Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: What would you do if everything you knew to be true about a certain subject or activity was wrong? The way you were doing it, the basic prem...

Musings and Woes

What would you do if everything you knew to be true about a certain subject or activity was wrong? The way you were doing it, the basic premise and rules, everything! Wrong!

I would say fuck it and keep doing it my old way.





There is a new book out called Year of Yes. It's about a woman who actually said "YES" to everything for one year. A true story. I guess she likes Yes Man with Jim Carrey.

I was thinking of doing the same thing, but I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to it that fully. That's why I'm doing a year of saying "I'm not saying no."

I've got blisters on my eyes

Helloooo Newman: ? Book

Helloooo Newman: ? Book: I have a great idea for a social media service. Revolutionary, really. I've been testing a few different names: Holier-than-thou  ...

? Book

I have a great idea for a social media service. Revolutionary, really.

I've been testing a few different names:



Holier-than-thou BOOK

Your entire life has been lived the wrong way BOOK

You're not worthy BOOK

Do what this article says because I took the time to find it, I posted it and agree with it BOOK (this one might be a bit too long, but needs focus group testing)

Do what I say. I don't do it, but I say it so you should do it BOOK.

There's no truth but my truth BOOK

There's no truth but your truth, which is based on lies BOOK

Stop eating that BOOK

Start eating this BOOK

Look at what I just ate BOOK

Maybe I should read a book BOOK

I'll have another glass of whine BOOK

You are guilty of something BOOK

Chances are you or your ancestors have participated in genocide BOOK

Apologize BOOK

I'm angry BOOK

I don't care if you've survived this long without my advice, you need it now BOOK

Look at that mountain. Have you ever seen a mountain like that? BOOK

Pithy saying.jpg BOOK

Most of my friends don't know who the hell I am BOOK

"Friends" BOOK

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose BOOK (Canadian version)

Read my blog, you'll laugh BOOK (my favourite)




Oh shit. Some guy named Wahlberg, or is it Iceberg? Carlsberg? maybe it's Zuckerberg, already thought of it.

Helloooo Newman: Oscar Wilde and Crazy Night

Helloooo Newman: Oscar Wilde and Crazy Night: Are you gonna boycott the Oscars? This is really pressing on my mind. I'm not sure yet. So many of the films that I adore weren'...

Oscar Wilde and Crazy Night

Are you gonna boycott the Oscars?

This is really pressing on my mind.

I'm not sure yet. So many of the films that I adore weren't nominated, like any of the Three Stooges movies. Plus, I never watch the trashy show, so technically I can't boycott something I never subject myself to.

I wonder if all the poor countries in the world have made their decision on whether to boycott. Maybe we should wait and see what they say. Nothing like an empty stomach and no water to drink to put you in the Oscars mood, only to have it taken away because Hollywood is upset with itself.

I wonder how Chris Rock will handle the controversy. Aren't you just dying to know? He's so clever, and I'm sure his words will reverberate through history and far into the future, changing human nature as we know it. I also wonder if Chris can help me clean my guinea pig cage after the gig.

I was really hoping they would nominate the upcoming project between Woody Allen and Miley Cyrus. I know, it isn't made yet, it's not a movie, and they are both white. But the whole idea seems so fascinating to me. Woody Allen, Miley Cyrus, Donald Trump. Is the universe progressing as it should? I have no idea, but I have my doubts.

The whole race issue is touchy and very complicated, so I really can't cover it properly here.

But I will say something about a far more serious topic.

Why is it called BOYcott? Why not GIRLcott?

It's just not fair.

Helloooo Newman: Is God Dyslexic?

Helloooo Newman: Is God Dyslexic?: Is He? The more and more I think about it, this would explain a lot about our lot in life. Right from the get go, He got things backwards....

Helloooo Newman: Trump Logic in Reverse

Helloooo Newman: Trump Logic in Reverse: Everyone's favourite Donald had some more pearls of wisdom this week. Did you think I meant the duck? No, but close enough. Donald T...

Trump Logic in Reverse

Everyone's favourite Donald had some more pearls of wisdom this week.

Did you think I meant the duck? No, but close enough.

Donald Trump surmised that he could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot someone, presumably dead, and he still wouldn't lose voters.

