Helloooo Newman: Halloween The Conway Way

Helloooo Newman: Halloween The Conway Way: Kellyanne Conway's kids have decided to go for the real horror this Halloween and wear their mommy masks.

Halloween The Conway Way

Kellyanne Conway's kids have decided to go for the real horror this Halloween and wear their mommy masks.

Helloooo Newman: Fruits and Veggies

Helloooo Newman: Fruits and Veggies: A new study, more important than any previous study, has concluded that there are not enough fruits and vegetables for everyone on the plane...

Fruits and Veggies

A new study, more important than any previous study, has concluded that there are not enough fruits and vegetables for everyone on the planet. This is not a dire situation, they said, since only about 9 people in North America eat fruits and vegetables every day. Six of those people get their f&v from drinking a daily bloody Mary and an apple martini.

Further analysis showed that there are enough Cronuts to feed every man, woman, and child, either dead, living, or to be born, plus the population of 6 alien planets.

Here's the link: https://www.ndtv.com/food/there-are-not-enough-fruits-and-vegetables-for-everybody-on-this-planet-scientists-reveal-1939397

Helloooo Newman: Wake Study

Helloooo Newman: Wake Study: Scientists keep studying why we sleep. I want to study why we bother being awake.

Wake Study

Scientists keep studying why we sleep. I want to study why we bother being awake.

Helloooo Newman: Recent Events

Helloooo Newman: Recent Events: Due to recent events, all future events are cancelled.

Recent Events

Due to recent events, all future events are cancelled.

Helloooo Newman: Spic and Span

Helloooo Newman: Spic and Span: I'm never sure at which point in the cleaning process I achieve both spic and span. I guess it would be useful to know what the hell...

Spic and Span

I'm never sure at which point in the cleaning process I achieve both spic and span. I guess it would be useful to know what the hell those words have to do with things being clean.

Who the hell chose Spic? "Hey Frank, what the hell should we call this new cleaner?"

"How about a racist and derogatory term for Mexicans?"

"That's new. Bold. I like it."

Today the more enlightened racists call them rapists and murderers. Rapists and Murderers and Span won't fit on the box above, and definitely doesn't sound like something I want to clean with.

Rapists and Murderers and Span: It kills germs, and your family. Tough on blood spatter too.

Span refers to time or distance. I never have the time to clean and the Windex is always too far from my bed, where I'm napping.

When I look at my bathroom, I definitely feel like it's in a state of spic only.

Maybe I should try Arm and Hammer. More of the hammer, though, since the dirt is a few years old.

Helloooo Newman: Daughter – Got 'er

Helloooo Newman: Daughter – Got 'er: I was eating dinner with my teen daughter and at the end of the meal she asked, "May I be excused?" in a really polite fashion. ...

Daughter – Got 'er

I was eating dinner with my teen daughter and at the end of the meal she asked, "May I be excused?" in a really polite fashion.

If anyone has seen my real daughter, please, please, contact me.

Somebody's got 'er.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween

Helloooo Newman: Halloween: For Halloween this year I was going to put piece of human skeleton in our planters. Then I thought, okay, too soon.

Halloween

For Halloween this year I was going to put pieces of human skeleton in our planters.

Then I thought, okay, maybe too soon.

Helloooo Newman: Homo

Helloooo Newman: Homo: Archeologists have discovered a new ancient human-like species buried in a far away cave called Homo Milk. The defining feature of this sp...

Homo

Archeologists have discovered a new ancient human-like species buried in a far away cave called Homo Milk.

The defining feature of this species is that they drank shitloads of milk (often with cookies). So much milk that their bodies developed lactose intolerance and at one point they were relieving themselves 24 hours a day. They are responsible for the lactose intolerance gene, passed on to Homosapien.

Speaking of Homosapien, archeologists speculate that this hominid is on its way out, hopefully to be replaced by Homo Genius.

Helloooo Newman: Dog Peeve

Helloooo Newman: Dog Peeve: When I'm walking dogs, one thing I really hate is dog owners who yell across the street at me, "Hi. Can my dog say hello to your do...

Dog Peeve

When I'm walking dogs, one thing I really hate is dog owners who yell across the street at me, "Hi. Can my dog say hello to your dog?"

Fuckin' NO. Does this look like a dog party to you? Look closely at my face. Do I look friendly? No. Do I look like I will bite you? Yes.

Imagine if people did this to each other.

"Hi. Do you mind if my husband says hi to your wife? He's so friendly, especially with women he's not married to. Careful, he's not fixed so he might try to hump her. A swift kick in the balls usually reminds him he's married to me."

Have nice day.

Helloooo Newman: Interest Rates are Increasing

Helloooo Newman: Interest Rates are Increasing: Canada is enjoying weed so much that even the interest rates are getting high.

Interest Rates are Increasing

Canada is enjoying weed so much that even the interest rates are getting high.

Helloooo Newman: Gaudy Arabia

Helloooo Newman: Gaudy Arabia: Great news from the Kingdom. No, not Heaven. Saudi Arabia. Women can drive. No permission needed from hubby, who's too busy fucking hi...

