Helloooo Newman: Not just your routine poutine

Helloooo Newman: Not just your routine poutine: In case you have trouble swallowing the "Quebec is a distinct society" line… They seek a special protective geographical status fo...

Not just your routine poutine

In case you have trouble swallowing the "Quebec is a distinct society" line…

They seek a special protective geographical status for the curds they produce, making poutine such a popular and healthy choice the world over.

Think Champagne, France, the drink we all use to wash down our poutinish delicacy.

Think diarrhea, but the best kind, made from Quebec Grade A turds curds.

It's 3 am. Belly full of tequila and gas. Vomit smell wafting from the Harvey's washroom. Limp fries and gravy mixed with the finest curds.

The only thing missing is the eponymous city where these gems are made.

Curd? Curdistan? Home of the Curds?

Possible spokesperson: Vladimir Poutine?

Enjoy!

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks dream order

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks dream order: I don't even like the skinny tall blonde coffee I order at Starbucks. Tastes like liquid subway platform. I just keep hoping one day the...

Starbucks dream order

I don't even like the skinny tall blonde coffee I order at Starbucks. Tastes like liquid subway platform.

I just keep hoping one day they'll screw up my order and give me an actual skinny tall blonde.

No luck so far.

Helloooo Newman: Chin up

Helloooo Newman: Chin up: It's easy to get depressed with the world situation right now, isn't it? So much violence and uncertainty. What keeps me going? Doug...

Chin up

It's easy to get depressed with the world situation right now, isn't it? So much violence and uncertainty.

What keeps me going?

Doug Ford just announced that Ontarians can buy alcohol directly from Nova Scotia. All while sitting on your sofa. 

And on top of that, Toronto is getting a new and exiting convention centre.

It's not remaking the Middle East, but the convention centre will be about the size of the Middle East.

It's bold. It's beautiful. It's Doug the Slug.

Helloooo Newman: Ayatollah-you-so

Helloooo Newman: Ayatollah-you-so: God has just finished a presser, clarifying that just because he decided not to protect the Ayatollah does not mean he supports Trump. Karol...

Ayatollah-you-so

God has just finished a presser, clarifying that just because he decided not to protect the Ayatollah does not mean he supports Trump.

Karoline Leavitt pleaded with God to let her be His spokesperson but God was not happy with the cosmetic surgery and said, "spell Caroline with a "C" like normal people.

Helloooo Newman: State of the Trump

Helloooo Newman: State of the Trump: Advance copy of Trump's State of the Union Speech

State of the Trump

Advance copy of Trump's State of the Union Speech

Helloooo Newman: Comedy is his life

Helloooo Newman: Comedy is his life:   This is Pierre Poilievre in his early days a a standup comedian. He was killing it with his "axe the tax" routine. Some say he...

Comedy is his life

 

This is Pierre Poilievre in his early days a a standup comedian. He was killing it with his "axe the tax" routine.

Some say he's never really left comedy.

Helloooo Newman: The Olympricks

Helloooo Newman: The Olympricks:   Justin Trudeau tears his ACL smiling too much, missing out on a medal. Meanwhile Katy Perry takes the gold in the (my life is going) downh...

The Olympricks

 

Justin Trudeau tears his ACL smiling too much, missing out on a medal.

Meanwhile Katy Perry takes the gold in the (my life is going) downhill skiing.

Helloooo Newman: Domestic Terrorist Toddler stopped

Helloooo Newman: Domestic Terrorist Toddler stopped: ICE has nabbed a domestic terrorist 5-year-old who planned on flying his Fisher-Price airplane into Mar-a-Lago. He is currently being water-...

Domestic Terrorist Toddler stopped

ICE has nabbed a domestic terrorist 5-year-old who planned on flying his Fisher-Price airplane into Mar-a-Lago.

He is currently being water-boarded, but with apple juice instead of water. Juice-boarding is now standard practice.

Helloooo Newman: Board of Peace

Helloooo Newman: Board of Peace: I ain't joining the Board of Peace But I will join the Bored of Piece of Shit

Board of Peace

I ain't joining the Board of Peace

But I will join the Bored of Piece of Shit

Helloooo Newman: ICE on your eggs

Helloooo Newman: ICE on your eggs: ICE seizes at gunpoint the unfertilized eggs of an American woman and deports them to… They had no ID.

ICE on your eggs

ICE seizes at gunpoint the unfertilized eggs of an American woman and deports them to…

They had no ID.

