Helloooo Newman: Prison, Hollywood Style: Harvey Weinstein has wisely hired a prison consultant. This consultant will explain to Harv that certain cinematic terms he is use to he...
HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Thursday, 27 February 2020
Prison, Hollywood Style
Harvey Weinstein has wisely hired a prison consultant. This consultant will explain to Harv that certain cinematic terms he is use to hearing will have slightly different meanings.
Climax – you'll probably be too nervous to achieve this, but other inmates certainly will
Best boy – this will be your best boyfriend
Back story – the story you'll tell the doctor after weeks of anal sex
Bit parts – inmate's description of your nether region
Casting couch – will now be a casting bunk, or casting shower
Deadpan – with the shape you're in, this will be a bed pan
Foil – the drug packaging other inmates will ask you to stick up your ass
Gross – the food, the conditions, your life
Grindhouse film – self-explanatory
Juxtaposition – the favourite sexual position of death row inmates
Oscar bait – will now be jail bait
Sleeper – something you will never do
Tour de force – as you tour the prison you will be forced to have sex
Good luck!
Wednesday, 26 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Tommy
Helloooo Newman: Tommy: This is Sammy and Angus. They are old. Combined, in human years, they are about 300, still younger than Keith Richards, and a lot bette...
Tommy
This is Sammy and Angus.
They are old. Combined, in human years, they are about 300, still younger than Keith Richards, and a lot better looking.
Angus, on the left, is blind. Sammy is deaf. Next weekend we are performing the rock opera Tommy to a live audience.
That's right. I'm the dumb one.
Just a few kinks to work out on the show, like not pooing during the pinball scene.
If you come to the show and you order popcorn, just make sure that really is butter on it.
Thursday, 20 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Enterprise
Helloooo Newman: Enterprise: The most fun part of being on the starship Enterprise is that when you're riding the turbo lift and you stop at a floor where people are...
Enterprise
The most fun part of being on the starship Enterprise is that when you're riding the turbo lift and you stop at a floor where people are waiting, you can say, "Going sideways".
Friday, 14 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Breakfast Television
Helloooo Newman: Breakfast Television: Man's understanding of our species' history, what we call archeology, has increased significantly in the last 50 years. We know th...
Breakfast Television
Man's understanding of our species' history, what we call archeology, has increased significantly in the last 50 years.
We know that early Man had to survive astoundingly bad conditions as they roamed the earth, including ice ages, floods, disease and a Mastodon horn through the groin as they hunted for scarce food. We are still learning how they managed to get from Africa to Europe and then North America.
Still, there are many fascinating and unanswered questions.
One of those nagging questions? How did early Man survive the death-inducing cold temperatures and 2-mile thick ice sheets that came with ice ages, all without the benefit of tips to keep warm by shows like Breakfast Television.
Did they have Cave Television?
Why, just today was a bone-chilling -20, and I survived because I overheard some of those handy tips on staying warm when it's cold, while ironing my long underwear.
Lots of warm clothing was at the top of the list. Layering. You know what? It works! But for some reason this slips my mind every year.
Staying inside is a big one too. That's a multi-step process. You have to get an education so that you get a job, which gives you money so you can afford a place that can be heated, and you have to pay for the heat. Again, this works very well for keeping warm.
There's nothing like heat for staying warm.
They missed a few, though. Spending your day on a subway grate does wonders for survival. Getting into a heated arguments is great, especially if you win the argument. And there's always those warm thoughts.
Canada today is the great nation it is because of these tips for keeping warm.
Keep up the important work, Breakfast Television.
We know that early Man had to survive astoundingly bad conditions as they roamed the earth, including ice ages, floods, disease and a Mastodon horn through the groin as they hunted for scarce food. We are still learning how they managed to get from Africa to Europe and then North America.
Still, there are many fascinating and unanswered questions.
One of those nagging questions? How did early Man survive the death-inducing cold temperatures and 2-mile thick ice sheets that came with ice ages, all without the benefit of tips to keep warm by shows like Breakfast Television.
