Helloooo Newman: Am I Upworthy?

Helloooo Newman: Am I Upworthy?: Have you ever watched videos on upworthy.com? You might want to try. Some fascinating stuff here. I watched one video where this guy in ...

Am I Upworthy?

Have you ever watched videos on upworthy.com?

You might want to try. Some fascinating stuff here.

I watched one video where this guy in a car would keep going round and round a drive-thru restaurant and pay for the people behind him, who were, of course, complete strangers and not expecting a free meal.

Cool. Very nice of him. It's some kind of fast food burger joint, so I guess he's contributing to and encouraging obesity, heart disease, high blood pressure, heart attacks, diabetes etc.

But still, real nice of him.

This video gave me a great idea. I think it might be unique in its strategy and brilliance.

I'm going to find out who and where this nice guy is.

Then, when my daughter needs $5,000 braces, I will take her at the same time this nice guy takes his kid to the orthodontist. I will get in line behind him and hope to hell he pays for ME.

When this nice guy takes his kid to register at Harvard, I will be there behind him in the line with my daughter.

The Mercedes lot? That too.

Christmas, birthdays, wedding, all of it. I will stock this guy until he's broke.

Yes, upworthy.com is very useful to check out.

Helloooo Newman: Avoid Pregnancy During Christmas

Helloooo Newman: Avoid Pregnancy During Christmas: It is, as my daughter often says, a true fact that I've never been pregnant. But I fully support pregnancy. The reason? Sure, because ...

Avoid Pregnancy During Christmas

It is, as my daughter often says, a true fact that I've never been pregnant.

But I fully support pregnancy. The reason? Sure, because babies are all cute and stuff.

My central reason, given my age, is that I need more people to grow up and work so they can pay for my pension with their money, produced from their toil.

So please, don't accuse me of being anti-pregnancy.

I do, though, think pregnant people should not be allowed to go in stores approaching Christmas time, or should avoid being pregnant at this juncture.

I was shopping yesterday and stores have a nasty habit of putting extra items in the walkways so that the space becomes very narrow.

I felt like a piece of plaque travelling through a narrowing artery, angry and on my way to damage the heart or the central nervous system.

I was squeezing my way down one walkway when I spotted a pregnant lady that I certainly hope had her doctor on speed dial, because she made Rob Ford look like Twiggy.

I apologize to pregnant ladies for the comparison, but I feel the description needed an extreme example. And keep in mind that, unlike some Torontonians, I would never repeat this comparison at a media scrum that is viewed by the entire planet. It's only for you lucky readers.

So I had no choice. I had to turn around and add about a kilometre to my trip through the store.

I had to spy down each walkway for pregnancies or corpulence.

It's a funny concept to create a hallway for walking and then put obstacles all along it.

Suddenly, I bump into a rack of Shamwows. That creepy guy on the commercial is staring right at me.

Of course I'll buy one. I totally forgot I needed it until my foot got caught under the display.

In reality, all those extra kilometres just made me tired. And when I'm tired I hate shopping.

Wait a sec, when I have lots of energy I also hate shopping.

Maybe it's just that I hate shopping.

Never mind.

Helloooo Newman: Rock Star Wanted

Helloooo Newman: Rock Star Wanted: I can't decide which is worse, contracting leprosy or looking for a job. Both have symptoms that are very hard to treat. Leprosy gives...

Rock Star Wanted

I can't decide which is worse, contracting leprosy or looking for a job.

Both have symptoms that are very hard to treat. Leprosy gives you disfiguring skin sores and bumps. Job hunting has symptoms such as fatigue, loss of self esteem, rejection, anger, futility, boredom, frustration, bewilderment, confusion, alcoholism, loss of appetite, resume envy, misanthropy, an urge to party with Rob Ford, phone fatigue, Google search fatigue…

This is a partial list of symptoms.

Looking for a job is a lot like speed dating. As you go through various interviews, you're meeting people you've never met before with the possibility of spending an awful lot of time with them.

And there's the possibility of screwing. Screwing around or getting screwed over.

A lot of the questions asked of you are the same too. Just make sure you change the answers where appropriate.

What do you like to do on your day off?

"I enjoy long walks in the park" could be changed to "I enjoy long hours toiling my butt away with brain-cremating work while you are off making little replicas of you and your blonde spouse in the back of your Escalade, parked in your semi-circular Post Road driveway".

I wonder who writes job descriptions. From the ads I've read, I would guess Bob and Doug McKenzie. In their basement.

I often see the request for a ROCK STAR. Excuse me, a what? Do I need to play an instrument at work? Should I come dressed as the latest incarnation of Miley Cyrus?

Gee, I'm not sure my tongue is long enough. Sorry, I don't do talentless skank.

One curious attribute a company demanded was to be "approachable". What am I, a tiger shark?

Did you interview the previous employee over an intercom?