I suspect he's right, and it would be an interesting test. I wouldn't be surprised if it actually happens.

A far more interesting test, however, would be to reverse this scenario.

What would happen if someone on 5th Avenue shot Mr. Trump. Would he lose voters?

Of course not. In fact, 100% of everybody would love Mr. Trump.

His supporters would love him because he wasn't able to become President, and his detractors would love him because he wasn't able to become President.

Helloooo Newman: The Diagnosis is Bad. The Prognosis, Worse

Helloooo Newman: The Diagnosis is Bad. The Prognosis, Worse: Well folks, your favourite writer has been diagnosed with a serious malady. I, too, have a serious malady. It's called iPhone power ...

The Diagnosis is Bad. The Prognosis, Worse

Well folks, your favourite writer has been diagnosed with a serious malady.

I, too, have a serious malady.

It's called iPhone power drainage syndrome.

This is the fear that your iPhone will drain itself of power while it's still in use. God forbid it gets to ZERO. That's the endgame. Life at FULL STOP.

As the power drains, so goes my self esteem, my will to live, my identity, my colour and charm. ME.

I have it bad. It kicks in at around 85%. 85%!!!

I'm as surprised as you are. I'm not glued to my iPhone like some nefarious teen, except to communicate when absolutely necessary (my daughter is in jail) or to write some of my world famous blogs.

You'd think this malady would express itself in a much more serious situation, like having an erection or using the remote.

WOW. What a whopper of an erection, but how long will it last? Should I stop thinking about Danny DeVito in a wine-coloured Versace dress with fishnets? Get it over with before it's too late.

Shit, Ice Road Truckers is on and the remote is dying. I'll have to read.

Part of the problem is the little batter icon that Apple includes on your phone. It's constantly telling you the bad news – "Hello Dave, there's a 20% chance your phone will fail in 15 minutes, you loser."

If anything, I could use that little battery icon on my erection. Coloured red, of course. Insert penis, withdraw, check battery icon. Repeat. 30 seconds left. Yaaahhhh, loads of time. Damn handy.

How would I re-power it? The only thing I can think of is the cigarette lighter-shaped charger in the car. Too small!

The prognosis is grim.

"Oh God, I wonder what image he'll use for this blog?"

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Why do youths in Asia want to kill me? I hear all this talk in Canada about Youth-in-Asia and how, when I'm ready to die, they can help ...

Musings and Woes

Why do youths in Asia want to kill me? I hear all this talk in Canada about Youth-in-Asia and how, when I'm ready to die, they can help me "succeed". I'm sorry, but I'll die by my own hands, thank you very much. And it won't be with any help from a bunch of teenagers on crack and liquid nails.

When I'm good and ready, my hands will drive me to the cottage and continually stuff myself with spare rib meat, chicken meat, sausage meat, beef meat, lamb meat, veggie meat, deer meat, beer meat, tree meat, and an assortment of Tofurky deli meats, until my body stops functioning.

Wait a minute – I've done that already. Well, I'll think of something else.

In the meantime, I think the youths in Asia should learn to respect their elders.

hands off the pine box, youths

Helloooo Newman: The Apprenticeship of God

Helloooo Newman: The Apprenticeship of God: Mr. Donald Trump completed his employee performance reviews today. They were mostly positive but, given his fustian manner, he most certai...

The Apprenticeship of God

Mr. Donald Trump completed his employee performance reviews today.

They were mostly positive but, given his fustian manner, he most certainly had some "tips" (known as "threats" in the company) for improvement.

Helloooo Newman got a hold of the review for perhaps his most controversial employee - God.

One can assume that in Mr. Trump's mind, God is doing a fine job overall, or he wouldn't have declared that "I have a really great relationship with God."

In the video he released of God's review, you could feel a very tangible relief on God's face, since He thought a layoff was imminent. God has no form, so you can't actually see Him in the video, but I assume He probably looks similar to His son. Picture the shroud with a smiley face.

God loves working for Mr. Trump, partly because, as Mr. Trump has said, the Bible is his favourite book. He loves both Testaments equally but tends to stick to the New Testament because it's much shorter.

God took it as an oversight that Mr. Trump seemed to be using an 8x10 of Paula Jones, one of Bill Clinton's many lovers, as a Bible bookmark. God also thought, "wow, she's not even that hot."

