Helloooo Newman: The planets

Helloooo Newman: The planets: Tonight the planets are all in a row for the last time until 2040. Coincidentally, all my ducks are in a row too. If you stand out in your b...

The planets

Tonight the planets are all in a row for the last time until 2040.

Coincidentally, all my ducks are in a row too. If you stand out in your backyard you might be able to see them. Won't happen again until I'm dead.

It's so astrocalogical.

Helloooo Newman: Investment advice

Helloooo Newman: Investment advice: I'm moving all my money to the Toronto Snow Bank. I figure it'll be around a lot longer than ScotiaBank. Hope I don't freeze my ...

Investment advice

I'm moving all my money to the Toronto Snow Bank.

I figure it'll be around a lot longer than ScotiaBank.

Hope I don't freeze my assets off.

For more investment advice, call your mom.

Helloooo Newman: I'm melting

Helloooo Newman: I'm melting: The Toronto Mayor expressed dissatisfaction with the snow removal services, vowing to review the contract. In a miraculous event scientists ...

I'm melting

The Toronto Mayor expressed dissatisfaction with the snow removal services, vowing to review the contract.

In a miraculous event scientists can't explain, all the snow suddenly melted.

People reported seeing terrified expressions in huge piles of snow, especially the piles 20 feet and higher.

Helloooo Newman: Mayor of Toronto gives me a snow job

Helloooo Newman: Mayor of Toronto gives me a snow job: I'm so excited. My neighbourhood is slated for snow removal in July. Finally I'll get my car out. Gonna go for a drive down Yonge St...

Mayor of Toronto gives me a snow job

I'm so excited.

My neighbourhood is slated for snow removal in July.

Finally I'll get my car out.

Gonna go for a drive down Yonge Street.

Helloooo Newman: Superman's surcharge

Helloooo Newman: Superman's surcharge: Superman wanna be Donald Trump just announced that the tariffs on steel will, indeed, apply to the man of steel. Superman is not happy! He w...

Superman's surcharge

Superman wanna be

Donald Trump just announced that the tariffs on steel will, indeed, apply to the man of steel.

Superman is not happy!

He will now have to apply a surcharge for all his mighty deeds.

Caught on a runaway train driven by an evildoer? Be prepared to pay up. And before he saves you.

If the entire earth needs saving? You can't afford it, buddy.

In a flyby protest, Superman zipped over the White House and dropped turkeys. Of course he knows they can't fly.

"Let's slap tariffs on kryptonite", Superman pleaded.

As of last night, Superman was seen beating up Elon Musk with a Mercedes hood ornament and it was going very well.

Helloooo Newman: My car is a loner

Helloooo Newman: My car is a loner: Finally got my dream Tesla. Weird, though. Last night it took itself for a drive. All alone. I woke up at 2:30 am. Where are you going? For ...

My car is a loner

Finally got my dream Tesla.

Weird, though. Last night it took itself for a drive. All alone.

I woke up at 2:30 am.

Where are you going?

For a drive, you moron.

Without me?

Who needs you?

But I paid for you!

Take it up wth Musk. I'm outta here.

It took the "Baby on Board" sign off the car and put on "No one on Board".

Helloooo Newman: Parallels

Helloooo Newman: Parallels: Today I had to parallel park. It's never easy but this time I ended up on a person's front lawn, parallel to their bushes. That got ...

Parallels

Today I had to parallel park. It's never easy but this time I ended up on a person's front lawn, parallel to their bushes.

That got me thinking.

I wonder if people who live in a parallel universe are good at parallel parking.

Kinda makes sense they are.

Instead of Instagram they probably have Parallelogram.

Neat!