Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman Audio Version

Helloooo Newman: Helloooo Newman Audio Version: Helloooo Newman now offers an audio-only version of our blogs. For audio-only, please close your eyes and read the blogs out loud. ...

Helloooo Newman Audio Version

Helloooo Newman now offers an audio-only version of our blogs.

For audio-only, please close your eyes and read the blogs out loud.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I went to Starbucks this morning and they were already  sold out of their new offering, Covfefe. That's the power of brands.

Musings and Woes

I went to Starbucks this morning and they were already 

sold out of their new offering, Covfefe. That's the power of brands.

Helloooo Newman: Uber Mensch

Helloooo Newman: Uber Mensch: I's an honour to work for Uber, and I can't wait til they switch to driverless cars. What an easy job.

Uber Mensch

I's an honour to work for Uber, and I can't wait til they switch to driverless cars. What an easy job.

Helloooo Newman: Prenaptials

Helloooo Newman: Prenaptials: Regular readers to this world famous blog, which numbers in the single digits (not married digits) know that I love to sleep. And nap. A...

Prenaptials

Regular readers to this world famous blog, which numbers in the single digits (not married digits) know that I love to sleep. And nap. And nap while I sleep, dream that I'm sleeping while I'm sleeping & napping and, finally, I really enjoy pre- and post-sleeping.

Soon I will have my pre- and post-doctorate in Advanced Yawning. My thesis is on learning to elicit genuine yawns while having one's entire hypodermis tattooed with a Dremel.

What you don't know is that when I got married, I made my wife sign a preNAPtial agreement. I believe I'm the first male to achieve this.

This agreement states that I am allowed to nap in every 4 hour period, no matter where we are or what is happening at the moment. A separate clause states that I am not allowed to nap if doing so leads to the formation of a black hole and the end of the universe.

Not only that. An independent napping clause, which adds nap time based on a complicated math formula written by Stephen Hawking, kicks in if my wife makes me work extra hard, like getting my own beer, walking up the stairs or purchasing beef jerky.

So, what am I doing awake?

Good question.

Helloooo Newman: Musing and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musing and Woes: Aren't all suicides actually murder/suicides?

Musing and Woes

Aren't all suicides actually murder/suicides?

Helloooo Newman: Electric Chair

Helloooo Newman: Electric Chair: Due to the increased health risks associated with sitting, the electric chair will be banned as a form of capital punishment. Sitting i...

Electric Chair

Due to the increased health risks associated with sitting, the electric chair will be banned as an instrument of capital punishment.

Sitting is the new smoking, doctors say, and sitting in an electric chair is definitely the new smoking, when it's turned on.

Voltzgang Burnstein, The Chairman of Executions, sitting in his chair, man, made an announcement: "It's tragic, how lives have been cut short by the mere act of sitting. Some of our inmates have died seconds before we zap them, which isn't fair, because we are supposed to kill them, not the sitting. Some, who were later found innocent and released, died shortly thereafter, from sitting waiting to be found innocent."

Under consideration is an electric mattress. Lying down is not bad for you, if you explain to the body that you are lying down to rest and not because you are a stupid lazy do-nothing dolt.

Helloooo Newman: Glass Floor

Helloooo Newman: Glass Floor: I guess I don't feel too sorry for women who hit the glass ceiling. Everyday I wrestle with the glass floor . How low can I go? ...

Glass Floor

I guess I don't feel too sorry for women who hit the glass ceiling.

Everyday I wrestle with the glass floor.

How low can I go? How unsuccessful can I be?

If it wasn't for that damn glass floor, I could be a complete, unadulterated failure in life.

Unadulterated Failure: Now that's something concrete you can out on a business card, as your title.

Instead, I have to settle for wishy-washy mediocrity.

Paul Hardie: Super Okay at things.

Now, about those padded walls…

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I don't like being awake, I like having been awake.

Musings and Woes

I don't like being awake, I like having been awake.

Helloooo Newman: Leader of the Pack?

Helloooo Newman: Leader of the Pack?: Donald Trump, the boy President, was temporarily left behind the pack. Asked what happened, Mr. Trump said, "I was shaking my ow...