Beside that book was another book entitled Gods of New York.

Despite these mutually cozy feelings, Mr. Trump had a number of complaints.

God doesn't take instruction well. Mr. Trump specifically told Him to build a "big wall" around Heaven with a "big, shiny door", not a chain link fence with gates. Any old loser can climb the fence and the gates are left open half the time. Until the wall is built, please electrify the fence.

Mr. Trump was happy, however, that the number of Mexicans accepted into Heaven was decreasing, God finally closed the last Taco Bell a week ago, and Mr. Putin had a big spot in Heaven, near the Black Holy See, waiting for him.

In the end, poor God was left with more work to do and less pay. Mr. Trump increased God's fringe benefits. God was now allowed to keep busy overseeing more natural disasters and pandemics as long as they occurred in countries that were stealing jobs from America.

God wondered what Mr. Trump's plans were after being President. He will run the universe, he replied. "I'm really strong with universes. I'll make this universe great again."

God wondered if there was a place for Him in this new universe. Could He, perhaps, run it while Mr. Trump was getting his haircut?

"Well, that depends on where you were born."

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I'm burning all my bridges onto a cd. Just in case I burn all my bridges in life. I have a backup. Smart. Copenhagen Harbour Br...

Musings and Woes

I'm burning all my bridges onto a cd.

Just in case I burn all my bridges in life.

I have a backup.

Smart.

Copenhagen Harbour Bridge

Helloooo Newman: Oscar de la Rant

Helloooo Newman: Oscar de la Rant: Another all-white Oscars. Unbelievable. I can't believe, once again, no one who is gluten-free or has Celiac disease was nominated. At...

Oscar de la Rant

Another all-white Oscars. Unbelievable.

I can't believe, once again, no one who is gluten-free or has Celiac disease was nominated. Atrocious.

Did you hear three nominees for best actress DON'T start their day with a bee pollen shake?

Why aren't more movies starring endangered African animals nominated?

Not one nominee this year took xylophone lessons as a kid. What an oversight.

Why wasn't MY favourite movie nominated?

I just may not watch this year.

Helloooo Newman: Chip Off the Old Block

Helloooo Newman: Chip Off the Old Block: I'm always looking for signs of the Almighty in my life. Oh sorry, did you think I meant my wife? I was confused for a minute there to...

Chip Off the Old Block

I'm always looking for signs of the Almighty in my life.

Oh sorry, did you think I meant my wife? I was confused for a minute there too. Yes, I'm completely wary of her wrath as well.

I meant Him, with a capital "H". God. The "First String" guy. The G-string.

Speaking of capital "H", look what I found in a common bag of potato chips…

Not so common. This happens to be the first letter of my last name. Branded into the chip. Clear as the Resurrection. From the Man himself, of course.

I call it "stigmata on a Miss Vickie's". Lightly sprinkled with sea salt too.

Still don't get the sign? What He's saying is I'm a chip off the old block, the old block being the old man in the sky, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the Chip of Chips.

I'm so glad it wasn't a Lay's. Blehggew.

The timing was perfect. It arrived in my chip bag at Christmas. Christmas is when I get really depressed, and when my body engorges itself with loads of junk food to compensate. When I saw this glorious chip, well, I couldn’t munch no more. Being so sacred and all.

I’ve been waiting for this sign a long time. I kept checking everything – beer suds, pizza crusts, the ring around my toilet bowl. I knew it could show up anywhere. Appearing on a kettle-cooked treat is just a big, somewhat healthier, bonus from the Big Guy.

Don’t think for a minute I’m not aware of my salty companion's symbolism. Upon the first bite, it snaps in two, then into many smaller pieces, and finally into Miss Vicky’s mulch in your mouth, all representing the transitory and frail nature of being. One minute you are lying on a St. Kitt’s beach and life is going swimmingly when suddenly God snaps your body in two and turns you into a masticated memory via an encroaching tsunami.

I like to imagine Oprah found a similar chip, with a big “O” on it, underneath the pillow of her Fendi Casa sofa, after a particularly rowdy book party. I know, it’s hard to accept that one of her 26 cleaning ladies wouldn’t find it, but keep in mind it was sent by the UPS of the universe.

