Helloooo Newman: Yo-yo

Helloooo Newman: Yo-yo: I wonder how a yo-yo works in a universe with 11 dimensions. Do you think an architect charges more, just for all the extra measuring? H...

Yo-yo

I wonder how a yo-yo works in a universe with 11 dimensions. Do you think an architect charges more, just for all the extra measuring? How many turn signals will be on your car?

Some day we will have to answer these questions.

Helloooo Newman: Fixing the Thermostat

Helloooo Newman: Fixing the Thermostat: If experts can reverse global warming, then why can't we jig things just enough to achieve a nice, comfortable 75 degrees across th...

Fixing the Thermostat

If experts can reverse global warming, then why can't we jig things just enough to achieve a nice, comfortable 75 degrees across the globe?

In fact, global warming distracts from the real problem. Earth's thermostat is broken, and has been for billions of years. That explains the yoyo-like cold and warm periods in earth's history.

When God first created the earth, He installed a programmable thermostat and fucked it up. No problem. I've done the same thing in my house. That 100-page manual brings me to a boil.

For God's sake, though, leave some instructions on how to fix things. Keep in mind, the Bible only says "Let there be light". Not a word about central heating.

This is the perfect time in history for us to establish a world temperature, just like we have a room temperature, or a rectal temperature. A terrestrial temperature.

Can we really say we have a modern earth without a properly functioning thermostat?

A nice 75 degrees sounds good to me. Sure, some people on the coasts will drown as the ice melts. We can make up for it by closing all the swimming pools in the world. Do you know how many people drown in those things every year?

We can be known as the short sleeve shirt and light dress pants everywhere planet.

This will be great for alien tourism. Imagine flying 2 light years to earth and finding your hotel under 2 miles of ice. What a waste of gas.

Fix the thermostat, scientists.

Helloooo Newman: Feelin' Groovy

Helloooo Newman: Feelin' Groovy: Dogs never casually stroll to get a ball. They either go full out or decide they're too tired and lie on the ground, exposing their...

Feelin' Groovy

Dogs never casually stroll to get a ball. They either go full out or decide they're too tired and lie on the ground, exposing their groin to the world.

"Hey Bufus, I just threw the ball."

"Ya, I saw that. Give me a minute, okay? I've got a whole list of shit I have to get to."

Maybe that's why dogs live such short lives. They are basically animals with bi-polar disorder.

They should learn to slow down, take it easy, and it's not a rat race for the ball every day. I play Simon and Garfunkel's The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy) for Newman to calm him down.

And they should learn to make lists of priorities. Studies show that people who make lists live longer.

First on my list everyday is, "don't die today". Second is, "can you get the ball today?"

Helloooo Newman: And the Oscar goes to…

Helloooo Newman: And the Oscar goes to…: My favourite Oscar movies this year were the ones I didn't see.

Helloooo Newman: Passed Away

Helloooo Newman: Passed Away: I've never been a huge supporter of the phrase "passed away" . How's your uncle? Oh, he passed away last year. Ge...

Passed Away

I've never been a huge supporter of the phrase "passed away".

How's your uncle?

Oh, he passed away last year.

George Carlin wrote a lot about words that hide reality, or euphemisms. By the way, he stole (borrowed?) all that from me, but I forgive him. He passed away. I mean – died.

Not only does passed away cover up the one reality we all have to face, it's used inconsistently.

We only use it for a single person death. George passed away.

You never hear this: a 747 crashed and 230 people passed away. 300 million people passed away from smallpox. Suddenly, it's okay to say "died".

300 million people dead is a far greater tragedy, so you'd think we would mask it even more. Did you hear, 300 million people became "unalive". It makes no sense.

There are other problems. Passed away is too similar to phrases like "passed gas", "passed the buck", or "passed out drunk". All negative.

