Helloooo Newman: Domestic Terrorist Toddler stopped

Helloooo Newman: Domestic Terrorist Toddler stopped: ICE has nabbed a domestic terrorist 5-year-old who planned on flying his Fisher-Price airplane into Mar-a-Lago. He is currently being water-...

Domestic Terrorist Toddler stopped

ICE has nabbed a domestic terrorist 5-year-old who planned on flying his Fisher-Price airplane into Mar-a-Lago.

He is currently being water-boarded, but with apple juice instead of water. Juice-boarding is now standard practice.

Helloooo Newman: Board of Peace

Helloooo Newman: Board of Peace: I ain't joining the Board of Peace But I will join the Bored of Piece of Shit

Board of Peace

I ain't joining the Board of Peace

But I will join the Bored of Piece of Shit

Helloooo Newman: ICE on your eggs

Helloooo Newman: ICE on your eggs: ICE seizes at gunpoint the unfertilized eggs of an American woman and deports them to… They had no ID.

ICE on your eggs

ICE seizes at gunpoint the unfertilized eggs of an American woman and deports them to…

They had no ID.

Helloooo Newman: A real softie

Helloooo Newman: A real softie:   In Davos, Justin Trudeau argues the world needs more soft girlfriends. Or maybe it was soft power. Can't remember, but the world took ...

A real softie

 

In Davos, Justin Trudeau argues the world needs more soft girlfriends. Or maybe it was soft power. Can't remember, but the world took note.

Helloooo Newman: MAGAzines

Helloooo Newman: MAGAzines: Damn! Now I get it. MAGA Short for magazines Dopey dope me

MAGAzines

Damn! Now I get it.

MAGA

Short for magazines

Dopey dope me

Helloooo Newman: The great czars of history

Helloooo Newman: The great czars of history: People who know me know I'm a huge history buff. This week I've been reading a ton about the great czars of history and I compiled a...

The great czars of history

People who know me know I'm a huge history buff.

This week I've been reading a ton about the great czars of history and I compiled a list of the most powerful.

1. Ivan the Terrible
Known as a terrible guy but historians think he had a softer side when he wasn't busy executing people.

2. Catherine the Great
A woman. So Catherine the pretty good. No doubt she was good at being an autocrat but she was a woman, so…Catherine the so so.

3. Nicholas II
He was the last Russian czar and was overthrown so didn't do such a hot job.

4. Toronto's Traffic Czar
This is the greatest and most powerful czar in history. With an iron fist he will crush Toronto traffic. His first proclamation? There's too much traffic and construction in Toronto. Unfortunately, as you can see here, he's stuck in traffic. He's the blue car.

Helloooo Newman: New-to-me foods

Helloooo Newman: New-to-me foods: One of my resolutions is to try new-to-me foods. Everyone says they try "new" foods but if I say, "I tried a new food today -...

New-to-me foods

One of my resolutions is to try new-to-me foods. Everyone says they try "new" foods but if I say, "I tried a new food today - cumquats." Well, that's not a new food, is it? It's not new to the earth.

You think just because you try a new-to-you food it suddenly bursts into existence and everyone should try it too?

New-to-you is the proper term.

Anyway.

I tried to make egg drop soup. I just couldn't figure out what happens after you drop the eggs on the floor. Scooping them up was messy and difficult. And not particularly appetizing. 

Tomorrow, toad in the hole.

Helloooo Newman: Katy's conundrum

Helloooo Newman: Katy's conundrum: Since dating Justin Trudeau, Katy Perry is complaining her taxes have gone up 1000%, she has to wait 2 days in the emergency room and she...

Katy's conundrum

Since dating Justin Trudeau, Katy Perry is complaining her taxes have gone up 1000%, she has to wait 2 days in the emergency room and she's exhausted from so many land acknowledgements.

Helloooo Newman: Ice on fire

Helloooo Newman: Ice on fire: Well, it looks like ICE is winning the war against murderous moms in SUVs.  It's still a toss up who will win. Thousands of ICE agents w...

Ice on fire

Well, it looks like ICE is winning the war against murderous moms in SUVs. 

It's still a toss up who will win. Thousands of ICE agents with automatic weapons or one mom with her car.

If I were a bettin' man…

Helloooo Newman: DNA test

Helloooo Newman: DNA test: Got my DNA tested last week. It passed as human. It said I'm white, male, guilty of all historical crimes and should avoid wearing cargo...

DNA test

Got my DNA tested last week. It passed as human.

It said I'm white, male, guilty of all historical crimes and should avoid wearing cargo pants with dress shoes.

Helloooo Newman: Power grab

Helloooo Newman: Power grab: The horror. The horror. If I were POTUS, I wouldn't invade a country and steal their oil. How last century is that? I'd steal their ...

Power grab

The horror. The horror.

If I were POTUS, I wouldn't invade a country and steal their oil. How last century is that?

I'd steal their solar power. No one ever does that.

You know who's the largest producer of solar energy?

China.

Let's invade and take their solar panels. I would ship them to the U.S. via Amazon. Of course I'd ask for next day delivery. But don't leave them on the White House porch. Porch pirates everywhere. We'll store them in the ballroom.

Let's also steal all their batteries. There must be billions of batteries in China.

Let's steal their coal too. You know who's the biggest producer of coal power?

China.

While we're there, let's steal all their MSG. I love that shit. Dip my wings in it.

You know who's the biggest producer of MSG?

China.

Hmmm. Looks like there's lots of solid reasons to invade China.

Lastly, there's bundt cake. I love a good bundt cake. Everyone overlooks bundt cake as a good reason for invasion.

You know who's the biggest producer of bundt cake.

America.

Oh, shit. Okay, can we invade ourselves?