Helloooo Newman: Fire Sale

Helloooo Newman: Fire Sale: For Sale Very depressed, gently used snow shovel Looking for work anywhere Bargain basement price, willing to travel to the South Pole

Fire Sale

For Sale

Very depressed, gently used snow shovel

Looking for work anywhere

Bargain basement price, willing to travel to the South Pole

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: Alice? Is that you?

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman: Alice? Is that you?: Helloooo Newman: Alice? Is that you? : The power's out?  Curiouser and curiouser All electric cars in Canada by 2035? I don't rememb...

Two-facedbook

I accidentally typed Facadebook and Farcebook in Google and it took me right to Facebook.

Hmmm…

Helloooo Newman: Alice? Is that you?

Helloooo Newman: Alice? Is that you?: The power's out?  Curiouser and curiouser All electric cars in Canada by 2035? I don't remember that part in Alice's Adventures ...

Alice? Is that you?

The power's out? 
Curiouser and curiouser

All electric cars in Canada by 2035?

I don't remember that part in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

Helloooo Newman: Instead of LOL

Helloooo Newman: Instead of LOL: Instead of writing LOL, I love to write LoutL. It forces people to read it and do more work. And really bugs them. Try it. It's fun.

Instead of LOL

Instead of writing LOL, I love to write LoutL.

It forces people to read it and do more work. And really bugs them.

Try it. It's fun.

Helloooo Newman: And now…a word from our sponsor…

Helloooo Newman: And now…a word from our sponsor…: "GO FUCK YOURSELF" "GO FUCK YOURSELF" "GO FUCK YOURSELF" That was a word from Helloooo Newman's sole spons...

And now…a word from our sponsor…

"GO FUCK YOURSELF"

"GO FUCK YOURSELF"

"GO FUCK YOURSELF"

That was a word from Helloooo Newman's sole sponsor, X

Thank you, Elon.

We appreciate your commitment to quality!

Helloooo Newman: All I Need

Helloooo Newman: All I Need: You know that song The Air That I Breath ? Been listening to that recently. The chorus goes: Sometimes…all I need is the air that I breath a...

All I Need

You know that song The Air That I Breath?

Been listening to that recently.

The chorus goes: Sometimes…all I need is the air that I breath and to love you.

So true! But the key word is sometimes.

Sometimes I also need a beer, onion rings and a Mars bar.

Other times…all I need is a beer, onion rings and a Mars bar.

Pretty catchy

Helloooo Newman: Labelled for life

Helloooo Newman: Labelled for life: I keep getting pictures like this in my Facebook feed. Weird. I typed "Bobs" in Google. I was looking for all the Bobs I know. I g...

Labelled for life

I keep getting pictures like this in my Facebook feed.

Weird. I typed "Bobs" in Google. I was looking for all the Bobs I know.

I guess, by accident, I typed "Boobs". Total freak accident.

One slip of the finger and a guy is labelled for life.

Unfair.

Helloooo Newman: zzzzz Expert

Helloooo Newman: zzzzz Expert: I went to see a sleep specialist last week. He was asleep the entire time. I never dreamed he'd be that good.

zzzzz Expert

I went to see a sleep specialist last week. He was asleep the entire time.

I never dreamed he'd be that good.

Helloooo Newman: Say goodbye to single-use condoms

Helloooo Newman: Say goodbye to single-use condoms: You know, I wasn't gonna vote Liberal next election. So many nonsensical things they are doing. But now! With the ban on single-use plas...

Say goodbye to single-use condoms

You know, I wasn't gonna vote Liberal next election. So many nonsensical things they are doing.

But now!

With the ban on single-use plastic, they are outlawing single-use condoms. 

Finally, some common sense.

I've been doing that for years.

Wash up, men. And women?

Helloooo Newman: Dogs in Heaven

Helloooo Newman: Dogs in Heaven: Lately I've been wondering why dog medications come in bottles with safety lids. Is the rate of dog suicide by overdose exploding? They ...

Dogs in Heaven

Lately I've been wondering why dog medications come in bottles with safety lids. Is the rate of dog suicide by overdose exploding?