Even worse than "passed away" is "passed on". That implies that the person has gone on to something else and, naturally, it's much better than life. I don't care how many "frequent dier" points you have, you will not be cashing them in for a trip to passed away land with lush green grass and a comfortable bench. Okay, I have no proof of this, but no one has proof of the opposite either.

Anyway, time for a nap. I'm passed away tired.

Helloooo Newman: Bed, Bath and Beyond

Helloooo Newman: Bed, Bath and Beyond: I entered a Bed Bath & Beyond and complained that I couldn't find the Beyond part of the store. The lady said it was just ove...

Bed, Bath and Beyond

I entered a Bed Bath & Beyond and complained that I couldn't find the Beyond part of the store.

The lady said it was just over there.

Where?

Right there.

Here?

Almost. Up there.

Here?

Not quite. Down a bit.

Over here?

So close. Inches.

Is this it?

Little further.

Do you really know where it is?

I know where it isn't. Right where you're standing.

Frustrated, I went to Men's Wearhouse and insisted on speaking to the woman in charge.

Helloooo Newman: True Believer

Helloooo Newman: True Believer: I kinda feel guilty not believing in God because I know He believes in me.

True Believer

I kinda feel guilty not believing in God because I know He believes in me.

Helloooo Newman: Lent

Helloooo Newman: Lent: Your time is up I'm looking forward to Lent, that time of year when all the money I lent out is due back to me. Unless, of course...

Lent

Your time is up

I'm looking forward to Lent, that time of year when all the money I lent out is due back to me. Unless, of course, you want your kneecaps turned backwards.

Helloooo Newman: The Bathroom President

Helloooo Newman: The Bathroom President: I wonder if people like Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin and the whole ISIS gang laugh every time the President of the United States is asked...

The Bathroom President

I wonder if people like Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin and the whole ISIS gang giggle every time the President of the United States is asked in public about who can go to which bathroom and when.

I think they might.

Helloooo Newman: The Planets

Helloooo Newman: The Planets: Scientists have discovered 7 earth-like planets. Oh joy. Have you checked out the state of our earth lately? And we're looking for...

The Planets

Scientists have discovered 7 earth-like planets.

Oh joy. Have you checked out the state of our earth lately? And we're looking for more of these?

When you stay in a hotel with cockroaches, bad food and stained mattresses, do you move to another hotel with the same things?

Stop looking for earth-like planets. Look for planets that are better. Maybe we need a Trivago for planets.

"Scientists find 7 planets that totally blow away earth as a place to live."

Now I'm excited.

Helloooo Newman: Walkie Talkie

Helloooo Newman: Walkie Talkie: It just occurred to me that every time I've used a walkie talkie, I've actually been sitting down. Is that okay? Please don&#39...

Walkie Talkie

It just occurred to me that every time I've used a walkie talkie, I've actually been sitting down. Is that okay? Please don't tell anyone.

Helloooo Newman: What an Open Concept

Helloooo Newman: What an Open Concept: How come when people knock all the walls down in their house, it's called "open concept"? All of a sudden a room become...

What an Open Concept

How come when people knock all the walls down in their house, it's called "open concept"?

All of a sudden a room becomes a "concept". Was it a "closed concept" before?

Does that mean it doesn't really exist? What about knocking the whole house down? I guess that's a homeless concept.

"Hey, where did your living room go? Is this that open concept I've been hearing so much about?"

"Yes it is. My husband thinks it's just the same room, with more room in it. What does he know?"

Maybe it helps people justify the cost of knocking walls down. Because "open concept" just means you paid someone to knock shit down. You actually have less shit (fewer walls) after.

"This looks like just a big room."

"Nope, it's a concept. It works better if you get the concept."

"Which is?"

"That it's open."

"I get it, now that you put it that way. Subtlety is expensive."

You're paying for more air in your house. And you can have fun echoing off the outer walls.

A big room costs $5,000. An "open concept" costs $10,000.

"Hey, nice bathroom. Open concept?"

