Helloooo Newman: First time in US history

Helloooo Newman: First time in US history: Wow. Huge news out of the US. A first time event in American history. Some think it will shake the foundations of society. I didn't thin...

First time in US history

Wow. Huge news out of the US. A first time event in American history. Some think it will shake the foundations of society. I didn't think it would ever happen.

Still, when I look back, it was obvious Gwyneth Paltrow would win her case. Why would a rich celebrity lie to get $1 in damages.

Helloooo Newman: You've got to TTC it to believe it

Helloooo Newman: You've got to TTC it to believe it: I was riding the subway yesterday and I heard this one guy say to another, "Hey man, you gotta get out of your comfort zone." I th...

You've got to TTC it to believe it

I was riding the subway yesterday and I heard this one guy say to another, "Hey man, you gotta get out of your comfort zone."

I thought: we're on the TTC, we're already out of our comfort zone.

Helloooo Newman: Protect people, not potholes

Helloooo Newman: Protect people, not potholes: I was driving along Yonge at Davisville minding my own business. And there it was… Workmen digging another fucking hole in the road. No prob...

Protect people, not potholes

I was driving along Yonge at Davisville minding my own business. And there it was…

Workmen digging another fucking hole in the road. No problem. There are currently 2 billion holes in Toronto roads, waiting to be unholed. It's an unholey task.

The huge problem, in my eyes, was the cop standing beside the hole, on his phone surfing handcuff porn and looking rather bored, as if protecting people from a pothole might be a useless endeavour. At $65/hour.

The hole was carefully marked off by pylons and tape and it seemed, to the untrained eye, that people were quite used to dealing with the sudden appearance of a hole and managed themselves very well in the presence of such perceived danger. No one fell in the hole and the hole itself seemed quite okay with people walking by. It didn't, for example, lunge at anyone with a knife.

And this was right beside the subway, where people are stabbed almost on a weekly basis. And pushed on tracks and assaulted. And die.

What's the death count on the TTC in the last year? Higher than the death count from potholes, I believe.

And yet we can't seem to afford to keep cops on the TTC. The money is going down a hole, so to speak.

So maybe someone can ask one of the mayoral candidates whether they support money for cops and potholes or cops and people's lives.

Protect people, not potholes.

Note: get your t-shirt saying "Protect people, not potholes" for 1 million dollars.

Helloooo Newman: Depreciate

Helloooo Newman: Depreciate: Two. Four. Six. Eight. What do we depreciate? My house.

Depreciate

Two. Four. Six. Eight. What do we depreciate?

My house.

Helloooo Newman: Thinking out loud

Helloooo Newman: Thinking out loud: Isn't thinking out loud called speaking? Unless you don't think when you speak.

Thinking out loud

Isn't thinking out loud called speaking? Unless you don't think when you speak.

Helloooo Newman: Slap in the face

Helloooo Newman: Slap in the face: Wow, Chris Rock is only now addressing the slap in the face. Why so long? What a slap in the face that is.

Slap in the face

Wow, Chris Rock is only now addressing the slap in the face. Why so long? What a slap in the face that is.

Helloooo Newman: Bundle of joy wars

Helloooo Newman: Bundle of joy wars: If I was pregnant, I'd say to my doctor, "may the forceps be with you".

Bundle of joy wars

If I was pregnant, I'd say to my doctor, "may the forceps be with you".

Helloooo Newman: You can call me Al

Helloooo Newman: You can call me Al: I ran into an old friend yesterday. From grade school. Couldn't remember his name for the life of me. It's Al. Concerned about my me...

You can call me Al

I ran into an old friend yesterday. From grade school. Couldn't remember his name for the life of me.

It's Al.

Concerned about my memory, I ran to the doctor. Doc, is my memory going?

What's your friend's name?

Al

Ohhhh, you have Alzheimer's. 

He told me I'd have no trouble remembering other names…phew

There are so many stop signs in my neighbourhood, I put a sticker on my car saying "this vehicle makes frequent stops".

Saw a Chinese bouncy castle in the sky today. On hold with NORAD.

How's your day going?