Helloooo Newman: Six Million Dollar Erection

Helloooo Newman: Six Million Dollar Erection: Today I was wondering if the Six Million Dollar Man, when he gets an erection, does it make that funny sound?

Six Million Dollar Erection

Today I was wondering if the Six Million Dollar Man, when he gets an erection, does it make that funny sound? Dah dah dah dah dah.

Helloooo Newman: Mandarin

Helloooo Newman: Mandarin: Mandarin restaurant is offering a free buffet on Canada Day for those that can prove they love consuming disgusting food.

Mandarin

Mandarin restaurant is offering a free buffet on Canada Day for those that can prove they moved to this beautiful country to eat crappy Chinese food.

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause: How come game pieces are always called "men"? Even when you're playing Clue and you have Miss Scarlet or Mrs. Peacock, people...

Guffaws Pause

How come game pieces are always called "men"? Even when you're playing Clue and you have Miss Scarlet or Mrs. Peacock, people say, "Hey, you forgot to move your man." Doesn't make sense, and it's an injustice.

A group of people in a small room decided to address the elephant in the room. The elephant got upset and crushed everyone to death.

I can't afford a new mattress so I'm resting on my laurels. It's kinda lumpy.

What does total war mean? Is that twice as bad as half war? Maybe we should offer different war packages. Off-the-rack war, custom fit war, Grande war.

I'm always comforted knowing that at the end of the day, I go to sleep.

I don't think people should be able to unpack the contents of their bedroom at Starbucks unless they buy me a coffee and some banana bread, heated.

I used Gain as my laundry detergent, but I've changed. Now I use White Gain. Makes my white privilege whiter.

I hate subtitles. It's like having to watch the movie and read the book at the same time. "I thought the subtitles were better than the movie." I'm movie smart.

Why did we waste so much time looking for stuff lost in the Bermuda Triangle? Can someone find that fucking bread tab for me?


Since when is light considered pollution? Will it affect my lungs? Should I close my eyes more?


Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders are too old to run for office. They should walk or they might hurt themselves.


Yesterday I opened a box of Smarties and they were all fake. They were Smarties dummies.


I knew this tightrope walker who had a really good bank balance.


Sometimes three and a half things lead to another.


I think God is out of the forgiveness business. Doesn't pay well.

Helloooo Newman: Movies vs Books

Helloooo Newman: Movies vs Books: I love going to parties and anytime someone is talking about movies or books I always say, "The movie was way better than the book.&quo...

Movies vs Books

I love going to parties and anytime someone is talking about movies or books I always say, "The movie was way better than the book."

"Moby Dick? The movie was way better. Less reading."

"One time I read the book and watched the movie at the same time. The movie was way better. Better acting."

Helloooo Newman: NBA

Helloooo Newman: NBA: Take my beef burgers away?  I'll give you my burgers when you pry them out of my cold, dead hands. Join the NBA – National Burge...

NBA

Take my beef burgers away? 

I'll give you my burgers when you pry them out of my cold, dead hands.

Join the NBA – National Burger Association.

Hey, that ain't basketball.

Helloooo Newman: Save the Plants

Helloooo Newman: Save the Plants: Hey, have you tried those plantless burgers. Getting better every day. Try them with the  plantless  bacon and the  plantless  cheese. ...

Save the Plants

Hey, have you tried those plantless burgers? Getting better every day.

Try them with the plantless bacon and the plantless cheese.

Helloooo Newman: What Writing Dreams May Come

Helloooo Newman: What Writing Dreams May Come: Well, it looks like all my work on this blog is beginning to pay off, being the exceptional writer I am. Hallmark has made me a very gener...

What Writing Dreams May Come

Well, it looks like all my work on this blog is beginning to pay off, being the exceptional writer I am.

Hallmark has made me a very generous offer to head up the "Blank Inside" card division.

It takes a seasoned writer like myself to know how to not write something, and what exactly not to write. Already, my head is full of wonderful writing ideas that I won't put on the cards.

This kind of talent and discipline doesn't come cheap. The next time you see that Bugatti Divo driving down the street, that's me.

Helloooo Newman: The Berlin T-Shirt

Helloooo Newman: The Berlin T-Shirt: On June 12, 1987, Ronald Reagan said, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." It's time for Donald Trump to stand up, be a ...

The Berlin T-Shirt

On June 12, 1987, Ronald Reagan said, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."

It's time for Donald Trump to stand up, be a real President and say, "Mr. Putin, tear off that
t-shirt."

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause: I've tried living in the moment but it's always over before I can. Moments are too short. They should be a least an hour long so I h...

Guffaws Pause

I've tried living in the moment but it's always over before I can. Moments are too short. They should be a least an hour long so I have time to warm up.


Most babies had colic. I had meloncolic.


Instead of throwing everything in but the kitchen sink, start with the kitchen sink. It might work faster.


Teslas across North America are taking charge. They refuse to be sold like slaves to people who tell them where to go. They are driving away by themselves and living their own life. Help free the Teslas. It's the new self-fulfillment car.

Helloooo Newman: Life vs Meat

Helloooo Newman: Life vs Meat: Scientists say that eating meat reduces life expectancy. I find it amusing that they assume I value my life over a bacon cheeseburger.

Life vs Meat

Scientists say that eating meat reduces life expectancy. I find it amusing that they assume I value my life over a bacon cheeseburger.

Helloooo Newman: The Reeves Reiki Hug

Helloooo Newman: The Reeves Reiki Hug: This just in: Keanu Reeves has been arrested. The charge: Practicing Reiki without a licence. It seems the Reeves Woman Hug (he doesn...

The Reeves Reiki Hug

This just in: Keanu Reeves has been arrested.

The charge: Practicing Reiki without a licence.