"Of course not. It's just a bathroom."

How do you furnish a concept? With theoretical sofas and chairs?

"Honey, we can't afford a concept right now. Can we go with the theory, or a notion? It's cheaper. Or forget the whole thing and leave it as an hypothesis."

Time to pay the real mortgage.

Helloooo Newman: Global Warming

Helloooo Newman: Global Warming: It's strange that people are worried about global warming and the future of the planet, and at the same time saying, "Seventy deg...

Global Warming

It's strange that people are worried about global warming and the future of the planet, and at the same time saying, "Seventy degrees in February? Let's hit a patio and celebrate!"

Helloooo Newman: Bra Beating

Helloooo Newman: Bra Beating: I just read that, in fact, no woman actually burned her bra in public in the 60s. It was made up by the media, and "burning your b...

Bra Beating

I just read that, in fact, no woman actually burned her bra in public in the 60s. It was made up by the media, and "burning your bra" became a meme:
http://www.campaignlive.co.uk/article/fiction-history/1417802

That's a shame. And now it's too late. Bras are made of high quality flame-retardant material.

Women should do what I do when I'm protesting: burn the spare ribs, burn my shirts when I'm ironing, burn myself using the glue gun. That kind of thing.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Some day I'm gonna start a country where instead of driving on the left or right side of the road, cars drive down the middle. I...

Musings and Woes

Some day I'm gonna start a country where instead of driving on the left or right side of the road, cars drive down the middle.



I've decided that I'm taking my secrets to the grave with me, and I'll reveal all the dirt once I'm under dirt.

Helloooo Newman: Good Mourning

Helloooo Newman: Good Mourning: I'm a morning person, as long as by morning, you mean mourning.

Good Mourning

I'm a morning person, as long as by morning, you mean mourning.

Helloooo Newman: Gators and Crocs

Helloooo Newman: Gators and Crocs: Whenever I'm leaving a friend and they say, "See you later, alligator", I respond with, "When, exactly, is later, cro...

Gators and Crocs

Whenever I'm leaving a friend and they say, "See you later, alligator", I respond with, "When, exactly, is later, crocodile? I would like an exact date and time. And a place. And a plan. What's the plan, and how long will it take? And how much will it cost me?"

 It really bugs my friends. Do you think it's because I don't rhyme anything with crocodile?

Helloooo Newman: Qs without As

Helloooo Newman: Qs without As: Why do we keep track of how long people have been dead like we do when they are alive? They'll be dead forever, and then some. He's ...

Qs without As

Why do we keep track of how long people have been dead like we do when they are alive? They'll be dead forever, and then some. He's been dead for 20 years. He's really getting on, eh? He's looking very dead. I almost didn't recognize him. It's not like you're dead for a certain amount of time and then something tragic happens. It's over. Forget about it.


I wonder what the YMCA was called before we finished developing the alphabet. And how could we follow the letter of the law before the alphabet?


I hate Y questions. They imply meaning, and there is no meaning. They also lead to Z questions.

Helloooo Newman: Taxi or Uber

Helloooo Newman: Taxi or Uber: I told the pilot on my flight that instead of taxiing to the runway, I'd rather take an Uber.

Taxi or Uber

I told the pilot on my flight that instead of taxiing to the runway, I'd rather take an Uber.

Helloooo Newman: It's Eating Me

Helloooo Newman: It's Eating Me: How come if you don't eat anything it's called an eating disorder  but if you eat way too much it isn't?

It's Eating Me

How come if you starve yourself it's called an eating disorder 

but if you stuff yourself it isn't?

Helloooo Newman: Razing A Stink

Helloooo Newman: Razing A Stink: The English language is so full of confusing words that I'm thinking of giving it up as a means of communication. It mangles mean...

Razing A Stink

The English language is so full of confusing words that I'm thinking of giving it up as a means of communication.

It mangles meaning – the English mangleage.