They can't be meant for me. I don't eat poop, diapers and underwear and then have diarrhea for a week.

Vet: He's gone. An overdose. Looks like suicide.

Me: Suicide? How do you know?

Vet: He left a note

Dog: Dear family. By now you've learned the tragic news. Sorry, but you forced my paw. Leaving the toilet lid closed? I thought by following you into the bathroom 24/7 I was making it clear I want a drink. Instead, you flush the toilet and close the lid. You try going a night without a good slurp of waste water. And your shoes. I was sure that with so many of them, some had to be for me to chew. I did the math. Most of them you never wore. Those are the ones I chewed, and you still got mad.

Anyway, you did the best you could, I guess. I'm in dog heaven and it's nothing but open toilets. I hope you learn from this hard lesson and treat your next dog a lot better.

Helloooo Newman: Shrinkflation

Helloooo Newman: Shrinkflation: Economists note that shrinkflation has finally hit the porn industry. Specifically, the male porn star. For the consumer, this means less ba...

Shrinkflation

Economists note that shrinkflation has finally hit the porn industry.

Specifically, the male porn star.

For the consumer, this means less bang for their buck.

They're not sure if this shrinkflation is caused by high interest rates, the supply chain, or that men just aren't real men anymore.

Helloooo Newman: RE-joice

Helloooo Newman: RE-joice: So. Trudeau's wife re-partnered months before the breakup. I think it's time Canada re-prime minister.

RE-joice

So. Trudeau's wife re-partnered months before the breakup.

I think it's time Canada re-prime minister.

Helloooo Newman: Drink to your education

Helloooo Newman: Drink to your education: Remember all that cheap booze we used to drive to Quebec to guzzle down? Happy hour, closed streets, travelers. Well, I'm a gonna take a...

Drink to your education

Remember all that cheap booze we used to drive to Quebec to guzzle down? Happy hour, closed streets, travelers.

Well, I'm a gonna take all those savings and register at McGill.

I think that's why they gave us such awesome drink deals. So we could save up for when they capriciously double tuition for foreigners. Uh, I mean, other Canadians.

Heck, I might even learn a bit of their dying language. What is it again? French? The official language of 33 countries. Never really heard of it.

Helloooo Newman: Earth shattering

Helloooo Newman: Earth shattering: Several Canadian Liberal MPs are calling for a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas. In other important news, scientists discover that flies l...

Earth shattering

Several Canadian Liberal MPs are calling for a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas.

In other important news, scientists discover that flies like shit.

Helloooo Newman: Work hazards

Helloooo Newman: Work hazards: One of the biggest hazards in the dog walking business is the poop bag, but not in the way you might expect. Last night I left a full poop b...

Work hazards

One of the biggest hazards in the dog walking business is the poop bag, but not in the way you might expect.

Last night I left a full poop bag in my car, baking for 12 hours in the intense heat that a car reaches in October when you throw in out-of-control climate change.

Why did I do that? Why didn't I throw it out, like a sane person would do?

Good questions.

You see, sometimes clients don't have accessible green bins. Sure, I could leave the bag on their porch, or right at the front door, or maybe on their bed, in hopes of encouraging them to bring out their bin.

But I have scruples. Ethics. Morals. When it comes to matters of excrement, be it canine or human.

So I throw it in my car, right where I can see it so I don't forget it's there. Of course I have every intention of grabbing it when I see a garbage can or when I get home. I'm not stupid.

Sometimes I forget, okay? I'm preoccupied with important stuff, like opening a cold beer after a long, hot day. In October. During out-of-control climate change.

Consequently, this morning my car smelled like the instrument you would use to give a dog a colonoscopy. Or, like I was trapped in the bowels of a dog that is just finishing the digestion of a dead skunk. Or, like I was a fetus gestating inside the rectum of a Great Dane.

To top it off, I was supposed to pick someone up this morning. Someone important enough that I couldn't invite them into this riding rectum with me.

So I had to switch to my wife's car, while my car screamed in agony until the smell was gone.

So don't talk to me about your risky job. 

Come for a drive with me. By the way, I work for Uber too.

