Helloooo Newman: Climate Change – The Political View

Helloooo Newman: Climate Change – The Political View: I guess it's only politicians that get to run around screaming about the dangers of climate change and we need to change the way we live...

Climate Change – The Political View

I guess it's only politicians that get to run around screaming about the dangers of climate change and we need to change the way we live and then run to some other place and cut a ribbon to celebrate the opening of new car factories that create the environment that requires them to run around screaming about the dangers of climate change and we need to change the way we live.

Helloooo Newman: Small Business Owner

Helloooo Newman: Small Business Owner: People call me a small business owner. First of all, I'm 5 feet 8 inches, which is in the 70th percentile for heights. And that's ...

Small Business Owner

People call me a small business owner.

First of all, I'm 5 feet 8 inches, which is in the 70th percentile for heights. And that's when I'm not puffing myself up to look bigger, I haven't washed my hair so it's really flat, and I have no clothes on.

Plus, my ideas are really big.

Just call me a business owner and stop discriminating.

Helloooo Newman: Redacted Marriage

Helloooo Newman: Redacted Marriage: With the Mueller Report fresh in everyone's minds, I am reviewing that Prenup my wife made me sign. Especially the redacted parts. Very ...

Redacted Marriage

With the Mueller Report fresh in everyone's minds, I am reviewing that Prenup my wife made me sign. Especially the redacted parts. Very suspicious, indeed.

Helloooo Newman: New Bacon

Helloooo Newman: New Bacon: In a miraculous achievement, scientists have revived the dead brains of pigs. The pigs are doing well and will soon be available in your s...

New Bacon

In a miraculous achievement, scientists have revived the dead brains of pigs.

The pigs are doing well and will soon be available in your supermarket as "born again bacon".

https://www.bbc.com/news/health-47960874

Helloooo Newman: Wagging or Biting

Helloooo Newman: Wagging or Biting: We all know that for humans, smiling uses less muscles than frowning. Scientists have discovered a similar thing in dogs. It takes less mu...

Wagging or Biting

We all know that for humans, smiling uses fewer muscles than frowning.

Scientists have discovered a similar thing in dogs. It takes fewer muscles to wag their tail than to viciously attacked someone, latch onto their neck and then violently shake and kill them.

One unlucky scientists is currently testing this finding on lions, tigers, pumas, cheetahs, leopards, wildebeest, and Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Helloooo Newman: Investigative Journalism

Helloooo Newman: Investigative Journalism: People say that investigative journalism is dead. Not so. It's getting better and better. My favourite kind of journalism is the kind ...

Investigative Journalism

People say that investigative journalism is dead.

Not so. It's getting better and better. My favourite kind of journalism is the kind where "reporters" sit at home jacking off to Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen in the first episode of the LAST SEASON of Game of Thrones and then jack off some more as they write articles spoiling it for people who didn't have time to jack off last night to the premiere. Of the LAST SEASON.

I'm sending the Knight King after them.

Helloooo Newman: Magnetic Field

Helloooo Newman: Magnetic Field: Here's an article saying that the earth's magnetic field is weakening 10 times faster than previously thought. I'm not sure bu...

Magnetic Field

Here's an article saying that the earth's magnetic field is weakening 10 times faster than previously thought.

I'm not sure but I think that's why all my fridge magnets fell off last night. I thought maybe it was a burglar who went to make a sandwich, was pissed there's was nothing good to eat and slammed the door.

If the magnetic field weakens enough, everyone will get cancer and the human race will die.

Wow. That's a lot to handle. Let's take care of the fridge magnet thing first.

https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2019-04-12/weakening-earths-magnetic-field-has-greatly-accelerated

Helloooo Newman: My Wife's Purse

Helloooo Newman: My Wife's Purse: The first-ever picture of the black hole is actually a picture of the inside of my wife's purse. You can't find anything in it. Just...

My Wife's Purse

The first-ever picture of the black hole is actually a picture of the inside of my wife's purse. You can't find anything in it. Just complete blackness. Nothing escapes it, not even light. Well, occasionally her Visa escapes. Like, maybe every day. It was last seen at Harrods so if you see it can you call me?

But mostly, nothing.

Helloooo Newman: Black Hole is a Fake

Helloooo Newman: Black Hole is a Fake: A group of scientists gone rogue have revealed that the black hole picture is a fake. It's actually a picture of Stephen Miller's so...

Black Hole is a Fake

A group of scientists gone rogue have revealed that the black hole picture is a fake. It's actually a picture of Stephen Miller's soul, taken during an especially painful colonoscopy.

Helloooo Newman: Vacuum Deaths

Helloooo Newman: Vacuum Deaths: Newman refuses to read the stats. There has never been a dog who has died a vacuum-related death. None. Vacuuming is safer than flying, ...

Vacuum Deaths

Newman refuses to read the stats. There has never been a dog who has died a vacuum-related death.

None.

Vacuuming is safer than flying, for dogs. More dogs slip and hurt themselves while being given a bath by their owner than from vacuuming.

You cannot get a perforated colon from vacuuming. But you can from eating chicken bones, which Newman does every time I take him to KFC.