Leader of the Pack?

Donald Trump, the boy President, was temporarily left behind the pack.

Asked what happened, Mr. Trump said, "I was shaking my own hand, for the great job I'm doing, and I wouldn't let go. My hands just wouldn't pry apart. Five, six, seven minutes, and I'm still congratulating myself. Shit, I'm getting behind. I finally broke the awesomeness spell and used my strong hand to shove a world leader out of the way and take my rightful place as boy President."

Note: Some of Mr. Trump's words have been changed to protect the truth.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: When I get my self-driving car I hope it's standard instead of automatic – way more sexy and fun.

Musings and Woes

When I get my self-driving car I hope it's standard instead of automatic – way more sexy and fun.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I thought my meds were making me drowsy and then I realized it was just me being awake.

Musings and Woes

I thought my meds were making me drowsy and then I realized it was just me being awake.

Helloooo Newman: The GoodLife

Helloooo Newman: The GoodLife: I can't stand having to walk to my GoodLife Fitness palace. I'm trying to stay fit here, for goodness sake.

The GoodLife

I can't stand having to walk to my GoodLife Fitness palace. I'm trying to stay fit here, for goodness sake.

Helloooo Newman: Happy as a Clam

Helloooo Newman: Happy as a Clam: When you think about seafood, and the various moods they might experience, do you peg clams as being particularly happy creatures? Happi...

Happy as a Clam

When you think about seafood, and the various moods they might experience, do you peg clams as being particularly happy creatures? Happier than, say, your average krill?

When we humans are really happy, thrilled, and elated, we are happy as a clam.

Isn't the key word here food? SeaFOOD. We eat clams. I wouldn't blame the clam for being slightly depressed about the unfortunate fate that it's on the menu.

Clam: "Sounds like someone's at the door. Better go answer th…wait, what? You can't come in? HOME INVASION!! Return my house this minute. Okay, keep the house, don't eat me."

I would think oysters are the happy ones. They are aphrodisiacs, which means they have sex all day. Reaching full orgasm might make up for the fact that I'm sliding down someone's esophagus, on my way to being dissolved by stomach acid.

I have trouble believing a clam maintains its sunny nature once it sees the boiling pot of water in which it will be cooked. Ouch. I can't even stay in a sauna for 5 minutes.

You never know. Perhaps our little clam has Don't Worry, Be Happy on his iPod and has developed a positive outlook on life. It sees the pot as half full of boiling water instead of half empty. How can you dare eat such a hopeful clam?

I'm not even sure why people eat clams. I gave them up when I sneezed into a shell and the clam didn't look any different, just bigger. Can I soak in this whirlpool of snot?

I'd rather be a mussel. With big, strong mussels, you can defend yourself.

Helloooo Newman: Closed for Ideas

Helloooo Newman: Closed for Ideas: I think the reason I have trouble accepting the Bible as truth is that, as much as I try to keep an open mind about these things, I close...

Closed for Ideas

I think the reason I have trouble accepting the Bible as truth is that, as much as I try to keep an open mind about these things, I close it on Sundays (and statutory holidays).

Sunday is God's biggest selling day, when He sends people out to convince everyone that He exists, while He hides in a bush, which is on fire, a fire that doesn't need to be put out, because the bush never burns, and then…blah blah blah.

My mind works a full week. It does not accept any new ideas on Sundays.

Helloooo Newman: Powered Water

Helloooo Newman: Powered Water: Does water need to drink 8 glasses of water a day? What if it runs out of water? It can't drink itself, can it? Why don't we ha...

Powered Water

Does water need to drink 8 glasses of water a day? What if it runs out of water? It can't drink itself, can it?

Why don't we have powered water?

It makes sense. You're lost in the dessert and you really need a drink, you pull out your powered water and just mix it with…

Oh crap.

I see the problem.

Helloooo Newman: Are You a Goer?

Helloooo Newman: Are You a Goer?: Why isn't it, "Go Leaves Go"?

Are You a Goer?

Why isn't it, "Go Leaves Go"?

