HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Tuesday, 31 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: New Diet
Helloooo Newman: New Diet: I tried the Keto diet. Didn't work. I'm on the Speedo diet. I can eat anything I want, as long as I can squeeze into my Speedo. ...
New Diet
I tried the Keto diet. Didn't work.
I'm on the Speedo diet. I can eat anything I want, as long as I can squeeze into my Speedo.
There aren't many options. Styrofoam packing. Saliva. Huge gulps of air.
Or you know those performance artists guys who eat 6 pounds of metal, one little bit at a time? That's an option.
It works.
I'm on the Speedo diet. I can eat anything I want, as long as I can squeeze into my Speedo.
There aren't many options. Styrofoam packing. Saliva. Huge gulps of air.
Or you know those performance artists guys who eat 6 pounds of metal, one little bit at a time? That's an option.
It works.
Monday, 30 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: Taking My Meds
Helloooo Newman: Taking My Meds: As I age like a prized side of beef, it's important that I take my daily meds. The question is…what do I mean by "meds" . ...
Taking My Meds
As I age like a prized side of beef, it's important that I take my daily meds.
The question is…what do I mean by "meds".
There's two choices, at my age.
Medication
or
Meditation.
To medicate or meditate.
They can be easily confused. Both require me to hold still and focus on something. In the case of meditation, it's a sandy beach with Charlize Theron in a "therong". For medication, it's the wonderful feeling of pills distorting my sense of reality.
I have trouble swallowing the benefits of meditation. It's iffy, subjective, and boring. Don't ask me to close my eyes unless you want me to go to sleep.
Pills I can easily swallow.
They're wearing off. Gotta go.
The question is…what do I mean by "meds".
There's two choices, at my age.
Medication
or
Meditation.
To medicate or meditate.
They can be easily confused. Both require me to hold still and focus on something. In the case of meditation, it's a sandy beach with Charlize Theron in a "therong". For medication, it's the wonderful feeling of pills distorting my sense of reality.
I have trouble swallowing the benefits of meditation. It's iffy, subjective, and boring. Don't ask me to close my eyes unless you want me to go to sleep.
Pills I can easily swallow.
They're wearing off. Gotta go.
Friday, 27 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: Lawyer
Helloooo Newman: Lawyer: I wanna be a lawyer so I can go to my tailor and say, "Give me a law suit."
Helloooo Newman: Ice Storm 2013
Helloooo Newman: Ice Storm 2013: Lots of people are remembering the Christmas ice storm of 2013. What a crazy time that was. Many compared it to a war zone. It kinda was...
Ice Storm 2013
Lots of people are remembering the Christmas ice storm of 2013.
What a crazy time that was. Many compared it to a war zone.
It kinda was. Well, except for the dead bodies, land mines, tanks and artillery, disease, starving children, destroyed buildings, the smell of death hanging in the air.
But there were a ton of tree branches down. One doesn't forget that kind of stuff easily.
What a crazy time that was. Many compared it to a war zone.
It kinda was. Well, except for the dead bodies, land mines, tanks and artillery, disease, starving children, destroyed buildings, the smell of death hanging in the air.
But there were a ton of tree branches down. One doesn't forget that kind of stuff easily.
Saturday, 21 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: Bad Joke Time
Helloooo Newman: Bad Joke Time: What do you call a self-employed farmer? An entremanure.
Friday, 20 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: Own the Room
Helloooo Newman: Own the Room: Figured out why I'm always broke. Every time I walk into a room, I own it. Gets expensive.
Own the Room
Figured out why I'm always broke. Every time I walk into a room, I own it. Gets expensive.
Thursday, 19 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: God and Jesus
Helloooo Newman: God and Jesus: It's Christmastime and that means I think a lot about…Jesus. I wonder how He celebrates the holidays. Does He watch himself in The Lit...
God and Jesus
It's Christmastime and that means I think a lot about…Jesus.
I wonder how He celebrates the holidays. Does He watch himself in The Little Drummer Boy? That's my favourite religious movie, mostly because I've always wished I could play the drums. If Jesus were a decent guy He would give the drummer boy a full spread of drums, instead of that rusty tin thing He picked up at a garage sale.
I suspect He avoids God during these times because He's afraid God will find some other place to lock him up in other than a cave. "Hey Jesus, I want you to sleep in this Smart car for 3 days. While we're at it let's put Noah and all the animals in there too."
"Ya, it's to save humanity again. Global warming and all that shit."
"What? Sure I could save them, but what fun is that? Infinity gets boring after the first 10 trillion years. Wanna play Jenga with the African continent?"
I like to think I'm smarter than your average religion, but have you noticed how I capitalize He when I'm talking about God and Jesus? Habit? Or I'm afraid They observe grammatical tradition very closely here on earth.
Recently I heard a priest say that you don't have to be religious to have faith. That's true, but not the problem we have in this world. The problem is you don't have to have faith to behave religiously.
I wonder how He celebrates the holidays. Does He watch himself in The Little Drummer Boy? That's my favourite religious movie, mostly because I've always wished I could play the drums. If Jesus were a decent guy He would give the drummer boy a full spread of drums, instead of that rusty tin thing He picked up at a garage sale.
I suspect He avoids God during these times because He's afraid God will find some other place to lock him up in other than a cave. "Hey Jesus, I want you to sleep in this Smart car for 3 days. While we're at it let's put Noah and all the animals in there too."
