Helloooo Newman: Food Porn

Helloooo Newman: Food Porn: Have you ever watched the Food channel on a full stomach? Just not the same effect as when you're hungry. It's like masturbating and...

Food Porn

Have you ever watched the Food channel on a full stomach? Just not the same effect as when you're hungry. It's like masturbating and then watching porn.

Meh.

Helloooo Newman: Ego

Helloooo Newman: Ego: It's a good thing I don't realize just how talented I am. I would have a huge ego.

Ego

It's a good thing I don't realize just how talented I am. I would have a huge ego.

Helloooo Newman: Who Hacked the Election?

Helloooo Newman: Who Hacked the Election?: U.S. Intelligence agencies have admitted they made an error and now report that the 2016 election was hacked by Buddy Hackett.

Who Hacked the Election?

Republicans are now speculating that the 2016 election was hacked by Buddy Hackett.

Helloooo Newman: I Barely Know Him

Helloooo Newman: I Barely Know Him: More and more people are coming out and admitting that Donald Trump asked for a quid pro quo from Ukraine. Rudy Giuliani: Donald Trump ask...

I Barely Know Him

More and more people are coming out and admitting that Donald Trump asked for a quid pro quo from Ukraine.

Rudy Giuliani: Donald Trump asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: I barely know the man. I hear he's a reputable lawyer, but don't know him.

Mike Pompeo: Yes, Donald Trump definitely asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: Listen, I barely know the guy. I hear he's a nice guy, but don't know him.

Mike Pence: I was there and Donald Trump definitely asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: I run into him in the halls, but I barely know him. I hear he's a nice guy, but don't know him.

Melania Trump: Last night in bed Donny-poops said that he asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: We're married, but I barely know her. I barely know my other wives too. Or the women I assaulted and raped. I hear they're all sweet. Barely know them.

Barron Trump: I think daddy did something bad to squids and crows.

Donald Trump: I barely know the kid. I've seen his tiny suits hanging in the closet. Maybe we met once, maybe twice. Nice kid. Don't know him.

God. In his prayers, Donald Trump definitely asked for a quid pro quo with Ukraine.

Donald Trump: God who? I don't know the man. In fact, I've never met him. Can you find a picture of me with him? No.

I barely know them.

Helloooo Newman: Time Travel

Helloooo Newman: Time Travel: It makes complete sense. Greta Thunberg, bored with her life in 1898, time-travelled to a period in human history when humans are about t...

Time Travel

It makes complete sense. Greta Thunberg, bored with her life in 1898 (gathering and hewing wood), time-travelled to a period in human history when humans are about to go extinct from climate change. Exciting times.

Helloooo Newman: Tumour

Helloooo Newman: Tumour: I think the reason I don't eat grapefruit anymore is that they're always compared to the size of a tumour. Oh, that tumour is the ...

Tumour

I think the reason I don't eat grapefruit anymore is that they're always compared to the size of a tumour.

Oh, that tumour is the size of a grapefruit. Same with pears. Never eggs for some reason.

Can we pick something other than food to measure tumour size? I don't want to eat a tumour. It causes tumours. How about just using a tape measure.

Golf ball is a better choice. Golf is an annoying and stupid game and shouldn't exist, just like tumours are annoying and stupid.

These days I only eat the fruits that can't be compared to tumours – banana, pineapple (you'd be dead if the tumour were that big), screw pine (because no one's heard of it).

Helloooo Newman: Vision Quest

Helloooo Newman: Vision Quest: My vision is so bad these days I wear glasses while I sleep so I can see my dreams better.

Vision Quest

My vision is so bad these days I wear glasses while I sleep so I can see my dreams better.

Helloooo Newman: Canada Finally Pops its Cherry

Helloooo Newman: Canada Finally Pops its Cherry: Hey, I'm as shocked as you are.

Canada Finally Pops its Cherry

Hey, I'm as shocked as you are.

Helloooo Newman: Greatest Hits: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem

Helloooo Newman: Greatest Hits: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem: Fuck Old Man Winter. Fuck him. Fuuuuuuck him slowly. Fck him fast. Fuck him sdrawkcab. Fuck him forwards. On top. On bottom. ...

Helloooo Newman: The First Snow

Helloooo Newman: The First Snow: Today is the first day of snow in Toronto, otherwise known as the first day Torontonians have ever seen snow in their lives. So let's dr...

The First Snow

Today is the first day of snow in Toronto, otherwise known as the first day Torontonians have ever seen snow in their lives. So let's drive like it's the first time we've ever driven in snow. Let's walk like it's the first day we've ever walked in snow. Let's shut the subway down because it's the first time it's ever snowed. Let's send out the firetrucks because it's the first time it's ever snowed. Let's watch the power go out because it's the first time it's ever snowed.

And let's pretend like it's the last time it will ever snow.

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers: Instead of a "No Soliciting" sign on the front door of my house, I have a "No Hookers" sign. But it's fake. Of cours...

No Hookers

Instead of a "No Soliciting" sign on the front door of my house, I have a "No Hookers" sign. But it's fake. Of course I want hookers to stop by.

Helloooo Newman: Single, Emma Watson Style

Helloooo Newman: Single, Emma Watson Style: Emma Watson says she isn't single but "self-partnered". Ya, I masturbate a lot too, Emma.

Single, Emma Watson Style

Emma Watson says she isn't single but "self-partnered".

Ya, I masturbate a lot too, Emma.

Helloooo Newman: Worth Killing For

Helloooo Newman: Worth Killing For: There aren't many things worth killing for in this world, but the new Popeye's chicken sandwich is certainly one of them.

Worth Killing For

There aren't many things worth killing for in this world, but the new Popeye's chicken sandwich is certainly one of them.

Helloooo Newman: Black Christmas

Helloooo Newman: Black Christmas: It's November 3rd. Where are the Christmas carols?  I need Christmas carols crashing through my eardrums.

Black Christmas

It's November 3rd. Where are the Christmas carols? 

You expect me to get through 2 solid months without Christmas music?

Helloooo Newman: The Mind of a Vegetable

Helloooo Newman: The Mind of a Vegetable: Why do so many vegetarians always talk about the wonderful food they eat, and try to convince me to eat the same food? That would be like ...

The Mind of a Vegetable

Why do so many vegetarians always talk about the wonderful food they eat, and try to convince me to eat the same food?

That would be like me talking about KFC all day, and telling everyone they really need more fried chicken in their diet.

Fried chicken is one of the few signs of evidence I accept that God exists. I went to Florida not too long ago and the supermarket there had the most wonderful, juicy, crispy, golden brown, delicious, just-perfectly-cooked, hot, crispy, golden brown and juicy (and most wonderful) fried chicken. Made right there in front of you. The chicken starts out white and kind of yucky looking, but after not too long it develops this beautiful glittering gold tan colour that your mouth is just dying to crunch into. Like a beautiful woman tanning on a tropical beach. That beautiful blanket of greasy goodness swaddles the meat, so you end up with juicy, sweet and tender chicken. The dichotomy of the crispy skin and the melting chicken meat startles you at first, but then sends a signal to your brain that your body is undergoing something wonderful. Every bite is an emotional journey into my childhood, when I first took a bite of KFC and found God. You really should try it if you haven't. Until then, you haven't lived. You are missing out on a religious experience like no other.

But, you know, I don't go on about it like vegetarians do.