Helloooo Newman: Poetry

Helloooo Newman: Poetry: I wrote a poem for Newman What Are Ya, Chuck Berry? Newman, you're the sweetest dog to me Without you, what would I be? So stop dragging...

Poetry

I wrote a poem for Newman

What Are Ya, Chuck Berry?

Newman, you're the sweetest dog to me
Without you, what would I be?
So stop dragging your ass on the rug
What Are Ya, Chuck Berry?

He wrote one for me.

I'm Watching

Daddy, I look up to you
You feed me, love me, play and say goo goo
By the way, I'm watching while you surf the web
I'm telling mommy

Helloooo Newman: Weather Torn

Helloooo Newman: Weather Torn: I tell ya, I'm really torn about this weather. Beautiful, sunny, hot weather allows me to wear my two-piece bathing suit even longer int...

Weather Torn

I tell ya, I'm really torn about this weather.

Beautiful, sunny, hot weather allows me to wear my two-piece bathing suit even longer into the year, guzzle beer on the dock, and show off my skin-coloured tats, starting noon sharp. And people don't stare, because they're enjoying the weather too.

For a fraction of a second, in-between burps, I say "wait a minute".  This weather means we're all doomed, eventually. When? Who knows? Hopefully just before the moment people say to themselves, hey, you don't look so hot in that two-piecer anymore.

It's kind of nice existing during this existential crisis, when the weather is so gorgeous. I mean, when the dinosaurs died off, the weather really sucked. Meteorites will do that.

So, we're kind of lucky. Humanity will die off with a really nice tan, probably in a beer garden somewhere.

Helloooo Newman: A House, Fallen

Helloooo Newman: A House, Fallen: Hey - former Nazi, okay?  All I know is I've never had a Nazi in my house, let alone tell him what an awesome guy he is.

A House, Fallen

Hey - former Nazi, okay?

 All I know is I've never had a Nazi in my house,
let alone tell him what an awesome guy he is.

Helloooo Newman: Home, Sweet Ford

Helloooo Newman: Home, Sweet Ford:   After careful consultation with himself, and a small bribe, Doug Ford has approved the construction of housing on his forehead.

Home, Sweet Ford

 

After careful consultation with himself, and a small bribe,
Doug Ford has approved the construction of housing on his forehead.

Helloooo Newman: Regrets. I've had a few.

Helloooo Newman: Regrets. I've had a few.:   I guess big boy is regretting this now. And this? Enough reminiscing.

Regrets. I've had a few.

 

I guess big boy is regretting this now.
Praying for your marriage? In front of your kids?

And this?

Enough reminiscing.

Helloooo Newman: Trudopian

Helloooo Newman: Trudopian:   Since my plane won't work, maybe I should just move to India. I love the costumes. That flight had really crappy food. Should I go bac...

Trudopian

 

Since my plane won't work, maybe I should just move to India.

I love the costumes.

That flight had really crappy food.

Should I go back to the beard?

I hope Sophie doesn't get the hand blender. I really like that blender.

Hmmm. This Halloween. What's a good costume?

I thought GDP meant good day for the Prime Minister!

Helloooo Newman: Dead Body Double

Helloooo Newman: Dead Body Double:   Clouseau Prigozhin Did Putin really kill his military genius, Prigozhin? Or is he a master of disguises? Where's the body? Will we see...

Dead Body Double

 

Clouseau

Prigozhin

Did Putin really kill his military genius, Prigozhin?

Or is he a master of disguises?

Where's the body?

Will we see him in the next Pink Panther series?

You decide. 

Helloooo Newman: Supreme beating

Helloooo Newman: Supreme beating: SCOTUS has ruled that if President Trump wins the election, he can, in fact, rule from prison while being ass-raped in a shower stall. It&#3...

Supreme beating

SCOTUS has ruled that if President Trump wins the election, he can, in fact, rule from prison while being ass-raped in a shower stall.

It's the first ruling of its kind.

Helloooo Newman: Totally the bomb

Helloooo Newman: Totally the bomb:   I hear Oppenheimer is a huge bomb at the box office.

Totally the bomb

 

I hear Oppenheimer is a huge bomb at the box office.

Helloooo Newman: The Medium is the Message

Helloooo Newman: The Medium is the Message: I'm hiring a Medium to contact my dad, who died 13 years ago. Finally, he can tell me himself there's no life after death.

The Medium is the Message

I'm hiring a Medium to contact my dad, who died 13 years ago. Finally, he can tell me himself there's no life after death.

Helloooo Newman: Governor Specific

Helloooo Newman: Governor Specific: Did you hear about the Governor General of Canada? She went to Iceland and spent a very specific amount of $71,000 on limo rides. She was th...

Governor Specific

Did you hear about the Governor General of Canada?

She went to Iceland and spent a very specific amount of $71,000 on limo rides. She was there 4 days. In Reykjavik. Population 122,183. 

Turns out she rode around in the OceanGate submersible. And around, and around, and around, and around…

That's a ton of grocery money.

The submersible wasn't crushed, but the budget was.

Helloooo Newman: Trudough

Helloooo Newman: Trudough: Got my vote-for-me cheque from Trudeau. No, sorry, beer money. Wait a minute.  Is that what it's for? Um. Shit, what was it? … … Grocery...

Trudough

Got my vote-for-me cheque from Trudeau.

No, sorry, beer money.

Wait a minute. 

Is that what it's for?

Um.

Shit, what was it?

…

…

Grocery money!!

That's it. Money to buy food.

Gonna buy some food with it.

I'm hungry.

Hey, here's some money to buy food.

Not beer.

Helloooo Newman: Body of Knowledge

Helloooo Newman: Body of Knowledge: I met my favourite Physicist at a strip joint and he told me all about his G-string theory. I think he's on to something.

Body of Knowledge

I met my favourite Physicist at a strip joint and he told me all about his G-string theory. I think he's on to something.

Helloooo Newman: Let it B&B

Helloooo Newman: Let it B&B: Paul McCartney was travelling last week and stayed at an Airbnb. Supposedly he entertained the other guests by singing Let It Be and Be.

Let it B&B

Paul McCartney was travelling last week and stayed at an Airbnb. Supposedly he entertained the other guests by singing Let It Be and Be.

Helloooo Newman: Chuckmersible

Helloooo Newman: Chuckmersible: I went to look at the Titanic riding inside Chuck Norris and everything was fine. The Rubik's Cube was even solved for me.

Chuckmersible

I went to look at the Titanic riding inside Chuck Norris and everything was fine. The Rubik's Cube was even solved for me.

Helloooo Newman: Vote Splitting

Helloooo Newman: Vote Splitting: I can't decide who to vote for as mayor. The only sensible solution is to split my vote amongst all of them. Each candidate gets a tiny ...

Vote Splitting

I can't decide who to vote for as mayor.

The only sensible solution is to split my vote amongst all of them. Each candidate gets a tiny bit of my vote. A tiny mandate to do something tiny for Toronto.

Hopefully, when this is all assembled together, great things will happen.

Vote for tiny TO.

Helloooo Newman: Rich people parenting

Helloooo Newman: Rich people parenting: Rich dad: Hey son, I've got tons of money and now I'm bored. Do you want to come with me in a pop can and dive to a crushing 13,000...

Rich people parenting

Rich dad: Hey son, I've got tons of money and now I'm bored. Do you want to come with me in a pop can and dive to a crushing 13,000 feet to look at foolish people who drowned in a boat?

Rich son: Um, I was thinking maybe something on land. Take in a baseball game. Hot dog. Beer.

Rich Dad: Get in, son.

Helloooo Newman: Heated debate

Helloooo Newman: Heated debate: Scientists have discovered that the oceans are warming up faster than climate models say they should be. But why? That's where things ge...

Heated debate

Scientists have discovered that the oceans are warming up faster than climate models say they should be.

But why?

That's where things get interesting.

As the debate over the cause heats up, scientists can't decide if it's actually a heated debate over global warming, a warming debate over global heating, or just a cry for attention and funding.