Did they have Cave Television?
Why, just today was a bone-chilling -20, and I survived because I overheard some of those handy tips on staying warm when it's cold, while ironing my long underwear.
Lots of warm clothing was at the top of the list. Layering. You know what? It works! But for some reason this slips my mind every year.
Staying inside is a big one too. That's a multi-step process. You have to get an education so that you get a job, which gives you money so you can afford a place that can be heated, and you have to pay for the heat. Again, this works very well for keeping warm.
There's nothing like heat for staying warm.
They missed a few, though. Spending your day on a subway grate does wonders for survival. Getting into a heated arguments is great, especially if you win the argument. And there's always those warm thoughts.
Canada today is the great nation it is because of these tips for keeping warm.
Keep up the important work, Breakfast Television.
Monday, 10 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Bess In Show
Helloooo Newman: Bess In Show: This is Bess , who we board quite often. She is a rescue from Greece, although I've been to Greece and I'm not sure why any dog w...
Bess In Show
This is Bess, who we board quite often. She is a rescue from Greece, although I've been to Greece and I'm not sure why any dog would want to leave that place. Gorgeous weather 24/7, don't pay any taxes – who needs that? I call it a dognapping, not a rescue.
Anyway, we board Bess for two reasons. Her owners go away occasionally, and she has a nasty coke habit that we're trying to coach her through. Here we caught her doing lines on our nice rug. Obviously she practices her "who me?" innocent face as often as she can. She lost half the coke in the rug fibers. Dumb dog. I told her to use the floor next time.
I'm currently sifting through the vacuum bag to find the coke so I can sell it.
She's an ex-drug sniffing dog and apparently I constantly have drugs in my crotch and up my butt.
She hopes to win Bess in Show some day – drug-free
Thursday, 6 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Weather Drama
Helloooo Newman: Weather Drama: The Weather Network is no longer in the business of reporting the weather. It now creates weather drama shows, in hopes of more people click...
Weather Drama
The Weather Network is no longer in the business of reporting the weather. It now creates weather drama shows, in hopes of more people clicking on their site.
Hence the headline I read last week: Over half the Canadian population under storm threat.
So now we are counting the number of people affected by weather, and it's a big number. And shouldn't we define the word "threat"? What kind of threat? Does it threaten their travel time to Starbucks? Does it scuff their dress shoes or get them wet? Will my Netflix go down?
Here are some other bold headlines I suggest they use:
Over 10 trillion snowflakes will fall in a 24-hour period.
This weekend's rain storm will require 100 billion Bounty paper towel rolls to absorb. Bounty, the quicker picker-upper. (product placement here - $$$)
Lightning storm will produce enough power to drive 100,000 Tesla's from here to the moon and back 100 times, on auto drive, which screws up and you die in an accident.
This week, 100% of the Canadian population are under weather. And under the weather. Call in sick.
Hence the headline I read last week: Over half the Canadian population under storm threat.
So now we are counting the number of people affected by weather, and it's a big number. And shouldn't we define the word "threat"? What kind of threat? Does it threaten their travel time to Starbucks? Does it scuff their dress shoes or get them wet? Will my Netflix go down?
Here are some other bold headlines I suggest they use:
Over 10 trillion snowflakes will fall in a 24-hour period.
This weekend's rain storm will require 100 billion Bounty paper towel rolls to absorb. Bounty, the quicker picker-upper. (product placement here - $$$)
Lightning storm will produce enough power to drive 100,000 Tesla's from here to the moon and back 100 times, on auto drive, which screws up and you die in an accident.
This week, 100% of the Canadian population are under weather. And under the weather. Call in sick.
Wednesday, 5 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Afterlife Insurance
Helloooo Newman: Afterlife Insurance: I bought afterlife insurance. In case I don't get into Heaven, it pays for a nice room in Hell with a view of the burning lava field and...
Afterlife Insurance
I bought afterlife insurance. In case I don't get into Heaven, it pays for a nice room in Hell with a view of the burning lava field and 3 very hot meals a day.
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