Functional MRI experiments show that peanut butter has astounding effects on the brain. People who consume huge quantities of peanut butter while in the MRI machine, a task in itself that requires an I.Q. of 140 or better to perform and a very large bib, develop an urge to dip themselves in chocolate and press themselves into a cup-shaped mould. Other parts of the brain that lit up were the "I need jam with this because the peanut butter is stuck to the roof of my mouth" area and the area that controls inquisitiveness, with the brain asking, "has anyone tried this stuff with banana?" These brain parts were named the PB&J region.
At one point in the experiments, a glob of peanut butter (the crunchy kind) made its way into the MRI mechanism. Until it was found, patient after patient was diagnosed with a peanut-shaped tumour on their occipital lobe.
When some errant mice, sniffing the peanut butter, made their way into the MRI machine for a snack, the tumours changed to a smushed mouse shape. One of the clever doctors got suspicious, checked the machine, and found what they termed a "statistically significant gross-out mess."
The lawsuits continue.
Since peanut butter is the perfect food, why can't everything be made of peanut butter? I wish my finger nails were made of peanut butter. I would sell short on the stock market more often. Peanut butter boogers would be very convenient. If I was an Orthodontist I would make the retainers out of peanut butter. They naturally stick to the roof of the mouth and kids would love seeing me. I wonder if I'm the only one who uses peanut butter as a face cream. Well, I did until I discovered I couldn't have a face-to-face with anyone having a peanut allergy, including my shrink, priest, dermatologist and local hooker.
If you're into DIY projects, consider using peanut butter instead of drywall compound. Drywalling and sanding is a dirty and frustrating activity, right up there with colorectal surgery and discussing foreign policy with John McCain. Imagine the pleasure of sanding dried peanut butter. Stick your tongue out and enjoy.
Don't you think John McCain is part chipmunk, and those cheeks of his are loaded up with peanuts? Check it out (http://cheezburger.com/1136657152). He's two or three chews away from having his own peanut butter churning machine in his mouth.
I seriously think if the Catholic church put peanut butter on their hosts they'd have way more churchgoers. They would also need jam on there, or the Lord's prayer would come out as, "our thather, who tharts in theventh."
Many things will be possible in the future that seem outlandish right now: time travel, teleportation, a rational Republican.
But no one will ever be able to put the jam on bread first, and then spread the peanut butter in any coherent way. Right down to the quantum level, peanut butter will not spread over jam. It would be like Meryl Streep and Carrot Top reading excerpts from An Actor Prepares together on "Inside the Actor's Studio" – NEVAH, EVAH!
My favourite meal of all time, to this day, is the PB&J sandwiches we had on our canoe trips at camp. This was way back in the fur trading days, when I was a member of the Métis. Hauling birch bark canoes, heaving packs full of reeking beaver pelts, a little tyke like me built up an appetite.
Of course, I was so starving I would have eaten the slow-roasted body of another camper. Cannibalism was a real possibility back then, save for peanut butter.
Humanity can be so cruel. Imagine the gall of personifying a peanut, as Planters did with Mr. Peanut, and convincing kids that some peanuts are walking around with arms, legs, a top hat and a bi-focal. A very well-dressed peanut, meaning he's a member of the upper echelons. But then every time a kid enjoys a PB&J sandwich he/she is left with the guilt that thousands of peanuts were lined up, stripped down and liquefied in a grinder so mom can make an easy lunch and watch The Price is Right. Once we've tortured their little minds into accepting that peanut "people" can be massacred for a good snack, a few years later we teach them the evils of the Holocaust. #ConfuZING!!!
I discovered some interesting facts about peanut butter. According to my research the first person to think of sticking a banana into some peanut butter was Linda Lovelace. After a short term of experimentation she decided another good place to stick the peanut butter-covered banana would be into her mouth. Peanut butter and banana have since been getting along famously as a snack. A pioneering woman, that Linda.
Startling fact: peanuts are not nuts. They are legumes. Does anyone really need to know this distinction? Pineapples, believe it or not, are not apples. Nor do they come from a pine tree. And head cheese is not made from someones head.
By the way, if peanuts aren't nuts, why are they always included in those incessant warnings about nut allergies? Allergic kids can't even be around someone wearing a peanut costume. You never hear about Billy having a legume allergy.
The average American eats 2500 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before they graduate from high school. The 2500 figure doesn't surprise me, although I thought it would have been closer to 100,000. What shocked me was that the average American graduates from high school.
While peanut butter is an awesome snack, it's not particularly creative as a food.
Neanderthal husband: Honey, found these in the ground. Me and the boys decided to call 'em peanuts.
Neanderthal wife: Oh dumb dumb, those look like legumes, not nuts.
Neanderthal husband: Okay, but peaumes doesn't sound very appetizing. What should we do with 'em?
Neanderthal wife: Well, I think I'll slow roast them and then make a nice velvety peanut reduction. Hmm, what spices to add?
Neanderthal husband: Na, I thought we'd just crush 'em. Call it butter. That's what this large boulder's for.
So, peanut butter being a very "unsophisticated" dish, it was obviously invented by a man. And that man was none other than Adam, from the garden. How did Adam come to invent peanut butter? Well, he needed the protein to start the human race. Adam provided the peanut butter and jam, while Eve provided the soft bread. It all spread so easily. So did Eve.
Is this a cosmic coincidence? My current favourite peanut butter is called Adam's All Natural Peanut Butter (www.adamspeanutbutter.ca/). It just has a flavour no other peanut butter manages to achieve. Why is that? There's no sugar, salt, veggie oil, bacon, beer, bugles or any other of my favourite ingredients. I guess it could be the cocaine they add. But I kicked that habit years ago. One of life's pleasant mysteries.
Peanut butter also has many practical uses. One of the better uses is for controlling the rodent population. Cheese is a big one too. I prefer peanut butter in all my mouse traps. I love the idea that I can enjoy a nice peanut butter snack and a few feet away my beloved peanut butter is helping me separate a mouse's head from its torso.
I found peanut butter was really handy when you needed a good excuse in school. In Grade Twelve English, where I had to read Shakespeare in front of the class, I butchered it so badly I told my teacher I had just finished a peanut butter sandwich and my mom forgot the jam. I hadn't a clue what I was reading and remember wishing the teacher would re-enact the Romeo poisoning scene on himself.
When my mom found her 200-page Vogue in my bathroom reduced to a few turnable pages from all the sticking together, peanut butter was a very handy excuse. Wrong colour, but what did she know?
If I had kids over again, I'd name them Peanut Butter, Jam and Banana. The boy, for obvious reasons, would get the Banana name.
Peanut butter is so marvelous, I would devote an entire t.v. channel to its celebration. It would be called PBS - The Peanut Butter Station.
I've always wanted to visit a peanut butter farm.
When I retire I'm moving to the country to operate my own peanut butter farm.