One of my faves is "must be able to handle constructive criticism and rejection well". Yes, I have dated before. And I'm currently married. Requirement met!

Then there's the old 'be all that you can be': "Must be able to work on a team as well as independently". Must also be smart enough to do the job and dumb enough to stay.

I think this is my favourite job description:
Administrative Assistant/ Graphic Designer
The ideal candidate will have a mid to senior level graphic design background with an interest in administration.

Role and Responsibilities – Answering and directing phone inquiries, and, while you're at it:
Develop and administer content for multi-language website in HTML, FLASH, PHP, etc; translate into Spanish, German, Chinese, Japanese, etc.

What? Would I like to take a break from using my expensive Graphic Design and Translating degrees to answer your phones and type your letters? Golly gee, can I?

This is the job I would like to have:
Manager, Green Coffee at Smuckers
That's it? One particular bag of coffee only? I'm there.

I got an email from a headhunter, asking "I wonder if I can get IN FRONT of you for a few minutes to discuss blah, blah, blah". In front of me? I prefer if you get behind me so you can kiss my ass.

Why can't I just be a guy who shows up on time and does his work properly?

Helloooo Newman: Congratulations Kids for Making it This Far

Helloooo Newman: Congratulations Kids for Making it This Far: Children are the future. That's what they say. Of course, nothing exists in the future. Things only exist now. But let's not fuss....

Congratulations Kids for Making it This Far

Children are the future. That's what they say.

Of course, nothing exists in the future. Things only exist now. But let's not fuss.

When children are first born, we value them over and above everything. They are delicate, fragile and need to be taken care of.

So now you can't smoke in the delivery room, as my mom did when I was born. Is that whooping cough or smoker's cough? They didn't know.

When children are about 1-2, we drown them in educational paraphernalia like flash cards, The Teletubbies and Baby Einstein.

Einstein had a hugenormous imagination, but I doubt he ever thought one-year-old children would be watching videos of him and his famous equation, E=MC2.

This equation is quite beautiful. Almost as beautiful as our precious children. If you don't know already, the equation states that the amount of energy in an object is equal to its mass multiplied by the speed of light squared.

I remember the first time my daughter learned this equation because it coincided with the first time she decided to convert all of the energy in her body into a diarrhea poop on the floor. And just when we got her out of diapers.

As for the Teletubbies, well, I think Charles Manson, Paul Bernardo and Jeffrey Dahmer were all raised ingesting these creepy creatures.

As they get older, our children learn to transport themselves via bike. But when they first get on a bike, reaching speeds of maybe .0025 kph, having training wheels and us holding them, we still make very sure to secure their heads with helmets and knees/elbows with pads.

Obviously, we value these children very much. We will go to any length to protect them. Aliens watching us would conclude that the sole function of parents is to swath their children in comfort and safety.

But then, it seems, we take a break from caring.

From the age of about 5 to 18, what do we do? We pile them by the thousands into school buses. And not a safety piece of equipment in sight.

Seat belts? Grab a kid's hair and hope they have strong follicles.

Do you remember those school bus seats? I believe maxi-pads are nicer to sit on.

The rest is hard, bone-crushing metal. Travelling upwards of 100 kph. Will E=MC2 help them just before they slam into that tree?

When that bus does hit the tree, your precious children might as well be pennies freed from your jean pockets in the dryer. Loud and painful.

Probably more like kleenex. You know how it gets spread apart, torn up and bundled into little hard balls of so much flesh.

It's like we're saying, "Okay, children, we've taken you this far, and now it's up to you. You've been pretty damn comfortable up to now. What, you thought it would last forever?".

When they turn 18, we say, "Whew. Congratulations, kids. You've proved yourselves worthy adults. And now you get your safety equipment back. That's right, comfy seats, rear cameras, steel-belted tires, front airbags, side airbags, top airbags and please hand over airbags of money for all this".

Good luck, kids.

Helloooo Newman: Inventions that need inventing

Helloooo Newman: Inventions that need inventing: Someone needs to invent the ibrella right now. When it rains I keep wiping tiny water drops off my iphone and accidentally swipe web pages...

Inventions that need inventing

Someone needs to invent the ibrella right now.

When it rains I keep wiping tiny water drops off my iphone screen and accidentally swipe web pages.

Yesterday, without my realizing, I bought 3 grand pianos, two skirts, a pair of high heels and a dvd called Jason and his ArgoNUTS.

I already have the damn dvd.

Helloooo Newman: Who Wins the Race?

Helloooo Newman: Who Wins the Race?: Some of you may have noticed that when I use the term "human race", I actually write human's race. I borrowed this clever li...

Who Wins the Race?

Some of you may have noticed that I substitute the term "human race" with "human's race" in my articles.

I borrowed this clever line from a song. The only good song this band ever produced. The song is "I Melt With You" by Modern English.