Helloooo Newman: Out to Lunch

Helloooo Newman: Out to Lunch: Everyone says, "Paul, you are always out to lunch", and then I read that there's no such thing as a free lunch. I can&#39...

Out to Lunch

Everyone says, "Paul, you are always out to lunch", and then I read that there's no such thing as a free lunch.

I can't afford any more of these lunches.

Helloooo Newman: Cultural Appropriation

Helloooo Newman: Cultural Appropriation: Hmmmm…that would make a great blog! I'd love to try foods from various cultures, like Taco Bell, but I don't want to culturally...

Cultural Appropriation

Hmmmm…is diarrhea a good blog topic?

I'd love to try foods from various cultures, like Taco Bell, but I don't want to culturally appropriate explosive diarrhea.

Helloooo Newman: Think Tank

Helloooo Newman: Think Tank: I might join a think tank . I'm thinking about it, that is. Not one actually joins a think tank. One only thinks about it. If you...

Think Tank

I might join a think tank.

I'm thinking about it, that is. Not one actually joins a think tank. One only thinks about it.

If you actually join a think tank, you have surpassed thinking and are now "doing" something.

That would be a "do tank", and the last kind of tank I want to join is a tank that requires me to do things.

Does all the thinking have to be done in a tank? I'm not sure. Will everyone fit? Will there be air conditioning and snacks?

What kind of tank is it? A military tank would be cool. A gasoline tank not so much.

The idea of a think mattress sounds more enticing to me. All my best thinking is done on a mattress.

My wife is joining an overthink tank, because she overthinks everything. The hours are very long.

"Hey Bill, you know that thing we were thinking about yesterday? I went and did it."

"You actually did it? Get out of here. You're fired."

Helloooo Newman: Top Secret

Helloooo Newman: Top Secret: Donald Trump released highly classified information to the Russian government that he is a complete idiot.  He also revealed the s...

Top Secret

Donald Trump released highly classified information to the Russian government that he is a complete idiot. 

He also revealed the secret sources and methods used to discover this information, which included speaking to Mr. Trump, asking him questions and listening to his answers.

The ramifications are reverberating.

Helloooo Newman: The Ovaltine Office

Helloooo Newman: The Ovaltine Office: Trump and Russian agent ( I meant Ambassador ) Kislyak, chumming before sitting down to a nice cup of Ovaltine in the Oval office. Cod...

The Ovaltine Office

Trump and Russian agent (I meant Ambassador) Kislyak, chumming before sitting down to a nice cup of Ovaltine in the Oval office.

Code Name: Kislyak

Real Name: Kiss My Ass You Lackey

Agent Kiss My Ass smuggled listening devices in his goiter. Impossible to detect, hidden beneath successively smaller and smaller goiters, Russian doll style.

Who's the happy one in this photo?

Helloooo Newman: SIRI-US

Helloooo Newman: SIRI-US: Sometimes when my iPhone is in my pocket and it vibrates, I'm convinced it's SIRI flirting with me. It's getting SIRI betwe...

SIRI-US

Sometimes when my iPhone is in my pocket and it vibrates, I'm convinced it's SIRI flirting with me.

It's getting SIRI between us.

Helloooo Newman: Lavrovian

Helloooo Newman: Lavrovian: This guy? This guy is laughing at US ? The big Us as in U.S.? I don't think sooooooo. His first mistake in life was asking h...

Lavrovian

This guy?

This guy is laughing at US?

The big Us as in U.S.?

I don't think sooooooo.

His first mistake in life was asking his plastic surgeon to move his eyes closer together.

Did they mix up metric and imperial? Something went very wrong.

His brain: "Jesus man, I can't see a thing. What did you do out there?"

His second mistake is messing with Donald Trump.

Okay, that wasn't really a mistake. It was brilliant, actually.

Yet again, no one seems to be able to bring shame to the most shameful people on earth.

Helloooo Newman: Comedienne?

Helloooo Newman: Comedienne?: Let me out of this damn cave Do we really need a different word for a female comedian. Is a female doctor a doctorienne ? Painterien...

Comedienne?

Let me out of this damn cave

Do we really need a different word for a female comedian.