And yet, when time I turn on the vacuum, he runs in terror. As if, finally, I've decided to carry out my plans of canine murder.

It's simple ignorance on his part. I wish he would read up on it.

Ignorance will get him in the end, not vacuuming.

Helloooo Newman: Baby Toenail

Helloooo Newman: Baby Toenail: Why does the baby toe have a nail? Look at the thing. It's useless. Ugly as all hell. I'm sure you could rip it off and your foot...

Baby Toenail

Why does the baby toe have a nail? Look at the thing. What's it doing there? Not protecting much, that's for sure. Ugly as all hell. I'm sure you could rip it off and your foot wouldn't even mind.

It's like the Pluto of toenails. Way out on the edge. Not even a planet. Just a big hunk of mess floating around for no good reason.

It's time scientists took away the status of the baby toenail as a nail. It's a toe tumour. Remove it at birth. Pedicurists should refuse to even touch it.

Helloooo Newman: Trillions of Pesos from the Bezos

Helloooo Newman: Trillions of Pesos from the Bezos: Shit, I would have married the guy if I new we would get divorced. I mean, I think. Ya…um…well…okay, maybe not. Yes. For sure, yes. M...

Trillions of Pesos from the Bezos

Shit, I would have married the guy if I new we would get divorced. I mean, I think. Ya…um…well…okay, maybe not.

Yes. For sure, yes.

Maybe.

Helloooo Newman: iHeaven

Helloooo Newman: iHeaven: After buying all the clouds and calling it the iCloud, Apple has now purchased Heaven. It will be called iHeaven, obviously. When you di...

iHeaven

After buying all the clouds and calling it the iCloud, Apple is moving up and has purchased Heaven.

It will be called iHeaven, obviously.

When you die, there will be a monthly charge to store yourself in iHeaven. You receive a certain amount of iHeaven storage free. Probably enough to store the appendages of your average male or female. Anything above that (the torso, head, genitalia) will be subject to a hefty fee. If you are overweight or thick-boned, it will cost even more, so be sure to lose weight just before you go.

There are plans available for people who die with no money. This will be negotiated in iLimbo, on your journey to iHeaven.

Good luck.

Helloooo Newman: Olds

Helloooo Newman: Olds: Why do we call it old news? Isn't it just olds?

Olds

Why do we call it old news? Isn't it just olds?

Helloooo Newman: Google Search

Helloooo Newman: Google Search: Do you ever Google-search old classmates to see if they've aged worse than you, and then do a mini-celebration in your head when they lo...

Google Search

Do you ever Google-search old classmates to see if they've aged worse than you, and then do a mini-celebration in your head when they look like crap? "Shit, I look so much better than them."

Nah, me neither.

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Retire and Stuff

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Retire and Stuff: Beside every Canadian Tire store I'm building a store called Canadian Retire. All the employees are retired, so there's no one in th...

Canadian Retire and Stuff

Beside every Canadian Tire store I'm building a store called Canadian Retire. All the employees are retired, so there's no one in the store. Even then, we'll have better customer service than Canadian Tire.


Why do we always say, "Hey, keep an eye on that guy." Why not both eyes? What is the other eye doing? Reading? Try both eyes. It works better.


It's funny that death is called the big sleep, and we follow it with a wake. A near death experience is called the big nap.


It's impossible to preview a movie. You're either viewing it or you aren't. You can pre-drink or have pre-sex before the movie. But you can't preview the movie.


It's also impossible for a house to be semi-detached. My house is attached to another house. I've looked everywhere for a "semi" and there is none. Similar to the movie. You're either attached or not. Detached houses do not exist. What are they suppose to be detached from? Were they born attached to another house and then separated? It's just a house, sitting there. If anything, it's attached…to the goddamn earth.


All cars are used cars. Unless the car was built in the very spot that you bought it and drove it away from.

Helloooo Newman: Golf Cheater

Helloooo Newman: Golf Cheater: A well known American sportswriter claims that Donald Trump cheats like crazy at his golf game. Gee, I didn't realize I had so much in...

Golf Cheater

A well known American sportswriter claims that Donald Trump cheats like crazy at his golf game.

Gee, I didn't realize I had so much in common with the Donald.

Helloooo Newman: Joltin' Joe

Helloooo Newman: Joltin' Joe: I got a real jolt yesterday. They came up from behind. Rubbed my shoulders. Kissed my hair. Shit, it's Joe Biden, again. No. Just ...

Helloooo Newman: Joltin' Joe

Helloooo Newman: Joltin' Joe: I got a real jolt yesterday. They came up from behind. Rubbed my shoulders. Kissed my hair. Shit, it's Joe Biden, again. No. Just ...

Joltin' Joe

I got a real jolt yesterday.

They came up from behind. Rubbed my shoulders. Kissed my hair.

Shit, it's Joe Biden, again.

No. Just my wife.

Whew.

Helloooo Newman: Autopsy

Helloooo Newman: Autopsy: I'm gonna have my autopsy while I'm alive. I want to know the results.

Autopsy

I'm gonna have my autopsy before I die. I want to know the results.