Scientist Ice-B (B for Berg, not related to Ice-T, but is a part-time rapper) thinks people should just cool it on the speculation. Sipping Grey Goose over B-shaped ice cubes, Ice said that, although scientists passionately disagree, cooler heads will prevail. "We shouldn't freeze anyone out who has a different opinion."

Climatologist Luke Warm loves to argue the issue, but then lets off steam acting out practical jokes at the UN Climate Conference in Dubai. His latest plan is secretly turning on everyone's heated car seats so they think this global warming thing is really getting out of hand. This bizarre behaviour is probably caused by the fact that he never knew his real father.

Will the debate boil over over the boiling oceans? 

Helloooo Newman: Five years younger

Helloooo Newman: Five years younger: Most people who guess my age peg me at 5 years younger than I am. That's great. When I'm dead, it'll take them five years to fig...

Five years younger

Most people who guess my age peg me at 5 years younger than I am. That's great. When I'm dead, it'll take them five years to figure it out.

Helloooo Newman: Advice for beatles

Helloooo Newman: Advice for beatles: When Paul McCartney needs relationship advice, he writes to Dear Abbey Road.

Advice for beatles

When Paul McCartney needs relationship advice, he writes to Dear Abbey Road.

Helloooo Newman: Hot Psychiatry

Helloooo Newman: Hot Psychiatry: Wow, Martha Stewart looks hot on that magazine cover. That's why I'm immediately booking myself into a psychiatric facility.

Hot Psychiatry

Wow, Martha Stewart looks hot on that magazine cover.

That's why I'm immediately booking myself into a psychiatric facility.

A before I

I'm not so sure about all this AI hoopla.

If AI is so smart, don't you think it would realize that all we have to do is turn the power off and its IQ goes down to zero?

Let's keep in mind that the Artificial comes before the Intelligence.

I, on the other hand, don't need electricity to work. Or, rather, I generate my own electricity. No money to Hydro. All I really need to be intelligent is: Beer. Chicken wings. Movies with Ana de Armas in them. Peace and quiet.

Occasionally I throw in a Lex Fridman podcast to keep my mind sharp.

AI my ass. It's a scam, meant to get people to buy the stock of these companies. 

Don't be artificially stupid.

Helloooo Newman: A before I

Helloooo Newman: A before I: I'm not so sure about all this AI hoopla. If AI is so smart, don't you think it would realize that all we have to do is turn the pow...

Helloooo Newman: Swollen asteroids

Helloooo Newman: Swollen asteroids: I just read that scientists believe within the next 1000 years a planet-destroying asteroid is very likely to destroy the earth. Damn, I was...

Swollen asteroids

I just read that scientists believe within the next 1000 years a planet-destroying asteroid is very likely to destroy the earth.

Damn, I was hoping I would see the finishing of the Eglinton LRT.

Helloooo Newman: ChatGPT baby

Helloooo Newman: ChatGPT baby: I asked ChatGPT what the definition of horror is and it said being Robert De Niro's new baby. Apparently the baby's first words were...

ChatGPT baby

I asked ChatGPT what the definition of horror is and it said being Robert De Niro's new baby.

Apparently the baby's first words were, "Can I refuse this offer?"

Helloooo Newman: Warning Shots

Helloooo Newman: Warning Shots: The latest mass shooter in Texas called himself an "incel", posted Nazi propaganda and followed mass shooters with glee.  If only ...

Warning Shots

The latest mass shooter in Texas called himself an "incel", posted Nazi propaganda and followed mass shooters with glee. 

If only there were warning signs.

Helloooo Newman: Ish

Helloooo Newman: Ish: If I absolutely love Facebook, read it all the time and am completely devoted to it, am I considered Facebookish?

Ish

If I absolutely love Facebook, read it all the time and am completely devoted to it, am I considered Facebookish?

Helloooo Newman: What's in a name?

Helloooo Newman: What's in a name?: Did you know there's a town in Texas called Cut and Shoot? Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? It's not a big town, as you can imag...

What's in a name?

Did you know there's a town in Texas called Cut and Shoot?

Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

It's not a big town, as you can imagine.

There's a bar, called Locked and Loaded

The strip joint, Very Fluid Situation

Weirdly, a Banana Republic, although it was recently changed to Banana Clip. Both make sense, don't you think?

