Helloooo Newman: Ashes to Trashes

Helloooo Newman: Ashes to Trashes: Rudy Giuliani has requested his ashes be sprinkled in the New York sewer system so he can feel at home while he's dead.

Ashes to Trashes

Rudy Giuliani has requested his ashes be sprinkled in the New York sewer system so he can feel at home while he's dead.

Helloooo Newman: Past Leaders

Helloooo Newman: Past Leaders: Let's do a quick check on what past great leaders are doing with their valuable time. Barack Obama Justin Trudeau Keep up the outstandin...

Past Leaders

Let's do a quick check on what past great leaders are doing with their valuable time.

Barack Obama

Justin Trudeau

Keep up the outstanding work, gentlemen. The world needs your expertise!

Helloooo Newman: Googled-out

Helloooo Newman: Googled-out: I'm so sick of a world where I can Google anything I want to know and have the answer in seconds. It's exhausting being so well-info...

Googled-out

I'm so sick of a world where I can Google anything I want to know and have the answer in seconds. It's exhausting being so well-informed.

I want to go back to when I was ignorant of almost everything. 

So at my next party, I'm just gonna say I have no fucking clue what the answer to that is and you shouldn't have any clue either. 

Was the Genghis in Genghis Kahn pronounced with a soft "G" or a hard "G"?

Who fucking cares?

Was it van Ghaaaaaghgha or van Goooooo?

Doesn't matter. It was still stupid to cut your ear off. BTW, Google told me he cut just part of his ear off, not the entire ear.

All this time I was misinformed.

No Google search. Stay uninformed!

Helloooo Newman: Burn after investing

Helloooo Newman: Burn after investing: I'm trying to decide if I should invest in Canada's new sovereign fund or just burn my money to stay warm this cool Spring.

Burn after investing

I'm trying to decide if I should invest in Canada's new sovereign fund or just burn my money to stay warm this cool Spring.

Helloooo Newman: Gently used…

Helloooo Newman: Gently used…: I checked Kijiji for Doug's jet. No sign of it yet. Checking Toys R Us… Oh there it is. Gently used private jet. Word is Doug wants to r...

Gently used…

I checked Kijiji for Doug's jet. No sign of it yet.

Checking Toys R Us…

Oh there it is. Gently used private jet.

Word is Doug wants to replace the private jet with a private Jet Ski for his cottage.

"At least it has the word jet in it", Doug relayed to his advisors.

"I live on a huge lake and it takes a long time to get around doing business for Ontario. The water wings just don't cut it."

Helloooo Newman: Loud and clear

Helloooo Newman: Loud and clear: Doug the Slug said he hears Ontarians "loud and clear" on what a no-no buying a private plane is for Ontario's finances when t...

Loud and clear

Doug the Slug said he hears Ontarians "loud and clear" on what a no-no buying a private plane is for Ontario's finances when the free gourmet food he gets on the plane costs $100,000 in the real world.

Unfortunately, pilots had to turn off the noisy engines for Doug to hear Ontarians screaming. He's a terrible lip reader. Mind you, it was 16 million lips.

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister of Quebec (Premier, if you insist) has 3 planes at her disposal and no one can figure out why that's okay. Since Quebec's leader is almost always a chauvinist man, some figure it took 3 planes to hold all the mistresses.

Wings down.

Helloooo Newman: Jet

Helloooo Newman: Jet: The soon-to-be ex-CEO of Air Canada, while joyfully singing Paul McCartney's Jet , has offered to buy Doug Ford's used jet. Hoping t...

Jet

The soon-to-be ex-CEO of Air Canada, while joyfully singing Paul McCartney's Jet, has offered to buy Doug Ford's used jet.

Hoping to start his own airline, Mr. ex-CEO promises all service will be in Rotokas, a New Guinea language with a 12 letter alphabet. It's much easier than French and when you translate a lunch of runover chicken in a subway puddle sauce it sounds way more delicious.

Helloooo Newman: Sloganeering

Helloooo Newman: Sloganeering: An independent Canadian committee paid for by the Liberals has found that the slogan "elbows up" is a much more meaningful and eff...

Sloganeering

An independent Canadian committee, paid for by the Liberals, has found that the slogan "elbows up" is a much more meaningful and effective slogan than "axe the tax".

Meanwhile, Doug Ford is complaining about the price of food on his new $150 million private jet. "Who's making these sandwiches, Loblaws?"

Wings up!

Helloooo Newman: 10 years until…

Helloooo Newman: 10 years until…: Scientists remind us it will be 10 years before the next 10 year warning that we only have 10 years left until we are doomed by climate chan...

10 years until…

Scientists remind us it will be 10 years before the next 10 year warning that we only have 10 years left until we are doomed by climate change, which will take 10 years to complete.

They are thankful nature presents doom to us in easy-to-digest 10 year packages.

Helloooo Newman: Carney knowledge

Helloooo Newman: Carney knowledge: In light of Mark Carney's spectacular majority government and saviour-like status in Canada, politicians across the globe will step down...

Carney knowledge

In light of Mark Carney's spectacular majority government and saviour-like status in Canada, politicians across the globe will step down and begin dating Katy Perry.

Katy Perry's people admit the star isn't quite ready for the onslaught.