Is a female doctor a doctorienne? Painterienne?

SCENE
Comedy begins, millions of years ago, in a club called Prehysterical:

"C'est what? A woman wants to perform? What do we call her? She's not a comedian. She's a…a WOMAN."

"How did she get out of the cave?"

"I forgot to move the boulder in front of the opening. Great, now we have to think of a new word. It took me 6 months to come up with penis."

"What about Nuisance?"

"Kinda mean, but I like it."

Somehow they settled on comedienne. And history taught us that women can't be as funny as men.

Women like Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball, Whoopi Goldberg, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Ellen Degeneres, Gilda Radner, Betty White, Kate McKinnon, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Sarah Silverman, Jane Curtin, Maya Rudolph, Samantha Bee, Lily Tomlin, Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy (genius), Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, Madeline Kahn, Jane Lynch, Mary Tyler Moore, Cloris Leachman, Amy Schumer, Tracey Ullman, Catherine O'Hara, Vicki Lawrence, Bernadette Peters…

This is not in order of when men let them out of the cave to perform.

Not a funny comedian among them.

Shit. I meant comedienne.

Helloooo Newman: Timing Is Everything

Helloooo Newman: Timing Is Everything: I've been practicing my comedic timing. I can now tell a joke at 200 beats per minute. My goal is to tell a joke so fast, the human ...

Timing Is Everything

I've been practicing my comedic timing. I can now tell a joke at 200 beats per minute. My goal is to tell a joke so fast, the human ear can't perceive it. When you come to my really big shoe, you will get more jokes per hour than any other comedian.

Helloooo Newman: Sorry, I Can't Hear Your Question

Helloooo Newman: Sorry, I Can't Hear Your Question: President Trump's new White House press secretary

Sorry, I Can't Hear Your Question

President Trump's new White House press secretary

Helloooo Newman: Men's Book Club

Helloooo Newman: Men's Book Club: I'm super excited about men's book club next week. Our book is I Ain't Got Time To Bleed, by Jesse Ventura. Being a write...

Men's Book Club

I'm super excited about men's book club next week.

Our book is I Ain't Got Time To Bleed, by Jesse Ventura. Being a writer, I insist on grammatically correcting it to Do I Have Time To Bleed? No, and Arnie is a Pussy.

Imagine being bold enough to write about your manopause. Ironically, or maybe not, this is the time of Jesse's finest acting, before he was abducted by aliens and his brain replaced with an expired Brita filter.

Last week we critiqued the dictionary, which I felt was overwritten and in huge need of a quality editor. And that was only reading to the letter F. It's not just too wordy. It's too lettery.

In the summer we are studying Goop Clean Beauty by the one and only Gwyneth Paltrow. It's at my house and I'm just so not sure what kind of scented candles I'll choose.

My favourite so far has been The Unibomber Manifesto. Not an easy read, but worth the trouble, plus I was puke drunk when I read it.

Helloooo Newman: Spice of Lies

Helloooo Newman: Spice of Lies: Hmmmm. I wonder what lie I will sell today. I used to be a Warden at an all-lesbian prison with women who had pre-existing conditions, ...

Spice of Lies

Hmmmm. I wonder what lie I will sell today.

I used to be a Warden at an all-lesbian prison with women who had pre-existing conditions, such as being lesbian.

I was an underwear model for a while.

I cut my suit sleeves short so they won't get dirty when I shove my hand up the President's rectum, searching for the truth. Okay, that one's true.

You. In the rear. With a question?

Helloooo Newman: Bend Over Backwards

Helloooo Newman: Bend Over Backwards: Every day I'm grateful for not being in Cirque de Soleil. If I was, I wouldn't be able to employ one of my favourite phrases: Be...

Bend Over Backwards

Every day I'm grateful for not being in Cirque de Soleil. If I was, I wouldn't be able to employ one of my favourite phrases: Bend over backwards.

I use it on my wife all the time. "I bend over backwards cutting the lawn for this family." "I bend over backwards putting my own clothes away." "I bend over backwards eating the dinner you cook every day."

Drives her crazy, because there's no good comeback for my logic. I DO bend over backwards, and fuck — it hurts.