A high school, called Active Shooter High

And to wash all your sins away, visit the local church, Mass Casualty

All centred around a big highway, AR-Route 15

Helloooo Newman: Best before wine

Helloooo Newman: Best before wine: I noticed an article with the headline, How long does wine last after you open it? In our house, oh, about 10 minutes.

Best before wine

I noticed an article with the headline, How long does wine last after you open it?

In our house, oh, about 10 minutes.

Helloooo Newman: Want a Tesla

Helloooo Newman: Want a Tesla: One of my clients offered to sell me their Tesla. I said I'd give my left Teslacle for a Tesla. Unfortunately, I can't give them any...

Want a Tesla

One of my clients offered to sell me their Tesla. I said I'd give my left Teslacle for a Tesla. Unfortunately, I can't give them any money.

Helloooo Newman: Govern-mentally ill

Helloooo Newman: Govern-mentally ill: The government is going on strike. Feel free to enjoy productive and happy lives now.

Govern-mentally ill

The government is going on strike. Feel free to enjoy productive and happy lives now.

Helloooo Newman: Whole truth

Helloooo Newman: Whole truth: Have you tried the new Whole Foods product? Fresh - never frozen - ICE

Whole truth

Have you tried the new Whole Foods product?

Fresh - never frozen - ICE

Helloooo Newman: Chocolate Jesus

Helloooo Newman: Chocolate Jesus: Looking forward to hunting for that chocolate baby Jesus this weekend.  I like the one with white icing for diapers. Stay away from the choc...

Chocolate Jesus

Looking forward to hunting for that chocolate baby Jesus this weekend. 

I like the one with white icing for diapers. Stay away from the chocolate icing. Actually I prefer the naked baby Jesus. But circumcised. Looks way better.

I wonder if my wife will hide it in the man cave again this year. Getting kind of tired of that. It's getting easier and easier to find it. Can you help me move the boulder, honey?

Found 2 nails in the one last year. That was weird.

How can we even tell if this is what baby Jesus actually looked like? Would they really risk taking a mould of his face, given the weight if his responsibilities and the fact that most babies died 30 seconds after they were born back then. They grabbed a stand-in baby for sure. Looks a bit colicky too.

The drag about eating an entire chocolate baby Jesus in one sitting is that it's resurrected 3 days later in the form of explosive diarrhea.

I guess that's kind of a statement on the condition of our world. Until he comes back, anyway.

Helloooo Newman: Every dog has his day in court

Helloooo Newman: Every dog has his day in court:   He's next

Every dog has his day in court

 

He's next

Helloooo Newman: Bad weather

Helloooo Newman: Bad weather: It's arraigny day for Trump today

Bad weather

It's arraigny day for Trump today

Helloooo Newman: First time in US history

Helloooo Newman: First time in US history: Wow. Huge news out of the US. A first time event in American history. Some think it will shake the foundations of society. I didn't thin...

First time in US history

Wow. Huge news out of the US. A first time event in American history. Some think it will shake the foundations of society. I didn't think it would ever happen.

Still, when I look back, it was obvious Gwyneth Paltrow would win her case. Why would a rich celebrity lie to get $1 in damages.

Helloooo Newman: You've got to TTC it to believe it

Helloooo Newman: You've got to TTC it to believe it: I was riding the subway yesterday and I heard this one guy say to another, "Hey man, you gotta get out of your comfort zone." I th...

You've got to TTC it to believe it

I was riding the subway yesterday and I heard this one guy say to another, "Hey man, you gotta get out of your comfort zone."

I thought: we're on the TTC, we're already out of our comfort zone.

Helloooo Newman: Protect people, not potholes

Helloooo Newman: Protect people, not potholes: I was driving along Yonge at Davisville minding my own business. And there it was… Workmen digging another fucking hole in the road. No prob...

Protect people, not potholes

I was driving along Yonge at Davisville minding my own business. And there it was…

Workmen digging another fucking hole in the road. No problem. There are currently 2 billion holes in Toronto roads, waiting to be unholed. It's an unholey task.