My most unfavourite word is: Raze (completely destroy something to the ground)

I get it, a million years ago lots of grass huts and wooden mangers were burning to the ground, and they needed a special word for it, other than, "Oh shitcakes."

Raze? This is what the word committee settled on? A word that sounds EXACTLY the same as another word (raise) which means its EXACT opposite.

Were they out of words at the word store that day? "I'm sorry, we're out of new words today, all the consonants are being rented but we have plenty of vowels available. Can I interest you in a used word?"

Reminds me of those people who rhyme all their children's names. Meet Kim, Tim, Slim and Jim. Slim and Jim are twins. That's so cute it's almost annoying.

Ya, I'd like to raze a stink about this. Oh shit, see what happens when you confuse words?

Poor Sam at his barn razing – "Guys, you burned everything down. I said barn RAISING."

"Hey boss, can you raise my salary?"

"Raze it? Done!"

"I'm not sure if I want to raise my kids or raze them."

I thought language was invented to clear things up between people.

Caveman: Listen dude, enough with the grunting. I never know if you want to go fuck with a mastodon or practice our cave painting. We need a language.

And this isn't even the worst of it. Every day people are confusing the word "Paul" and "Sexy".

This caveman is done with English.

Helloooo Newman: Put Some Clothes On

Helloooo Newman: Put Some Clothes On: Do you ever use that neat trick where if you find someone intimidating, you picture them in the nude, and it brings them down to your l...

Put Some Clothes On

Do you ever use that neat trick where if you find someone intimidating, you picture them in the nude, and it brings them down to your level?

I use it in reverse.

I get very nervous around strippers, so I always picture them wearing clothes. I feel much more relaxed that way.

Then they ask me to pay for the table dance, and I say, "No way. You were dressed the whole time."

Helloooo Newman: Valenwine's Day

Helloooo Newman: Valenwine's Day: I buy my wife a rose on Valentine's Day. Oops, that's rosé. As in a bottle of rosé wine. It's her favourite bouquet, an...

Valenwine's Day

I buy my wife a rose on Valentine's Day.

Oops, that's rosé. As in a bottle of rosé wine. It's amazing what a little aigu can do.

It's her favourite bouquet, and it makes her love me lots.

Thousands of grapes and hundreds of man, woman and trans hours go into making that rosé, and it's still cheaper than buying an individual rose, which I can find growing wild through a small crack in my neighbour's driveway asphalt.

Happy Valenwine's Day, honey.

Helloooo Newman: Rotten Peach

Helloooo Newman: Rotten Peach: Can't we just skip to the impeachment right now.

Rotten Peach

Can't we just skip to the impeachment right now?

Helloooo Newman: White Noise

Helloooo Newman: White Noise: What is white noise? I mean, why is it white? Above is a picture of white noise. Forget about how nonsensical it is to have a "p...

White Noise

What is white noise? I mean, why is it white?

Above is a picture of white noise. Forget about how nonsensical it is to have a "picture" of a "sound" – the picture clearly has black and white in it.

So, why isn't it called black and white noise? Or just black noise? Or either one, depending on your mood.

Or depending on your race. Calling it white or black noise is clearly racist. You can't use the words "white" or "black" anymore without being a racist. That makes it hard to be a graphic designer. "I think your newsletter needs more, um, well, you know, space…you know that space with nothing in it, no colour, like, just nothing, empty and like that."

"White space?"

"Hey, you said that, not me."

Is white noise the white man's attempt to appropriate everything – even noises?

Generally speaking, we consider white noise to be an annoying sound. So, if we're going to assign a colour to this sound (we shouldn't), why not pick a really annoying colour?

The colours white and black are not annoying. I love wrapping myself in a lovely white sarong during those hot summer days. And my black shirts make me look very cool. And young. And hip.

How about puce? Puce has been declared by the U.N. to be the ugliest and most dangerous colour on the planet.

There's too much puce noise in the world.