Now, if I were in Cirque de Soleil, bending over backwards would be a normal day for me. It wouldn't hurt. I would enjoy it. Please, give me a chore that requires me to bend over backwards. And swing on a rope.

Where would that leave me when I want to stump my wife with a solid argument? With my butt cheek in my mouth cheek, instead of my tongue.

Incidentally, I bend over backwards writing this blog.

You're Welcome.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: You know what I miss about rotary phones?  It was so easy to talk and do my nails at the same time.

Musings and Woes

You know what I miss about rotary phones? 

It was so easy to talk and do my nails at the same time.

Helloooo Newman: Welsher

Helloooo Newman: Welsher: I've translated my name into Welsh, and I would appreciate it if everyone called me by that name from now on: crwrcvmcynghanedawedld...

Welsher

I've translated my name into Welsh, and I would appreciate it if everyone called me by that name from now on:

crwrcvmcynghanedawedld

You can shorten it to crwrcvmcynghanedawedl if you want
(leaving out the last "d")

Diolch.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It's hard being just friends with myself because the sex thing always gets in the way.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It's hard being just friends with myself because the sex thing always gets in the way.

Musings and Woes

It's hard being just friends with myself because the sex thing always gets in the way.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: With all this rain, I'm skipping my 8 glasses of water today.

Musings and Woes

With all this rain, I'm skipping my 8 glasses of water today.

Helloooo Newman: For The Dogs

Helloooo Newman: For The Dogs: The best job in the world is dog walker. That's because your client, the dog, can't complain. Mom: Hey Rover, how was your wa...

For The Dogs

The best job in the world is dog walker. That's because your client, the dog, can't complain.

Owner: Hey Rover, how was your walk today with the pack?

Rover: Oh, I forgot to tell you. We didn't go to the park.

Owner: You didn't? What did you do?

Rover: We went to the dude's basement apartment.

Owner: What! Why?

Rover: Well, he was tired so we hung out on the guy's bed while he jacked-off to some show called Pretty Little Liars and ate cheesies.

Owner: That's disgusting. We're never going back to him again.

Rover: Actually it wasn't too bad. He has a water bed so Gus, Sadie and I bounced around like we were on the ocean. Not a bad show, either.

Owner: That's not what I pay him for.

Rover: Well, that's a good point. Whatever you think is best.

Never gonna happen.

Helloooo Newman: Airbnb

Helloooo Newman: Airbnb: I stayed at the Jane Eyre bnb last month. A novel concept, but way too much reading. I moved to the more adventurous Nike Air bnb . ...

Airbnb

I stayed at the Jane Eyre bnb last month. A novel concept, but way too much reading.

I moved to the more adventurous Nike Air bnb. Very comfortable, but with all that running around, I was exhausted.

Now I can stay on my own bnb. A relative left me his bnb, which I call Heir bnb.

Helloooo Newman: Sit, Peeve

Helloooo Newman: Sit, Peeve: I think my next dog's name will be Peeve.

Heel, Peeve

I think my next dog's name will be Peeve.

Helloooo Newman: Crying Track

Helloooo Newman: Crying Track: Why don't they have cry tracks in tv shows? They have laugh tracks. Why not cry tracks? The laugh track really helped me enjoy s...

Crying Track

Why don't they have cry tracks in tv shows?

They have laugh tracks. Why not cry tracks?

The laugh track really helped me enjoy shows like MASH properly. There's nothing as embarrassing as laughing out of sync. Or emitting the wrong kind of laugh.

That was a funny scene. Hmmm, what kind of laugh is appropriate? A chuckle, chortle, guffaw, giggle, a snigger or a snicker, a howl, the infamous LOL, ROFL, or maybe just a polite tee-hee?

Isn't laughing complicated?

They should put crying tracks in movies, too. That way, I know when and how hard to cry in a movie like The Notebook. That movie should have two crying tracks. One for the woman, who is upset about what's happening, and one for the man, who's upset about being made to sit through it.

Other good tracks include:
boredom track
restless track
snoozing track
confused track
more butter on my popcorn track