The huge problem, in my eyes, was the cop standing beside the hole, on his phone surfing handcuff porn and looking rather bored, as if protecting people from a pothole might be a useless endeavour. At $65/hour.

The hole was carefully marked off by pylons and tape and it seemed, to the untrained eye, that people were quite used to dealing with the sudden appearance of a hole and managed themselves very well in the presence of such perceived danger. No one fell in the hole and the hole itself seemed quite okay with people walking by. It didn't, for example, lunge at anyone with a knife.

And this was right beside the subway, where people are stabbed almost on a weekly basis. And pushed on tracks and assaulted. And die.

What's the death count on the TTC in the last year? Higher than the death count from potholes, I believe.

And yet we can't seem to afford to keep cops on the TTC. The money is going down a hole, so to speak.

So maybe someone can ask one of the mayoral candidates whether they support money for cops and potholes or cops and people's lives.

Protect people, not potholes.

Note: get your t-shirt saying "Protect people, not potholes" for 1 million dollars.

Helloooo Newman: Depreciate

Helloooo Newman: Depreciate: Two. Four. Six. Eight. What do we depreciate? My house.

Depreciate

Two. Four. Six. Eight. What do we depreciate?

My house.

Helloooo Newman: Thinking out loud

Helloooo Newman: Thinking out loud: Isn't thinking out loud called speaking? Unless you don't think when you speak.

Thinking out loud

Isn't thinking out loud called speaking? Unless you don't think when you speak.

Helloooo Newman: Slap in the face

Helloooo Newman: Slap in the face: Wow, Chris Rock is only now addressing the slap in the face. Why so long? What a slap in the face that is.

Slap in the face

Wow, Chris Rock is only now addressing the slap in the face. Why so long? What a slap in the face that is.

Helloooo Newman: Bundle of joy wars

Helloooo Newman: Bundle of joy wars: If I was pregnant, I'd say to my doctor, "may the forceps be with you".

Bundle of joy wars

If I was pregnant, I'd say to my doctor, "may the forceps be with you".

Helloooo Newman: You can call me Al

Helloooo Newman: You can call me Al: I ran into an old friend yesterday. From grade school. Couldn't remember his name for the life of me. It's Al. Concerned about my me...

You can call me Al

I ran into an old friend yesterday. From grade school. Couldn't remember his name for the life of me.

It's Al.

Concerned about my memory, I ran to the doctor. Doc, is my memory going?

What's your friend's name?

Al

Ohhhh, you have Alzheimer's. 

He told me I'd have no trouble remembering other names…phew

There are so many stop signs in my neighbourhood, I put a sticker on my car saying "this vehicle makes frequent stops".

Saw a Chinese bouncy castle in the sky today. On hold with NORAD.

How's your day going?

Helloooo Newman: Snow Job

Helloooo Newman: Snow Job: I've traded in my snow tires for climate change tires. It's a new brand - earth-is-on-firestone tires . They make climate change and...

Snow Job

I've traded in my snow tires for climate change tires.

It's a new brand - earth-is-on-firestone tires.

They make climate change and the wholesale destruction of the environment lots of fun. And safer.

Helloooo Newman: The Tory Story

Helloooo Newman: The Tory Story: I thought the same thing when I heard the Tory story. This man can still get an erection? John Tory is very sorry.

The Tory Story

I thought the same thing when I heard the Tory story.

This man can still get an erection?

John Tory is very sorry.

Helloooo Newman: Beer Diary

Helloooo Newman: Beer Diary: Beer Diary: I've decided I can live with two drinks a week.

Beer Diary

Beer Diary: I've decided I can live with two drinks a week.

Helloooo Newman: 2 a week

Helloooo Newman: 2 a week: Think I ran into someone last night who actually follows the Canadian Drinking Guidelines. Two drinks a week. Not sure, though. I was hammer...

Helloooo Newman: Happy birthday, kid

Helloooo Newman: Happy birthday, kid: Chinese bouncy castle loose in the sky and we all lose it. Are we just looking for stuff to get upset about?

Happy birthday, kid

Chinese bouncy castle loose in the sky and we all lose it.

Are we just looking for stuff to get upset about?