Helloooo Newman: Huggies

Helloooo Newman: Huggies: I hope Justin doesn't get any orange on his new suit when he hugs Trump.

Huggies

I hope Justin doesn't get any orange on his new suit when he hugs Trump.

Helloooo Newman: Open the Big Shiny Door, HAL

Helloooo Newman: Open the Big Shiny Door, HAL: Trump supporters go apeshit over the first slab in their wall. "Will this hold? It's not very shiny."

Open the Big Shiny Door, HAL

Trump supporters go apeshit over the first slab in their wall.

"Will this hold? It's not very shiny."

Helloooo Newman: The Handshake Felt Around the World

Helloooo Newman: The Handshake Felt Around the World: Japan reached a milestone agreement to allow all US goods into their country tariff-free on the proviso that Mr. Trump never attempt t...

The Handshake Felt Around the World

Japan reached a milestone agreement to allow all US goods into their country tariff-free on the proviso that Mr. Trump never attempt to shake their leader's hand again.

Meanwhile, a jealous Mr. Jong-un launched a new missile, and stated that the next one will hit Los Angeles if Mr. Trump does not shake his hand for a minimum of 3 minutes.

Helloooo Newman: A Trumpy Adventure

Helloooo Newman: A Trumpy Adventure: Trumpy, Putin, Spicer, Bannon He was once a little green monied guy TRUMPY Now he is the President and we cry TRUMPY He will w...

A Trumpy Adventure

Trumpy, Putin, Spicer, Bannon

He was once a little green monied guy

TRUMPY

Now he is the President and we cry

TRUMPY

He will walk into history books

With his pony pal Putin too

If you have no heart then Trumpy's a part of you

Helloooo Newman: ;Colonoscopy

Helloooo Newman: ;Colonoscopy: Like any reasonable man, I am terrified of getting a full-on colon oscopy. I asked my doctor if he could make it a semi-colon oscopy....

;Colonoscopy

Like any reasonable man, I am terrified of getting a full-on colonoscopy.

I asked my doctor if he could make it a semi-colonoscopy.

He rammed it in and it felt like a bullet point.

I abbreviated my visit and made a mad dash out of his office.

I ran and ran, like a run on sentence.

When I got home, I was so tired I fell into a comma for two months.

I woke up and kept reliving that period of my life.

It's a shame life has to be punctuated with such horrible experiences.

Helloooo Newman: This is Not CNN

Helloooo Newman: This is Not CNN: In light of Trump's team inventing terrorist attacks that never happened, and the media never covering terrorists attacks that actu...

This is Not CNN

In light of Trump's team inventing terrorist attacks that never happened, and the media never covering terrorists attacks that actually happened, CNN is splitting the difference.

CNN, THE voice in fake news, is starting a half-sister station, called NCNN.

NCNN (Not CNN) will feature in-depth coverage of events that DID NOT happen.

NCNN will specialize in events that never occurred, events that are not currently occurring, and events that could not possibly occur.

Some stories will reach back in time – The attack on Pearl Harbour, an effort by Japan to bomb the US market with cheap sushi and selfie sticks. America prevailed in World Trade War II. (live coverage)

Woodstock – A seminal sixties event where people gathered on a farm to raise and eat Trump steak.

Kent State Riots – Students demanded that they be educated at Trump University. Some were shot with alternative bullets.

Exciting future non-events will be also covered, like the Leafs not winning the Stanley Cup.

NCNN will debut with the second coming of Jesus – it hasn't happened, it definitely isn't happening now, and it never will happen.

(cue music and James Earl Jones)

This is NOT CNN.

Helloooo Newman: Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy

Helloooo Newman: Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy: In the story Pinocchio , the Blue Fairy says, "A lie keeps growing and growing until it's as plain as the nose on your face.&q...

Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy

In the story Pinocchio, the Blue Fairy says, "A lie keeps growing and growing until it's as plain as the nose on your face."

