Helloooo Newman: City vs Country

Helloooo Newman: City vs Country: Notice how everyone says, "It's so nice to get out of the city." "Hey Bob, you going away this weekend?" "Y...

City vs Country

Notice how everyone says, "It's so nice to get out of the city."

"Hey Bob, you going away this weekend?"

"Ya, weather's crappy but it's so nice to get out of the city."

But no one every says, "It's so nice to get out of the country."

"Bob! What are you doing in the city?"

"It's just so nice to get out of the country. Rolling hills, beautiful sunsets, peace and quiet, free parking everywhere. I just had to get away from all that, Dave."

Helloooo Newman: Murder and Matryoshka

Helloooo Newman: Murder and Matryoshka: Russia has gone too far with these international murders. In allegiance with NATO allies, I'm expelling all my matryoshka dolls. They...

Murder and Matryoshka

Russia has gone too far with these international murders. In allegiance with NATO allies, I'm expelling all my matryoshka dolls. They were spies anyway.

Helloooo Newman: Jumping to Conclusions

Helloooo Newman: Jumping to Conclusions: When I was young and naive, I would always jump to conclusions so quickly. Now that I'm old and naive, I don't do that so much any...

Jumping to Conclusions

When I was young and naive, I would always jump to conclusions so quickly.

Now that I'm old and naive, I don't do that so much anymore. Bad for the knees. I walk pretty slowly to the conclusion, or sometimes when I'm especially tired, I'll steal an old person's motorized scooter to get there. I guess I should buy my own, but will I need one all the time? I don't want to jump to conclusions.

Soon I'll be so old I'll stroll to a hunch or meander to a theory and skip the conclusion altogether.

It's probably easier to just text the conclusion to let it know I'm not showing up.

Helloooo Newman: Plaque

Helloooo Newman: Plaque: My new toothbrush says it removes 96% of all the plaque on my teeth. It kindly leaves behind 4% so my next toothbrush will have a job.

Plaque

My new toothbrush says it removes 96% of all the plaque on my teeth. It kindly leaves behind 4% so my next toothbrush will have a job.

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom: Maybe I would have made better life decisions if I kept my wisdom teeth.

Wisdom

Maybe I would have made better life decisions if I kept my wisdom teeth.

Helloooo Newman: Saving Your Bacon

Helloooo Newman: Saving Your Bacon: I think I've been a pretty good friend to the people I've known over the years. However, when push comes to shove, when the stakes...

Saving Your Bacon

I think I've been a pretty good friend to the people I've known over the years.

However, when push comes to shove, when the stakes are high, when it all falls on me, I've never saved anyone's bacon, whose bacon needed saving.

I think you can understand why. When a friend leaves me their bacon to save, well…I mean…it's bacon. How can I save it? How can I not eat it?

Get real.

Helloooo Newman: Numbers

Helloooo Newman: Numbers: Maybe the reason we call fingers digits is that we use them to count. Why do we have raw data, or numbers? Are they healthier than cooked...

Numbers

Maybe the reason we call fingers digits is that we use them to count.

Why do we have raw data, or numbers? Are they healthier than cooked data? Or can you get an infection if you eat numbers that aren't cooked enough? If you cook numbers and put them in a book, you've cooked the books, which is illegal. My favourite number to eat would be Pi, but I would eat it raw. It's an infinite number and would take a very long time to cook properly.

Helloooo Newman: Opportunity

Helloooo Newman: Opportunity: I've been waiting for opportunity to knock, but I think I've been in the  shower every time it comes by.

Opportunity

I've been waiting for opportunity to knock, but I think I've been in the 

shower every time it comes by.

Helloooo Newman: 1000 Reasons to Read This Blog

Helloooo Newman: 1000 Reasons to Read This Blog: Human beings love round numbers. "Honey, it's our 50th anniversary. Let's go to Niagara Falls and visit the casino. I hear th...

1000 Reasons to Read This Blog

Human beings love round numbers.

"Honey, it's our 50th anniversary. Let's go to Niagara Falls and visit the casino. I hear the buffet is marvelous."

Except when we list things. Suddenly odd numbers work better.

Remember The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People? I suspect they could have found 3 more habits to round it to 10. I can think of one already – don't stick a hammer up your ass.

Other books: 101 Horror Movies, 5 Things Everyone Should Have in Their Wallet, 9 Reasons Not to Eat Your Appendix.

Well, there are exactly 1,000 reasons to read this blog.

Those reasons are…

ha…kidding.

Helloooo Newman: Red Bulletin

Helloooo Newman: Red Bulletin: Three Red Bull employees were caught steeling naps at work. They were warned – sleeping of any kind on or off the job will not be tolerat...

Red Bulletin

Three Red Bull employees were caught steeling naps at work.

They were warned – sleeping of any kind on or off the job will not be tolerated.

It was a real wake up call for them.

