Frozen Yoga

Does everyone on the planet do yoga now? Everyone but me?

Seems like it. Even Newman who, obviously, has mastered the downward dog. Let's make that the downward puppy, since he still chews nails, kleenex, anything he can find, really.

I suppose on a day like today, at minus 20 and a wind chill that brings it down to a testicle-crunching minus 300, hot yoga would be a good choice. There must be many people in North America clamouring for hot yoga right now.

Well, I don't want to do hot yoga. Why? Precisely because everyone is doing it. If a particular activity attracts everyone, it necessarily repels me.

So I need an alternative.

Consider this, as well. What of summer? And global warming? Things are getting hotter, aren't they? Will hot yoga still be in demand 100 years from now?

I propose frozen yoga. I've already tried it and it works.

And it's hip, because no one does it…yet.

I don't quite have the proper facilities worked out yet, so I held my first class in a meat freezer at Canada Packers.

It's based on a very simple equation – calories in, calories out. This way you are exactly the same person at the end of the class as you were when you started. Because you don't need to change. You are perfect in the eyes of the Lord.

My personal favourite of the poses is the downward facing hog. You slope down to the floor and awaiting you is a pound of cooked bacon to be consumed. Easy to arrange because you're in a meat freezer.

But not always easy to accomplish. Many students could not finish the bacon. Okay, it was their first time.

Another great one is the extended side ribs angle pose. I have to rework this one because it caused a few injuries. Several careless students slipped on some errant bbq sauce.

I think the most difficult pose was the chicken legs up the wall. The wall became very slippery with grease and difficult to climb. Knew I should have trimmed some of the chicken skin off.

Afterwards I took the class out for frozen yogurt. I'm not sure why. I think because one class member yelled out, "I love frozen yoga", but I heard "frozen yogurt".