It seems the Reeves Woman Hug (he doesn't touch women when hugging) is really the Reeves Reiki Hug, an awful ruse to practice…Reiki…illegally.

This entire time, while not touching women to be a swell guy, he was also not touching them to practice Reiki, which is a serious crime.

The police have never seen such an underhanded scheme, even though the hands weren't touching anything.

Authorities were quick to admit that Reeves excelled at Reiki. So far he's cured 331 women of various ailments, including IBS, depression, bad acting and two women are now getting equal pay for equal acting.

Helloooo Newman: Serial Killer Wanted

Helloooo Newman: Serial Killer Wanted: At one point in my life while I was severely unemployed, I considered serial killer as a career. I figured it was a perfect fit for a sole p...

Serial Killer Wanted

At one point in my life while I was severely unemployed, I considered serial killer as a career. I figured it was a perfect fit for a sole proprietor like me, since there weren't many serial killer corporations, and the entry cost was low.

A quick read on the topic in What Color is Your Parachute convinced me that I'm not qualified for this vocation.

The first barrier was IQ. Jeffrey Dahmer, who gave a new meaning to "head lettuce", had an IQ of 144. Ted Bundy – 136. Ted Kaczynski an astounding 167. Fuck, I can't compete with that. He was more Einstein than Einstein. I can't even tie a good knot to bound and gag someone.

Another feature of the successful serial killer is an engaging personality. Strike two for me. I had my first date at age 30. She either slapped me or I drank too much and walked into a bus, but it failed miserably. Clearly my personality needed nurturing, watering, good soil, and a lot of time to develop. Like, maybe until I was 90? I can see my bio. The handicap parking space murders. What a great way to lure victims. "Hey, on your way to the mall? I get the best parking."

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but while a killer like Bundy was really smart, some of his victims were a tad lacking. One of Bundy's ploys was to approach a group of women on a beach and ask them to help him move his 4-ton sailboat that was stuck in mud. Pardon me? I don't want to be sexist, but wouldn't that tip you off to something fishy, and it ain't in the boat? Wouldn't your go-to for heavy lifting be strong men? That would be like me luring men by asking them what they thought of my swatches for a love seat I just bought. As a woman, I'd at least peg him as a porn director.

Eventually, I found other career opportunities.

Helloooo Newman: Rainforest Cafe

Helloooo Newman: Rainforest Cafe: The Rainforest Cafe will be closing due to over-logging, climate change and crappy little kids breaking shit.

Rainforest Cafe

The Rainforest Cafe will be closing due to over-logging, climate change and crappy little kids breaking shit.

Helloooo Newman: A Real Game Changer

Helloooo Newman: A Real Game Changer: If you ever find yourself near me and you use the term game changer , you better watch out. I'll pelt you with stale Fig Newtons. Way ...

A Real Game Changer

If you ever find yourself near me and you use the term game changer, you better watch out. I'll pelt you with stale Fig Newtons.

Way overused.

Once I was playing Scrabble with a friend. We got bored and decided to play beer pong. That's a game changer.

North Korea getting ICBMs is not a game changer. Still the same fucking game. It's just the Platinum version with a 3-D board and really expensive men.

Helloooo Newman: Casting Aspersions

Helloooo Newman: Casting Aspersions: Why do we always cast aspersions? Was this invented by a bunch of fishermen? I've never been good at casting. Just ask my friend, who...

Casting Aspersions

Why do we always cast aspersions? Was this invented by a bunch of fishermen?

I've never been good at casting. Just ask my friend, who got a hook in the lip on our last fishing trip. It certainly spiced things up. Fishing is fucking boring. I do most of mine at the fish and chips place.

From now on I'm gonna send my aspersions via Uber Eats.

Helloooo Newman: Facebook Letdown

Helloooo Newman: Facebook Letdown: Facebook put together a video of my memories for the last 6 years. It was written and directed by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss so the ending...

Facebook Letdown

Facebook put together a video of my memories for the last 6 years. It was written and directed by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss so the ending sucks.

Helloooo Newman: Muscle Cramp

Helloooo Newman: Muscle Cramp: At my advancing age I should be looking for that perfect muscle car to relive my youth. Unfortunately, with the shape my body's in, it w...

Muscle Cramp

At my advancing age I should be looking for that perfect muscle car to relive my youth. Unfortunately, with the shape my body's in, it will be closer to a muscle cramp car.

Helloooo Newman: Wireless

Helloooo Newman: Wireless: Introducing the Wireless Wires . No fussing around with tangles and knots because nothing's there Wireless Wires . Nothing has nev...

Wireless

Introducing Wireless Wires.

No fussing around with tangles and knots because nothing's there.

Wireless Wires.

Nothing has never been better.

Helloooo Newman: Message in a Ballot

Helloooo Newman: Message in a Ballot: I remember during a provincial election in the nefarious 90s I spoiled my ballot. I had learned about the candidates, studied the issues, we...

Message in a Ballot

I remember during a provincial election in the nefarious 90s I spoiled my ballot. I had learned about the candidates, studied the issues, weighed my options, and then across the entire card I carefully wrote:

LOSERS

It felt very gratifying to exercise my franchise in that way. Until the nice lady put my ballot through a scanner to ensure it was filled out properly, and the machine started screaming, "SPOILED BALLOT". "Shit, I left the iron on, gotta go now."

Still, it was important for me to send that "message in a ballot".

Wherever you are, whatever election you are voting in, what will be your "message in a ballot"?

Here's some help. A song I wrote called Message in a Ballot (sung to Message in a Bottle).

Just a vote away
A voter lost at sea
Another loser choice
With no options for me
More money gone
Than any man can bear
Vote them out before I fall into despair

I'll give the SOB the boot
I'll give the SOB the boot
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my…

Message in a ballot, whoa oh

Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB…