Avoid Pregnancy During Christmas

It is, as my daughter often says, a true fact that I've never been pregnant.

But I fully support pregnancy. The reason? Sure, because babies are all cute and stuff.

My central reason, given my age, is that I need more people to grow up and work so they can pay for my pension with their money, produced from their toil.

So please, don't accuse me of being anti-pregnancy.

I do, though, think pregnant people should not be allowed to go in stores approaching Christmas time, or should avoid being pregnant at this juncture.

I was shopping yesterday and stores have a nasty habit of putting extra items in the walkways so that the space becomes very narrow.

I felt like a piece of plaque travelling through a narrowing artery, angry and on my way to damage the heart or the central nervous system.

I was squeezing my way down one walkway when I spotted a pregnant lady that I certainly hope had her doctor on speed dial, because she made Rob Ford look like Twiggy.

I apologize to pregnant ladies for the comparison, but I feel the description needed an extreme example. And keep in mind that, unlike some Torontonians, I would never repeat this comparison at a media scrum that is viewed by the entire planet. It's only for you lucky readers.

So I had no choice. I had to turn around and add about a kilometre to my trip through the store.

I had to spy down each walkway for pregnancies or corpulence.

It's a funny concept to create a hallway for walking and then put obstacles all along it.

Suddenly, I bump into a rack of Shamwows. That creepy guy on the commercial is staring right at me.

Of course I'll buy one. I totally forgot I needed it until my foot got caught under the display.

In reality, all those extra kilometres just made me tired. And when I'm tired I hate shopping.

Wait a sec, when I have lots of energy I also hate shopping.

Maybe it's just that I hate shopping.

Never mind.