Helloooo Newman: Peak Stupidity

Helloooo Newman: Peak Stupidity: When I heard there's a lineup to climb Mount Everest and 11 people have died waiting to get to the top, I thought to myself, you know...

Peak Stupidity

When I heard there's a lineup to climb Mount Everest and 11 people have died waiting to get to the top, I thought to myself, you know what, waiting to get my licence renewed seems like a really good time. I'm kind of excited about renewing my health card, compared to dying at 29,000 feet. I might even join the long line for a women's washroom, just for the fun of it.

Forget peak oil. We've reached peak stupidity.

Helloooo Newman: Lifting the Leg

Helloooo Newman: Lifting the Leg: In light of the Season 8 disaster, GOT fans refuse to bend the knee and will now lift the leg.

Lifting the Leg

In light of the Season 8 disaster, GOT fans refuse to bend the knee and will now lift the leg.

Helloooo Newman: GOT to Have a New Ending

Helloooo Newman: GOT to Have a New Ending: Well, I finished GOT. And I'm more convinced than ever that Romeo and Juliet needs a new ending. Please sign my petition to get Bill to ...

GOT to Have a New Ending

Well, I finished GOT. And I'm more convinced than ever that Romeo and Juliet needs a new ending. Please sign my petition to get Bill to wrote a new ending for R&J.

Helloooo Newman: Valyrian Soother

Helloooo Newman: Valyrian Soother: Stark-Lannister Toy Company introduces the Valyrian Soother. Made of top-grade valyrian steel and a dragon glass handle, this soother i...

Valyrian Soother

Stark-Lannister Toy Company introduces the Valyrian Soother.

Made of top-grade valyrian steel with a dragon glass handle, this soother is ideal for comforting all the infant GOT fans who are waiting desperately for Season 8 to be redone to their liking.

Yes, the Seven Kingdoms are a monarchy, but the making of GOT is a democracy, and the fans have voted for a new GOT that's more pleasing than the old GOT.

The Valyrian Soother is guaranteed to last until a new season is filmed for each fan, comprising 13.6 million different shows.

Free delivery from Westeros by a dead person. Only gold accepted as payment.

Helloooo Newman: Vital Organs or Good TV

Helloooo Newman: Vital Organs or Good TV: I put my name on a list for a new kidney. Then I realized I already have my name on the petition to redo GOT season 8. Can my name be on t...

Vital Organs or Good TV

I put my name on a list for a new kidney. Then I realized I already have my name on the petition to redo GOT season 8.

Can my name be on two lists? If not, do I really need a new kidney to enjoy life?

Helloooo Newman: Game of Droning On and On About Thrones

Helloooo Newman: Game of Droning On and On About Thrones: Did you hate the last episode of GOT? I did. I'm absolutely sure once I see it I'll hate it even more.

Game of Droning On and On About Thrones

Did you hate the last episode of GOT?

I did.

I'm absolutely sure once I see it I'll hate it even more.

Helloooo Newman: 7-Eleven

Helloooo Newman: 7-Eleven: 7 Eleven

7-Eleven Heroes

7

Eleven

Helloooo Newman: Beyoncé

Helloooo Newman: Beyoncé: I would propose to Beyoncé just so I could say Beyoncé is my fiancé.

Beyoncé

I would propose to Beyoncé just so I could say Beyoncé is my fiancé.

And for the prenup, of course.

Helloooo Newman: Fetch Your Shtick

Helloooo Newman: Fetch Your Shtick: Newman wants to be a standup comedian so instead of saying "fetch your stick" I say "fetch your shtick."

Fetch Your Shtick

Newman wants to be a standup comedian so instead of saying "fetch your stick" I say "fetch your shtick."

Helloooo Newman: Enjoy your Funeral

Helloooo Newman: Enjoy your Funeral: A new study found that two cups of coffee a day helps you live longer. The downside is even when you do die, you'll still be awake for y...

Enjoy your Funeral

A new study found that two cups of coffee a day helps you live longer. The downside is even when you do die, you'll still be awake for your funeral.

Helloooo Newman: Impossible Whopper

Helloooo Newman: Impossible Whopper: I tried Burger King's Impossible meatless Whopper. It was delicious. Here's some advice on enjoying it properly. When you add the ...

Impossible Whopper

I tried Burger King's Impossible meatless Whopper. It was delicious. Here's some advice on enjoying it properly.

When you add the bacon, pulled pork and beef drippings to it, wait a bit. You'll want the disgusting patty to have time to absorb the wonderful meat flavour.

Enjoy!

Helloooo Newman: Royal Baby Vomit

Helloooo Newman: Royal Baby Vomit: Seeing all the coverage of the new Royal Baby makes me want to vomit like a little baby. Too bad my vomit isn't Royal Baby vomit. ...

Puking for the Prince

Seeing all the coverage of the new Royal Baby makes me want to vomit like a little baby. Maybe even poop my diapers.

Too bad my vomit/poop isn't Royal Baby vomit/poop.

Of course, he's only 7th in line to the crown. I was once 3rd in line to coach my daughters soccer team when she was 6. Little buggers couldn't play worth shit, so I took my name out of the running. Best decision I've ever made.

Oops. Some spittle coming.

Helloooo Newman: New Species

Helloooo Newman: New Species: Scientists have discovered a new species they call Homo Anus . Homo Anus was a very bright species that created their own spoken language,...

New Species

Scientists have discovered a new species they call Homo Anus.

Homo Anus was a very bright species that created their own spoken language, emitted entirely out of their assholes. A widespread epidemic of hemorrhoids killed Homo Anus off around 10 million years ago, long before the invention of Preparation H.

Fragments of Homo Anus DNA can be found in any Homo Sapien that runs for political office and wins.

Helloooo Newman: You're Getting Younger

Helloooo Newman: You're Getting Younger: Cosmologists have discovered that the universe is a billion years younger than previously thought. So why do I look so old? It's also...

You're Getting Younger

Cosmologists have discovered that the universe is a billion years younger than previously thought. So why do I look so old?

It's also expanding faster than previously thought. That explains my stomach. But why the jowls?