Helloooo Newman: 24/7 Internet

Helloooo Newman: 24/7 Internet: Isn't it awesome that the internet is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? I remember when I first got hooked up, I thought it was goin...

24/7 Internet

Isn't it awesome that the internet is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

I remember when I first got hooked up, I thought it was going to be the internet store. Strictly a 9 to 5 operation. Or worse. Remember those "banking hours" in the old days – 11-3? Every Friday afternoon at 2:59 I'd rush three red lights and swerve around 2 pedestrians in my mom's car, speeding to the bank to see a teller, who would count out paper money for me. "I need beer money, please." That's so last epoch. "Hey, I got here one minute before closing. You can't kick me out."

Two hundred dollars back then seemed to be the magic figure for me to drink all weekend and maybe eat some food. Mostly drink. Sometimes all drink. Bit of food. Maybe.

Turns out I was wrong about the internet. It wasn't at all like my local Beckers. Are you telling me I can visit the internet "store" without a shirt on? No shoes? Awesome.

Sign me up.

The rest is history, which you can Google, 24 hours a day.

Helloooo Newman: Russian Investigation

Helloooo Newman: Russian Investigation: Russian investigators have kindly offered to look into the poisonings in Britain. First, they have to close some other pressing invest...

Russian Investigation

Russian investigators have kindly offered to look into the poisonings in Britain.

First, they have to close some other pressing investigations.

• Did Stalin really do standup in the Gulag under the name Mikhail the Jail comic?

• Who keeps stealing Putin's shirt, just when he's getting his photo taken?

• Were Leonid Brezhnev's parent's human?

Helloooo Newman: A Gun's Gun

Helloooo Newman: A Gun's Gun: The other day I saw a gun carrying another gun for safety. No one is safe, it said. It was a smart gun. Knew all of its gun rights. ...

A Gun's Gun

The other day I saw a gun carrying another gun for protection.

No one is safe, it said.

It was a smart gun. Knew all of its gun rights.

The gun holding the gun also wanted to get a gun, but the first gun wouldn't let it, stating it was getting too confusing and really difficult to aim.

Helloooo Newman: Trouble in Toyland

Helloooo Newman: Trouble in Toyland: TOYS "R" b US t

Trouble in Toyland

TOYS "R" bUSt

Helloooo Newman: Hawking Radiated

Helloooo Newman: Hawking Radiated: I've always believed that I could have been as smart as Stephen Hawking if I were him, instead of me. In honour of his life, you wo...

Hawking Radiated

I've always believed that I could have been as smart as Stephen Hawking if I were him, instead of me.

In honour of his life, you won't hear about his biggest blunder, but you should. It illustrates the humble nature of a huge intelligence.

It centres around black holes, and I don't mean my appetite for bbq.

Hawking initially said that everything, including light, gets sucked into a black hole and disappears forever. I know, kinda sounds like your VISA, doesn't it?

Problem is, this violates the law of conservation of information, which states that all information in the universe is here forever. The universe is not an iMAC and you can't delete stuff. If the universe were a dryer and you put your socks in it, they would all come out dry. Think about it – impossible to lose a sock.

To express it more scientifically, "stuff ain't going nowhere."

The only exception might be when you delete my blog. Many in the scientific community and beyond are hoping my blog disappears forever.

In his never-ending quest for truth, Hawking lost a bet and admitted he was wrong. He discovered "Hawking Radiation".

I'm not sure where Mr. Hawking is now. Maybe in that big black hole in the sky. And we are left hoping other prominent people can admit when they're wrong.

Helloooo Newman: You're Pre-Fired!

Helloooo Newman: You're Pre-Fired!: I just got a tweet saying that Donald Trump has fired me. I'm on a list of people who are being pre-fired. I was never hired, I twe...

You're Pre-Fired!

I just got a tweet saying that Donald Trump has fired me. I'm on a list of people who are being pre-fired.

I was never hired, I tweeted back, and I'm Canadian.

Doesn't matter, said the tweet. I'm still pre-fired. It saves time.

I'm just waiting for a call from his lawyer to see if he'll pay me to keep quiet about this.

Helloooo Newman: Sweet Dreams

Helloooo Newman: Sweet Dreams: Sometimes when I'm having trouble falling asleep, I tell myself about my own dreams until I get bored, which takes about 3 seconds.

Sweet Dreams

Sometimes when I'm having trouble falling asleep, I tell myself about my own dreams until I get bored, which takes about 3 seconds.

Helloooo Newman: Stormy Weather

Helloooo Newman: Stormy Weather: Being harassed by a fake blonde with big tits. It can't be much fun for Stormy Daniels.

Stormy Weather

Being harassed by a fake blonde with big tits.
It can't be much fun for Stormy Daniels.