Donald Trump is a modern day Pinocchio, except that every time he lies he turns orange.

There are two crucial differences between Pinocchio and Donald Trump. Pinocchio was on strings, whereas everyone around Trump is on strings.

And Pinocchio eventually became a genuine person.

Helloooo Newman: Emojo

Helloooo Newman: Emojo: I've lost my emojo

Emojo

I've lost my emojo

Helloooo Newman: Reborn

Helloooo Newman: Reborn: Okay, I believe in God again.

Reborn

Okay, I believe in God again.

Helloooo Newman: Homo Erectus

Helloooo Newman: Homo Erectus: Archeologists have discovered that Homo Erectus, just as he realized he was about to die off,  tried mating with Homo Viagra.  ...

Homo Erectus

Archeologists have discovered that Homo Erectus, just as he realized he was about to die off, 

tried mating with Homo Viagra. 

Six hours later they were all gone.

Helloooo Newman: Trumpy

Helloooo Newman: Trumpy: He can walk into history books. With his pony pal Putin too.

Trumpy

He can walk into history books.

With his pony pal Putin too.

Helloooo Newman: Pudding Proof

Helloooo Newman: Pudding Proof: Wouldn't life be so much easier if the proof actually was in the pudding ? I'll have you know that, just for this blog, I s...

Pudding Proof

Wouldn't life be so much easier if the proof actually was in the pudding?

I'll have you know that, just for this blog, I spent a whole day sifting through and eating pudding – sponge, jello, blood, you name it.

Nothing. No proof. Except for how much diarrhea a person can survive.

I thought at first I was being too ambitious. I was hoping to find proof for string theory, or its competition, loop quantum gravity. Turned out it was just loops of poo on a plate.

Bill Cosby was the official spokesman for Jello pudding. So I looked for proof that he is a rat bastard rapist. No such luck, which is why he's still free.

Couldn't I at least find proof that I'm always right and my wife is always wrong?

Maybe I'll just keep eating until I find something.

Helloooo Newman: The Wal

Helloooo Newman: The Wal: Well, colour me embarrassed. I thought DJ Trump's wall was some kind of tribute to Pink Floyd. It's an actual wall. But what ...

The Wal

Well, colour me embarrassed. I thought DJ Trump's wall was some kind of tribute to Pink Floyd.

It's an actual wall. But what will it look like?

If I were building it, I would have 1,954 miles of…Walmart stores.

Walmarts………………as far the bad hombres can see………………

With Walmart, you get your Wal, and your mart.

All the Walmarts would face Mexico, making it easy for hombres to go in and spend their hard earned drug pesos. The Mart part pays for the Wal part.

Think about it. Thousands of rapists and drug dealers make their way to the border, realize they can't get past the Wal, and think, "Shit, while I'm here I might as well pick up some baking soda, car batteries, and a good polypropylene rope for hanging people."

DJ Trump has been very sketchy on specifics, but the detail is in the retail.

Security doesn't get any more American than the Wal.

Helloooo Newman: HomeSense

Helloooo Newman: HomeSense: The retail chain HomeSense is practically on every corner these days. Let's call it  CommonSense. When my wife shops there...

HomeSense

The retail chain HomeSense is practically on every corner these days.

Let's call it CommonSense.

When my wife shops there, she is InSense.

I hate when teens go there, because you are shopping in AdolesSense.

I always argue price and give in: AcquiesSense.

I was accused of shoplifting there, and proclaimed my InnoSense.

Some day, HomeSense will achieve ObsolesSense, and go out of business.

We will call that NonSense.

I will then open a similar store, called ReminisSense.

Helloooo Newman: Paralegal

Helloooo Newman: Paralegal: If Paralympic athletes get caught cheating in competition,  do they use paralegals to represent them?

Paralegal

If Paralympic athletes get caught cheating in competition, 

do they use paralegals to represent them?