"Ya, it's to save humanity again. Global warming and all that shit."
"What? Sure I could save them, but what fun is that? Infinity gets boring after the first 10 trillion years. Wanna play Jenga with the African continent?"
I like to think I'm smarter than your average religion, but have you noticed how I capitalize He when I'm talking about God and Jesus? Habit? Or I'm afraid They observe grammatical tradition very closely here on earth.
Recently I heard a priest say that you don't have to be religious to have faith. That's true, but not the problem we have in this world. The problem is you don't have to have faith to behave religiously.
Friday, 13 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: Swiftian Nightmare
Helloooo Newman: Swiftian Nightmare: Are we in trouble when we are asking Taylor Swift her opinion on Donald Trump? And it gets published? I think we are.
Swiftian Nightmare
Are we in trouble when we are asking Taylor Swift her opinion on Donald Trump? And it gets published?
I think we are.
I mean, Trump isn't one of her ex-boyfriends, so what does she care?
I think we are.
I mean, Trump isn't one of her ex-boyfriends, so what does she care?
Wednesday, 11 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me
Helloooo Newman: Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me: Santa wrote me. Dear Paul: You do realize the words to the song are as follows, He sees you when you're sleeping And he knows whe...
Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me
Santa wrote me.
Dear Paul:
You do realize the words to the song are as follows,
He sees you when you're sleeping
And he knows when you're awake
I've never known you to be awake. You have to wake up sometimes if you want gifts.
Quit the napping.
Santa.
Dear Paul:
You do realize the words to the song are as follows,
He sees you when you're sleeping
And he knows when you're awake
I've never known you to be awake. You have to wake up sometimes if you want gifts.
Quit the napping.
Santa.
Tuesday, 10 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: Favourite Christmas Carol
Helloooo Newman: Favourite Christmas Carol: Being so Christmassy, I often get the question, "Hey, Father Christmas, what's your favourite carol?" It's true. I am a ...
Favourite Christmas Carol
Being so Christmassy, I often get the question, "Hey, Father Christmas, what's your favourite carol?"
It's true. I am a father. And I love mistletoe. More than camel toe. I wear it just above my ass so people can kiss it. I make a list, throw it in the fire, and check it twice to make sure it burned.
Some people think this bah humbug act is an act. It is. It's also typecasting.
So what do I listen to while I'm throwing old Christmas tree needles at the elderly and getting hammered on Jager?
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fuck This. Trust me. It will put you in the mood. Or a mood.
Give it a listen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnRPDQCQMNU
It's true. I am a father. And I love mistletoe. More than camel toe. I wear it just above my ass so people can kiss it. I make a list, throw it in the fire, and check it twice to make sure it burned.
Some people think this bah humbug act is an act. It is. It's also typecasting.
So what do I listen to while I'm throwing old Christmas tree needles at the elderly and getting hammered on Jager?
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fuck This. Trust me. It will put you in the mood. Or a mood.
Give it a listen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnRPDQCQMNU
Sunday, 8 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: Peloton of Trouble
Helloooo Newman: Peloton of Trouble: Hey, a shout out to all those people hurt by the Peloton ad. I'd like to offer some words of comfort. You need to drink more fucking...
Peloton of Trouble
Hey, a shout out to all those people hurt by the Peloton ad.
I'd like to offer some words of comfort.
You need to drink more fucking alcohol.
You need to skip the tv commercials, like everyone else does.
Use the fucking mute button.
Pull that exercise bike from out of your ass and put your ass on the bike. Try losing 2 pounds. It's fucking hard.
All those years I wasn't able to fit into my fucking two-piece bathing suit. I got over it.
My wife watch the ad, and do you know what she did after?
She went on with her fucking life.
You want to be offended? Read this fucking blog.
Oh, and Happy Holidays. Hope you get everything you wish for.
I'd like to offer some words of comfort.
You need to drink more fucking alcohol.
You need to skip the tv commercials, like everyone else does.
Use the fucking mute button.
Pull that exercise bike from out of your ass and put your ass on the bike. Try losing 2 pounds. It's fucking hard.
All those years I wasn't able to fit into my fucking two-piece bathing suit. I got over it.
My wife watch the ad, and do you know what she did after?
She went on with her fucking life.
You want to be offended? Read this fucking blog.
Oh, and Happy Holidays. Hope you get everything you wish for.
Saturday, 7 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: Transitions
Helloooo Newman: Transitions: My reading glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud we live in a world where they can stop pretending and be what they are are – contacts...
Transitions
My reading glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud we live in a world where they can stop pretending and be what they really are – contacts.
Friday, 6 December 2019
Helloooo Newman: Top Ten
Helloooo Newman: Top Ten: I can't stand top ten lists of the best this or that or some other bullshit. You get a lot of these around Christmas. Top Ten bar soaps....
Top Ten
I can't stand top ten lists of the best this or that or some other bullshit. You get a lot of these around Christmas. Top Ten bar soaps. Gee, think I'll get #11 for my wife.
Here's my top ten list of the worst top ten lists.
1. All of them
2. All of them
3. All of them
4. All of them
5. All of them
6. All of them
7. All of them
8. All of them
9. All of them
10. All of them
Here's my top ten list of the worst top ten lists.
1. All of them
2. All of them
3. All of them
4. All of them
5. All of them
6. All of them
7. All of them
8. All of them
9. All of them
10. All of them
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