying he's really pumped about receiving Donald Trump's $5000 gift. "This really tops up my incom...

Five grand ol' time

Elon Musk issued a statement saying he's really pumped about receiving Donald Trump's $5000 gift.

"This really tops up my income and I have big plans for the cash."

"It's the little things I'm looking forward to buying. Like those ziplock bags with the extra grooves so you don't spend an hour trying to match them up while my leftover hot dogs go stale."

He also hopes to hire an advisor to come up with even stranger names for his children. He's running out of ideas after coming up with Seldon Lycurgus. Ideally, he wants as many children as there are Tesla's on the road - 7.2 million.

Helloooo Newman: Tranquil times

Helloooo Newman: Tranquil times: Donald Trump changed the name Sea of Tranquility to the Sea of America. Asked where it's located, he replied "on one of my golf cou...

Tranquil times

Donald Trump changed the name Sea of Tranquility to the Sea of America.

Asked where it's located, he replied "on one of my golf courses, I think."

Helloooo Newman: Let's CHAT

Helloooo Newman: Let's CHAT: ChatGPT is coming out with… ChatGOP…how do I fix the election? ChatGPS…where can I find a sane place to live? ChatGPA…how can I get an A+? C...

Let'sCHAT

ChatGPT is coming out with…

ChatGOP…how do I fix the election?

ChatGPS…where can I find a sane place to live?

ChatGPA…how can I get an A+?

ChatGTA…how can I find a city without hordes of traffic and no bike lanes?

ChatGUN…how do I kill someone with a gun?

ChatCATHY…you talk too much

Helloooo Newman: A real ass-kissing

Helloooo Newman: A real ass-kissing: In a big surprise to Doug Ford, leaders from around the world are now lining up to kiss his ass. "We're so excited and never knew t...

A real ass-kissing

In a big surprise to Doug Ford, leaders from around the world are now lining up to kiss his ass.

"We're so excited and never knew this was an option" says James Marape, leader of Papua New Guinea.

"We're buying a plane so we can fly to Canada and partake in this exciting activity" says Feleti Teo, leader of Tuvalu.

Doug points out that Donald Trump is first in line.

Helloooo Newman: Universal Justin time care

Helloooo Newman: Universal Justin time care: Thank God for Canadian universal healthcare! The Canadian gov't will now provide free anti-nausea medication for all Canadians. This med...

Universal Justin time care

Thank God for Canadian universal healthcare!

The Canadian gov't will now provide free anti-nausea medication for all Canadians.

This medication is to be used every time Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry appear in the news.

How to use: When you see the sickly pair, say, dancing in a hardware store, take the meds immediately, lie down and stop asking what it all means. It means shit.

Accompany with a stiff drink. Canadian whiskey, of course.

You'll feel suicidal. That should be temporary.

If it's not, you're in a better place. You'll never see them again.

Helloooo Newman: Mitch is a glitch?

Helloooo Newman: Mitch is a glitch?: Creationists are having trouble explaining why Mitch McConnell is actually older than 6000 years, the purported age of the universe. One the...

Mitch is a glitch?

Creationists are having trouble explaining why Mitch McConnell is actually older than 6000 years, the purported age of the universe.

One theory is that Mitch is a forgotten relic from previous universes God created as he practiced to create just the right universe. This one?

Clearly, God does not have his PhD in universe creation. More of a hobby, I would say.

Helloooo Newman: When I'm sixty what?

Helloooo Newman: When I'm sixty what?: Science is advancing very quickly on increasing the human life span. There's a real belief we could live hundreds or thousands of years....

When I'm sixty what?

Science is advancing very quickly on increasing the human life span. There's a real belief we could live hundreds or thousands of years. Perhaps forever.

This is a real dilemma for Paul McCartney, who wants to update his song When I'm Sixty Four. Sir Paul wrote this song when he was 2 weeks old. Incredible.

He's toyed with When I'm 1064 Years Old. Or When I'm Infinity Years Old plus Sixty Four Years Old. In my opinion that doesn't really roll of the tongue very well.

Despite that, he's definitely changing the lines will you still need me, will you still feed me? to will you still need me, I completely understand you probably can't feed me with this inflation thing?

When I'm infinitely old.