Gaudy Arabia

Great news from the Kingdom. No, not Heaven. Even mightier. Saudi Arabia.

Women can drive. No permission needed from hubby, who's too busy drilling his mistress for oil in the next palace down anyway.

Kind of makes murdering and "Ginsu-knifing" up reporters a little more…tolerable.

Later to be served as…Trump steaks?

Helloooo Newman: There is no God

Helloooo Newman: There is no God: Stephen Hawking, just before he died, wrote in his last book, "There is no God. No one directs the universe." He wrote this…just...

There is no God

Stephen Hawking, just before he died, wrote in his last book, "There is no God. No one directs the universe."

He wrote this…just before he died.

You decide!

Helloooo Newman: Seven of Nine

Helloooo Newman: Seven of Nine: Seven of Nine had a kid and named it Square Root of Nine.

Seven of Nine

Seven of Nine had a kid and named it Square Root of Nine.

Helloooo Newman: Living Your Why

Helloooo Newman: Living Your Why: I saw a book called Living Your Why and I thought, well, that's better than living at the Y.

Living Your Why

I saw a book called Living Your Why and I thought, well, that's better than living at the Y.

Helloooo Newman: Stormy Weather

Helloooo Newman: Stormy Weather: It's time to be honest with ourselves. Don't we all secretly wish one of those CNN reporters that plant themselves in the middle of ...

Stormy Weather

It's time to be honest with ourselves. Don't we all secretly wish those CNN reporters that plant themselves in the middle of a deadly storm get swept away. Perhaps a body is impaled on the last standing light pole, legs and arms flailing in the 150 mph wind, right beside the tattered American flag. Microphone held in midair, held up by the gale-force winds.

All caught on live tv, just before the camera crew is also blown away to the land of Oz.

Then maybe they'll stop 24 hour coverage of wind and rain.

Helloooo Newman: Dryer

Helloooo Newman: Dryer: I turned on the dryer with nothing in it. An hour later I opened it and all the socks I ever lost were in there.

Dryer

I turned on the dryer with nothing in it. An hour later I opened it and all the socks I ever lost were in there.

Helloooo Newman: TV Show Children

Helloooo Newman: TV Show Children: If Agent 99 from Get Smart and 7 of 9 from Star Trek have a kid, it would be called 7.99. People would round it off to 8 for short.

TV Show Children

If Agent 99 from Get Smart and 7 of 9 from Star Trek have a kid, it would be called 7.99. People would round it off to 8 for short.

Helloooo Newman: Elephant in the Room

Helloooo Newman: Elephant in the Room: A group of people having dinner ignored the elephant in the room and were crushed to death. Even worse, it was a white elephant.

Elephant in the Room

A group of people having dinner ignored the elephant in the room and were crushed to death.

Even worse, it was a white elephant.

Helloooo Newman: Xmas Shopping

Helloooo Newman: Xmas Shopping: If I buy everyone wrapping paper as an Xmas present, do I need to wrap it? Technically, it's wrapped in itself. And if I wrap it, can I ...

Xmas Shopping

If I buy everyone wrapping paper as an Xmas present, do I need to wrap it? Technically, it's wrapped in itself. And if I wrap it, can I use some of the paper from the wrapping paper present to wrap the wrapping paper present? Or do I buy separate wrapping paper to wrap the wrapping paper? Seems like a waste.

If I wrap the wrapping paper with wrapping paper, how do you know when the wrapping paper wrapping the wrapping paper present ends and the actual wrapping paper present begins?

When you think about it (and I know you are right now), how can anyone tell if I wrapped the wrapping paper present with separate wrapping paper or used the wrapping paper from the wrapping paper present? You could never be sure, and conceivably keep opening the wrapping paper until you get to the cardboard cylinder at the centre. In this case, I'll tell them to save the wrapping paper the wrapping paper present is wrapped in, or just tell them I got them a cardboard cylinder for Xmas.

Either way, giving wrapping paper as an Xmas gift gets a bad wrap.

Maybe it's easier just to get everyone wifi for Xmas. Should I wrap that? How?

Helloooo Newman: Vacuuming

Helloooo Newman: Vacuuming: Whenever my wife asks me to clean the house, I always quote Aristotle. "Nature abhors vacuuming."

Vacuuming

Whenever my wife asks me to clean the house, I always quote Aristotle.

"Nature abhors vacuuming."

Helloooo Newman: History Repeats Itself

Helloooo Newman: History Repeats Itself: Those who do not learn from their browser history are doomed to repeat it.

History Repeats Itself

Those who do not learn from their browser history are doomed to repeat it.

Helloooo Newman: Bonsai

Helloooo Newman: Bonsai: If a bonsai tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Bonsai

If a bonsai tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? 

Helloooo Newman: Self-esteam

Helloooo Newman: Self-esteam: I was feeling really arrogant yesterday so I let out some self-esteam.

Self-esteam

I was feeling really arrogant yesterday so I let out some self-esteam.