As a matter of interest, this song first appeared in the movie Valley Girl in 1983, featuring a very young Nicolas Cage.

I prefer "human's race" because, except in remote places near the New Guinea rainforest, this life really is our race. For everything. A great job, high status, the smoothest beer, the wine with the best finish, the largest house, the most secure ego, skirts, the plumpest chicken wings, the lowest fat diet, time etc. We're all chasing something.

No doubt about it. And the more you convince yourself you aren't chasing anything, well, you know the rest.

One thing I really don't understand about the human's race is the worry over one's reputation when you are dead. The legacy.

Newsflash: you are not there to perceive or receive the accolades you are hoping for.

It's a bit like being told you will have a threesome with Charlize Theron and Amy Adams (something I aspire to, with or without their cooperation) but don't worry because you won't feel a thing under the general anaesthetic we will give you.

You're not really there to enjoy it, right? I suppose, on a technicality, you could brag at parties that you did engage in a threesome with Theron/Adams. That's something for sure.

But too bad, so sad, you didn't "really" have a threesome with them.

That is why I worry only about my reputation now. And so when Lou the piano student (from 2 articles ago) called me a poop, well, that really stung.

So I, just like Rob Ford, will try desperately to repair my reputation NOW. Hopefully I am a little better at it.

As for the human's race, we all finish at the same point. Either first or last, depending on how you look at it.

Helloooo Newman: Cyber Baby

Helloooo Newman: Cyber Baby: I think my biggest fear for the human's race these days is that Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber will procreate together. I know my fears...

Cyber Baby

I think my biggest fear for the human's race these days is that Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber will procreate together.

I know my fears should be around warmth spreading across the globe, but have you ever thought of what the songs of Cyrus, Bieber, and then their "Cy-ber" baby blanketing the planet would do to the human intellect?

The prospect is chilling.

I read in a wonderful book called A Short History of Nearly Everything (by Bill Bryson) that, according to scientists, 50% of all the genes we carry around in us seem to have no purpose whatsoever. They exist just to reproduce themselves.

In the case of Cyrus, Bieber and Cyber baby, that means 150% of them have no function at all except to reproduce their music. The other 150% (they each get 100%, which is generous) is spread equally amongst them as such: 50% for looks, 50% for brain power, 50% for talent. That means about 16.75% of each of them is talent. My math must be wrong because that seems so high.

The awful truth we Canadians must come to terms with is that Miley Cyrus's current and highly original hit "Wrecking Ball" was written by a Canadian. I think this is kept secret to protect innocent Canadians and to hide the fact that the skank didn't write her own hit song, which really isn't her song.

I saw recently that Bieber was hit in the head with a water bottle in Brazil. He kept the private audience waiting for three hours. I would say he's lucky to be alive. Still, I'm into kindness these days so I have to admit that the water bottle thing is mean. Having said that, if I were at a Bieber brouhaha, which I would only attend if I were in a coffin or urn and taken there without my awareness, I think the urge to whack him with something would probably overcome me.

I am a huge fan of Youtube. I think it is the best resource around for spreading useful information about all kinds of endeavours, including music. And it's free.

I would be fully supportive of ending Youtube as a resource if it meant Cyber baby won't be able to spread his or her music.

Yes, the dark ages are looking more and more attractive.

Helloooo Newman: Do Children Gossip?

Helloooo Newman: Do Children Gossip?: They certainly do. And even about me, it's true. Yesterday I had the pleasure of hearing some gossip from a 6-year-old. One hundred ...

Do Children Gossip?

They certainly do.

And even about me, it's true.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of hearing some gossip from a 6-year-old. One hundred percent, Canada grade A gossip. And it was about little ol' me.

I was teaching Gus (not his real name), a 6-year-old, piano when he asked me if I taught his friend, Lou (not his real name).

It's true, I did teach Lou. If you've read this blog before you may have run into Lou. Lou is the charming student who wrote in his notebook, "I hat piano" and presented it to me. Lou meant "I hate piano" but didn't have the literary skills to get that across.

Anywho, a few weeks ago Lou's mom let me go (fired seems like such a harsh word to use) because, she said, Lou is not good at the piano (very true) and he is too busy learning how to spell. This is just one of many other career-oriented activities Lou is involved in.

I said to Gus, "Yes, I did teach Lou".

Gus responds, "Oh ya, and his mom fired you".

Yes Gus, and thanks for the encouraging words.

Gus continues…"Lou thought you were poop. And he told me you are always texting on your phone. But I don't mind if you text".

Thank you for your understanding, Gus. Obviously Gus had used the word poop many times before. He said it as casually as he would have told me a button was missing from my shirt.

Gus had another tidbit for me. "Lou is still taking piano with a new teacher. A girl".

Well gee, Gus, I guess the mom lied to me to get rid of me.

She could have just sent me a note saying, "I hat your teaching."