That chip inspired Oprah to start “O” magazine, as she finally became God’s chief rep here on earth. I will start “H” magazine, gobble up “O” and call it “HO” magazine. HOly magazine? Just an idea.

This is why I must protect my chip. Chip safe. I am safe. Like Nigel’s valued guitar in Spinal Tap, no one can look at my chip, except for this one glorious beholding.

So I’m the G-man’s rep as well. What now? I guess I better start acting the part.

I’ll start by disappearing, not taking any responsibility for what I create, and promising, promising, promising.

The question is, will I give into temptation? Will I eat my tasty portender?

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I kept putting money in the bank machine, like a maniac. Deposit after deposit after deposit. Then I stopped, suddenly! Soon after, I we...

Musings and Woes

I kept putting money in the bank machine, like a maniac. Deposit after deposit after deposit.

Then I stopped, suddenly!

Soon after, I went into deposit withdrawal.

Now I'm broke.

Helloooo Newman: Border Security: Empty Stomach, USA

Helloooo Newman: Border Security: Empty Stomach, USA: I'm implementing a new diet and nutrition plan this year. It differs from all other diets in that it uses obfuscation, misdirection a...

Border Security: Empty Stomach, USA

I'm implementing a new diet and nutrition plan this year. It differs from all other diets in that it uses obfuscation, misdirection and outright lying, things that have always worked for me in the past.

It's based on a simple question – how smart is the stomach? Can it be easily fooled? Can I sneak in a little extra fat, maybe a strip of bacon or some chicken popcorn, if it's masked by a heavy onslaught of super-healthy bee pollen, amino 3 fatty acids, the entire alphabet of vitamins and some Go-Gurt? Okay, that's three questions, but aren't they simple?

Under cover fast food. Will the stomach notice the illicit goods? Or will I get away with it calorie-free?

You already know the eating process is like cross-border shopping or arriving at airport customs. There's a big search before the food is allowed to enter the stomach. Will you get caught with the bad stuff?

It goes something like this…

Stomach: Welcome to Empty Stomach, USA. Anything to declare?

Food: Yes we do, officer. We have a skinless, boneless, free range, antibiotic-free, Montessori-schooled chicken breast with plaque-free artichoke hearts beating a very healthy 52 beats/minute, quinoa salad found meditating in the Peruvian mountains and pink Himalayan sea salt dissolved in coconut water.

Stomach: Did you pack this food yourself?

Food: Yahuh.

Stomach: Let's see the meat. What's this? Bacon stuffed in the chicken?

Food: Oh, that's not mine.

Stomach: Wow, I've never heard that before. What's underneath that quinoa? Is that a…no! That's a ding dong.

Food: Um, ding dong the witch is dea…how did that get there?

Stomach: Listen, if it were up to me I would let it all in. I love pork bellies. But I have the brain quoting Wheat Belly to me all day, the blood is under a ton of pressure and the colon…oh, the colon. "See how you feel if I don't give a crap", he says. Colon the kill-joy.

Food: Is there another stomach we can use?

Stomach: Am I a cow? Hey, do you play poker?

Food: Sure I do.

Stomach: I see your hand and raise you a plate of broccoli and snow peas, for lunch tomorrow.

Food: Ohhhh, I get it. Are cream puffs wild?

Stomach: I'm a stomach, not a pussy.

Food: Okay. I see your broccoli/snow peas and raise you a deep fried banana split, on Thursday.

Stomach: Hmmm. Any nuts on it? Maybe the pistachio, the most slimming of all nuts?

Food: Ya. And extra chocolate sauce.

Stomach: Alright. Go on through.

Brain: NOW STOMACH. ARE WE DOING OUR JOB?

Stomach: Brain, brain, brain. The stomach wants what the stomach wants.

Helloooo Newman: Strip Tease

Helloooo Newman: Strip Tease: Oh, to enjoy a good strip tease.

Strip Tease

Oh, to enjoy a good strip tease.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I went to buy batteries and the cashier said I can't buy batteries because they are sold separately. Without batteries I feel even m...

Musings and Woes

I went to buy batteries and the package was empty. It said batteries were sold separately.



Resolution for 2016: Sometimes you have to lie to tell the truth.