Helloooo Newman: A real softie

Helloooo Newman: A real softie:   In Davos, Justin Trudeau argues the world needs more soft girlfriends. Or maybe it was soft power. Can't remember, but the world took ...

A real softie

 

In Davos, Justin Trudeau argues the world needs more soft girlfriends. Or maybe it was soft power. Can't remember, but the world took note.

Helloooo Newman: MAGAzines

Helloooo Newman: MAGAzines: Damn! Now I get it. MAGA Short for magazines Dopey dope me

MAGAzines

Damn! Now I get it.

MAGA

Short for magazines

Dopey dope me

Helloooo Newman: The great czars of history

Helloooo Newman: The great czars of history: People who know me know I'm a huge history buff. This week I've been reading a ton about the great czars of history and I compiled a...

The great czars of history

People who know me know I'm a huge history buff.

This week I've been reading a ton about the great czars of history and I compiled a list of the most powerful.

1. Ivan the Terrible
Known as a terrible guy but historians think he had a softer side when he wasn't busy executing people.

2. Catherine the Great
A woman. So Catherine the pretty good. No doubt she was good at being an autocrat but she was a woman, so…Catherine the so so.

3. Nicholas II
He was the last Russian czar and was overthrown so didn't do such a hot job.

4. Toronto's Traffic Czar
This is the greatest and most powerful czar in history. With an iron fist he will crush Toronto traffic. His first proclamation? There's too much traffic and construction in Toronto. Unfortunately, as you can see here, he's stuck in traffic. He's the blue car.

Helloooo Newman: New-to-me foods

Helloooo Newman: New-to-me foods: One of my resolutions is to try new-to-me foods. Everyone says they try "new" foods but if I say, "I tried a new food today -...

New-to-me foods

One of my resolutions is to try new-to-me foods. Everyone says they try "new" foods but if I say, "I tried a new food today - cumquats." Well, that's not a new food, is it? It's not new to the earth.

You think just because you try a new-to-you food it suddenly bursts into existence and everyone should try it too?

New-to-you is the proper term.

Anyway.

I tried to make egg drop soup. I just couldn't figure out what happens after you drop the eggs on the floor. Scooping them up was messy and difficult. And not particularly appetizing. 

Tomorrow, toad in the hole.

Helloooo Newman: Katy's conundrum

Helloooo Newman: Katy's conundrum: Since dating Justin Trudeau, Katy Perry is complaining her taxes have gone up 1000%, she has to wait 2 days in the emergency room and she...

Katy's conundrum

Since dating Justin Trudeau, Katy Perry is complaining her taxes have gone up 1000%, she has to wait 2 days in the emergency room and she's exhausted from so many land acknowledgements.

Helloooo Newman: Ice on fire

Helloooo Newman: Ice on fire: Well, it looks like ICE is winning the war against murderous moms in SUVs.  It's still a toss up who will win. Thousands of ICE agents w...

Ice on fire

Well, it looks like ICE is winning the war against murderous moms in SUVs. 

It's still a toss up who will win. Thousands of ICE agents with automatic weapons or one mom with her car.

If I were a bettin' man…

Helloooo Newman: DNA test

Helloooo Newman: DNA test: Got my DNA tested last week. It passed as human. It said I'm white, male, guilty of all historical crimes and should avoid wearing cargo...

DNA test

Got my DNA tested last week. It passed as human.

It said I'm white, male, guilty of all historical crimes and should avoid wearing cargo pants with dress shoes.

Helloooo Newman: Power grab

Helloooo Newman: Power grab: The horror. The horror. If I were POTUS, I wouldn't invade a country and steal their oil. How last century is that? I'd steal their ...

Power grab

The horror. The horror.

If I were POTUS, I wouldn't invade a country and steal their oil. How last century is that?

I'd steal their solar power. No one ever does that.

You know who's the largest producer of solar energy?

China.

Let's invade and take their solar panels. I would ship them to the U.S. via Amazon. Of course I'd ask for next day delivery. But don't leave them on the White House porch. Porch pirates everywhere. We'll store them in the ballroom.

Let's also steal all their batteries. There must be billions of batteries in China.

Let's steal their coal too. You know who's the biggest producer of coal power?

China.

While we're there, let's steal all their MSG. I love that shit. Dip my wings in it.

You know who's the biggest producer of MSG?

China.

Hmmm. Looks like there's lots of solid reasons to invade China.

Lastly, there's bundt cake. I love a good bundt cake. Everyone overlooks bundt cake as a good reason for invasion.

You know who's the biggest producer of bundt cake.

America.

Oh, shit. Okay, can we invade ourselves?