Helloooo Newman: Seven Years of Life

Helloooo Newman: Seven Years of Life: Two minutes before I'm about to die, I'm gonna break a mirror. This will entitle me to seven years of bad luck, so I can't di...

Seven Years of Life

Two minutes before I'm about to die, I'm gonna break a mirror. This will entitle me to seven years of bad luck, so I can't die.

The Grim Reaper will say, "Aaaawwwwwwweeee shhheeeeiiiitttt. See you in seven years and two minutes, pal."

Helloooo Newman: The Messiah

Helloooo Newman: The Messiah: I think the reason we call Him the Mess iah is that He's coming back to clean up this mess. But when, already?

The Messiah

I think the reason we call Him the Messiah is that He's coming back to clean up this mess.

But when, already?

Helloooo Newman: Phloem People

Helloooo Newman: Phloem People: There are two kinds of people in the world. Those that haphazardly peel a banana and eat it without thinking. And those that carefully ...

Phloem People

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those that haphazardly peel a banana and eat it without thinking.

And those that carefully peel those annoying little banana strings underneath the peel, and THEN eat the banana.

Phloem bundles.

That's their name.

Studies show that people who peel their phloem are healthier, happier, better looking, smarter, and write the best blogs.

Helloooo Newman: Body Electric

Helloooo Newman: Body Electric: I no longer get gas when I eat certain foods. My body has gone totally electric.

Body Electric

I no longer get gas when I eat certain foods. My body has gone totally electric.

Helloooo Newman: Passwords

Helloooo Newman: Passwords: I've changed all my passwords to "Stormy Daniels".   Keep it a secret.

Passwords

I've changed all my passwords to "Stormy Daniels". 

Keep it a secret.

Helloooo Newman: Scratch-n-sniff

Helloooo Newman: Scratch-n-sniff: It's too bad we can't have scratch-n-sniff mosquito bites.

Scratch-n-sniff

It's too bad we can't have scratch-n-sniff mosquito bites.

Helloooo Newman: China Shop

Helloooo Newman: China Shop: I once took a Red Bull into a china shop.

China Shop

I once took a Red Bull into a china shop.

Helloooo Newman: Reverse Boycott

Helloooo Newman: Reverse Boycott: Instead of boycotting a store, I'm gonna buy their entire inventory so they can't sell anything else and they go out of business.

Reverse Boycott

Instead of boycotting a store, I'm gonna buy their entire inventory so they can't sell anything else and they go out of business.

Helloooo Newman: Body IQ

Helloooo Newman: Body IQ: Finally. My body weight and my IQ are the same. I had to lose a lot of weight, but I did it. I'm very skinny and dumb.

Body IQ

Finally. My body weight and my IQ are the same. I had to lose a lot of weight, but I did it.

I'm very skinny and dumb.

Helloooo Newman: If I Could Read My Mind

Helloooo Newman: If I Could Read My Mind: I'm working on my mind reading skills. People tell me it's impossible to truly read minds, but I've had some success. Last wee...

If I Could Read My Mind

I'm working on my mind reading skills. People tell me it's impossible to truly read minds, but I've had some success.

Last week, for the first time, I read my own mind. It's a start.

The signal is a bit weak, but it's definitely there. I hear this dripping sound, and there's a dank smell. The smell gets worse when I'm near wifi. Weird.

Next month, on to other minds.

Helloooo Newman: Car Mode

Helloooo Newman: Car Mode: I put my iPhone in car mode because I'm afraid of flying.

Car Mode

I put my iPhone in car mode because I'm afraid of flying.

Helloooo Newman: Sometimes when I'm really well-rested I'll pull an...

Helloooo Newman: Sometimes when I'm really well-rested I'll pull an...: Sometimes when I'm really well-rested I'll pull an all-dayer.

Sometimes when I'm really well-rested I'll pull an all-dayer.

Helloooo Newman: Celebration of Death

Helloooo Newman: Celebration of Death: Doesn't it seem crazy that we wait for someone to be dead before we hold a celebrate of life? "Hey, now that you're all corps...

Celebration of Death

Doesn't it seem crazy that we wait for someone to be dead before we hold a celebrate of life?

"Hey, now that you're all corpsey, I feel I should tell you what a great friend you were."

To even things out, I think we should have a celebration of death when we are born.

It would be a fun gathering of friends while you sit there in your poopy diapers. On the wall would be all kinds of computer-simulated pictures; you gradually aging, then you're at the old folks home, again in diapers, then you're in the hospital with tubes coming out of your neck, then you're in a coffin, dead.

Life, and death, is about balance.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: Vladimir Putin has done it again. He's invented a nuke so invisible to US defences that it doesn't exist. (Picture above) . And all ...

Wit Bits

Vladimir Putin has done it again. He's invented a nuke so invisible to US defences that it doesn't exist. (Picture above). And all with no shirt on.

Whenever someone catches me napping, I tell them I was blinking very slowly.